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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want MIL to refer to my son as her baby?

204 replies

jumblequeen · 01/09/2010 17:21

I should say from the off that I have a very good relationship with my MIL. Apart from this one issue, I think she's absolutely wonderful but that almost makes it harder to broach the subject. She keeps on saying "my baby" when referring to my son and it's really getting on my nerves. He's not hers, he's mine! I may have a touch of precious-first-born syndrome here but still... AIBU or should I say something? If so, how?!

OP posts:
Chrysanthemum5 · 02/09/2010 15:25

I think YABU really, my MIL always talk about 'our boy' or 'our girl' when talking about my DCs, doesn't bother me in the slightest. I think my DCs deserve to have a realtionship with their GPs (my in-laws) which is strong and doesn't rely on me or DH. But, conversly I don't let my father have anything to do with me or the DCs because he was (probably still is) violent.

So, I think you have to take things individually. And your MIL does sound like she just loves her GC so much. It's a small thing to be calling him her baby, let her have it.

MajorPettigrew · 02/09/2010 15:28

My MIL does this - she refers to my DC as her children in conversation.

It is irritating, but not worth causing a row over. TBH I just think it makes her sound batty! Grin

On the other hand, someone I know did snap at her MIL when her DC was refered to as 'her baby'. Caused no end of bad feeling between the two of them, so really isn't worth the bother it will cause.

Grit your teeth and smile. You'll get very good at it as the years go on!!!

teenyanne · 02/09/2010 15:44

My whole family refer to my dd as "my babyname" - it's just a way of them expressing how much they adore her. I'm guessing if you have a good relationship with your MIL then she's saying "my baby" to show you how much your ds means to her.

(so I do think YAB a little bit U, although I can kind of see why you would be a wee bit put out).

EdgarAllInPink · 02/09/2010 20:08

funnily enough hecate i did exactly that (though i think it was plain from my tone of voice that i was livid), but my MIL completely ignored it...she'd also ignored us taking what she said as applying to 'her baby' in the form of DH...

some people do not respond to anything other than the sledgehammer approach.

i think when i said to DH that if she used that term in our house I would kick her out, that got through to her.

Keek · 02/09/2010 21:20

It would drive me MAD!!

Chatelaine · 02/09/2010 21:34

YABU. Clearly your son is your son. Didn't catch how old? Your MIL sounds as if she is thrilled with him and cannot contain her excitment. Be glad for her. You may be a MIL one day with a critical DIL Shock

Original poster
jumblequeen · 12/10/2010 15:49

bump

For those of you who may be interested with how the story panned out, on our visit to MIL's she not only referred to her son as "my baby" but referred to herself as mummy. In addition, every time he cried her response was: "what did mummy / daddy do to you?" before taking him off!

So AIBU to - now - want to say something? I realise I may have been a bit unreasonable with my initial post but this has stepped things up several gears! She lives 300 miles away so the situation isn't desperate, but I'm now dreading their next visit...

OP posts:
hobnobsaremyfavourite · 12/10/2010 15:52

I would be offended by the "What did mummy/daddy do" comment and a bit confused given that she is calling herself mummy as well. She sounds barking Grin

otchayaniye · 12/10/2010 16:03

I think it's really, really lovely.

TryLikingClarity · 12/10/2010 16:05

Jumblequeen - I'd be a bit irked by that too, but as they are 300 miles away I wouldn't be getting my knickers in a twist.

In a way (as an outsider to the situation) I think it's sweet and affectionate.

WitchyFlisspaps · 12/10/2010 16:11

Next time she tries to take the baby off you when he's crying, keep a good hold of him. Don't let her take him. DH has had to do this a couple of times.

And if she calls herself mummy again, then say something like "Silly GRANNY has got herself all confused, hasn't she DS?'

usualsuspect · 12/10/2010 16:14

My grandchildren are part of me, I know I'm not their mum and so do they

yabu its just a saying

lazylula · 12/10/2010 16:16

My mum always talks about my boys as 'our boys' (as in her and my dad's). I do not take offence as I know it is a term of their affection for them. My IL's don't, but then they do not seem to share as closer bond with them, although I know they love them dearly.

