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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend is not being unreasonable?

157 replies

TheFruitWhisperer · 27/08/2010 13:02

Shes planning a wedding. On a cruise ship. It sounds great to be be honest, totally her kind of thing.

Trouble is that shes in knots about asking people to go, as she thinks that family and friends wont want to go because of cost/convenience etc. It will probably be around £1400 each to go and have the holiday on the cruise after.

I dont think thats bad, after all its what she wants, would be a group holiday and fab that everyone could be there together, we've all got over 2 years to save for it. But some friends I understand, will probably have to scrimp. And some of her partners family members have said they'd be very upset if the two of them did it without them there.

Shes very worried she'll have crap turn out and upset the fam, and I want some MN back up to say shes not being unreasonable, this is their big day so she can do what she wants and be happy! (Ive also said we can put her back in her wedding dress for an additional party when she gets back, so if anyone did miss out they can see it again!)

Shes surely not being unreasonable, is she?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 27/08/2010 13:04

Yes she can do what she wants
She may have to accept that some of her guests may not be able to come though
I wouldn't be able to even contemplate £1400 per person even with 2 years to save

FerminaUrbinoDaza · 27/08/2010 13:07

I'd hate to be trapped on a ship with loads op people I know whilst trying to have my honeymoon. Sounds hellish. But, each to their own.

If I were her I'd arrange for the wedding to be in one of the ports along the way, do the deed and serenely sail off again. No idea if that's actually practically possible or any cheaper though.

lostFeelings · 27/08/2010 13:08

2 years of saving for a family of 4 is equal to a value of a second hand car
or in other words about £100/month put away regardless of other expenses

'cos you have to include extra clothes/outfits to pay for

if there's a wedding say 100 km away the family would have to pay for a night in a hotel if that...

do guests have to pay for their own meals when they get invited to a wedding?

no

imagine similar story...

I am getting married and booked a private room in Ritz
you are more than welcome to come as long as you pay for your own food and a hotel room there you have to book yourself - would that be unreasonable?

StewieGriffinsMom · 27/08/2010 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shell96 · 27/08/2010 13:10

Of course she is not being unreasonable (assuming her other half is happy with this idea Grin) It's their wedding and the should/can do as they please.

Maybe she could have the actual wedding on shore before/during the cruise as suggested before or else just have a big party when they get back for anyone that couldnt afford/didnt want to go.

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 27/08/2010 13:10

yes she is, if she wants to pull a strop to get her own way and will sulk if others can't or won't pay out ££££ to fit in with her dreams

she has to face the fact that even with 2 yrs warning some will not be able to afford to go,or want to go - finances change, families change (pgs etc)

i could not commit to that sort of thing even for my dearest friend or my sister

she has to work out whats most important to her, having the dream day/holiday she wants, or having the support of family and friends thre to support them and be part of their memories

TBH i cannot think of anything worse than being stuck on honeymoon with a whole bunch of family and friends thre too!!!

Sassybeast · 27/08/2010 13:10

She can certainly do what she wants but she'll have to accept that asking people to pay that amount of money and arrange their holidays to suit her request may be seen as unreasonable by many. Cruising is my idea of holiday hell and i know plenty of other people who feel the same. Is the £1400 for kids as well ? That's an awfully big ask for any family member.

BitOfFun · 27/08/2010 13:11

It is a crazy idea- of course she is being unreasonable. What planet are you on?

paisleyleaf · 27/08/2010 13:11

Of course she can do what she wants.
....I wouldn't go mind you.

She'll have to accept that some people might not want their one holiday to be her wedding cruise - some people have other things they'd rather spend that money on.

Megatron · 27/08/2010 13:11

Sorry but I do think she is BU. Yes, she can't do exactly what she wants. But she has to accept that it may not be everyone's idea of a good time (I'd bloody hate that kind of holiday). It's very expensive and she can't really expect people the save solidly for a couple of years just so they can go to her wedding. Some will, some won't.

paisleyleaf · 27/08/2010 13:12

"will probably have to scrimp"
I wouldn't scrimp for someone else's wedding either.

Original poster
TheFruitWhisperer · 27/08/2010 13:13

Another friend did marry in a hotel quite a way from me. I happily paid for a hotel room, I wouldnt expect her to pay for me.

I mentioned to her about the port thing but apparently its very buerocratic and not really what she wants.

