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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friend is not being unreasonable?

157 replies

TheFruitWhisperer · 27/08/2010 13:02

Shes planning a wedding. On a cruise ship. It sounds great to be be honest, totally her kind of thing.

Trouble is that shes in knots about asking people to go, as she thinks that family and friends wont want to go because of cost/convenience etc. It will probably be around £1400 each to go and have the holiday on the cruise after.

I dont think thats bad, after all its what she wants, would be a group holiday and fab that everyone could be there together, we've all got over 2 years to save for it. But some friends I understand, will probably have to scrimp. And some of her partners family members have said they'd be very upset if the two of them did it without them there.

Shes very worried she'll have crap turn out and upset the fam, and I want some MN back up to say shes not being unreasonable, this is their big day so she can do what she wants and be happy! (Ive also said we can put her back in her wedding dress for an additional party when she gets back, so if anyone did miss out they can see it again!)

Shes surely not being unreasonable, is she?

OP posts:

nickelbabe · 27/08/2010 13:24

If she wants to do it, then it's fine for her - she will need to give at least 2 years' notice so people who want to go can save.

my friend got married in sri lanka, and gave 2 years' notice - some people couldn't go even then, but i really wanted to, so I saved until I had enough. It was the best holiday I've ever had.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/08/2010 13:25

How much outlay is there going to be for her and her DH?

My wedding cost an arm and a leg, but guests only had to pay a very modest amount for their rooms.

My point is, that it is usual for the bride and groom to foot the bill for having the wedding of their dreams. In the case of your friend, it seems that everyone else will be paying for that dream for her.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/08/2010 13:25

How much outlay is there going to be for her and her DH?

My wedding cost an arm and a leg, but guests only had to pay a very modest amount for their rooms.

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 27/08/2010 13:25

Oh and another thing,is this friend also going to have a gift list and expect presents too?? or is she going to ask friends to pay towards their part of the holiday??

TheUnmentioned · 27/08/2010 13:25

SINBU wanting to have that kind of wedding SIBU to expect others to come and to a certain extent to expect others not to be upset that they are being excluded.

There is no way anyone I know could afford £1400 per person, no way at all.

sanielle · 27/08/2010 13:25

If many of the people on the list are friends not family they will probably have a great time. But going to be akward having days of your drunken best mate getting her boobs out in from Aunty Bess and Uncle Eric.. Might mention that to her.

(also I didn't even spend 1400 quid on my own wedding :))

Original poster

TheFruitWhisperer · 27/08/2010 13:26

I think children under 5 are free, but Im not sure. I'll have an under 2, which I know is definately free, so I suppose I hadnt thought of childrens costs properly.

Oh no, shes really not a bridezilla. I think shes just thinking it will be a nice family holiday as well as a wedding.

OP posts:

whomovedmychocolate · 27/08/2010 13:26

The whole point of overseas weddings is because the bride and groom don't want all and sundry to be able to come.

Basically it's saying 'it's all about us, not you lot, now bog off'.

I have some friends who just got married on a greek island. They didn't invite more than immediate family and I'm fine with that - that's what they wanted.

Had they invited me I wouldn't have gone (and I could afford to) purely because I don't want the faff of flying somewhere for a one hour ceremony after which the happy couple wish you were all dead because they want to shag each other senseless relax and you can't with elderly aunt Ira who is goosing the waiters.

SIBU - sorry.

She should just accept she's having an elitist wedding, nothing wrong with that, just that she can't feel hard done by if others don't feel able to be involved.

Original poster

TheFruitWhisperer · 27/08/2010 13:27

And shes thinking of not asking for gifts. For them it will cost the same as us, plus about £2.5k for additionals like the ceremony, dress and bridesmaids etc.

OP posts:

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 27/08/2010 13:29

OP, please reassure me, you arent the bride in question, are you?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/08/2010 13:29

I think she is setting herself up for a huge amount of resentment and disappointment on all sides. It isn't how I would choose to start married life.

If she is desperate for the cruise, then why can't they have a cruise for their honeymoon and just have a normal wedding at home?

