sex life problems

[notsue]

Have name changed for this, will try to give as much info as i can.

DP and I have been together for about 11 years, have kids etc and our sex life is particularly non existence and has got progressively worst.

Problem is dp 'sulks' when he doesnt get sex as and when he wants it. He will go a lot, not talk to me, make snide remarks about me being frigid, stop helping out etc, etc.

We have tried discussing it, but always reach stale mate. I tell him its not acceptable to carry on like a spoilt child when he doesnt get what he wants and that i find the sulking unbearable. I refuse to be 'sulked' into having sex with him.

I ask him to stop sulking, he says "well have sex with me then"

He says he is not sulking and goes out a lot because "whats the point of staying home, if no sex is on offer"

He refuses to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable and that i am the one being unreasonable for not having sex with him.

He says i have a problem with sex and need to sort it out and that he doesnt sulk, only i view it like this because i have a problem with sex.

Have to go out in a minute, but will be back later and will show him this thread with other opinions on his behaviour or mine as the case may be.

Has your libido gone? Or has your sexual attraction to him in particular gone?

i agree with ccpccp i found myself with a very low sex drive when i changed contraceptives and i still had sex with my dp as his needs matter just as much as mine.

If the shoe was on the other foot would you not sulk if your dp had a low sex drive for years and didn't want to have sex with you?

however the comment "whats the point of staying in if no sex is on offer" is a horrible thing to say, as if saying that is going to make you change your mind.

The sulking part is abusive no doubt about it. BUT lets get real, if one partner has a high sex drive and the other one isnt playing for whatever reason then the relationship is doomed.

If you look at it from the male perspective. He's getting rejected time and time again. It's bound to impact on his self esteem. Lots of people seem to think that men don't have feelings in this respect for some reason. It's very unfair.

Also it's very likely that he equates love with sex. Again what a blow to him to be pushed away all the time.

If you want to save your marriage then you need to put yourself on the line and grit your teeth. Once your back in the saddle his attitude and your feelings may change.

Yeah not a feminist arguement but a realist one.

I don't think sulking is abusive - it's childish. Think you would benefit from going to relate, he can learn how to address issues as an adult.

My DH had low libido due to stress/depression and I was understanding for a while but then became a moody randy mare. If you are in a loving adult relationship it is not unfair to want intimate physical contact with your partner on a regular basis. He is acting in a silly way about it and saying dreadful things - which is unacceptable- but he has every right to feel upset that he can't have sex. If you don't want sex and he does - what do you suggest as a solution? Pretty sure you'd be outraged if he slept with someone else!

Oh for the love of god

Care to elaborate Chip?

I think that many couples have different libidos though.

And tbh why should anyone be having sex when they don´t want to?

There can be compromises, and of course physical contact doesn´t always have to mean sex.

But I would never suggest that someone has sex when they really don´t want to.

Ccpccp has been causing trouble on lots of threads today...

OP i have had this conversation with DP before, it just isnt a turn on when they are behaving like children, my 5 year old sulks when he can't get his own way.
DP knows now that he will get sex when he is not being a childish twat, i don't respong to sulking and whinging with the kids so i certainly wont tolerate it from him.

I mean how do people think its going to work? Does he expect you to go 'oh dp your sulking is sooo sexy, its turning me right on now i must have you'

You don't need to lay back and think ok England as that would be very demoralising, you need to tell your dp that when he stops sulking and starts acting like a man you will have sex with him.

Which threads are those TitsalinaBumSquash?

Or are you just quoting Chip, where 'trouble on other threads' simply means anyone who doesnt agree with her?

'you need to tell your dp that when he stops sulking and starts acting like a man you will have sex with him'

I think we might be saying the same thing.

"Lie back and think of England"

What misogynistic claptrap.

NotSue's P, a supposedly mature adult acting like a spoilt, petulant toddler is one of the biggest turn offs going. I wouldn't have sex either with someone like that. You need to grow up and start treating you DP as a human being worthy of respect not as a sex object/blow up doll/piece of meat that you have a right to have sex with whenever you feel like it. You may just find she's more willing to have sex with you if you treat her with more respect.

What you actually said was 'lie back and think of England'

But im not going to start arguing! Im not that kind of person.

I hope you get something sorted OP.

OP when you get back could you tell us how long you refrain from having sex?

He sounds like an abusive arsehole who thinks its ok to bully you into having sex with him . What man wants to have sex with someone who tries to blackmail them into having sex ?

I find it disturbing that the majority of responses ask why she doesnt want sex instead of why the HUSBAND is being abusive .
And as for the poster who suggested lying back and thinking of england, fuck right off.
I hope you dont encourage this disgusting attitude in your children, how damaging.
Theres nothing wrong with the ops sex drive, its the husband whos got the problem.

Notsue , despite some of the replies on here what hes doing ISNT ok and is classed as emotional / sexual abuse. Look it up. And its not about sex either, its about bullying, youve made it clear you dont like it, yet he continues. I dont blame you for being pissed off, id be repulsed by him.

