sex life problems

[notsue]

Have name changed for this, will try to give as much info as i can.

DP and I have been together for about 11 years, have kids etc and our sex life is particularly non existence and has got progressively worst.

Problem is dp 'sulks' when he doesnt get sex as and when he wants it. He will go a lot, not talk to me, make snide remarks about me being frigid, stop helping out etc, etc.

We have tried discussing it, but always reach stale mate. I tell him its not acceptable to carry on like a spoilt child when he doesnt get what he wants and that i find the sulking unbearable. I refuse to be 'sulked' into having sex with him.

I ask him to stop sulking, he says "well have sex with me then"

He says he is not sulking and goes out a lot because "whats the point of staying home, if no sex is on offer"

He refuses to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable and that i am the one being unreasonable for not having sex with him.

He says i have a problem with sex and need to sort it out and that he doesnt sulk, only i view it like this because i have a problem with sex.

Have to go out in a minute, but will be back later and will show him this thread with other opinions on his behaviour or mine as the case may be.

TBH if there's even a hint of abusive behaviour, Relate will do no good. I don't know what their boundaries are, but this does come across as totally one sided. It started when you were ill - you did nothing to set this off. He was the one who made a conscious decision to start sulking, therefore starting this whole "vicious circle" off. You say he's had counselling alone in the past and stopped because he felt he'd come to terms with his past - how long did he go? Did it take a long time? Did you notice any change in him during this time? It sounds to me like he's made a token effort, left when he found it too hard/heard something he didn't want to hear, and is now using it against you as if to say "Well, I've done something for our relationship. Now it's your turn."

He doesn't seem to recognise that you have tried to help/change, many times, and it wasn't even your fault in the first place! You have been the one suggesting ways forward and he has given it a cursory effort, or joined in when he liked the idea (threesome?) but when it comes to him "trying" you said he stops sulking, and then if he doesn't get sex immediately, he starts again! That is not trying! Again, it's a token "effort" which he can use against you. I bet he moans that "I try, I've done everything I can and get nothing back!" Bullshit.

He might have had an abusive childhood, but that is NOT your fault, and it's NOT your issue to fix. HE is the one who has to work on it. I know that sounds heartless. But watching their Dad sulking and refusing to help out constantly isn't going to be a great role model for your children. Is he that selfish that he would pass his issues onto them? Is he willing to let them suffer because he's too lazy to do anything about it?

It just sounds like he has zero respect for you, and that is sad :(

Sorry I know it few pages back but one woman to suggest another lies back... as men have needs! I assume the need for sex! Is sex one person shagging another sex? if this is all that's on offer to meet ''needs'' wouldn't a WANK suffice. How vile!

quick update, managed to have a quick conversation while the kids were not about.

I asked him whether he can accept that his sulking is unacceptable. He says he does not sulk. I asked how would he describe what he does and he asked how do i expect him to act if we dont have sex.

I said what he is doing is controlling. He said i am the one who is controlling, i am trying to control him by telling him that he cant sulk.

He would rather me just have sex without wanting to, than change his behaviour so that i would want sex.

He is not prepared to go another 4 weeks without sex, so i have said it would be better if we didnt continue with our relationship, if thats how he felt.

This is another sign of my controlling behaviour, as i am ending our relationship because i cant get my own way!

Im not sure there is anything left to say after that.

I had to read that a few times as i thought i had misread it. He said you were trying to control him by telling him he cant sulk after claiming he doesnt ?

That must have been so frustrating for you. Thats the sort of thing my narcissistic ex would say .

Yes Dignified, apparently i am so controlling i am trying to tell him how he should or should not act.

He doesnt feel the following is 'sulking', perhaps i have the definition of 'sulking' totally wrong.

He will start getting dressed to go out and i will ask "oh are you going out", the reply is "yes" i will say "where are you going" the reply is "out".

Or he will take the car knowing i am waiting to use the car, tell me he will be back in half an hour and then not come back for hours and go and sit at a friends house.

He calls me the "ice maiden", in a jokey way, even in front of people.

He sleeps on the settee most nights.

He was decorating the bathroom, but this has stopped and he is refusing to do anymore on the grounds of "why should he"

The above is what has happened this week.

notsue. I am really sorry. :( He won't compromise at all, but he wants you to change. What are you getting out of this relationship? Are you in it for the kids? Are you still going to counselling alone, if not suggest that you do to get some RL support because he has made it very clear what his feelings are and I am not sure that there is anything to say after that.

Novice, what i am getting out this relationship, is a question i need to think about, because i cant think of anything at the moment. Other than the kids having their dad and a half decorated bathroom of course!

Have you packed for him yet?

Wont be able to until the kids go back to school tomorrow.

Which reminds must do bedtime.

Sorry to hear that notsue.

Is there any possibility that he needs to change his depression meds?

I have a friend with a dp who suffers with depression and he quite often visits his GP if the current mix is not working (but he is open to my friend about his problems and seems willing to accept her input when she gets sick of his treatment of her). He is also highly sexed and sometimes not happy about PJs and cocoa but they do seem to have a good relationship overall because they talk, and listen, to each other.

Obviously, if he won't hear your point, let alone act on it, it makes your life very hard. And you have to do what you have to do for you and the DC.

"I asked how would he describe what he does and he asked how do i expect him to act if we dont have sex."

So that is admiting to sulking.

How should he act if he doesnt get sex-like a bloody adult & get over it, or if necessary have a bloody wank!

