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AIBU?

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Original poster

sex life problems

262 replies

notsue · 31/08/2010 12:22

Have name changed for this, will try to give as much info as i can.

DP and I have been together for about 11 years, have kids etc and our sex life is particularly non existence and has got progressively worst.

Problem is dp 'sulks' when he doesnt get sex as and when he wants it. He will go a lot, not talk to me, make snide remarks about me being frigid, stop helping out etc, etc.

We have tried discussing it, but always reach stale mate. I tell him its not acceptable to carry on like a spoilt child when he doesnt get what he wants and that i find the sulking unbearable. I refuse to be 'sulked' into having sex with him.

I ask him to stop sulking, he says "well have sex with me then"

He says he is not sulking and goes out a lot because "whats the point of staying home, if no sex is on offer"

He refuses to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable and that i am the one being unreasonable for not having sex with him.

He says i have a problem with sex and need to sort it out and that he doesnt sulk, only i view it like this because i have a problem with sex.

Have to go out in a minute, but will be back later and will show him this thread with other opinions on his behaviour or mine as the case may be.

OP posts:
dignified · 31/08/2010 20:58

I cant imagine wanting a man like this near me under any circumstances. It doesnt sound like this is recent, op said it started during pregnancy and that he sulks if shes having her period ect. Must be awful for you op.

It sounds like when he got married he thought he would have sex on tap , and op is paying now that shes objecting to being treated like this. If someone sulked at me even once about sex id be out of the door.

I still find it odd that people are questioning the op in terms of effort, initiation, libido when shes already said that his sulking is causing it. Im struggling with the idea that wives owe their husbands sex regardless of their behaviour, im sure shes not the only woman to object to being treated like a blow up doll.

thesecondcoming · 31/08/2010 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SallyinSwitzerland · 31/08/2010 21:15

"A more sympathetic response"? Sometimes more harm is done by people whittering on with the "ah bless you what a total bastard response" or the "THIS IS ABUSE!!! LEAVE HIM AT ONCE!" response.

OP probably has kids and probably doesnt want her marriage to end.

My DH has come home from work, cooked, put the kids to bed, taken the rubbish out and done several loads of washing tonight. I doubt very much that he wanted to, but he did because he loves me. We all do things we don't want to do for the sake of our relationships.

DinahRod · 31/08/2010 21:24

To Notsue and her dh - as everyone says, sulking/pressure to have sex is no aphrodisiac - in fact it's guaranteed to dry up the juices. But just not sulking and to expect suddenly to get jiggy isn't going to work either. So how about forgetting who's right in this argument and experimenting to find a solution?

Can I ask if you are affectionate with each other? Cuddle/ pat bottoms/ hold hands/ sideways glances / neck rubs ...etc. I'm guessing not; and not being critical, it's easy to let that part of a relationship slide when you're busy/have kids/tired etc. It might feel a bit forced at first if you've lost that part of your relationship but you need to get back into the habit of touching and cuddling, imo without the expectation of sex.

Going to bed with each other should not be just dh ejaculating inside to ease his frustration. Being teasing, gentle and playful, giving each other pleasure in other ways is intensely sexy in itself (e.g. mutual nude back/leg rub). No blame if it goes nowhere, just affection, endearments and cuddles.

SallyinSwitzerland · 31/08/2010 21:26

And Notsue (if you're still reading this) I typed that not as some rabid sex crazed nymph but as a woman who is also tired. Not to mention irritated by her dh, irritated and frustrated by life in general and a pissed off with the world. I would be very happy not to have sex at the moment. In fact I haven't now for 8 days. Luckily dh has sloped off to bed tired himself. Nothing will change tommorow but I'll be shagging tommorow complete with extra filthy talk faked orgasms and lots of writhing.

If I don't then I know dh will start to worry that I don't love/fancy him anymore and if I let that situation fester for too long then fuck knows what state we'll be in.

Suck it up girl

dignified · 31/08/2010 21:27

Unless ive read it wrong it seems shes very clear about whats causing her lack of libido, her dp sulking and trying to manipulate her is causing it.

Im still horrified by a man who will willingly climb on top of someone and have sex with them when they dont want to. I think thats horrible.

SallyinSwitzerland · 31/08/2010 21:28

Someone needs to link this thread to the feminism/womens rights forum. I could do with a ruck, i'm in a stinking mood.

Morloth · 31/08/2010 21:32

Why would a man have sex with someone who didn't actually want to? Why would you do that to someone you claim to love?

Yes, they need to sort this out, but that shouldn't be by OP just giving her husband use of her body.

thesecondcoming · 31/08/2010 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dignified · 31/08/2010 21:38

Well there you have it op, get some contraceptive so that you dont have periods , this will stop him sulking about them and be willing to be fucked whenever he feels like it. And dont forget the fake orgasms too.

