Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sex life problems

262 replies

notsue · 31/08/2010 12:22

Have name changed for this, will try to give as much info as i can.

DP and I have been together for about 11 years, have kids etc and our sex life is particularly non existence and has got progressively worst.

Problem is dp 'sulks' when he doesnt get sex as and when he wants it. He will go a lot, not talk to me, make snide remarks about me being frigid, stop helping out etc, etc.

We have tried discussing it, but always reach stale mate. I tell him its not acceptable to carry on like a spoilt child when he doesnt get what he wants and that i find the sulking unbearable. I refuse to be 'sulked' into having sex with him.

I ask him to stop sulking, he says "well have sex with me then"

He says he is not sulking and goes out a lot because "whats the point of staying home, if no sex is on offer"

He refuses to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable and that i am the one being unreasonable for not having sex with him.

He says i have a problem with sex and need to sort it out and that he doesnt sulk, only i view it like this because i have a problem with sex.

Have to go out in a minute, but will be back later and will show him this thread with other opinions on his behaviour or mine as the case may be.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 13:17

Olifin, dp does need sex to feel loved or wanted, he has very low self esteem and isnt sufficiently emotionally developed, stemming from an abusive childhood.

He takes anti-depressants and i am trying to help and support him the best i can. He is doing well, other the sex issue!

OP posts:
Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 13:24

Thanks everyone for listening and replying, it has helped being able to talk this through, even if you are all a bunch of strangers on the internet, i wouldnt have been able to talk as opening to anyone in RL! you have been very helpful Smile

OP posts:
Olifin · 01/09/2010 13:26

Notsue- sorry to hear about your OH's abusive childhood.
I wasn't referring particularly to your OH in what I said; more responding to the assertions made by several posters that men in general need sex to feel loved. I don't believe that is that case unless there's something not quite right, as is the case with your OH.

Hope you get things sorted.

Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 13:33

Olifin, perhaps i should have mentioned it earlier, as it might have made it easier for everyone to understand the situation, but was thinking of showing the thread to dp so didnt want to bring this up and for him to read it.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 01/09/2010 13:43

Op tells us the 'meat', to add to he 'bones' at the very end of the thread. I understand her reasons, but it doesn't really help. This thread could have cut to the chase and given her the appropriate advice is we had been provided with the whole picture.

BrandyAlexander · 01/09/2010 13:48

notsue, i said after your first post that the issue wasn't who was being unreasonable but more what were you going to do about it on the basis that it was clear the situation couldn't continue (not least for the sake of your sanity). I am not one for irresponsibly telling women on the internet that they should leave their husbands but I am really struggling here. I can only see 3 possible solutions.... 1) you carry on as you are now. I think that the relationship will end eventually because the resentment will build up in you. 2) you just have no sex at all. he will clearly go off and have sex elsewhere because the resentment will build up in him. Again I think that would be the end of the relationship. 3 ) you get counselling (individually and together) to help you move forward one way or another. You say he doesn't want counselling so ultimately you are back to 1 or 2. For that reason, I would be saying to him that you need to have counselling because otherwise one way or another your relationship is at an end.

Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 13:49

Well im still here, if you feel it changes the situation and you want to add any more appropriate advice and obviously wont be showing this thread to dp now.

I didnt think it would change the situation, just makes the why he behaves the way he does a little more understandable.

OP posts:
Olifin · 01/09/2010 13:50

That's understandable notsue. Maybe it's worth mentioning counselling again. I know he wasn't very willing in the past but if you can explain that it may make a difference to you both; to help you have a sex life that you can both enjoy equally, then perhaps he'll try it. Not easy though, I understand why some people are very reluctant to attend relationship counselling.

diddl · 01/09/2010 13:57

TBH, I don´t much will change-long term-if he doesn´t get help.

ChaoticAngel · 01/09/2010 13:58

I agree with pp's about him having counselling. He needs to sort out his self esteem issues if you are both going to find a way forward with this.

Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 14:00

We did both attend counselling, then she wanted to see dp on his own and he did go for a while, but discontinued it as he felt he had come to terms with his past.

He now wont attend counselling and says that i am the one who needs the help, not him.

So i guess we will just both have to make an effort and see what happens. If it doesnt work then i will have no other options but to call it a day.

OP posts:
BrandyAlexander · 01/09/2010 14:04

notsue, I am afraid that if he won't attend counselling (because it is you not him) then your relationship is doomed. I don't think you can say that you will both just have to make an effort, because making an effort would (on his part) involving not sulking and going to counselling. He is not willing to do either. Really, making an effort means that you will just be having more sex to keep the peace. :(

Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 14:15

I will have another chat with him later, when the kids are in bed.

