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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want MIL to refer to my son as her baby?

204 replies

jumblequeen · 01/09/2010 17:21

I should say from the off that I have a very good relationship with my MIL. Apart from this one issue, I think she's absolutely wonderful but that almost makes it harder to broach the subject. She keeps on saying "my baby" when referring to my son and it's really getting on my nerves. He's not hers, he's mine! I may have a touch of precious-first-born syndrome here but still... AIBU or should I say something? If so, how?!

OP posts:
pommedeterre · 13/10/2010 12:50

The DIL/MIL relationship is a very unnatural one that DIL is usually left to deal with on her own by the DH whereas his interactions with DILs parents will be more 'managed' and much less problematic for him.
In times gone by this unnatural relationship was governed by the rules of listening to your elders, matriarchs of families etc. This has now gone. DILs are free now. Couple this to the huge changes in both women's lives pre children and the progression in thought on infant feeding you have an issue. What the MIL deems her expert help is normally no longer relevant.
These changes can be dealt with much easier with the DILs own mother as free conversation/bickering can be had. This won't happen with the MIL as the DH's relationship with his mother won't be the same.
If both MIL and DIL are very careful and aware then everything can be fine. The minute the MIL ISNT capable of this and assumes a more motherly role in her DS's house then there are issues. So, to make it personally of course I get annoyed by my MIL bringing lots of food with her and taking over her kitchen with it (but not cooking), hanging dried clothes in my wardrobe without asking (but not ironing them) and beginning totally insane with my dd calling herself mummy. It would be unnatural if I didn't want to shove her on the doorstep and bolt the door. Especially given th cat bums face if anything we do for dd is against her 'expert' way of childcare.

pommedeterre · 13/10/2010 13:00

Argh. Beginning= being.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 13/10/2010 13:03

All about you then Grim? Hmm Your post shows no thought for your MIL, your childrens grandmother, or indeed for your children. Nope, all about how you feel, how you should be able to dictate what other people say, how your feelings are all important.

Pretty ridiculous yourself there. Oh and if you are going to quote people and then rubbish them, you should probably read the whole thread properly, then you might have understood the posts fully.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 13/10/2010 13:09

Erm, again, you know nothing about my situation, Winter.

I have a mil who said she wanted to take my gcs away with her and countless other thoughtless stuff about my inaequacy as a parent, and I still endeavour for her to have a good relationship with both me and my children. Simply to keep the peace and family relations.

So, can I suggest you get your facts straight before you say I put my feelings first?

Many thanks.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 13/10/2010 13:18

I said what your post says. None of us know anything about anyone else, one can only be judged on what they write. So, as I said, I commented on what was contained in your post, same as we all do.

So can I suggest you remember that this is an anonymous internet forum and amend your expectations accordingly?

Many thanks.

Gooftroop · 13/10/2010 13:27

yabu
leave it
Consider yourself lucky.

FindingMyMojo · 13/10/2010 13:29

YABU - he is your baby but you don't own him. I think it's lovely & your MIL is clearly besotted.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 13/10/2010 13:32

My post said that the situation is often far more complicated than just an expression of "my baby". How very very very self centred of me. Hmm

It seems to be either 100% one way or the other on MN.

You're talking rubbish, Winter - extrapolating all sorts from nothing.

lennon80 · 13/10/2010 15:16

I just think it must be nice not to have any issues with your mother in law. I just hope when yours hit the menopause (if they havent already)they all stay so reasonable. I am incredibly diplomatic however I think people fail to understand that those of us who are 'moaning' or 'MIL bashing' have had years of behaviour which does not consider our feelings. My mother does not cross a line so why my mother in law feels she can is well and truly beyond me. I would have liked for my MIL to have gained a daughter in me but sadly she is far too domineering and demanding which is not something I would tolerate from my own mother so I certainly wont be tolerating it from her!