WitchyFlisspaps · 12/10/2010 16:21

And just be grateful she's not asked to be called Special Nana Lainey Loo like the MIL of another mn-er Wink

usualsuspect · 12/10/2010 16:25

aaah you mean ,the reveal more, horrid mil by stealth posts ..I ignored them Grin

pommedeterre · 12/10/2010 16:29

Jumblequeen - sounds like I am in a similar situation with a previously sane woman going totally batty at first grandchild. Annoying as it renders them a bit rubbish at supporting in the early days.
My MIL refers to herself as mummy rather than dd as her baby though, which is worse and a good indication of just quite how batty she's become..

pommedeterre · 12/10/2010 16:32

Sorry just read the thread properly. I can also tell you that my MIL is getting worse. Not sure what to do about it either. DH gets very upset by it.
Am hoping that as DD gets older she will stop it herself by going 'You're not Mummy, you're very old!' or something akin :)

AllGoodNamesGone · 12/10/2010 16:33

My In-laws used to drive me potty by physically elbowing me out of the way saying "would you like a break?!" so keen were they to push the pram. And if the baby was playing happily with the gym on the floor, the tiniest little squeak and it was "oohh do you want to come up?" while grabbing him and then not putting him down for hours. It was only because they loved him. They calmed down when the novelty wore off!

Since she's not around the corner and liable to be turning up to take over all the time, I would just grit my teeth.

If she's anything like my MIL she'll lose interest a bit when he turns into a toddler and be suggesting that "Now I think Mummy and Daddy would like to to take you for a nice walk to the park while Granny has a breather makes dinner!"

Grin
ilovemountains · 12/10/2010 16:52

For what it's worth, my MIL used to do call my DD "her baby", take her to play in a separate room from me, etc. and I just gritted my teeth - I'd always had a good relationship with MIL up to this point.

However things deteriorated, and the final straw was my DDs 2nd birthday. For her 1st birthday, MIL made DD an exact replica of my DHs 1st birthday cake. Fine, very sweet. She can have two birthday cakes. For DDs 2nd birthday, yep! MIL made an exact replica of DHs 2nd birthday cake - complete with the original 35-year-old plastic decorations.

At which point I announced to my DH that DD is our daughter, not a reincarnation of DH. And however much MIL loves her, she needs to find some other interests as well. And this year I am buying a "Hello Kitty" birthday cake for my DD as that is what she has asked for. And if MIL brings an unasked for cake again, it is going back in her car.

Sorry, none of this is strictly relevant but it made me feel better!

Anyway, I'd say something now before things get worse. They are 300 miles away, hopefully it will then all calm down before you see them again.

RedHeels · 12/10/2010 16:57

Hmmm.... I can see the majority on here is very understanding. It would annoy me to no end and I would've said something like Witchy suggested or even said it straight to her in a jokey way :"You do know he did not come out of you?" with a passive aggressive smile...

Thank God I have no MIL as such...

lennon80 · 12/10/2010 16:59

I wouldnt like it either. My MIL is very demanding and wants my first born to call her what in her native language means 'second mother' but also sounds very much like mummy. I dont know what to do about this as my husband says just let her.

dinkystinky · 12/10/2010 17:01

OP -fine for her to call your child "her baby" but not fine for her to call herself "mummy". How confusing is that for the child!? Get DH to have a word saying that you (as a couple of parents) would prefer for her to refer to herself as grandma to the baby instead of mummy and let it go. FWIW my MIL calls our sons her babies, says "what have mummy/daddy done to you" and scoop them up for cuddles etc but its not that irritating after a while - however she has never referred to herself as their mummy...

pommedeterre · 12/10/2010 17:24

lennon80 - you need to nip this in the bud now. get DH understanding NOW while you have time. Otherwise it will all be more painful in the long run as you get more and more angry, less and less willing to spend time with the ILs and MIL gets more and more upset and demanding of time with baby. With him stuck in the middle. You'd be doing him a favour!
Jumblequeen - what does your DH think about the situation?

SpecialC · 12/10/2010 17:29

I wouldn't like it at all and completely understand where you are coming from... and her behavior at the last visit is even worse!

My MIL is also very lovely but when I had DD (now 8 months old) I got really annoyed when she called her the same pet name she calls her 2 sons (means 'my child' in her native language). My husband is the one who asked her not to call DD that the next time he heard her say it. I felt petty for it but I can't just grit my teeth and keep on feeling annoyed with this...

So if I were you I would either talk to her or ask DH to talk to her!

When DD was born, I struggled with breastfeeding in the first week. First time she held DD she said (when DD was making mouth movements in her direction) 'oh she thinks I am her mummy'... How another woman with children of her own could not realise how horrible that would make a new mum (with crazy post-natal hormones!) feel, I cannot understand!!!

Hope this gets resolved xx

lennon80 · 12/10/2010 17:44

My MIL said that she wants to take our baby on holiday with her 'with no parents' when he is two years old. I bit my tongue at the time but told DH he needs to be making sure that she understands that is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN! He isnt even born yet and already I am dreading how controlling she will be. She even suggested my DH ring her when I go into labour so she can get the train here (she lives about 80 miles away)and see him as soon as he is born. As if I want that when I ave JUST given birth! I feel like having a baby is giving her an open invitation to feel she can interfere in our lives. I am terrified of what it will be like.