TheUnmentioned · 27/08/2010 13:30

She is thinking of not asking for gifts??? No way can this be real.

lucky1979 · 27/08/2010 13:30

I can't think of any situation where I would be happy with this if, say, my DH came home and said one of his sisters were doing it. Sounds like hell on earth. I'd be equally cross about the holiday days, that's half most people's holiday entitlement from work gone in one fell swoop if it's a two week cruise and that's a lot of time to spend on a holiday that isn't your choice, not to mention money.

I feel the same about these bloody week long stag/hen dos as well.

sanielle · 27/08/2010 13:31

she really needs to not ask for gifts.

Original poster

TheFruitWhisperer · 27/08/2010 13:31

Nooooooooooo... its NOT me!!! My DP is turkish, if we went on a cruise we'd have to ask 700 family and friends along! Not realistic, is it!

Although 'Four Weddings' has increased my wedding nosiness, so I have pressed her for all the details.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 27/08/2010 13:31

She'd better not ask for gifts for goodness sake!

TrillianAstra · 27/08/2010 13:33

She is very likely to have a very low turnout from friends and possibly resentment from family who felt they should go but would rather not spend their money that way (even if you have2 years to save, don't mean that's how you would want to spend the money).

Not everyone wants to go on a big group holiday with their friends or family, let alone their friend's family.

LucyLouLou · 27/08/2010 13:34

SINBU to want to get married there, she and her DH-to-be have every right to choose their own personal ceremony, but SIBU to expect anyone to attend. If she's happy for there to be no guests, she could go ahead with the wedding no problem, but if she wants them there, she can't throw a bridezilla-ish tantrum if they refuse or are unable to pay a ridiculous amount of money. Her options on that score are to hold a ceremony at home (or somewhere affordable for everyone) and then go on the cruise, or go on the cruise to get married and accept the inevitable lack of guests. If she tries to guilt anyone into attending when they can't afford it, that's just awful.

Personally I wouldn't attend, I don't think it's at all reasonable to expect anyone to pay that much.

LittleSilver · 27/08/2010 13:34

You are kidding? Aren't you?

Of course it's her day, she can do exactly as she likes. But that does rule out an awful lot of guests (maybe deliberate? I got married very near to Christmas in order to cut down the guest list )

"She is not being unreasonable, but she's being incredibly thoughtless and vulgar, and hasn't really quite understood the point of a wedding - which is for all your loved ones to have a fabulous time sharing in a celebration of love and life."

Beautifully put Headbanger.

LauraNorder · 27/08/2010 13:35

Of course she is not being unreasonable planning the wedding just the way she wants ir however she is being unreasonable if she expects everyone to accept even with 2 years notice. If she were my friend I'm afraid we wouldn't be able to go.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 27/08/2010 13:35

Good God! I personally couldn't imagine anything worse - but each to their own...

She's not unreasonable if that's what she wants for her own wedding. Though I wouldn't go, and I doubt very many people will either. Basically, everyone else is funding her wedding.....

And I would be shocked if she did ask for gifts, to be honest.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/08/2010 13:37

It will probably be around £1400 each to go and have the holiday on the cruise after.

Sorry, whilst i take your point about people having 2 years to save. What if they don't want their holiday to be planned and dictated by someone else? It's a bit emotional-blackmailly to me : "my real friends will come to my wedding"

Sounds lovely for her and her hubby, but she should expect some people won't want to or can't go, without holding it against them

spiritmum · 27/08/2010 13:37

It's their day, they can do what they like. And will upset a lot of people who can't afford to go, and get refusals from people fro whom the idea of a cruise equals a week of norovirus-filled hell.

Incidentally, someone in my family just had a wedding that cost £100k.

I wasn't invited

FallingWithStyle · 27/08/2010 13:38

This kind of wedding is a great idea if you really want it be small or if all your friends and relatives loaded.

If thats not the case then it's twattish. Expecting people to scrimp for two years to attend your "Big Day" is narcissistic in the extreme.

If I was spending that kind of money on a holiday then I'd bloody well choose it myself .

muggglewump · 27/08/2010 13:38

It'll cost less for them to have the wedding than for a family of 4 to attend it.

Well there's something not quite right there.

I'd laugh at her if she were my friend and invited me.

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