Notsue, someone posted this on another thread and I thought it was interesting. It's long but worth a read?

www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

notsue I am so glad you know his behaviour is plain wrong and that you have not been ground down by his recent ways. So many people just suck up the shit without realising it's shit.
Good luck

Flowery, he has recently increased his meds from 10 to 20mg, literally within the last 2 weeks. But of course this will all be my fault and wouldnt be necessary if, yes youve guessed it, i just had sex.

Diddl, exactly! he has admitted that he sulks, but wont acknowledge it. Its like talking to a 3 year old, he is so illogical. "no i dont you do" he will try to twist everything i say. He really thinks that i am to blame for everything and wont accept any share of the responsibility.

BB, thanks for the link, i will have a read, once i get the kids off to school.

Frank, thank you, i still needed confirmation after a while of someone twisting everything you say and blaming you, there is a tiny part that starts to doubt!

I didnt try to talk to him about this anymore last night, i just didnt have the energy.

notsue

I dont think he really cares about his own behaviour at this point. Anything goes while you deny him something you used to give freely. In his eyes, no sex = no marriage. Its a deal breaker.

You want your marriage back? Start having sex again. Thats his gameplan and it probably isnt a bluff.

If you do kick him out, it should be for good this time. No having him back into the house a week later. This may sound awful but the guy has too much baggage. You've tried to help and support but nothing has changed.

Just to be clear 'You want your marriage back? Start having sex again. Thats his gameplan and it probably isnt a bluff.' is not my advice! Its my interpretation of what he is thinking.

This man has all but said to you that he doesn't care what you want WRT sex, he just wants to have it with your body. I don't think there is any coming back from this, or any way of dealing with someone who really, really doesn't consider you to be a human being. I don't want to alarm you but a man who is this fixated on his 'right^ to use you as a fuckhole is a man who may, at some point, when sulking and emotional abuse don't work any more, escalate to basically fucking you even if you have refused sex. Because in his head that's what you're 'for'.

BB - Have read the link and it describes dp well. I was thinking of getting him to read it, but i dont see the point, he wont recognise his own behaviour, he will say it describes me well.

I am the one sulking, by not having sex for 4 weeks.

I am the one trying to control, by not having sex for 4 weeks.

CCP - he got up this morning from the settee and went to bed when the kids woke up. He will get up at about 3pm. He had taken the month of work to do repairs around the house. None of which have been done of course. He thought month of work would = marathon sex sessions, he seems to forget that the kids were also off of school, so this was a bit unrealistic. So he has spent about 3 weeks, going out with friends, visiting friends, drinking, playing video games all night and getting up at 3pm and complaining about lack of sex of course.

When we split up before, he took an overdose as "he couldnt live without me", the ultimate method of control.

His GP also referred him to a psychiatrist, he needs to phone to make the appointment, but he hasnt.

Even if he goes to see the psychiatrist, he will tell them i am controlling and manipulative, if i dont get my own way i stop sex etc, etc and they will end up giving him advice about not giving into my behaviour, which will reinforcing his behaviour!.

When i ask him what is "my own way", what is it that i am wanting him to do, his reply is not have sex!

I am using him to decorate the house and because he has not decorated, i am withdrawing sex.

He is very convincing, i sometimes think i am going crazy.

Should also add i did not ask him to take a month of work to do repairs, he volunteered this.

I havent been nagging him about doing the repairs.

He then decided, after doing a certain amount that if sex wasnt on offer he wouldnt bother continuing.

See i feel like i need to defend myself, even though im not under attack and explain going crazy!

notsue - I have felt physically sick numerous times while reading this thread. I fear your dp has some kind of sex addiction. He sounds totally obsessed. You say he equates sex with love, that is such a cop out. I am not hearing any love in his treatment of you at all.

ccpccp - I think if you took a straw poll here, or anywhere, from women who had been married 11 years and have children, you would find that the frequency of sex in MOST marriages diminishes over time.

Notsue, my heart really goes out to you and wish I could come round and give you a big hug.

Men are such wankers thinking life revolves around their feelings and what they want!!! I can never understand why they think they are far more important than us!!

NOtsue, this man is selfish and abusive and not going to change. It's ony going to get worse. ANd with a man like this, even if you agree to allow him to fuck your body, that will soon not be enough, the bullying will start again, he will sulk if you don't 'smile' or express pleasure or participate, or he will demand sex at a really inconvenient time (because it's an inconvenient time, the idea is to see if you will prioritize his requirements over everything else).

I think you should start looking into the legal/financial aspects of ending this marriage but don;t tell him until you are ready to move as abusive men often become physically aggressive when they realise they are losing their 'possession'.

Hmm. He took an overdose, but he's still here, isn't he? Obviously he didn't want to kill himself that badly. It's attention seeking behaviour, best ignored.

Again, I know I sound insensitive, but I have seen it all before. Phone Women's Aid - they have seen this hundreds of times too, they will be able to sympathise and advise on the best course of action, one that you are happy with.

If you want to leave/kick him out but are afraid he might attempt suicide again, inform the police. Let them deal with it. Don't engage with him directly. He is doing it so that you will worry about him and/or feel guilty. He DOES NOT really want to kill himself. You have children together so will need to facilitate access - but you can do this through a contact centre or family member to begin with. You don't have to come into contact with him at all, and he doesn't have to have unsupervised access to the children (if you think he would try and emotionally manipulate/upset them too) either. This is within your control. If you are unmarried I strongly suggest you see a solicitor to sort out access arrangements rather than trying to do it between yourselves.