What disgusting man willingly would have sex with a woman who says " i dont want to "? Is he abusive to you in other ways ?

I honestly cant beleive some of the replys on this thread. The op is a person, not a fuck toy for her husbands entertainment , he goes out because theres no sex on offer at home ? Those statements sum up exactly what he thinks about you op, and on that basis i wouldnt have sex with him either.

He sounds like childish and manipulative. I don't agree that you should give in and have sex if you don't feel like it, that is like saying his 'needs' and wishes over-ride yours, and you should both be equal partners in the relationship.

It sounds as though you have talked about it a fair bit, which is a start, but to me it sounds as though the problem goes further than just sex. Are you usually open and honest with each other about how you feel? Aside from the sex issue are you both comfortable and happy together?

It sounds to me like he needs to make some serious changes- stop sulking, start showing that he wants sex in appropriate ways, respect your decision not to have sex (and accept that it's not a rejection of him). Perhaps you could also think about the reasons why you're not interested. Can you make more time to spend together in other ways?

how did you equate abuse from a sulking dp who cant get his end away?

I'm afraid I agree (partly) with ccpccp, if you were interested in him sexually you would not necessarily be put off by the sulking ...

Really ?

Thats what she typed Dignified.

Other opinions! Proper annoying arent they.

how did you equate abuse from a sulking dp who cant get his end away?

dp 'sulks' when he doesnt get sex as and when he wants it. He will go a lot, not talk to me, make snide remarks about me being frigid, stop helping out etc, etc.

He says he is not sulking and goes out a lot because "whats the point of staying home, if no sex is on offer"

He carries on despite the op telling him this behaviour upsets her. Seems how she feels isnt important, would you be ok with someone treating your daughter like this ?

Agree with Saira, the question is why don't you want to have sex with him? His sulking and your reaction is as a result of this. No way should you have sex if you don't want to but if this is causing major problems in your relationship then why don't you go and see a counsellor who specialises in sex therapy eg relate.

People usually have a difference in sex drive but compromise. If your sex drive is suffering you need to discover why and how to tackle this. Men are simple creatures when it comes to sex, your DH is feeling rejected and taking it out on you. You guys need to sort this out with expert help.

i wouldn't call it abuse more frustration. abuse is a very strong word which shouldnt be used lightly. and for what its worth if i did have a daughter i would tell her they may need to look at couples therapy.

the op's dp needs are just as important as hers an to withhold a sexual relationship for a extended amount of time isn't fair.

"You'd ignore the sulking if you were still interested sexually"

WTF? If Johnny Depp himself were sitting on my sofa, sulking, my ten-year crush on him would dry up pretty damn quickly...

notsue - "it always ends up with him sulking if he doesnt get sex as and when he wants it again."

From this, is sounds like one refusal is enough to set off the sulking, is that right?

There may well be another reason why you don't want to have sex - goodness, I hardly ever feel like it - but it's not for any of us to guess why you don't. For me, with my DH, it's been like that since having kids, being knackered most of the time - I hardly have time to shave my legs, so the last thing on my mind is getting in the mood - and the less I have sex, the less I feel like it.

The worst thing is to be with someone with a different sex drive to you - because it can pile on the pressure and it can have a negative impact (or I've always found it so). I went out with someone who was very demanding and in the end, I felt so nagged about it, I switched off altogether. It could have been the pill, but all sorts of things can have an impact - it could have been low level depression (interestingly, a friend of mine has just started taking anti-depressants and she's said that it's had a huge positive impact on her libido).

My DH is always willing to have sex, no matter the time of day. He generally waits for me to instigate it (bless him, he waits a long time sometimes), but he would feel physically sick if he thought he was making me have sex or that I felt obliged to.

He's always been like this, though his job makes him all too aware of putting pressure on me. He works with perpetrators of domestic abuse and sulking or being insulting, withholding affection, attention or refusing to help out at home, or punishing your partner in some way because you don't have sex when you want it is common controlling behaviour.

I'm sure that there is a way forward here. Maybe go an have a chat with your GP to see if you can rule out any physical reasons. If there are no physical reasons, would you both be happy to have some therapy? It could help sort out any issues.

I would call it abuse because thats exactly what it is, and is defined as such by many agencys. To sulk at someone , make snide remarks, pressurise them into having sex they dont want , punish them by going out " because sex isnt on offer " , stop helping out at home , stinks of it.

And the husband isnt some poor little frustrated man who doesnt know what hes doing, he knows full well, the ops says " I ask him to stop sulking, he says "well have sex with me then ".

The op says clearly that his sulking is the cause of her not wanting sex. If he wanted sex he knows what to do doesnt he,, back off and stop blackmailing. Yet he continues, ignoring her feelings , convenient stick to beat her with.

Johnny Depp would have to sulk a lot to get turned down tbh..

It may be an abusive or controlling behaviour, but that in no way means her DP is abusive. Most people exhibit some behaviours on the scale and I think we need to be careful labelling OP's DP.