sex life problems

[notsue]

Have name changed for this, will try to give as much info as i can.

DP and I have been together for about 11 years, have kids etc and our sex life is particularly non existence and has got progressively worst.

Problem is dp 'sulks' when he doesnt get sex as and when he wants it. He will go a lot, not talk to me, make snide remarks about me being frigid, stop helping out etc, etc.

We have tried discussing it, but always reach stale mate. I tell him its not acceptable to carry on like a spoilt child when he doesnt get what he wants and that i find the sulking unbearable. I refuse to be 'sulked' into having sex with him.

I ask him to stop sulking, he says "well have sex with me then"

He says he is not sulking and goes out a lot because "whats the point of staying home, if no sex is on offer"

He refuses to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable and that i am the one being unreasonable for not having sex with him.

He says i have a problem with sex and need to sort it out and that he doesnt sulk, only i view it like this because i have a problem with sex.

Have to go out in a minute, but will be back later and will show him this thread with other opinions on his behaviour or mine as the case may be.

He does seem to put a lot of emphasis on sex.

Yes, I know it´s important but I would have thought many/most(?) men would find a way of bearing it through a pregnancy for medical reasons without nasty remarks.

I would lose all respect for a man who could be like that & that would probably put me off wanting sex with him ever again tbh.

They surely do Posie, when longterm libido issues exist.

Others opt for an open marriage or the end to one.

But its not fair to 'sex ban' a partner for life and expect nothing to change.

OP has provided a lot more information since page 1 however, so none of my post really applies now.

Diddl - sex is be all and end all with dp. He uses sex to make himself feel better about himself. Without it, he feels unloved, not attractive etc etc.

He says he loves me, but when i point out that you dont treat someone you love like this, he will then say the same thing to me!

"if you loved me you would want to have sex with me" ARGH!

CCP, i havent imposed a sex ban for life. We have beeing having sex about 3-4 times a month. But for the about the last 4 weeks, i have made a stand and told him i dont want to have sex with him, if he continues to make my life miserable if i dont.

There is a constant atmosphere and i dont want that.

OP - this is a difficult one because he clearly has issues around sex that havent surfaced until you were unable to be as active in the bedroom.

(what sort of tosser expects sex when wife has medical complications?!)

He has no right to demand sex, and the sulking is bang out of line, however you should handle it carefully as he may have deep esteem issues.

I guess this is why you are still sleeping with him occasionally.

If he wasnt sulking and being controlling about it, would you be back up to 5 times a week now? Or has discovering this about him done it for you for good?

Sex ban thing wasnt to you notsue - I was responding in general following Posies gentle questioning of a post I made on page 1.

A lot of people have seen the 'think of england' comment in the post and knee-jerked.

I'll be more careful with my wording next time

Does he really think that you don´t love him because you don´t have sex though, or is that his way of trying to guilt you into it?

When my husband & I went through a bit of a "drought", it didn´t occur to either one of us that the other didn´t love us anymore.

CCP, you are quite right he has very low self esteem.

We have sex occasionally, when the atmosphere becomes unbearable, the silent treatment, the not helping etc etc, which then reinforces his if i sulk i get what i want.

If he didnt start sulking, there is no reason why our sex life would not have continued as it was before my last pregency.

"or has discovering this about him done it for you for good" im not sure, he has never given me the opportunity to find out, the sulking never stops.

There have been times that he has made an effort to stop sulking (not for long) but if this isnt instantly rewarded with sex, he stops.

So everything he ever does, is for sex. I then feel that he doesnt actually enjoy my company or doing things with the kids or doesnt help out because he loves me, he helps out for sex!

Notsue, perhaps DP meeds to understand 3-4 times a week is a very good active sex life, especially after 11yrs together and DC as well.

Why don't you suggest no sex, however we try to learn to appreciate each others bodies again for a while. Plenty of Hugs, kissing, oral sex, but no penetration.

My heart goes out to you because I have been in this situation. You may not want to try the above in your state of mind, and i completely understand, but you are at a stale mate and need to move forward in your relationship.

It may seem like you always give in, but perhaps give it one last chance, if you think it's orth it??

worth it??

Diddl, he says he feels unloved, unattractive and generally unable to carry on with life without sex.

I dont think he is trying to make me feel guilty, i think he does feel that way because of his low self esteem. He uses sex to make himself feel better about himself. So i suppose i am really cutting his life line, but i cant carry on like this.

