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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sex life problems

262 replies

notsue · 31/08/2010 12:22

Have name changed for this, will try to give as much info as i can.

DP and I have been together for about 11 years, have kids etc and our sex life is particularly non existence and has got progressively worst.

Problem is dp 'sulks' when he doesnt get sex as and when he wants it. He will go a lot, not talk to me, make snide remarks about me being frigid, stop helping out etc, etc.

We have tried discussing it, but always reach stale mate. I tell him its not acceptable to carry on like a spoilt child when he doesnt get what he wants and that i find the sulking unbearable. I refuse to be 'sulked' into having sex with him.

I ask him to stop sulking, he says "well have sex with me then"

He says he is not sulking and goes out a lot because "whats the point of staying home, if no sex is on offer"

He refuses to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable and that i am the one being unreasonable for not having sex with him.

He says i have a problem with sex and need to sort it out and that he doesnt sulk, only i view it like this because i have a problem with sex.

Have to go out in a minute, but will be back later and will show him this thread with other opinions on his behaviour or mine as the case may be.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 31/08/2010 12:23

Why don't you want to have sex with him (generally, I mean, not just when he's sulking)?

TheShriekingHarpy · 31/08/2010 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
notsue · 31/08/2010 12:29

Thats the problem the sulking never stops. If i dont want sex, have a period, whatever, not matter what the reason, he sulks, so it has now turned into a vicious circle.

We used to have sex regularly, then if for whatever reason i didnt want sex, he would sulk, its been going on for years now and our sex life has got progressively worst.

OP posts:
TheShriekingHarpy · 31/08/2010 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
notsue · 31/08/2010 12:34

It started when i was pregnant and couldnt have sex for medical reasons, up until then we had sex regularly and his sulking was never a problem. He had no reason to sulk.

Since then it has been downhill, he sulks, i dont want sex, he sulks even more, i dont want sex even more.

I saying he needs to stop sulking, he is saying i need to have sex with him.

Obviously a sexless relationship is no good for anyone, but i dont want to sex with him while he continues to sulk.

Vicious circle that i think needs to stop with him, not by me giving in to his sulking.

OP posts:
sorrento56 · 31/08/2010 12:37

He sounds lovely Hmm.

Have you explained to him that if he acted like a decent human being then you might be more keen to have sex with him but while he is acting like a dick you don't want his anywhere near him?

You deserve better.

Original poster
notsue · 31/08/2010 12:38

Should add we have called a 'truce' many times ie we both agree to do both at the same time. but it always ends up with him sulking if he doesnt get sex as and when he wants it again.

OP posts:
jumpforjoy · 31/08/2010 12:38

Hi NOTSUE, I my ex DH was exactly the same. I felt why should I have sex with him when he was sulking, not talking to me, go out all the time, what sort of relationship did we have??

Eventually we split.

After a few years on my own, as ex DH had stripped me of all self confidence in the relationship department, I eventually met this wonderful man who has made me feel beautiful inside and out.

We have fantastic sex, he is the most thoughtful man I have ever met, and really wants to please me in bed as well as himself.

I'm not sure if this will help, but I just wanted you to know I have been where you are, and there is the possiblity of a wonderful sexlife life out there for you.

Good luck

diddl · 31/08/2010 12:39

Perhaps if he was loving & affectionate & even respectful, you might feel like having sex with him!

Original poster
notsue · 31/08/2010 12:40

Have to go out, will check back later.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsue · 31/08/2010 12:41

Exactly, diddl thats how i feel. He is saying i make him feel exactly the same way unloved, by not having sex with him etc, etc.

Really must go

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 31/08/2010 12:48

Because sulking is such a turn on Hmm

so message to notsues dp - its not attractive, or in the least bit of a turn on, in fact its probably one of the biggest turn offs, stop behaving like a spoilt child!

why dont you try having romantic meals after the kids are in bed, and try getting in the mood that way.

Saira123 · 31/08/2010 12:50

I think notsue you basically need to sit back at look at the bigger picture. He obviously loves you so wants to express it in his "man way" by wanting to have sex with you. So thats a good thing. By you saying no to his advances means you maybe making him feel a bit rejected. So hence he sulks about it.

I sense its not about you wanting to have or not have sex its more a battle about who will give in you or him.

If he stops asking for sex will that make you happier?? probably not. You may start suspecting that hes going else where which will lead to more issues.

Its understandable being a woman having kids, periods etc does change you. You will not always be up for it.

But like you say its a vicious circle so both of you need to break it together.

