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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend is not being unreasonable?

157 replies

TheFruitWhisperer · 27/08/2010 13:02

Shes planning a wedding. On a cruise ship. It sounds great to be be honest, totally her kind of thing.

Trouble is that shes in knots about asking people to go, as she thinks that family and friends wont want to go because of cost/convenience etc. It will probably be around £1400 each to go and have the holiday on the cruise after.

I dont think thats bad, after all its what she wants, would be a group holiday and fab that everyone could be there together, we've all got over 2 years to save for it. But some friends I understand, will probably have to scrimp. And some of her partners family members have said they'd be very upset if the two of them did it without them there.

Shes very worried she'll have crap turn out and upset the fam, and I want some MN back up to say shes not being unreasonable, this is their big day so she can do what she wants and be happy! (Ive also said we can put her back in her wedding dress for an additional party when she gets back, so if anyone did miss out they can see it again!)

Shes surely not being unreasonable, is she?

OP posts:
sapphireblue · 27/08/2010 19:47

as others have said she can do whatever she likes, but if having her friends and family at her nuptuals is improtant to her she should have a re-think. I could never afford to spend that much on going to a wedding, even if it was a close family member.

verytellytubby · 27/08/2010 19:50

I couldn't imagine anything worse!

EricNorthmansmistress · 27/08/2010 19:57

Mad Mad Mad. She will have about 6 guests and they will not be the ones she wants. Then be stuck on her honeymoon with same 6 people for two weeks, wishing she and her H were alone. Bonkers. Our savings are £150 a month. We'd have to put ALL of that, for 2 years, towards someone's wedding. And we are fortunate to be able to put away £150 a month, many people can't afford to save anything. Insane.

YunoYurbubson · 27/08/2010 20:14

Headbanger - I am admiring your excellent use of incanfuckingdescent. Good work.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/08/2010 20:16

£1400 per person?

so, family of 4 £5600?

Well, she can have the wedding as she wants of course, but she would be very unreasonable if she was anything other than totally understanding and accepting of anyone who was unable or unwilling to come.

I don't think many people would spend thousands of pounds to attend a wedding!

And if she tried to guilt them into it, that would also be unreasonable. And if she tried to insist that they made it their family holiday that would be VERY unreasonable!

I suppose it depends what someone wants from their wedding. If it's about the bride and groom only, then have it where they want and if people come, they come. If they don't ... .

If it's about celebrating with the people in your life, your friends and family, all the people you love and who love you, then you plan a wedding that considers them too.

Everyone must do what is right for them.

Original poster
TheFruitWhisperer · 27/08/2010 20:21

I wondered that too, redcardigan, but when I asked her, she said a cruise ship is big enough to 'lose' people you dont want to see everyday. Ive never been on a cruise so I dont know any different! Its not how Id like to spend my honeymoon, but then, I would like a 'normal' at home wedding.

Are his family really right to say "we'd be really upset if you did it without us" though? I do feel sorry for her in that respect.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/08/2010 20:26

I think the family are entitled to be sad and upset that they've chosen to have their wedding in such a way as to, well, exclude them from it really.

Pay thousands of pounds or don't see our wedding is probably upsetting.

The bride and groom have the right to get married wherever the hell they like.

But if people love you, they want to be part of it. And it upsets them if they can't be because it is going to be thousands of pounds.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/08/2010 20:33

TBH, not only do I think your friend is BU, I think she is a loon. She expects family members to save for two years in order to attend her wedding? And take a holiday of her choosing, not theirs?

Her wedding is to be central to them not just on the day but for TWO YEARS? How is this not bridezilla?

paisleyleaf · 27/08/2010 20:35

I don't know about losing people. I've found cruises to be a bit like what I'd imagine the Big Brother house to be like regarding being trapped with the same people.

You can't really do anything about the way people feel. They perhaps do feel upset at being excluded from his wedding because of the ticket prices. Is it his immediate family (parents/siblings) who would have to miss it?

Myleetlepony · 27/08/2010 20:41

I would hate it if a close friend or member of my family came up with this idea. We would really, really struggle to come up with that sort of money, and even if we did, we've got many things that are more important to us to spend the money on. Like a new kitchen for example. So, spend a fortune to go to a wedding, which is really just a one-day event, or on a new kitchen that will last us for years. No contest.
Even if it was a holiday that we really wanted to go on, and possibly had on our list of dream holidays I'd think twice. Spend all that money and then find ourselves surrounded by people we might not even know very well, or get on with. I don't think so.

Original poster
TheFruitWhisperer · 27/08/2010 20:42

I think his parents could make it. I think his siblings and partners could potentially make it but would hold a resentment forever at paying out that much money . A few of his friends might not make it and I think that and the sibling situation is whats making her anxious.

I dont know about her mum and dad though. Not sure what they'd do.

