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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think large ladies proclaiming themselves 'real women' is offensive to us slim types?

239 replies

madmn52 · 30/08/2010 21:48

I am so sick of hearing some (stand back from the flame throwers!) big ladies being so defensive about their weight that they even try and claim a monopoly on womanliness. I like being slim and much prefer to be - although I have never really been overweight. I am sick of hearing women saying - 'men prefer a real woman' - or ' men prefer curves' - or 'something to grab hold of' etc.etc. As a slim woman - if I were to walk in the office and announce that men prefer a woman like me to a larger woman - because for example, 'they dont like all that excess flesh ' - then all hell would break loose !! Or if I was to dare say that women over a size 14 were not 'real women' - there would be outrage.
So large ladies - if you are happy and satisfied with how you look - fine - no-ones asking you to put yourself down - but please could you stop putting others down in the process !

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 31/08/2010 19:52

Yes that is true Massive, but the difference is most people would think it unacceptable and rude to make a comment to a size 20 women, whereas comments made to a size 8 women are thought by many [as this thread shows] to be acceptable.

horatia · 31/08/2010 19:53

If a fat woman says they're a real woman, it doesn't have to imply that a slim woman isn't real, does it? Obviously some people might mean it that way but not always.

massivehead · 31/08/2010 19:59

That is very true QuickLookBusy

thefirstmrsDeVere · 31/08/2010 19:59

I have a friend who is very slight. She ttc for 2 years and had fertility treatment.

I know of many occassions when people said it was her fault because she was too skinny. Her BMI was within normal ranges btw.

How is that not as crap as saying an overweight woman is at fault for her infertility?

Uber sensitive slimmies?
Over sensitive fat arses?

Both are horrible, dismissive things to say.

I dont think anyone is saying their lives are ruined by these rude remarks, but do they have to like them?

Perhaps its because if you are slim your life is perfect, therefore you shouldnt complain if someone says something rude to you.

Because its well known that to be thin is to live a charmed life Hmm

kittywise · 31/08/2010 20:02

The implication is that they are real because they are fat(ter). But quite frankly I have always, and honestly thought whenever I heard any one say that real women should be plump etc etc that the person saying it was horribly insecure.
I thought they were wrong. It never occurred to me to think less of myself because they felt shit about themselves.

Suda · 31/08/2010 20:08

Horatio - as I have just said the OP is about far more than just this phrase 'real women' used in the media - its about face to face personal bitchy comments directed at slim women by fat women - the sort of overly defensive aggressive comments of which there are plenty of examples on here. The point is its fine to say - Im happy with myself - but not fine to say I'm happy with myself because I think you are inferior. ! So by saying YABU and then qualifying it with 'the comments are in response to the predjudice fat women encounter' then you are condoning all of above.

horatia · 31/08/2010 20:10

Nearly all modelling campaigns use very slim women with androgynous figures, and these do not represent most women.

"Real women" is a useful shorthand for the rest of us who are not models, because an airbrushed model is not "real" by the time she is on a magazine cover, and may even have a figure which is physically impossible.

thefirstmrsDeVere · 31/08/2010 20:29

Suda I agree with most of your post. But I find that its not always 'fat' women who are bitchy. Often it can be women that think they are fat. Someone who maybe a size or two bigger than they want to be.

Although I did have one 'friend' who was quite big (and very unhappy about it) who mentioned my weight every single time we met. I NEVER once mentioned hers and wouldnt have dreamt of doing so.

'OMG are you ok? You look like you have lost even more weight' etc etc.

I am really quite shocked that anyone on here thinks its acceptable to be rude about a woman because of how much she weighs.

Big women do encounter horrible predjudice. How can that make it ok for them to be rude to others? Unless the thin woman they are being rude to has been horrible to her. Insulting random thin women is weird. We dont all know each other you know, we are not all related.

Suda · 31/08/2010 20:36

Yes Horatio I agree - but I still dont think the OP is really about the fashion industrys impossible role models and the surrounding media - 'real women' campaigns etc etc. I really think its more about personal insults / put downs from big women in the name of defending themselves - to slim women in the workplace etc. and is that acceptable.