Everything has a context and glib comments from people with 'perfect' families are neither helpful nor insightful in any way.

usualsuspect · 13/10/2010 16:06

'when yours hit the menopause' jesus how bloody patronising is that statement

usualsuspect · 13/10/2010 16:10

Because you are never going to hit the menopause are you

That has annoyed me so much ...I must be menopausal Grin

lennon80 · 13/10/2010 16:13

Well trite and glib comments will evoke patronising I am afraid!

usualsuspect · 13/10/2010 16:16

I'm so glad I haven't got a DIL like you lennon

usualsuspect · 13/10/2010 16:35

ah just saw that you are pregnant lennon ..its expected that you will be unreasonable then, a bit like menopausal old bags really Wink

lennon80 · 13/10/2010 16:39

Quite possibly .... but you see unlike my MIL I have the insight and empathy to be refrained and not take my hormones out on my MIL as I know she is hormonal too.

usualsuspect · 13/10/2010 16:50

She is your dps mother and as such is no less a grandmother than your own mother...you sound like you are treating her like second best grandma ,before your baby is even born

pommedeterre · 13/10/2010 16:54

Usualsuspect - For me a big part of why I find it hard to ignore MIL's insanity with her grandchild and her 'take over' nature in my house is because of what happened in the first few weeks of dd's birth. The ILs were all about THEM not us. They were no support at all, just got grumpy we wouldn't go and see them and wouldn't come to us and they had to stay in hotel (we would have paid).
My mum on the other hand came down whenever I rang up and said I needed her too and was very much about me and dh and helping US not just trying to relive her time as a mother.
It is not about MIL being any less a grandparent but it is about her being less helpful and supportive to have around...

usualsuspect · 13/10/2010 16:59

Thats fair enough pommed...Im just saying that some attitudes on MN towards MILs piss me off ..some DILs seem to look for reasons to moan about their MILs

lennon80 · 13/10/2010 16:59

no I dont view it like that but I am not her daughter and so there are some things that my mother could say or do which I would not mind as she is my mother, but my husbands mother is NOT my mother and therefore the boundaries of her bossy ways have to be curtailed which they are not. Honestly if you knew my MIL you wouldnt give me such a hard time. She rings us eight times a night until we answer the phone for gods sake! She will be the cause of me having a nervous breakdown I swear! Either that or leaving the country.

usualsuspect · 13/10/2010 17:03

Which is exactly what I mean ...you would tolerate things off your mum,but not the same things off your MIL..which to a point I can sort of understand ,but she is still a grandma the same as your mum

MissYamabuki · 13/10/2010 17:04

YANBU. It's not the end of the world but it is a bit creepy and would make me uncomfortable. I'm not sure how you'd tackle it though especially if you have a good relationship with her.

lennon80 · 13/10/2010 17:11

Because my mother is my mother she brought me up and she is my family. My MIL came into my life when I was an adult woman and so should respect me as such. I know she is a grandma the same as my mum and she has just as much family tie to him however not with me she doesnt. I married my husband not his mother.

usualsuspect · 13/10/2010 17:15

She is your family whether you like it or not I'm afraid ..or don't your dps relatives count

ShirtyGerty · 13/10/2010 17:17

For me this is a boundary thing, and it applies to all grandparents equally, be they ILs or your own parents. Grandparents are really valuable - I loved mine dearly - but they are not the baby's parents and need to respect that. It would make me feel quite odd to hear my DM or MIL refer to my DS as their baby. But at the same time, I want them to love him as much as I do.

I'm 20 weeks preg and going through a phase of working out these boundaries with my MIL.

I have so far politely but firmly explained that we will not be leaving the baby with her until he's older, her visits will be worked out individually and that we will not adhere to a regular schedule that she dictates, that I will not take her advice on feeding as it is out of date...etc etc

I still want her to be part of my DS's life and to love him as much as I do. I just want her to respect my position as his Mum.

ShirtyGerty · 13/10/2010 17:18

I don't have to do this with my own Mum as I've known her all my life and we have boundaries in place already.