OP posts:
Chatelaine · 27/08/2010 20:42

BitOfFun - Couldn't agree more with your response OP " Its' what she wants" So your friend has a fantasy idea of her wedding. Bet she reads OK magazine and the like. Good luck to her and I sincerely hopes she ejoys the self indulgentlonely day. Bridezilla on speed imo. The world's going mad. The purpose of guests is that they witness the committment,support the couple and celebrate the joy in that, not beggar themselves for the bride's vanity. The Guests are supposed to be GIVEN hospitality and in return are highly likely to want to bestow a suitable gift of their considered choice. FFS.

Myleetlepony · 27/08/2010 20:43

Gawd, the more I think about it, the more I think this is a terrible idea.

Chatelaine · 27/08/2010 20:47

Also, I think it a bit sad that so many couples consider anywhere other than their home town or somewhere where they have been happy in their native country, a better choice to get married. What are they looking for?

MistsandMellowMilady · 27/08/2010 20:53

How about everyone who can afford it goes and has a lovely time and they all chip towards a nice Argos voucher instead of presents?

Sorry but I have struggled over recent years to afford suitable clothes for each family member to wear to weddings.

Agree with BoF. It's a point of etiquette. The guests honour the bride and groom with their presence not the other way around.

Victoria Beckham's Dad's speech is a good example of such crass behaviour:

"Many people would have liked to have been here at the marriage today but it is you that Victoria and David have chosen" Shock

saintlydamemrsturnip · 27/08/2010 20:58

Why on earth doesn't she do something normal like have a wedding somewhere in the UK and then go on a cruise for her honeymoon if she really must go on a cruise.

The cost would be out of the question for us.

Jane054848 · 27/08/2010 21:00

Her family is being totally reasonable, she is being totally selfish. To get married without your family is a big "screw you", and by forcing them to take an extortionate holiday that most people would hate if they want to see her get married, that is exactly what she's doing.

If getting married on a cruise is so important to her that she is prepared to upset her family and piss off almost everyone she knows, of course it's her right to do so. But it would be such a deeply weird thing to do. Just get married at home, then go on a cruise for the honeymoon. Obviously.

Bridezilla = someone who doesn't understand that their wedding day is only the most important thing in the world FOR THEM. Your friend sounds like an extreme example of this syndrome.

Chatelaine · 27/08/2010 21:08

Maybe she's worried that people will not fuss over her enough and make her a "celebrated bride" so she is making sure of it herself. How modern. How insecure.

hairytriangle · 27/08/2010 22:22

She's being unreasonable if she expects people to go.

HelenaCC · 28/08/2010 00:45

Im surprised at all the people saying she is BU. She & her fiance should do what they want, and to hell with who it offends. Im a big fan of weddings being exactly what the couple want, they just have to accept that if its not everyone elses idea of a holiday then they wont be coming. This extends to close friends and family.

I actually think that family members complaining about not being able come are BU. If your friend wants a big turnout she will have to revise her plans, but if she happy to just do v.small wedding (and double the fun- a party to celebrate when she gets back)then she should have the cruise ship wedding she desires. Any friends and family that can make it will be there a)because they love her and b) because its their idea of fun.

Speaking from experience a party in the UK and a 'no pressure' invite to the abroad bash is favourably receievd, asnd a holiday wedding is so much fun for all concerned and really takes the stress out of weddings. But the bride and groom get ONE DAY not a whole week - its other people's holidays too.

rimmer08 · 28/08/2010 08:35

i got married in mexico and excepted that we wouldnt have a big wedding, people in DH family grumbled but we didnt get married for them so your friend is NBU for getting married elsewhere.

azazello · 28/08/2010 08:44

She is being UR if she wants people to come. There is no way on earth I'd ever go to a cruise ship wedding - I'd rather eat my own foot, and we could probably afford it.

I think family members are perfectly entitled to say that they would be a bit sad not to see the ceremony - thats the bit that matters to many people and the rest is just froth. If it matters to her and her DP that they won't be able to attend, she'll have to reconsider. She can't throw a strop because they can't or won't fit in with this ridiculous plan.

Also, if they're going to do this they'd better be as sure as possible the marriage is going to last . I can't think of a quicker way to lose friends and alienate people than by asking them to spend 1000s on your wedding and splitting up 2 years later because 'there were issues but you thought it would all be okay...'

proudnsad · 28/08/2010 09:07

Why has she chosen a (totally nuts) wedding 'venue' which is causing her so much inner turmoil?!!! That in itself is madness.

It's not on to expect people to shell out so much money and a wedding on a cruise ship - yikes!

warthog · 28/08/2010 09:17

bleurgh

my idea of hell. there would be no way i'd pay for the privilege.

nickelbabe · 28/08/2010 09:17

How about....

you can get "days out" on canal boats and stuff - maybe there's somewhere where she can use the cruise ship for a day as the reception venue and then they can go sailing off on the honeymoon on the ship?

she can't actually get married on the boat, so she'd have to do that bit on land, anyway.

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