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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want MIL to refer to my son as her baby?

204 replies

jumblequeen · 01/09/2010 17:21

I should say from the off that I have a very good relationship with my MIL. Apart from this one issue, I think she's absolutely wonderful but that almost makes it harder to broach the subject. She keeps on saying "my baby" when referring to my son and it's really getting on my nerves. He's not hers, he's mine! I may have a touch of precious-first-born syndrome here but still... AIBU or should I say something? If so, how?!

OP posts:
lennon80 · 13/10/2010 17:21

Yup ShirtyGerty exactly ..its about respect not a cse of 'I know better because I have had children' ..because to be fair there were a lot of ideas about then which would be frowned upon now anyway.

usualsuspect · 13/10/2010 17:28

One wonders how so many men survived to adulthood with all their abusive crap mothers really Wink

lennon80 · 13/10/2010 17:38

No there mothers were very good to them..its when they got wives the problems started..Its about being able to let go and sadly you do have to more with a son than a daughter..which is why I am hoping my next baby is a girl .. I dont want to become a rod for my DIL's back as far as my son is concerned. lol.

usualsuspect · 13/10/2010 17:42

No you don't ..its very sad you think like that and even sadder for your sons future children Sad will you love your daughters children more?

pommedeterre · 13/10/2010 17:43

I think it is about them getting confused with the role they have in their adult sons lives perhaps? Not sure.
Anyway I think that MILs doing the 'my baby/mummy' thing are rubbish at supporting DILs because they like to pretend they don't exist which is why it IS worth moaning about. A MIL being unsupportive because she is busy with her own (imo) warped agenda is to be moaned about.

lennon80 · 13/10/2010 17:58

No I wont love a daughters children more but I will accept that I can have more imput and say there as my daughter is not going to get upset over it and feel undermined whereas my wife's son would not be as happy to accept my interference as she is not my daughter.

usualsuspect · 13/10/2010 18:03

Then you will be accused by your dil of not giving a shit Grin

can't win really Wink

lennon80 · 13/10/2010 18:13

Ah well I will deal with that one as and when..to be honest my husband is from a family of boys as was his father as was his father so I think I will probably end up with all sons anyway ..lol

piscesmoon · 13/10/2010 20:20

I would get very upset if my mother thought she could have a lot of input just because she is my mother and 'I have to put up with her interference'!
It seems really weird to me. My mother is grandmother to my brother's DCs and she is the same to both-she doesn't see mine as special!!
She has never called them my babies, but it wouldn't bother me- but then I have never gone on about my babies-they are their own people and not a possession! Why does anyone have to insist on my,my,my all the time?

lennon80 · 15/10/2010 11:31
Original poster
jumblequeen · 15/10/2010 12:59

Hello again all - I'm the OP. Thorny subject this one, eh?

I will say once again that for the record, I have a very good relationship with my MIL. It's not about being possessive or feeling that she doesn't have the right to love him as much as her heart desires... it's about the fact that she has come out with some things that I think most mothers (especially first-time ones as I am) would struggle to deal with. Calling herself mummy I feel undermines me, not to mention the fact that it's bloody weird and will be a trifle confusing for DS when he becomes more cognitive. Saying "what did mummy / daddy do to you?!" and taking him off every time he cries just doesn't feel very nice and makes me feel incompetent somehow.

Until DS was born she was a perfectly pleasant woman (if a bit traditional in her views) whom I got on with very well. I just don't know how - moving forward - I can hope to maintain that lovely relationship with this going on. But how to approach it?! They're visiting again in a couple of weeks.

OP posts:
lennon80 · 15/10/2010 13:05

OP what does your DH say about it? Have you mentioned it to him?

Original poster
jumblequeen · 15/10/2010 13:10

Yeah, plus he was there when MIL said these things. I think he writes it off as his mum being batty, but it's harder for me for obvious reasons. I'm sure if the roles were reversed and my dad was calling himself daddy it would be a different story! I thought about saying something myself (in a light-hearted way... despite what I've said, I don't want to upset her) if it comes up again but perhaps it would be better coming from DP.

OP posts:
gremlins · 15/10/2010 13:26

My mum openly says she loves my children more than she loved me when I was little, as there is not the same level of work involved and you get to enjoy the grandchildren more.
She often refers to my DC's as hers and when they cry will say 'what did mummy do'. She is a fantastic grandparent and my children adore her.

However, my MIL doesn't bother - She lives about an hour away and it can be difficult to arrange visits, so I send pictures but she doesn't gush over my children in the same way as my mum does and it often leaves me a little disappointed for their sake.

