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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sex life problems

262 replies

notsue · 31/08/2010 12:22

Have name changed for this, will try to give as much info as i can.

DP and I have been together for about 11 years, have kids etc and our sex life is particularly non existence and has got progressively worst.

Problem is dp 'sulks' when he doesnt get sex as and when he wants it. He will go a lot, not talk to me, make snide remarks about me being frigid, stop helping out etc, etc.

We have tried discussing it, but always reach stale mate. I tell him its not acceptable to carry on like a spoilt child when he doesnt get what he wants and that i find the sulking unbearable. I refuse to be 'sulked' into having sex with him.

I ask him to stop sulking, he says "well have sex with me then"

He says he is not sulking and goes out a lot because "whats the point of staying home, if no sex is on offer"

He refuses to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable and that i am the one being unreasonable for not having sex with him.

He says i have a problem with sex and need to sort it out and that he doesnt sulk, only i view it like this because i have a problem with sex.

Have to go out in a minute, but will be back later and will show him this thread with other opinions on his behaviour or mine as the case may be.

OP posts:
mummysgoingmad · 31/08/2010 16:26

but we dont know who how fequently they have sex. If its once every couple of months i think i would be sulking too! As i have already said the comments about going out are not on.

sorrento56 · 31/08/2010 16:32

I have been known to sulk when I have wanted sex and Dh hasn't. I sulk for about 5 minutes and then we have a cuddle and talk about it.

Morloth · 31/08/2010 16:33

Fucking hell you shouldn't have sex with anyone if you don't want to. What sort of man would want to have sex with an unwilling/unhappy partner? Yuck.

Tell him to man the hell up, be attractive (in actions etc) and maybe then you would be interested.

BettySuarez · 31/08/2010 16:37

I am attracted to my DP sexually (most of the time anyway) and so we have a reasonably healthy sex life. But the sulking behaviour you describe would just be a complete massive turn off for me. Urgh!

There does seem to be some underlying issue here that need to be addressed but your DP really needs to 'man up' and do what he can to support you in the hope that you can turn things around.

If my DH behaves in a way that is even a tiny bit immature or sulky, I feel an urge to wack a shovel over his head Grin Huge HUGE turn off!

jumpforjoy · 31/08/2010 16:53

I agree with Morloth, you shouldn't be forced into sex with anyone you don't want to.

The DP is causing emotional abuse, chipping away at OP's self esteem, that it's all her fault cos she won't have sex with him.

They need to go to relate to sort out all their problems and analyse the bigger picture.

Minxie1977 · 31/08/2010 18:05

I agree with jump - talk about it properly and come to a solution.

If you enter into a marriage based on mutual likes - DH & I like having sex - it's unfair for one partner to then say 'I don't like that any more, deal with it'. OP's husband is acting badly and that should be addressed above all other things as he should never treat her that way. However, their sex life also needs to be addressed.

If OP doesn't really want sex & DH does, what is the solution? TBH if sex was removed from my relationship I would be unhappy. It's important to me and I could not go on forever without it. I would expect DH and I to come to some agreement or we would split.

ShadeofViolet · 31/08/2010 18:17

So I'm afraid you just need to lie back and think of England till your libido returns.

I dont think I have ever read such crap in my life.

musicmadness · 31/08/2010 18:17

I'm thinking its possible you need relationship counselling TBH. He is behaving like an arse and I can't believe that he would even want to have sex if he knew you weren't interested, but if this has been going on months then there is clearly an underlying problem. How often are you having sex with him? If its only every couple of months i can understand him feeling rejected and annoyed, if its every week he needs to suck it up. I would not suggest sleeping with him if you really don't want to but there clearly needs to be an open and frank discussion (and compromise) about this as it is causing problems in your relationship.

ccpccp · 31/08/2010 18:29

You're not the only poster to knee-jerk off that one Shade.

Read a bit further down and there is a better explaination of what I meant.

ShadeofViolet · 31/08/2010 18:32

I read that too - it was almost as crap as the rest of what you posted.

Do you live in the 1950's?

dignified · 31/08/2010 18:40

" Sulking is all he has left ". What a stupid thing to say, your opinio of men in general must be very low.

And as for a trip to the docters, equally stupid thing to say, but you know what, maybe she should , and maybe she should take her DP with her and explain again what shes said here, that she doesnt want sex with him because he sulks , manipulates her, calls her names and blackmails her.

Op do you think your dp would be comfortable openly discussing this in front of your gp ?

ccpccp · 31/08/2010 18:49

I think you might have taken one part of a string of sentences there Dignified, and twisted it to suit your post.

Read the OP again before you make it all about the husband.

People regularly go to their GPs with libido problems. Its not an unusual suggestion, and one made by a lot of other posters I will add.

At least your trying though. 1950s? ha ha.

dignified · 31/08/2010 19:02

Ive read the op several times thanks , and i still dont think its ok for a man to manipulate his wife into having sex with him when she doesnt want to . I cant imagine anything worse than having sex when you really dont want to, arent turned on and arent lubricated.

