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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sex life problems

262 replies

notsue · 31/08/2010 12:22

Have name changed for this, will try to give as much info as i can.

DP and I have been together for about 11 years, have kids etc and our sex life is particularly non existence and has got progressively worst.

Problem is dp 'sulks' when he doesnt get sex as and when he wants it. He will go a lot, not talk to me, make snide remarks about me being frigid, stop helping out etc, etc.

We have tried discussing it, but always reach stale mate. I tell him its not acceptable to carry on like a spoilt child when he doesnt get what he wants and that i find the sulking unbearable. I refuse to be 'sulked' into having sex with him.

I ask him to stop sulking, he says "well have sex with me then"

He says he is not sulking and goes out a lot because "whats the point of staying home, if no sex is on offer"

He refuses to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable and that i am the one being unreasonable for not having sex with him.

He says i have a problem with sex and need to sort it out and that he doesnt sulk, only i view it like this because i have a problem with sex.

Have to go out in a minute, but will be back later and will show him this thread with other opinions on his behaviour or mine as the case may be.

OP posts:
snoozathon · 31/08/2010 23:48

FFS here we go al-fucking-ready, ChaoticAngel is it more important to win a fucking argument than listen to and chat to the OP?!

ChaoticAngel · 31/08/2010 23:50

OP, not only are YNBU but your 'd'h is being a twunt. An abusive, bullying one at that. You don't, and shouldn't have to, put up with this behaviour Sad

DinahRod · 31/08/2010 23:50

And you find it hard to be intimate with him? Bloody hell, I'm not surprised.

Bromide in his coffee?

Original poster
notsue · 31/08/2010 23:51

Up until my last pregency, we would have sex regularly. It wasnt until i didnt give him sex, that i realised he sulked if he didnt have it.

Since then it has been a battle that has got progressively worst, until we are now in the situation of having sex about 2-3 times a month.

I no longer has sex because i want to, but i have to. Even then he is like a bear with a sore head.

We now havent had sex for about 4 weeks. Whenever we try to discuss it, such as tonight, he tells me i have something wrong with me and need counseling.

We have had relationship counseling about a year ago, we went as a couple and she asked to see him on his own. He discontinued the counseling, shortly after.

OP posts:
franklampoon · 31/08/2010 23:52

notsue do you EVER want to have sex with him?
With anyone?

It sounds like a horrible situation. My sister is in a very similar one

franklampoon · 31/08/2010 23:55

Are you considering leaving him?

tabouleh · 31/08/2010 23:58

WidowWadman

Forcing someone to have sex is not just wrong it is rape.

Forcing someone to not have sex - well this isn't actually something you can do! Because there is the option for someone to have sex outside the relationship!

Sure, it is a relationship issue - but it has got to be looked at within the dynamic of the relationship - it there ill health/stress/bad feelings between partners wrt to other areas of the relationship.

ccpccp · 01/09/2010 00:00

Fair enough Bedlambeast. No-one here is saying hes a pleasant character.

And your solution is?

Let me guess. He can wank.

floweryblue · 01/09/2010 00:03

notsue, have read lots of the responses but unable to say YABU/YANBU without your recent clarification

I think you have done 'experiments' that you weren't comfortable with and that life's normal pressures have made you feel even worse about doing stuff when you didn't feel 'right' about it.

It sounds like you now have a nearly phobia and he is feeling rejected by being told no too many times in a row, so you both have problems which need to be addressed.

I know that in my relationship, one or other of us can be keen and the other not, but saying no (for either of us) is not a problem because after a while it will all be OK again.

Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 00:03

Frank, i like sex, sex isnt the problem as far as i am concerned. I dont want to sex with him. I have reached a point where i wont be bullied into it.

Yes i have left him before because of 'sex' although obviously that wasnt the reason, his behaviour was.

I was hoping to show him this thread and that it would make him see sense. But others think it is my 'problem' it would just reinforce his views.

The ball is in his court, i wont have sex with him all the while he 'sulks', i wont give into his childish sulks, even if potentially that makes me just as childish. Ive had enough.

OP posts:
snoozathon · 01/09/2010 00:04

Oh notsue I think you know this is beyond the realms of 'not quite right' and your relationship is in serious trouble. your DH is in denial, having been for couple counselling he's trying to make it your fault and any woman would feel exactly how you do in this situation.

I think men like your Dh find it really hard to accept your feelings and you deserve better. if you stay with him it will grind you down and you need to know there are other options. there are lots of people on here who can and will support you.

Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to, or stay with if push comes to shove?

snoozathon · 01/09/2010 00:06

Please ignore it if people start using this thread to have their own debates notsue, people do get quite worked up about female libido loss for whatever reason and you need support, not debate. x

mummysgoingmad · 01/09/2010 00:06

I retract my previous posts notsue, given more info your situation seems horrible. I think that if he isn't willing to talk about it and work on it then whats the point! He sounds like a petty child.

I think snoozathon may be right about your marriage being in serious trouble.

tabouleh · 01/09/2010 00:08

snoozathon

"FFS here we go al-fucking-ready, ChaoticAngel is it more important to win a fucking argument than listen to and chat to the OP?!"

ChaoticAngel is being supportive to OP.

To be honest lots of people often get a real intuitive sense for the layers of issues behind an OP.

To others it may seem like people are somehow desparate to unmask abusive behaviour!