Hmmm... I never saw it as paying for my own food but I guess thats true. I dont really mind that either though, as we are getting a holiday at the same time?

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/08/2010 13:14

I think she is being unreasonable expecting anyone to attend. £1400 per person!!

I think I would actually be quite annoyed if I got an invite to this wedding, you've got to think an awful lot of yourself to think that your friends are going to spend almost £3k per couple attending your wedding.

Megatron · 27/08/2010 13:14

Me neither paisleyleaf, bad enough scrimping for your own never mind someone else's. I think OP's friend will have to accept that by having that kind of wedding she will possible make it impossible for some people to come.

nancydrewrocked · 27/08/2010 13:16

This isn't for real is it?

We have a reasonable holiday budget - the £5,600 that it would cost us a family to go on the trip you describe is about what we spend on our choice of holidays throughout the year but surely you can recognise that for some people that is an unimaginable amount of money - regardless of whether they have two years to scrimp and save?

I mention my budget because even though I could afford it there is no way I would pay anything like that amount of money for a holiday which would by my idea of personal hell. I suspect many of her guests will feel the same.

RonansMummy · 27/08/2010 13:16

You can't make people pay to attend a wedding!!!

A lot of people will feel pressured to go and its really unfair. Isn't it more important to her that she is sharing the day with all the people she cares about? she should do something less fancy and pay for her wedding herself!

what a selfish bridezilla!

Megatron · 27/08/2010 13:16

TheFruitWhisperer, you are assuming that everyone would actually want that kind of holiday, some won't.

TheCrackFox · 27/08/2010 13:19

It is her wedding and she can do what she wants. However, if I was invited I would not go. TBH £5600 is a holiday of a lifetime and would take me years to pay for.

Original poster
TheFruitWhisperer · 27/08/2010 13:20

Ive never actually been on a cruise, but shes sold it to me quite well. And shes thinking of a Med one as its cheaper than a caribbean cruise...

We do normally have group holidays etc, as friends wise we are all a close group. I know her and her DP's family really well too, so I wouldnt mind. I suppose if I didnt, I might think twice too.

Oh dear. Perhaps I wont show her this thread Wink

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 27/08/2010 13:21

Actually, that's true - it's the pressure some people (probably family especially) will feel to go that's really not a nice idea. Those that will go and smile, but really they've "scrimped".
I'd much rather an inclusive wedding and a private honeymoon.

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 27/08/2010 13:22

lets put the money thing into perspective.....

5 of us at £1400 = £7000

DH earns around £45K, and thats a lot more than many I know

we usually spend about £500-7oo twice a year for a family holiday for 5 of us - ok so even with trips out, fuel, and food its probably £2000 - so this friends weding would be the same as 3 yrs worth of holidays!!!

we saved up (by no means "scrimped") for a new kitchen and got it last year = £4K

bathroom refurb this year = £2K

new second hand car soon - saved up for it, budget £7k
do you see how ridiculous the friends idea is now?

or is this gonna be a "no kids" affair, so not only costing guests £££ to come, but also meaning the complications of not seeing their kids/childcare etc

sanielle · 27/08/2010 13:22

SHe is being unreasonable if she expects everyone to come. If she doesn't then she should go and enjoy herself.

Anyone who says they will be upset with her for doing it knowing they cna't come is being very unreasonable

dolcegusto · 27/08/2010 13:22

If I received an invite like this, I wound politely decline, whilst secretly pmsl that someone actually thought I would spend in excess of £3000 on their wedding.

Even if you do get a holiday out of it, I wouldn't fancy a cruise, and still wouldn't spend £3000 on a holiday.

However, your friend is entitled to get married wherever she wants, but needs to accept very few people will be there.

Headbanger · 27/08/2010 13:22

She is not being at all unreasonable: it's her wedding, and she can do what she likes.

However, she has to appreciate that she is ruling out a huge number of people who would have loved to have shared her day, or (which is worse) causing them to sacrifice a great deal of hard-won money that could be better spent on family holidays of their own choosing, or life's essentials.

She is not being unreasonable, but she's being incredibly thoughtless and vulgar, and hasn't really quite understood the point of a wedding - which is for all your loved ones to have a fabulous time sharing in a celebration of love and life.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 27/08/2010 13:24

If she is worried about poor turnout, she should have the wedding at home and then have the honeymoon on the cruise.

There is no way in hell I would pay that price to go to soemone elses wedding. And I hate the idea of a cruise.

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