The op states clearly she doesnt want sex due to his sulking and other behaviours , i dont blame her and i think thats a normal reaction. But even if there IS an underlying reason for no libido, dont normal men be supportive of that and find other ways to show affection ? It really isnt all about him and his nob , can he not wank ?

If the op was to do as suggested, and have sex with him regardless , what damage do you think that will do to her self respect and her marriage in the long term ? How would she possibley ever respect a man who climbs on top of her and has sex with her KNOWING she doesnt want to ? Theres something terribly wrong with that suggestion.

Agree with the gp suggestion though , i think this should be discussed openly , id like to hear if the dp is comfortable with doing that , but i doubt he will.

SallyinSwitzerland · 31/08/2010 19:07

Testosterone patches for you and a negotiation of a more equal share in house/childcare duties.

Marriage will fail if his self confidence continues to get a kicking

Simples

Havingkittens · 31/08/2010 19:15

I think OP has needs too. To feel that her husband loves her and wants to spend time with her even if sex isn't on offer. Perhaps, if instead of sulking, he tried to woo her a little more or at least did something to give her the impression that he is attracted to more than just her body for his own ends then she may be more inclined to have sex with him.

I think if I were in your shoes notsue I would react in a similar way. ccpccp's suggestion of needing to see a doctor is rude and ignorant in my opinion. Going back to the dawn of time, men are compelled to 'spread their seed' which means that even after an argument they would probably quite happily have sex with the woman they have just argued with as their inbuilt motivation is different. Women, however are generally predisposed to a more emotional stance. I don't think it matters how gorgeous and sexually attractive a man is, if he is being an arse then the motivation to have sex with them is definitely going to be chipped away.

It's unfortunate that you seem to have reached a stand off. It sounds like you need to have a good heart to heart and let your husband know that if he wants to resuscitate your sex life then he needs to listen to you properly and behave accordingly, not act like a child. They say it takes two to tango, that doesn't just mean you giving in and "thinking of england" it also means him giving a little too. It sounds like you both need to compromise a bit otherwise nothing will improve.

jumpforjoy · 31/08/2010 19:24

Sally i agree with your first statement, but did you mean 'his self confidence'
What about OP's when he is contiunually sulking like a child?

TitsalinaBumSquash · 31/08/2010 19:32

Why is his self confidence getting a kicking?!

Why can some men and women not understand that sometimes people go through periods where they for whatever reason have a low libido? How is that difficult?
She isn't saying she doesn't love him anymore or that he is crap in bed or she doesn't find him attractive or whatever, she is saying that actually she doesn't feel like Sex right now, she isn't saying forever.
Why is it so difficult for him to accept that and wait (and wank) and support her until she works out whatever it is that is making her libido drag?

Just because she is not dropping her kickers at his every advance she is getting told she is knocking his confidence and ignoring his needs.... what utter shit.

jumpforjoy · 31/08/2010 19:39

Bravo...Well said

thesecondcoming · 31/08/2010 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BubbaAndBump · 31/08/2010 19:50

OP do you ever initiate sex? Or is it always him asking, and you either agreeing or not?

SallyinSwitzerland · 31/08/2010 20:06

Why is his self confidence getting a kicking? I thought that was obvious. Erm...men have feelings too and want to be loved for starters

BrandyAlexander · 31/08/2010 20:16

Notsue, I don't think the question here, is which one of you is being unreasonable, but more what are you going to do about it. This situation can't continue forever, so the question of which one of you is being unreasonable is rather irrelevant compared to working out a solution (e.g. counselling) before things get much works.

jumpforjoy · 31/08/2010 20:26

Imagine being exhausted from work, looking after DC's unpaid housekeeper (we've all been there) and you DP arrives home. You need a little comfort so give him a hug and a snog.

This is all the come on he needs...Thinks Sex is on the cards. She only wanted some comfort and declines sex. He goes out, cos whats the point in stayin in if sex isn't on offer.

Poor OP even more knackered because she is home alone once more.

Perhaps DP needs to arrange for them both to go out. Maybe if they play at dating again the libido Hmm

jumpforjoy · 31/08/2010 20:27

The libido may come backHmm

BertieBotts · 31/08/2010 20:46

OP, I think you would get more sympathetic responses if you posted in Relationships rather than AIBU.

FWIW my take on this is that your DH is being disrespectful and immature. You say that this happens EVERY time - so what, he expects sex at his beck and call? This is not a simple matter of wife having lower libido than husband, husband feels rejected and wife feels got at - this is much bigger.

Why does your husband seem to feel he has an automatic right to have sex with you whenever he wants to, regardless of when you are in the mood? :(

And, lastly, a marriage "failing" (horrible word to use!) isn't the end of the world. It's much worse to be married to someone you don't actually like, than to be divorced.