Surely it is better to help a poster discuss whether her DH is being reasonable rather than ignore this on the slight possibility that the OP will be terrible offended as everyone is off base.

To me if someone like chaoticangel is "barking up the wrong tree" - the OP might be cross but no biggy - but if actually there are some worrying things going on then they are likely to be pleased to have a chance to discuss them.

In my opinion a man who sulks due to no sex during pregnancy (for medical reasons) and who hassles a woman into sex before the recommended 6 weeks after birth is showing abusive behaviours.

OP - are there any other areas of his behaviour which are worrying you (apart from the sulking?).

Women's Aid - it's there if you need it.

snoozathon · 01/09/2010 00:10

I think you sound like you've been quite patient and tried to understand. In your own words, you've had enough.

Separation would be my amateur recommendation for you right now; I think you need space and time to work out if you are ever going to want your DH near you. You are absolutely right, it shouldn't be putting up with it, it should be actuial desire - you deserve that feeling as much as he does.

Have you talked together about how the threesome made you feel, or have you felt that you needed to bottle it up? You are in the absolute majority of women for finding it distasteful and I am Angry for you that he made you feel that you had to go along with it. You seem to put his feelings above yours, and if he did that for you he would never have pressured you into a threesome.

ChaoticAngel · 01/09/2010 00:10

I'm not interested in winning an argument but a lot of the thread has centred around how much sex he's been/not been getting.

Op, Snoozathon is right, this probably is better off in relationships. You'll get some good advice there. I'm not sure my brand of advice in this situation would do you any good. However, if you do post on relationships I'm willing to read and support you in whatever you decide to do if that's what you want, a bit of metaphorical hand holding if you like.

snoozathon · 01/09/2010 00:12

Sorry Chaotic i've had too much Merlot and am feeling v upset for this OP, I've read so many threads recently where people get into their own academic debates (I've ben guilty of it too).

x

Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 00:12

Floweryblue, 'experimenting' isnt the problem, i was happy to go along with it in the hope that it might 'spice up' our sex life. I am not resentful of something i agreed to, i could have said no. I am trying to show that i have made every effort in the 'meeting halfway'

But the underling problem has never been 'spicing it up', it has been the sulking that he does, if sex is not on offer as and when he feels fit.

I refuse to have sex with a selfish, sulking fucking big baby! and if he doesnt like it he go and take a running fucking jump!

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 01/09/2010 00:13

I doubt very much there is anything wrong with your libido, OP. My XP would be similar to this, and I thought my libido was low. Left in the end and was just glad not to have the pestering any more - still had no libido. Then I met someone else and my libido went through the roof - like literally higher than it had ever been with anyone else.

I'm now pretty much single again (it's complicated, as they say on facebook) and my libido is not nonexistant, but it's still low. I've realised that I just don't really have a desire to have sex with anyone unless there is someone around who I actually feel attracted to. Sulking as a trait is NOT attractive. If I feel anything less than secure and cared for in a relationship, I don't feel like sex, simple as. And I am never, ever having sex again when I don't feel like it. I've done that, I've had enough of it, quite frankly. Over a long period, it's soul-destroying. Sex should be enjoyable for EVERYONE involved. I am shocked and sad to hear that you were convinced to have a threesome against your ultimate wishes. It wasn't the end of the world? :( Did you feel upset by it at all? If you did, how can anyone sit back and say it was okay?

I'd be very interested to know what the counsellor said to him when he had the session with her alone.

NOBODY should ever be coerced into sex they don't want to have. There is a big difference between suggesting something and perhaps cajoling a little, or from the other side doing it for the sake of the other partner if you're not particularly in the mood, but know you'll enjoy it once it gets going.

Another thing entirely to coerce somebody into having sex by making life difficult for them if they don't comply with your wishes. What if he was threatening her? It's not that far off. In fact he is indirectly threatening her: Have sex with me, or I'll sulk and be generally irritating and depressing until you give in. Not the most serious of threats, I'll grant you, but still unacceptable, yes?

And SallyInSwitzerland, FFS, of course having sex isn't the same as your husband putting some washing on and cooking when he doesn't feel like it! How can you NOT see the difference?

DinahRod · 01/09/2010 00:16

I wonder if MNers seeing your update will reevaluate?

I gave advice about kick-starting the romance in your relationship but I no longer think that is appropriate, since this is not a matter of your relationship going stale but your hb being vile. You have made all the accommodation, probably at cost to your own self worth, and he blames you?? He has no idea how to turn you on and he sounds a bit of a dud; doubt very much he'll be self-aware or man enough to change.

ccpccp · 01/09/2010 00:22

Well that blew my theories out of the water.

Whats he like as a husband the rest of the time, OP?

bedlambeast · 01/09/2010 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
notsue · 01/09/2010 00:24

I seem to be coming across as a shy wallflower!

When we did have sex, it rocks!

I am open minded, not straight laced, if that helps.

But i will not be bullied into having sex because if i dont, that person will not talk to me and generally try to make my life shit!

OP posts:
ccpccp · 01/09/2010 00:25

Hindsight is a wonderful thing Bedlambeast.

franklampoon · 01/09/2010 00:26

Dinah is right. he seems to have no concept of turning you on.

Sulking is SUCH a bloody turn off. WHy can't he see that?

If you were in the early stages of a relationship this would be quite ridiculous and counterproductive behaviour on his part. Can you make him see that?

So just because you are married does he now own your body?