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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sex life problems

262 replies

notsue · 31/08/2010 12:22

Have name changed for this, will try to give as much info as i can.

DP and I have been together for about 11 years, have kids etc and our sex life is particularly non existence and has got progressively worst.

Problem is dp 'sulks' when he doesnt get sex as and when he wants it. He will go a lot, not talk to me, make snide remarks about me being frigid, stop helping out etc, etc.

We have tried discussing it, but always reach stale mate. I tell him its not acceptable to carry on like a spoilt child when he doesnt get what he wants and that i find the sulking unbearable. I refuse to be 'sulked' into having sex with him.

I ask him to stop sulking, he says "well have sex with me then"

He says he is not sulking and goes out a lot because "whats the point of staying home, if no sex is on offer"

He refuses to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable and that i am the one being unreasonable for not having sex with him.

He says i have a problem with sex and need to sort it out and that he doesnt sulk, only i view it like this because i have a problem with sex.

Have to go out in a minute, but will be back later and will show him this thread with other opinions on his behaviour or mine as the case may be.

OP posts:
franklampoon · 01/09/2010 00:28

This has touched a nerve as there is a teeny but of something similar in my relationship Sad

Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 00:29

ccp, well generally pretty shit, because he is too busy sulking!

Oh i cant pick up after myself, because you dont want sex!

I will punish you with my 'non picking up' ffs!

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 01/09/2010 00:30

Snoozathon apology accepted but unnecessary :) Reading back on my post I can see how it was interpreted that way.

franklampoon · 01/09/2010 00:31

did you mean sex used to rock, or when you eventually give in to his sulking, it rocks?

mummysgoingmad · 01/09/2010 00:34

why are you still with him notsue? he sounds awful and from your posts you seem utterly miserable.

Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 00:35

Frank, i really cant see his point of view to be honest (perhaps that is the problem) i really dont know anymore.

As far as im concerned i have told him what the problem is and he is doing nothing to rectify it, just keeps adding to it.

Although he would say the same of me.

But i dont sulk and behave in the same as he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 00:37

Frank, sex rocks, when i want sex, not have to 'do it' because if i dont he will sulk.

He has noticed the difference, but puts 2 and 2 together and = i have problem.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 01/09/2010 00:39

He's noticed that a difference in HIS behaviour affects your enjoyment of sex, and it's YOU who has the problem?

Confused
franklampoon · 01/09/2010 00:40

notsue I can't see his point of view either Confused

My sister , in a very similar but less drastic situation. With her dh about 15 years. 2 kids 14 and 12. Unlike you never been much into sex! But now could completley live without.

her dh sulks if they have not had sex for a few days, but they DO discuss it and he agrees he is out of order. Thye otherwise have a lovely relationship and he 's a great bloke.
The compromise is they have sex 2 or 3 times a week, but if he sulks , it's a lot less!

Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 00:41

Mummygoingmad, that is a good question.

If truth be told, i dont know. Habit, having kids together is probably nearer to the truth than love.

For any relationship to last 11 years, takes work, not sure if im prepared to do the overtime anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 00:44

Bertie, to him it = im frigid, before you used to enjoy sex!

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 01/09/2010 00:45

"He has noticed the difference, but puts 2 and 2 together and = i have problem."

You said in an earlier post that he discontinued counselling shortly after going for it on his own. It seems to me that he can't take responsibility for his own behaviour. Maybe that's why he stopped the counselling because it was taking him in a direction that he didn't want to face up to.

I'm not a counsellor and I don't want to say anything too definitive because I could be wrong about that. If it is true though and he can't/won't take responsibility for his own behaviour then I'm not sure that you have a lot of choices.

It seems to me that you've been banging your head against a brick wall for a long time and he isn't and won't ever listen Sad

Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 00:47

Frank, as strange as it sounds, he is not a monster.

an illogical, selfish twat, maybe. I can live with illogical, selfish twat. But sulking to get what you want is a deal breaker!

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/09/2010 00:51

You know, SolidGoldBrass is famous for cutting through a lot of OPs and saying, outright, that their husbands see them as a domestic appliance with a vagina attached. Sometimes it's an overstatement, usually (IMO) it's not.

Your husband is really saying that to you explicitly, isn't he, OP? He won't spend time with you, and won't pick up after himself or contribute to the household chores, unless you have sex with him. Straight out, that's what he's saying: I will only be a husband and father if I am rewarded for it by sex. Otherwise, you can wait on me domestically and do without any affection or company, because sex is all you're really good for.

And actually, he's happy to go behind your back and be on sex sites. He's always been sexually demanding. It wouldn't be at all out of character if he were frequenting sex workers, frankly, since he clearly feels that he is entitled to use a woman's body, and also that he is entitled to barter services for that use.

Ugh. I mean, sorry, but, ugh.

You sound very clear about your boundaries, notsue, which is great. I agree with the idea that a trial separation is in order here. The way he's treating you is just not on.

Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 00:56

Chaotic, exactly i cant change his behaviour, but i dont have to reinforce either.

He has a lot of 'stuff' to deal with and i am more than happy to help him. But i dont do 'sulking'. At this rate, i will leave him.

As i said earlier, i was hoping that seeing lots of opinions on here against him acting this way, may have swayed him, has backfired on me really!

Strangers on the internet maybe, far easier than asking friends!

Anyhow thanks everyone for your input, i need some sleep Smile

OP posts:
mummysgoingmad · 01/09/2010 01:44

I dont blame you notsue, he sounds like an utter git!

Have you mentioned divorce? Or are you getting an outsiders perspective 1st?

dignified · 01/09/2010 02:04

Notsue , im sorry youve had such a rotton time of it. I maintain my original statement that i think hes an abuser. I also think its highly likeley that he abuses you in other ways too, either verbally , financially ect.