Maybe if you encourage him to be more romantic towards you that will help you be more inclined towards him. Both of you need to take time out for yourselves leave the kids behind, go on a date, rekindle the fire etc etc. Its so important to give time to your relationship time.

These are just suggestions hope it goes well.

diddl · 31/08/2010 13:09

It seems to be a male idea of sex=love.

But tbh, I think that saying you´re not having sex therefore don´t love him is a horrible, manipulative almost bullying thing to do.

Is he open to anything something other than full on sex sometimes?

ccpccp · 31/08/2010 13:11

You've stopped having sex with him.

Then he sulks.

Sorry - but it sounds like you are using the sulking as an excuse for a low libido.

The problem is yours, though he isnt helping.

You'd ignore the sulking if you were still interested sexually, and freely admit that there would probably be no sulking anyway.

Its not fair to get into a marriage and then expect the other partner to go without sex, unless that was the way the relationship worked BEFORE marriage.

So I'm afraid you just need to lie back and think of England till your libido returns.

(maybe a visit to the doctors?)

diddl · 31/08/2010 13:16

"So I'm afraid you just need to lie back and think of England till your libido returns."

Jesus, my husband would rather do without than shag something with gritted teeth counting the time until it´s over.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 31/08/2010 13:17

I'm afraid I agree (partly) with ccpccp, if you were interested in him sexually you would not necessarily be put off by the sulking :(...

I accept though that sulking is not a huge turn on! However if it's become a matter of who gives in first, why don't you just give up on this one thing & give in first, start having sex with him more regularly, and see if that helps with the sulking? If it doesn't help & he keeps on sulking, then at least you know exactly what problem you have on your hands.

ChippingIn · 31/08/2010 13:20

Ccpccp are you on a mission to see how many threads you can stir the shit on? You are so full of crap.c

NotSue - it's no wonder you don't want to have sex with him. How revolting to say he's going out because 'sex isn't on offer' you're not a sex worker! If he wants you to want to have sex with him, then he needs to have a good think about his attitude to you - 24/7 and be someone who you would want to have sex with.

Do you think he loves you?
Do you love him?

epicfail · 31/08/2010 13:30

God men are tossers. I mean really - we gals just cant wait to jump the bones of a snivelling sooky-la-la, can we eh?

Yep, nothing like a big old sulk to get your Mrs in the mood.

Idiot.

Snobear4000 · 31/08/2010 13:31

Lie back and think of England? Crikey. Try lying back and thinking of Xavier the milkman. That'll get the juices flowing.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 31/08/2010 13:36

Well obviously lying back & thinking of England is ridiculous & very wrong on so many levels.

However, it's not clear to me what notsue's feelings towards her DH are? Also, if he sulks & she doesn't want to have sex with him, one of the two has to stop doing this in order for things to get moving, is that right? Well if notsue's DH can't seem to stop sulking, maybe if she's in the mood & initiates sex a bit more often then that might help with the sulking too?

But I do realise that sulking is really very annoying to have around you all the time... :(

Oblomov · 31/08/2010 13:38

I am intrigued as to why the Op does not want to have sex. I know the sulking doesn't help, but what is the underlying issue.

I have zero libido. Just not interested. never really have been, to be honest, but have always had sex. its been ages currently. no real reason. can't be bothered. love dh and he is lovely, not sulky. love giving him bj's. just can't be bothered to actually have sex. we we occassionally do, i think, ' this is pleasureable, i really should make an effort to do this more often'. and then i just don't. ashamed to admit its probably just laziness. poor do really.

so, op, when you get back, what, other than the sulking, is the problem here ?

diddl · 31/08/2010 13:56

Well of course it is possible that OP is using the sulking as an excuse.

But he also goes out because sex isn´t on offer-doesn´t sound very mature!

ccpccp · 31/08/2010 13:59

Thats probably the best bit of advice on here snowbear :)

To other posters - my point is that OPs H has needs as does she. If this were a short term thing then OP is right to hold off till she wants it herself. But it sounds like a longterm thing to me.

How long must her husband wait till its unfair?

I very much doubt he feels good about sulking like a little boy. OP doesnt say, but maybe hes tried many things to get the situation back on track again, with little or no result. Sulking is all he has left.

Ocasionally thinking of England is a small price to pay to keep a marriage together.

bumpybecky · 31/08/2010 14:01

after you call a truce how long is it before you stop having sex and he starts sulking?

cos if it's the next day it's his problem
if he leaves it three months, then sorry it's your low libido at fault

either way YANBU to not want sex with a sulky husband