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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want MIL to refer to my son as her baby?

204 replies

jumblequeen · 01/09/2010 17:21

I should say from the off that I have a very good relationship with my MIL. Apart from this one issue, I think she's absolutely wonderful but that almost makes it harder to broach the subject. She keeps on saying "my baby" when referring to my son and it's really getting on my nerves. He's not hers, he's mine! I may have a touch of precious-first-born syndrome here but still... AIBU or should I say something? If so, how?!

OP posts:
bruffin · 12/10/2010 21:43

"All they have to do is use a bit of common sense and not try to take over other people's children."

They are their children as well, I can't believe how possessive and self centred half the parents are on these boards, it's really sad. My mum refers to DCs as "her little bruffinds or dd" because they are her grandchildren and part of her as well.

As for the grandparents saying come to "mummy" it's most likely a slip of the tongue. I have said it to children not my own by mistake, it's very easily done.

roundthehouses · 12/10/2010 21:46

but I don´t think they ARE trying to take over other people´s children. they just love them. Christ if they love their own child it is the most normal thing in the world that they will love their child´s child. It´s not (just) YOUR baby in their eyes, it is (most relevantly to them) their child´s baby.

roundthehouses · 12/10/2010 21:48

I would hasten to add I don´t feel possessive about ds anymore, it was definitely a crazy new mum thing that subsided as my security as him mum grew. Now I can very happily see that he is lucky to be so loved and wanted by so many people.

ColdComfortFarm · 12/10/2010 21:50

I have spoken to grandparents about their grandchildren, and boy do they LOVE them. They tell me they love them in a different way to the way we love our kids, it's a rawer, more tender emotion. In a way we have to distance ourselves a bit so as to discipline them and set boundaries etc, they don't. One granny told me her heart feels 'in ribbons' the whole time she is with her grandchildren. I think we underestimate their passion. My mother also told me that her love feels different because she is constantly aware that her time left on earth is limited (she is 70) and it hurts that she may not see them grown to adulthood and will miss out on years of their lives that I will have. I have tears in my eyes typing that

PerAaaarrrghhduaAdNauseum · 12/10/2010 21:53

Erm, wasn't that precious of DS, just think MIL is a loon.

She never tried to call herself Mummy though, and anyone who's tried to rechristen themselves for DS has had a very Hmm look from him (yes barking great-grandmother I'm looking at you).

lennon80 · 12/10/2010 22:20

pommedeterre totally agree, my MIL has two sons and so doesnt really have the frame of reference you talk about. My mother does not interfere in my brothers life or marriage whatsoever and is always very careful not to upset the DIL. I think when you have daughters you know you are not stepping on anyones toes as your daughter doesnt mind and you are naturally (as a general rule) going to be closer to your daughters children as you will see them more and she is the mother of the children.(I read an article about this once saying sons GC are never as close as there is always the question of paternity where this never exists with your daughter). I know there are exceptions to this but most people i know are closer to their daughters children than their sons. For example my mother will be at the birth etc my MIL wont be etc. Its just a sad fact about having sons but isnt a reason to then step all over your daughter in laws toes!

piscesmoon · 12/10/2010 22:35

It is a figure of speech-I think that people must be very insecure if it bothers them.

ValiumtheConqueror · 12/10/2010 22:55

I get this from my mother, who always calls to ask how 'her babies'(DD1 and DD2) are...not something my MIL would do as she is scary less familiar. It annoys me, but I adopt the 'Madagascar Penguin' approach of smile-and-wave and remind myself that she could not care about my kids like my dad I'd like to think your MIL does it because she does have such a good bond with you

bearcrumble · 12/10/2010 23:21

My mum does this and I hate it.

Was he her baby when I was bleeding buckets at 13 weeks and she just kept saying she had to go on holiday the next day? She initially said she couldn't even come to the hospital with me (DH was abroad on work) and when I insisted she just kept going on about her fucking holiday.

lennon80 · 12/10/2010 23:31

I think when you have had a dreadful pregnancy you resent it even more. I have had a terrible time with nausea and vomiting CONSTANT from week 4-17 and SPD from week 14 in addition to this UTI's and premature labour scares..I could go on..So its definitely my baby thank you very much.

DuelingFanjo · 13/10/2010 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 13/10/2010 06:50

I find that lots of grandmothers do it e.g. they get out pictures of 'my babies'-every one knows they don't mean it literally.
I don't know why mothers have to be so set on the my, as if the baby is a possession. Does any of it matter? The baby soon gets to know the relationship and they are not going to get muddled. I think there must be problems with the relationship to begin with, if a simple figure of speech is upsetting.

Avantia · 13/10/2010 06:54

I call my puppy 'my baby' Blush

bruffin · 13/10/2010 07:13

I had a dreadful pregnancy, 2 months in hospital for pre eclampsia 3 days of inducing and a 24 hour labour ending in theatre and it never bothered me if MIL or Mum referred to "my baby"

Stillcounting · 13/10/2010 08:49

Sorry for the digression, but it really gets my goat when people come on threads such as these, with no knowledge of the individuals involved, and blithely throw out accusations of indiscriminate "mother-in-law hating".

