...to not want MIL to refer to my son as her baby?

[jumblequeen]

I should say from the off that I have a very good relationship with my MIL. Apart from this one issue, I think she's absolutely wonderful but that almost makes it harder to broach the subject. She keeps on saying "my baby" when referring to my son and it's really getting on my nerves. He's not hers, he's mine! I may have a touch of precious-first-born syndrome here but still... AIBU or should I say something? If so, how?!

Gosh, if nothing else I'm glad to hear I'm not alone! I realise I was being a bit unreasonable to begin with ("my baby" is inoffensive on reflection) and I told myself to stop being so daft. Then the mummy business and "what did they do to you?"... it's just too much. Couple that with the fact that she takes him away from me or walks away so that I can't take him (when I know it's a hungry cry!) and I find myself beginning to seethe...

There's no question of her love for him, or that this is borne out of anything approaching malice. I just know for my own sake that it's going to drive me absolutely potty and possibly poison what was otherwise a very good MIL / DIL relationship.

Yanbu, op. It totally got on my tits too.

I don't think it is just a saying actually. And, fwiw, I don't think it's about the mil's love for her grandchild at all.

I think it's someone who doesn't quite get the new family situation. It's about the mil's need to be a mummy figure again. It certainly doesn't show respect for the real mummy.

My mil certainly didn't get it. She seemed to think her gcs were her opportunity to relive her parenting days. She was furious when I and her daughter relieved her of this fantasy.

Before that, she had no problem overstepping boundaries, trying to take over and point out my parenting inadequacies with great pleasure. It was a horrible time. I said nothing for ages and then when she said I was lucky my ds didn't have hollow cheeks because I was bfing and that she was going to wean him at 4 months, I exploded.

Op, your mil sounds like she's forgotten herself and is definitely overstepping those boundaries.

Did she go through pregnancy? Labour? Sleepless nights? I'm sorry but nobody has the right to call your child "their" baby. I think it's very cheeky actually. And dismissing you as the mother.

I'd nip it in the bud if I were you. It's easier to do it now than two years down the line.

Does anyone on MN actually like their MIL?

I am currently NOT saying anything in roughly the same situation although dh knows exactly how I feel and it is poisoning things with her for me. When I know they're coming to stay I don't sleep for days before because I know how I'm going to feel. It also blows up everything else she does that is annoying until I start to really seethe.
When we go to them it is easier but we bought a house with extra space so that people could come and stay and dh works really hard and does not enjoy the travelling at the weekend.
Thank god they don't live near is all I can say!
I feel like I need to resolve it somehow but don't know how. Dh would hate to upset her.
Anyhow - at least I'm not the only one. Thanks Jumblequeen for that!

OP, my mother refers to my DS as her baby, but I know it's shorthand for the baby of the family. And the "what did mummy/daddy do to you" I can remember from my own childhood, any time any child cried it was a phrase used to distract and make them laugh. Although it was usually just "what did they do to you".

But calling herself mummy is absolutely beyond weird.

I thought my MIL was going to be OK (she was always lovely to my face, wasn't aware of how she was describing me to everyone else bar DH), then she had DS for a couple of hours - twice - and both times when I turned up to get him she was changing him out of the baby clothes she'd kept from DH's half-sister - 16 years previously. Loon.

Luckily she finds it much easier to go on holiday and tell everyone what a wonderful grandmother she is/terrible mother I am than pick up the phone/come over/invite us over, so harm is limited

Op, it's such bullshit.

There are so many names a grandparent can call a grandchild. Why light on "my baby" when it's not your baby and is bound to tread on toes?

If anyone called my children theirs, I'd invite them over to share a sleepless, urine filled mattress night with them. They'd soon change their tune!

I think grandparents often just forget what graft it is to be a parent for real. And that's why it irks. Your mil isn't really doing any of the hard stuff. I mean, she's entitled to enjoy the easy stuff but she's not entitled to the "my baby" shit. She needs to show some respect.

It really annoys me the way mums are expected to make way for the feelings of others. I think as a new mum, it's the op's turn to be prioritised because it certainly won't happen often.

Usualsuspect, I really like my mil. Now. Now she understands that she's a grandmother, not the mother of my dcs. We get on just great. I'm always sending her gifts and cards and she does the same for me.

She's a good person who loves her gcs dearly. But she really pissed me off in the early days.

Oh, forgot the rest of your post, OP - what to say.

I'd let the "my baby" slide, but next time she called herself mummy, I'd probably say that I felt uncomfortable with her using the term on herself. You have a good relationship with her otherwise, so I expect she'll respond OK to that.

Wow this sounds almost exactly like my MIL. I have a fantastic relationship with her but she did seem to go doolally when I got pregnant and then went into hyper-drive when our dd was born (her first and only grandchild)
She would also refer to my dd as 'her baby', want to take her off me at any given opportunity, would call me a 'mean mummy' as in 'oh what has your mean mummy been doing to you?' when dd was screaming her head off with colic. She once came into my bedroom, leant over me and kissed my dd on her face whilst she was bfing.

It used to drive me nuts but looking back I really don't think she actually meant to upset me I think she was just utterly overwhelmed at being a grandmother and the strength of her feelings.

I have called her up on a couple of things when I felt she went too far and now dd is coming up 3 my MIL has reverted back to the woman I always knew and loved. She and my dd have a fantastic relationship and she gives me space and respect to be a mother to my daughter.