Minxie1977 · 31/08/2010 21:39

Why would anyone not want sex with their husband? Genuine question! Ok you may not feel horny or rampant, but sex is nice, even if you're tired or not in the mood anyway. OP said things had not been good & he sulked - I take that to mean there's more to this than just his deely unattractive sulking and verbal abuse!

dignified · 31/08/2010 21:39

I think she said shed be back later.

SallyinSwitzerland · 31/08/2010 21:40

My best guess is that some of them are programmed to believe that women have a different sex drive anyway and so that's how it it/how it goes;

more of them think that once they get started women will suddenly realise that "yes!" they were horny after all but just didn't realise it

even more believe that they are so proficient at sex that a woman will soon be overcome by lust once they get started.

I think the crux of the matter is that men can go from zero to horny in 5secs. They don't understand that women are not like this.

They just dont understand that even if the most mindblowing oral sex in the history of the world ever is being applied to a woman for 2hrs straight it STILL is unpleasant for the woman if that woman is tired/unhappy/angry/sad.

A mans process of arousal is just very very different. They don't get it.

SallyinSwitzerland · 31/08/2010 21:41

that was to Morloth

Morloth · 31/08/2010 21:41

Do you people have daughters? Really? You would be fine with your daughter being pressured into sex that she doesn't want just to please someone? Really?

Morloth · 31/08/2010 21:43

Well then they should fucking get it, amazingly my DH whilst being a simple man who is easily confused and just an animal really (which is what is implied in your post) is able to understand that my body belongs to me and me alone and he does not have access rights due to the ring on my finger.

Unfuckingbelievable.

dignified · 31/08/2010 21:43

Maybe hes shit at it and just uses her to get himself off. The fact he would willingly have sex with her when she doesnt want to doesnt make him sound like the most sensitive thoughfull lover.

Minxie1977 · 31/08/2010 21:44

Not being pressured into sex, no - having sex with her husband who she loves, yes!

My sexual process must be more manly then Hmm Blush - just illustrates why this is such an emotive issue for some

DinahRod · 31/08/2010 21:46

Hold on, if a man verbally abuses you and sulks, the last thing you want to do is have sex with them! It then becomes just him easing his sexual frustration and blow up dolls can do that.

Notsue's hb and her have become remote from each other and need romance/tenderness if the rampant sex is to follow.

Morloth · 31/08/2010 21:47

If she doesn't want to have sex and he is using it as a stick to beat her with (i.e. what is the point in staying home) then it is pressure to have sex.

Do you know, I am starting to wonder whether the radical feminists I have heard lately are correct in their assertions that we are now going backwards. Thank God I don't have daughters.

ShadeofViolet · 31/08/2010 21:49

I agree with Morloth, and I cant believe some of the attitudes on this thread.

Why the fuck should the OP be pressurised into sex by her husband, who is acting like a sulky bloody toddler just because he has an itch he needs to scratch?

I dont remember the 'I promise to give you sex whenever you want' part of the marriage vows.

SallyinSwitzerland · 31/08/2010 21:50

Morloth, I have 3 daughters. I know that at some point in they may get married to someone they love (and fancy) and have their own children. I expect that after they have children their libidos will drop even though they love their husbands(as do many women).

I will say to them, as I have said to the OP. A longterm sexually charged relationhip spanning decades is unrealistic. So either a) they throw their marriage in the bin or b) if they want to preserve the marriage and family then they do everything possible to re-ignite their sexual relationship with their husband while also accepting that they may not actually always be up for having sex

Such is life.

My granny was married 80yrs. She was at it like a rabbit. I have no doubt she'd rather have been watching Terry Wogan.

You cant have your cake and eat it

ShesEverSoFamous · 31/08/2010 21:51

I don't really understand, I may be having one of my moments.
OP, you don't want to have sex with your DP because his sulking is a turn off? Ok, but for him to start sulking you are turning him down as soon as he indicates wanting to have sex?
Every woman should have the choice to have sex or not of course and you shouldn't need to explain your reasons for not wanting to to him. How often would he like to have sex? How often are you turning him down? I know I am not the first to ask this.
Is it just me who doesn't get it?

ShadeofViolet · 31/08/2010 21:52

Times have bloody changed from when your Granny was young though Sally - women are no longer possessions for men to what they want with. Are you happy that she felt it was her duty to give in to you Grandad every time he felt like it?

Minxie1977 · 31/08/2010 21:56

I consider myself a feminist. I think OP's DH is acting like an arse of the first order and that should be addressed first and foremost. I also think if you are in an intimate adult relationship some compromise about sex needs to be made if one of you decides to withdraw sex. What do you suggest he does for sex? Noone has answered that yet! If he has sex elsewhere he's be vilified (rightly), does he just put up till OP decides she wants sex. That's a 'sex is power' debate of its own! I maintain that if my DH said 'no more sex' our relationship would end (probably after much sulking) - not because I am abusive but as I want to have sex and I would miss it.

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