Your only decision should be how long you are going to allow this situation to continue, he will destroy any love you have left for him if he carries on.

How does he think that men and women who work away ( for months at a time in the forces) cope with lack of sex?

Hve you asked him outright why he even wants to have sex with you when you don't feel like it? Have you told him how it makes you feel?
If the answer is yes and he still continues to bully you, he will not change and it's nothing to do with low self esteem.

Decent and loving people hate the idea of sex with an unwilling and unhappy partner.

Jump - its 3 or 4 times a month, not weeks!

If he were to stop making life unbearable for me, im sure our sex life would improve, although i cannot say for sure as the sulking doesnt stop.

You are right, it really is make or break time and i do want to try and make this work, 11 years and dc's and we have been through a lot together.

So i guess the starting point is agreeing how often we have sex, which i am prepared to do.

He is just not prepared to accept that the sulking is unacceptable, but perhaps if we agree to an amount first, he might be more willing to accept that his sulking is unacceptable. I appreciate that it will take effort from both sides, to make it work.

J4J, I suggested something similar BUT it's Notsue's hb who needs to understand that when thoughtfulness, tenderness & putting the other first are missing in a relationship, then sex is so not going to happen. His approach seems to suggest sex is a mechanical process where he gets relief - yep, that would make my libido nose-dive too. That's why I called him a dud. If they were to go the no sex route to restore intimacy, her dh would have to have an emotional epiphany and get rid of the blame approach.

Malificence - he doesnt want to have sex with me if i dont feel like it, he says he wants me to want sex and that i have a problem and need to sort it out.

He just doesnt get that him sulking is what is making me not want to have sex.

Well then yes I think it´s his problem because I don´t think that many men would think a life without sex would be a life not worth having iyswim.

When things were bad "sexwise" for us, we obviously wanted to sort it out, but also agreed that we would rather be together with no sex than not be together at all.

I don´t mean by that choosing a sexless marriage, but if for some reason it was "forced upon us".

TBH though, sulking is surely never really acceptable in an adult, whatever the reason.

And it´s certainly not attractive!

Dinahrod, I agree with you fully. My relationship ended. The no sex, sulking, not talking was the tip of the iceberg. I hope notsue still has a chance in saving her relationship, fi she wants to.

That is how i feel Altinkum, an agreed amount is very clinical.

What would you suggest?

How do we attempt to sort this out?

OP

I've advocated 'thinking of england' on here, but thats always been on the basis that you would be doing it because you love your husband and respect his needs. Not because you are being pressured into it to stop him whining.

Is agreeing an 'amount' the right way to go about it? You arent a commodity to be bought and sold in negotiation.

How about offering to, err, help him out as much as he needs if it'll stop him acting like a kid? Maybe overlook his use of porn? But be clear that there will only be full sex when you are also in the mood?

Whatever you decide, I think you may find that you no longer want sex 5 times a week, even if things are great. Libidos change, and if so you'll need to manage his expectations somehow.

Diddl - we did a similar thing, we split up because of his sulking/lack of sex and we got back together because dp had told me he would rather be with me without sex, than not with me. He agreed to stop with the pressure and things did improve for a while both sexually and sulking.

but as you can see it didnt quite work out and shortly after getting back together we were back to square one.

I would not put myself, dp or the kids through another break up, unless i intended for it to be for good.

This is where i am currently at, its either make one last go of this or split up.

Hope you can work through this issue notsue- I don't have any advice but just sending my sympathies and best wishes.

Just wanted to respond to several posters who claim that men need sex in order to feel loved and wanted....WTF? That's not my experience of men at all and I think it's quite an offensive view to hold about men. IMO, it just makes them sound totally primitive and stupid, which many/most aren't.

I feel quite relieved that my OH seems to be sufficiently emotionally developed not to require sex in order to know he is loved. Sure, we both like sex and enjoy the closeness it brings but we also both have a great many other ways of demonstrating our love for each other.

CCP, i feel i would be in the mood for sex, if he could stop with the constant pressure, but he cant stop with the pressure. Then it would be how long does the pressure have to stop for before i am in the mood!

The simple solution is he stops with the pressure and we have sex more regularly both at the same time. I really dont have a problem with sex, i enjoy sex. I just dont want to have sex while he is sulking.

Perhaps we both agree to stop, as from now? No more long winded discussions, just a clean slate as from today?

That sounds about the only thing to do tbh.