Suda · 31/08/2010 20:47

Yes firstmrsD - I agree. I also cant believe that several people on this thread are using the excuse that big women get more or worse abuse - so we should let them off with the odd snipe at a random thin woman - they've earned it.Confused
What's that about?

hmc · 31/08/2010 20:52

I think you have all gone off on a massive carb deprived tangent! Wink

The OP was about, and I quote: "large ladies proclaiming themselves 'real women' is offensive to us slim types" - and I maintain that if this bothers you then you are, as I said, uber sensitive and should really really get over yourself!

Thing is the thread has side tracked from the original premise, to encompass personal examples of slim women encountering rudeness and hostility, judgement, and pejorative remarks about their shape - which is obviously unacceptable, and a different matter entirely. It is personalised for a start! - which the 'real women' tag line isn't, its more a rousing clarion call to end fat oppression (got carried away there). Incidentally - who are these people you associate with? most of my relationships with other women in RL seem a lot less fraught than some of yours - just lucky I guess!

Suda · 31/08/2010 21:56

lol at carb - deprived tangent - so funny.

I will get some carbs down me after this I promise but sorry I am still having hallucinations that the OP ( on reading the whole post and not just the title heading ) was talking about day to day personal attacks etc. cos it says from the women themselves - Oh just read the bloody thing - just humour me ? please !

Off for my medicationcarb fuelled supper now hmc.

Ooh look Hobknobs -the marines of the dunking biscuit - marvellous Grin. I should only have one but the voices are telling me 'eat us all'Confused

thefirstmrsDeVere · 31/08/2010 22:03

I eat lots of carbs. They are my favourite Smile

We dont all deprive ourselves yknow.

I dont like the phrase 'real women' however its couched. I would think it bollocks if it was said by a size 6 with 32FFs.

Doesnt make me a delicate little flower.

Suda · 31/08/2010 22:43

Eat me - dont leave me alone in the dark

( from biscuit tin )

xstitch · 01/09/2010 12:15

The only thing I have said top someone along the real woman lines is: ' I am still a human being you know, being a fat b**ch doesn't mean I have no feelings'

This was in no way intended to suggest that anyone else wasn't a human being or real, far from it. I can honestly say I have never said to a thin person that they should eat more or told them they are too slim. It is my hard work at trying to avoid insulting others that makes me think I have the right not be insulted by them not the fact I am fat.

Rockbird · 01/09/2010 12:31

"most people would think it unacceptable and rude to make a comment to a size 20 women"

I have to disagree with that. I was walking along minding my own business one time and someone called out 'fat piece of shit' to me. I was probably an 18-20 then. How many people have called you a thin piece of shit?

I didn't want to post on this thread as it's not asking for competitive suffering and I don't want to turn it into that. But as an overweight person I have to tell you that most people wouldn't think it unacceptable to comment on my size. I would never ever in a million years comment on someone else's size. But read MilkNoSugar's thread. While I absolutely totally agree that no one should comment on anyone's body shape, her thread might go some way to explaining why people get so defensive.

Ariesgirl · 01/09/2010 12:53

I haven't read the whole thread (I've reached page 4). I wodner though if Armi and hmc could tell me if they think it's ok for a fat real woman to say to me "You're a bag of bones you are." Or "You're very skinny aren't you. Are you one of those anorexics?" Or "Tell me why X fancies you and not me. It's not even like you've got any boobs." (this last when I was a student)

My answers to the first two were mature, polite and non-committal. My answer to the third, which was when I was 20 and had a bit less self control, was to shout "Fuck off lard arse!", which I'm not proud of. But it was justified I think.

Yes, any rude remarks to someone about their shape and size are upsetting. Yes, anyone with a vagina is a real woman (though this opens up a new can of hurtful, offensive worms to people who are inter-sex and don't have vaginas) Twas always thus, and always thus shall be.

hmc · 01/09/2010 19:02

I think I have already answered that particular question before you answered it in my post of 20.52 yesterday Hmm

hmc · 01/09/2010 19:02

Before you 'asked' it

hmc · 01/09/2010 19:06

Which thread by MilkNoSugar Rockbird? Please could you link to it?

Ariesgirl · 01/09/2010 19:07

Oh silly me! I didn't memorize the whole thread!

hmc · 01/09/2010 19:10

Good lord - is the air about rarefied where you are? It's about 5 posts down [thud]

Ariesgirl · 01/09/2010 19:11

Yes I am very thick. As well as being dead skinny.

hmc · 01/09/2010 19:12

Oh dear!

Ariesgirl · 01/09/2010 19:12

To be fair, I did say I'd only got through the first four pages.