I wonder if it would be worth starting a new thread in relationships to get some support ?
Have you considered contacting womans aid ?
Did your counseller call him on this behaviour ?

An excellant book is " Living with the Dominater " written by the organisers of the freedom programme, you can buy it on amazon for a few quid. The book describes several charecters, ranging from The Bully ,The Bad Father , to The Sexual Controller. From what youve said it sounds to me like he is a sexual controller. If so, this is really not about sex, you could have sex with him 5 times a day and he would still sulk, its a method of control . From my own experience of living with someone like this they are rareley faithfull either.

Please do get some support in real life , whats happening really isnt ok and although im sure you think your dcs dont hear , they probably do. You really do deseve better.

BertieBotts · 01/09/2010 08:23

Notsue, how are you feeling today?

I was thinking about your post last night and the bit where you said he has some "stuff" to work through was bothering me. Reading between the lines here and I might be completely wrong, but are you hanging on the the hope that if you love him more or are more reliable than anyone else has been, he will change? That if you give him the right support, he will be strong enough to make the changes for himself perhaps. I hear what you are saying that he is not a monster. The problem is, people who display abusive or controlling behaviours rarely are. That is what makes it so difficult - it would be easy to work out what to do, if someone was horrible all the time! But they keep you hanging on by having periods of niceness in with the abuse - so you think "Oh, he can be nice, if he tries" and hang on in the hope that he will try more, or overcome this black spot that makes them behave badly. Quite often they will use some arbitrary reason as an excuse - alcohol consumption, stress at work, lack of sex? So you think, if I could only eliminate that factor, he would be nice all the time. But eh? Why should you let yourself be used just to keep him in a good mood? It sounds like you have already come to this conclusion which is great. It's the first step. To move along further, you need to ascertain whether he actually wants to change or whether he is happy or thinks he is perfectly justified in the way he is behaving. (And if he does want to change, you can't continue to enable him by carrying on putting up with any unreasonable behaviour. Equally, if he thinks he is justified, there is no way you will get him to see otherwise.) From there, you have to make the difficult decision - can I live with this, for ever?

thesecondcoming · 01/09/2010 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minxie1977 · 01/09/2010 10:30

Just to make it clear - if you do - show posts to DH - HE IS VERY WRONG to treat you this way. Going back to relate seems the only way forward if he wants to keep his marriage!

differentnameforthis · 01/09/2010 10:35

So I'm afraid you just need to lie back and think of England till your libido returns

Offs! Yeah, cos it's a woman's job to just do that, isn't it. Have sex she doesn't want just so her husband doesn't sulk!

Sometimes I wonder if I have stumbled into darkages.com

PosieParker · 01/09/2010 10:37

ccpccp Tue 31-Aug-10 13:59:03
Thats probably the best bit of advice on here snowbear

To other posters - my point is that OPs H has needs as does she. If this were a short term thing then OP is right to hold off till she wants it herself. But it sounds like a longterm thing to me.

How long must her husband wait till its unfair?

I very much doubt he feels good about sulking like a little boy. OP doesnt say, but maybe hes tried many things to get the situation back on track again, with little or no result. Sulking is all he has left.

Ocasionally thinking of England is a small price to pay to keep a marriage together.

This last sentence is truly unbelievable, do people really think like this?

PosieParker · 01/09/2010 10:42

OP....your husband is a dimwitted bully. He thinks by behaving badly you will give in, I wonder how that works in his eyes? He makes you feel shit about yourself and then hey presto you want to have sex with him?

I always tell my DH it's a long game not a quick reward. He treats me with respect and someone he loves and I feel like getting intimate. He thinks intimacy brings us closer and then we get on better....I think it's the other way round. There are things you can do if you want your libido back, usually starts with a sex ban, then exploring yourself and then masterbating and then touching and exploring with your dH and eventually sex.

Your DH needs to turn you on as a whole woman before he gets some.

Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 11:07

Tortoise - That is exactly what he is saying, why should he do anything, if i dont have sex with him.

Mummy - we are not married. I would rather try to sort this out, but its proving impossible.

Dignified - Perhaps relationships, might have been a better place. No to womens aid, i know what i have to do either sort this out or leave. Counseller, not really just that everyone behaviours in a certain way for a reason, hence the 1:1 with him to try and find the reason. She thought that he was depressed and of course he said he was depressed because i dont have sex with him!

Bertie - Im ok thanks. Ive reached the point, where i feel what is the point with trying to support him, nothing changes and he will say exactly the same thing. He would say that everything else in our relationship is fine, the only thing missing is sex. I would say our relationship isnt fine, thats why sex is missing.

"To move along further, you need to ascertain whether he actually wants to change or whether he is happy or thinks he is perfectly justified in the way he is behaving"

This is where we are at now and he thinks he is perfectly justified and i am the one who needs to change.

He is right to a certain extent, a sexless relationship is doomed and i have told him that i am aware of this. Then we are back to square again with who needs to change their behaviour. He says i do and i maintain that he does!

Minxie - Relate are too soft, no one is ever 'wrong', i think he actually needs someone other than me to tell him outright that is not acceptable.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 11:17

Posie, our sex life was great until i got pregnant with our last dc, medical complications made sex very uncomfortable, so although we did have some sex, not much.

At this point he started the "im going out if sex isnt available" or "i will get elsewhere".

I had never seen him in this light before, because are sex life previously had been good, they was never a 'lack' of sex previously.

Its been downhill ever since, with sex becoming less and less regular, the more he sulks and acts unreasonably the more i dont want sex.

Its become a vicious circle, with i have tried to break several times now.

OP posts:
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