I do think that we both need to take responsibility for our behaviour, rather than blaming each other and if he wont even accept that his behaviour is unacceptable, we dont stand a chance.

Will let you know if we make any progress.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/09/2010 14:17

I think novice has a point.

TBH if he sulks so much that you end up having sex at times when you don´t really want to then he is being at least manipulative.

Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 14:21

But i do feel the conversation will go the same as it always does, me wanted him to accept that he cannot behaviour like this and him basically telling me he wouldnt behave like this if we had sex.

I will make it clear that i am not prepared to accept the blame for his behaviour and he will say he is not prepared to accept the blame for my behaviour.

ARGH!

How do i move this conversation along to make progress?

OP posts:
diddl · 01/09/2010 14:25

But he won´t take responsibility for his behaviour-he´s made that clear by his sulking.

Nothing will change until he realises that sulking in an adult is unacceptable and you can still love him without having sex every time he wants.(IMO)

ChaoticAngel · 01/09/2010 14:27

Tbh, I'm not sure you can.

You are willing to make an effort but he isn't. It takes two to make a marriage/relationship work.

Malificence · 01/09/2010 14:30

Going by everything I've ever read and seen so frequently on here, don't antidepressants generally obliterate libido? Confused

You are not in the wrong here - it's his attitude that is the problem

BrandyAlexander · 01/09/2010 14:38

I agree with diddl and chaotic. I know you said you're not married, but I passionately believe in till death do us part etc, as you have children, I see no difference i.e so I would not want to walk away from a relationship. However I also believe that if you are the only one willing to make the effort then you no longer have a relationship. I left a long term relationship many years ago, because I realised that being in a relationship is a bit like being in one of those two man rowing boats where you each have a paddle. Ideally you make the same effort but there are times when one of you will make more effort then the other and that's expected and you help each other out. The boat goes nowhere and is on a doomed journey if for a sustained period of time, only one of you is rowing and the other just doesn't want/isn't willing to do anything. Sorry to hammer the point home, but you can't do this alone. :(

SolidGoldBrass · 01/09/2010 14:48

Look, this man thinks, unshakeably, that you exist for his benefit and should obey him. You have told him that if he was prepared to make the effort to treat you with kindness and courtesy you would feel more inclined to have sex more often, yet he is still putting pressure on you, as though sooner or later you will be 'broken' and obedient and just open your legs whenever he says the word. He's not prepared to compromise, or listen to you, his response to your suggestions is to try and get you 'seen to' by a doctor as though there is a switch that can be pushed to stop you malfunctioning.
Basically he thinks he's the only person who matters in the relatinship, that his wishes come before yours and that because you';re a 'woman' if you're not an obedient fuckhole you need to be 'fixed'.

Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 15:09

Malificence, he takes ciralopram 20mg and it doesnt affect his libido at all.

Perhaps he should switch to a different one and do us both a favour Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 15:14

Will give it one more chat tonight, even though i do feel i am hitting my head against a brick wall.

Perhaps i will use some of you words Solidgold, so he realises how strongly i feel about this.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 01/09/2010 18:17

ALso, do bear in mind that on the compromise front, what you need him to do (stop sulking, namecalling and threatening you) is far less painful, difficult and distressing than what he is demanding you do (open your legs and be fucked, like it or not).

Minxie1977 · 01/09/2010 18:44

I know you've said relate's too soft - but it really depends on the counsellor. We had a great one, who started off by saying 'I will call you on all your shit' and said when we were 'wrong'. Most aren't like that but maybe finding a strong counsellor would help. Ours would def have told DH he was totally in the wrong for treating you this way.

dignified · 01/09/2010 18:54

I still dont think this is about sex at all unfortunateley, rather i think its a horrible reflection of how he sees you and a general lack of respect for you.

Re he needs sex to feel loved , i dont buy that, you might feel you need flowers every day to feel loved, but would you actually demand that someone does that for you ? If he doesnt get it after being told repeatedly, hes not going to. What you have to work out is are you going to accept being treated this way.

Fwiw, i wouldnt agree to have sex with him a certain number of times to compromise, id insist he stops , right now, and i wouldnt go near him again until he does. I agree re relate , it might be worth ringing womans aid as there are a number of womens centres across the country where you can go for free counselling.