OP - you may be peeved now but grit your teeth, as it's not worth the damage. The initial newness of babies makes families doolally, but she will calm down in time. It's not a reflection of you as a bad mother, more a sign of love and affection for her grandchild.

lennon80 · 15/10/2010 13:29

Yeah Gremlins may have a point, see how she is after a few more months, it may be the excitement of it all. But I think if it carries on you need to get your other half to have a word as it is better for them to say it than you being perceived as the bad guy. She will take it from him easier than from you.

gremlins · 15/10/2010 13:36

I promise you it generally does fade away - my mum had DD all weekend and was actually quite pleased to announce 'here's MUMMY' when I collected her. DD is 18 months and is going through her mini tornado stage.

I do appreciate new mums feeling like this but these feelings will disappear before the first year is out (or when teething begins!).

pommedeterre · 15/10/2010 13:43

I'm in a really similar situation OP and I think I'm just going to ride it out and hope it gets better. As I'm going to start doing some work and using a nursery for dd soon (one day a week only) I'm preparing myself for the inevitable conversation on that - she doesn't agree and thinks babies need their mums all the time.
I'm thinking that if I am civil and strong in that conversation then it might start to get better?
It is always worse when they visit as she takes over the house too so try to do a bit more up there (both sets of parents live near each other) rather than down here.

Original poster
jumblequeen · 15/10/2010 13:58

pommedeterre - sorry to hear that! keep me posted on how it pans out.

gremlins, lennon - I think you're right. I will wait and see what happens on the next visit (thinking about it, I don't suppose the extended periods between seeing DS helps much!) and go from there. If it comes to it, I also think you're right to say that a word would be better coming from DP - certainly in a reversed situation, I think it would be better coming from me.

OP posts:
pommedeterre · 15/10/2010 13:59

DH mentioned once talking to his dad about it which I thought was a great idea but I think he has since decided to ride it out as well.
Might work for you?

lennon80 · 15/10/2010 14:02

Yeah and make sure he says it as something he has observed, not that you have just given him the bullets and he is firing them. My DH is pretty crap and just lets things go when really he should pipe up rather than for me to have to say it as she would take it from him as he is her son. God why does life have to be so difficult...lol.

pommedeterre · 15/10/2010 14:30

I don't know lennon but we are going to be spending all of next sat with them and I'm already a bit on edge! Luckily we always stay over at my parents (an hour nearer home, lots more space, mum bought a cot etc) so at least evening will bring relief.
The funniest thing is that when they stay at ours as soon as dd is bed of an evening everything is fine and quite fun. We get on well.
Really odd phenonoma that seems to be at least common.

lennon80 · 15/10/2010 14:38

I am just glad my first is a boy as she has two sons and I think if it was a girl I may have had a harder time..who knows. I feel for you Pomme as I know how difficult it is and how edgy it makes me. I was being told she was taking my son abroad with her without us and it was stated as a fact. You dont want to be rude but you feel like saying 'hang the fuck on here this is my child and I will decide where he goes and who with how dare you TELL me' but instead you bite your tongue and cry yourself to sleep :(

Original poster
jumblequeen · 15/10/2010 21:18

'hang the fuck on here...' Grin - that's exactly how I feel!

Hope Saturday goes well for you pomme. Perhaps take comfort from the fact that you're not alone in all of this... seems a lot of people have MILs that were previously sane human beings before becoming grandparents.

Lennon - that's a good point. I may have to spoonfeed explain that to DP...

OP posts:
Suda · 15/10/2010 21:56

I think theres a big difference between her calling your baby 'my baby' which I think is ok (overall) for all reasons well documented by other posters.

But now it seems you are saying that she deliberately calls herself 'mummy'( one posters m-i-l did this by mistake sometimes - then corrected herself - thats also ok-ish)

Thats very different IMO and whilst I would let the 'my baby' go - I would definitely not let the 'come to mummy' go. You need to correct her and sooner rather than later or it will get harder the longer she is being given permission basically to do it.

If you want to keep the peace how about humour - e.g. if she says in a baby voice - 'wheres my baby - come to mummy' then you just say as you hand him over in same baby voice - 'silly nanny - I'm your mummy - you'll not know who's who when you start talking ?' - or words to that effect. Then just hand him over - or if you can be more direct and feeling brave about it - say - in a lighthearted voice - 'dont confuse the poor child he wont know who's who'.

Or get your husband to say something similiar - she is his mother after all so he's more likely to be 'forgiven' if she takes offence.

piscesmoon · 15/10/2010 22:03

I don't think that you need to say anything-just ignore. The DC themselves will think it silly when they are old enough and they will stop.