Before you do so again, please can I ask you to consider that there are some of us out here in cyber-space who firmly believe in families, who have bent over backwards for a decade and a half to try to establish warm and mutally respectful relationships with our in-laws, only to be met with erratic, manipulative and utterly disrespectful behaviour in return.

If there is such a proliferation of "awful and unreasonable" daugher-in-laws about, surely it is possible that awful mother-in-laws exist too?

I envy those of you who have a lovely relationship with your mil, it's something I would have loved, but it sometimes is simply NOT possible however hard you try.

Stillcounting · 13/10/2010 08:50

Harrumph.

DuelingFanjo · 13/10/2010 10:05

I agree Stillcounting.

there are also those of us who do like our MILs but would like to be able to do things our way without the fear of MIL (or our own mothers) undermining things.

BlingLoving · 13/10/2010 10:28

I am 7 weeks pregnant. DH's entire family are already referring to their new baby (en masse) or "my new baby" when talking to an individual. All of them. From parents, to aunts and uncles.

I am letting it go on basis that they're super excited which is lovely.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 13/10/2010 10:38

Well yes, Still counting, of course. But there are also plenty of women on this thread and many others that seem to get on fine with their MIL, and still love a good bitch about nothing. Even the OP says she has a good relationship with hers. And yet nearly every poster goads and jeers about nasty old bitch MILS.

Of course there are women who have tried everything and still have bonkers MILS. But I'm willing to bet there are a good few MN'ers that have perfectly nice and reasonable mils and that its the dil's that are the problem.

nomedoit · 13/10/2010 11:44

"I just found out from my SIl that our MIL told her on the phone last night that she's not good around babies because when they cry she feel like stealing them and trying to breastfeed them herself."

Sorry, DF, but that's exactly how I feel when I see a baby! The baby doesn't even have to be crying... Grin

4madboys · 13/10/2010 11:53

i get that its annoying, i get it but not from mil, from the boys great aunty, she refers to my four boys as 'her boys' or 'my boys' and she includes my dp in this (her nephew) she doesnt have any children of her own so i understand the boys are very precious to her, but when she phones and says 'how are MY boys' i inwardly seethe, esp as she never actually asks how i am or even wants to talk to me, its all about 'her boys'

on another note, i dont think of the boys as 'mine' obviously they are my sons, but i dont feel that they belong to me, they are their own little people, individuals in their own right, not anybodys property!

rockinhippy · 13/10/2010 12:05

Sorry, but YABU,

if you had a bad relationship with her, then I could see why it might wind you up further, but its really not worth upsetting your otherwise "wonderful MIL" over something so trivial Smile.....its a lot better than "diddledot, or tattyhead" or other such stupid ones my MIL has for DD Hmm.......though these days DD tells her off for them Grin

also, get used to it, its par for the course, inlaws, & maybe even your own family are going to be finding daft names, & parallels with themselves & other family members as regards your DCs characteristics & appearance......for example DHs side are all blue eyed, yet DD gets her brown eyes from DHs great Aunt, not my side who bar my Mum, ALL have brown eyes Confused..even my Mum puts DDs maths skills down to my Brother Hmm.... trust me in the greater scheme of things, its just not worth winding yourself up over

Chulita · 13/10/2010 12:25

Lol rockinhippy, DD has brown eyes and she gets them from a great uncle and not from me..obviously Hmm

I think 'my baby' is fine but mil does the 'come to mummy' thing everytime she calls DD so I think it's more than a slip of the tongue. I could understand it a couple of times a visit but not as much as she does.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 13/10/2010 12:40

"It is a figure of speech-I think that people must be very insecure if it bothers them"

Tosh and tosh again. What a simplistic dismissal of a complicated situation. Typical generalisation. "It's a mil problem so it must be the dil's fault."

I think it's far far more than a figure of speech for a lot of people. Not to understand that is simply not to understand the problem lots of people have in their lives.

Using the term "my baby" in this way when it is not your baby is often part and parcel of other intrusive and over bearing behaviour.

I find it so hard to believe that some posters can't believe this kind of problem exists.

My mil once told me that if she could take her gcs away with her, she would. She honestly wasn't joking but she did say it to me when we were alone because I think she knew how bonkers she sounded. For no other reason than she wanted to be a mother again.

And even if it is just a figure of speech, what's wrong with respecting someone else's feelings i.e. the mother's, if she simply doesn't like it? If it's just a figure of speech, then it won't be too hard not to use it, won't it?

ItsGrimUpNorth · 13/10/2010 12:43

"But I'm willing to bet there are a good few MN'ers that have perfectly nice and reasonable mils and that its the dil's that are the problem.."

And?

I'm willing to be there are a good few MN'ers that have perfectly nice and reasonable dhs and this it's the dws that are the problem.

And so what?

I'm sure it's vice versa all the time in all different ways but for people to come onto a thread and just say, "Oh it's mil bashing pure and simple," when the op has a mil who calls herself 'mummy' to the gc is loony toons in itself.

Ridiculous.