It does get better, but don't be afraid to put your point across in a nice but firm way. Grandparents are precious and a good relationship with a MIL is a thing to be treasured.

well, US my parents love their GCs too they show their love in all kinds of non-possessive ways, wyas that respect us as parents..(they look at them adoringly, always have time to play, etc etc) they feel no need to call baby 'my baby', want to be called by heir own names (not 'Daddy' and 'Mummy') and don't imply we are doing a bad job.

in a way, i think it is a sign of an insecure GP, that they have to go that far. With my MIL, i think she sees my kids as a second go at what was, first time round, a bit of a mess. (though she'll still insist she did the right things...i could bore you with details, nevermind)

What some posters here fail to understand is that some MIL are not doing this out of love for their grandchildren but are trying to stamp their authority on the GC. My MIL is always telling me how I should be doing things before the child is even born, telling me I should not go back to work and should be sending him to private school etc etc. She is very controlling and demanding and phones our house every night to speak to DH. If we dont answer she lets it ring for ages and then keeps ringing at least seven or eight times!

ooo EdgarAllinPink. That's a thought. I'm the same as you in thinking that my parents love and cherish dd but act like doting gp's and also support me and dh whilst ILs are just cream crackers. I had considered she might ahve always wanted a dd and had two ds's but hadn't considered she felt insecure or a second chance type thingy.
Still, understanding only works for about five minutes then it's back to counting to 10 and dreaming of taking up smoking again!

Another MIL bashing thread ...I will leave you all too it

MIL are not doing this out of love for their grandchildren but are trying to stamp their authority on the GC.

This Too!

lennon80, you need to unplug the phone. That's harassment what your mil is doing.

Off you trot, usualsuspect. Bye bye.

Usualsuspect, I bloody love both my MILs, my stepmum and my Dad's third wife (DS has a lot of grandparents) but they are hard work sometimes. I am lucky in that the difficult bits, which relate mostly to DH not banning his mum from all family events as FIL & SMIL would like, only occur twice a year or so. But other people have had some awful experiences. I'm thinking about Special Nana Lainey-Loo and her insufficiently de-umbilicised son here.

Mostly I love DS having 2 sets of grandparents, even when it turns Christmas into a flying tour of Yorkshire and the Midlands. Plus, we get a lot more babysitting...

People are allowed to report the downsides of their relationships. It's one of the things that Mumsnet is for.

I know...I will be once DS arrives. Thing is I see it pisses DH off too so I dont really say too much. I have cried to DH a few times saying I am so worried she will really ruin the experience of us having our first child together as she is going to be so interfering. When she suggested taking the baby abroad to meet her family when he was three months old my DH said nothing and let me have to say ..erm no not really. Then I looked like the bitch but as if I am taking a three month old on a long haul flight. I can see there will be so much more of this to come. We have been together 9 years but this side of her I didnt really see before until I became pregnant.

I had something similar with my mil, she is also lovely and an absolute god send, but she kept on saying 'my son' when talking about her grandson (my son). It really started to wind me up. We went out for lunch one day and DS had fallen asleep in his car seat, but I still went to get him out, she said 'You'd better not be waking my son up!' so I simply replied, 'no your son is getting the pram out'.
There was no argument or difficult silence, but she's never called him her son since.

Perhaps you could try something like this??

I like the way you see it show of hands, makes me realise a little more about how my mil must feel.

this used to annoy me when ds was a small baby but I think it´s just a kind of primal possessiveness you feel as a mother against a woman who is not biologically related to you, no matter what the relationship or how well you get on. or that is the only way I can explain it to myself anyway.

Because rationally I was aware I could leave my ds with my parents, even overnight at under a year, they call him ´my baby/ my boy" and often slip up and say "give it to mummy i mean granny" and I wouldn´t think a thing of it. Because they are my parents and I know they know he is not their actual child, but he is their grandchild and that makes him just as important to them and the terms of endearment are just that. and calling themselves mummy or daddy is just 30+ years of habit i expect. I would think it odd to read any of it differently. Yet MIL staking any kind of claim had my hackles rising, though i´d never in a million years have said anything about it because it was so totally and utterly unreasonable.

Poor MILs.

had considered she might ahve always wanted a dd and had two ds's

..this is true of my MIl too. she seems to think parenting would have been much easier for her if she'd had girls. I think otherwise.

3 years in though, and it annoys me much less -she has stopped doing the most annoying things, accepted i am not going to take her 'helpful advice' and with this groundwork down, i am much happier to bugger off and leave her with DH and the kids for the day. I have realised that I am the strong one, who gets to actually say what happens in their kids lives, and when she gets to see them etc etc. Therefore...complaining feels a bit like bullying. I am complaining about the weaker person.

I will say also that DH has always backed me up on these, if he hadn't this would be much harder.

I have wondered if MILs with only sons are more likely to be like that. I know my mum has always said that when I moan about dh/exes or my brother has girl issues she always thinks of the other one of us as well. She always tells me to not upset MIL and just put up but she did let slip once that she would be much more wary with db's future baby momma (if there is one!) as she would think of me and would try to be as helpful and respectful as possible.
Think maybe MILs with only sons have no such frame of reference AND are so used to being the only woman and therefore only mother than they cannot accept someone else in this role and revert to it immediately.

Poor mils my arse!

All they have to do is use a bit of common sense and not try to take over other people's children.

Ah come on, the MIL bashing is ridiculous. My MIL rings and says "How are my boys?" , because she loves my children, wants to be close to them, and is a kind and loving Grandmother.

What a fucking bitch, huh?