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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend is not being unreasonable?

157 replies

TheFruitWhisperer · 27/08/2010 13:02

Shes planning a wedding. On a cruise ship. It sounds great to be be honest, totally her kind of thing.

Trouble is that shes in knots about asking people to go, as she thinks that family and friends wont want to go because of cost/convenience etc. It will probably be around £1400 each to go and have the holiday on the cruise after.

I dont think thats bad, after all its what she wants, would be a group holiday and fab that everyone could be there together, we've all got over 2 years to save for it. But some friends I understand, will probably have to scrimp. And some of her partners family members have said they'd be very upset if the two of them did it without them there.

Shes very worried she'll have crap turn out and upset the fam, and I want some MN back up to say shes not being unreasonable, this is their big day so she can do what she wants and be happy! (Ive also said we can put her back in her wedding dress for an additional party when she gets back, so if anyone did miss out they can see it again!)

Shes surely not being unreasonable, is she?

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/08/2010 13:39

I wouldn't go

ShirleyKnot · 27/08/2010 13:39

Four
Teen
Hun
Dred
Quid.

Shock
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/08/2010 13:39

Is she doing it for personal cost reasons?

A really nice sit-down meal in a nice hotel with lovely flowers and all the extras is somewhere in the region of £20-25k depending on what time of year you get married and where you are. Then honeymoon on top.
Seems like this is a way for her and her DH to spend considerably less than that by passing on a lot of the cost to friends and family.

thatsnotmymonkey · 27/08/2010 13:40

OMG, is everyone who will be invited very flush??

I would not go to this wedding, even if it was my brother or best mate. No way no day.

It is alot of money and a cruise holiday with family and mates sounds like HELL.

She can have whatever kind of wedding she wants, it just might be the tichiest wedding ever though. It depends what is more important to her, being surrounded by frieds and family, or being on a cruise ship with a handful of people and being one of the many couples getting a cookie cutter wedding on the ship.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/08/2010 13:42

mugggle - exactly!

OP - if she is serious about wanting people to attend then she needs to be looking at paying half people's costs, at the least I think. Otherwise she is just going to look grabby and vulgar.

AmandaCooper · 27/08/2010 13:42

Oh god I feel sorry for the people who will feel obliged to go (siblings, parents, grandparents, best friends) whatever the cost, how must they feel to be put in ths horrible position. We had to fly over to the south west coast of Ireland for my friend's wedding this summer, it cost £800 and to pay for it we had to postpone our family holiday.

rookiemater · 27/08/2010 13:42

Ok if she has her heart set on a cruise.

Why not get married at a registry office so everyone can attend, then have her cruise as a honeymoon ?

See the way I see it, her and her future husband are saving money by combing wedding, reception and honeymoon all in one but the poor old guests costs are multiplied to around 10x what they should normally be ( based on cost of a reasonable hotel room and travel)

Up to her to do what she wants of course, but massively naive on both her and your part not to see why people might be upset about it.

StewieGriffinsMom · 27/08/2010 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/08/2010 13:42

Oh, and SIBU

Original poster
TheFruitWhisperer · 27/08/2010 13:43

I think she only wanted immediate family and friends to go anyway. But even some of them have said they'll be upset if they go off without them.

And How do I put this all to her, in a nice way? I dont want her to fall flat on her face when asking people. I still think its a nice idea in theory.

BTW Ive said I'll go. DP made a face when I mentioned it him and perhaps now I see why!

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 27/08/2010 13:44

Or offer to pay the guests bar bills at the end.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/08/2010 13:44

Some people lose all perspective about weddings. It's not their fault. If shes asking you what you think, then tell her. Link her to this page before it gets abusive

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 27/08/2010 13:45

She is not being unreasonable to want to get married on the cruise ship. But she is being unreasonable if she expects more than a handful of people to be able to join her, or if she expects people to "scrimp" for two years in order to attend her wedding.

I think if she wants the cruise wedding she should send out notes saying "DP and I have decided to get married [details]. We know that this puts attending out of the reach of most of our friends and family and we are absolutely not pressurising anyone to try to attend. However, if any of you do feel that a cruise is your sort of holiday and would like to book to come along we would be overjoyed to have you there to celebrate with us. We'll be having a party after we return so that we can still celebrate with everyone."

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/08/2010 13:48

Professor - that's a really good idea. BUT, IME, there will still be people who feel the most important thing is to witness the wedding ceremony. I have relatives who did not care about the meal afterwards or the reception - they just wanted to see me married (in a registry office). Sadly, I only realised that when it was too late, and I upset several people.

sarah293 · 27/08/2010 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/08/2010 13:49

How long has she been engaged for? I'm just wondering if she's in the first bridal magazine-fuelled frenzy about having to have her wedding somewhere 'individual' that expresses her personality and something that 'guests will remember forever'. These are the kind of phrases such magazines waft around in front of the prospective bridezilla. :)

If I were you, I would put it to her really gently that it is a lot of money to ask people to spend and is she really sure she wants to do it.
Do you know if she has buy in from any of her and her DP's family, or hasn't she mentioned anything yet?

sanielle · 27/08/2010 13:49

spirtimum I am just so poor I actually can't imagine how anyone spends a 100,000 on a wedding? Like actually, how? you can only buy so many party favours and only so much food.

paisleyleaf · 27/08/2010 13:51

She's already said she "thinks that family and friends wont want to go because of cost/convenience etc" and "have crap turn out and upset the fam" and "scrimping" and "doing it without family members there"

So she knows already. You don't need to put it to her. She knows it's an impossible and cheeky ask - that's why she's struggling with actually asking them. Perhaps when it comes to actually asking she'll realise it's indecent and will decide to pay for her own wedding and have the cruise as honeymoon after all. (which seems sensible)

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/08/2010 13:52

sanielle - it will be the venue cost. One place that DH and I looked at and then swiftly retreated from wanted £15k just to hire the place, then you were looking at about £90 per head for food, plus booze on top. I know of other places in this area that charge far more!
Also, don't underestimate how much it's possible to spend on a wedding dress if you really try!

muggglewump · 27/08/2010 13:52

I'd balk at paying £140, never mind £1400.

Are these people all millionaires?

Pidgin · 27/08/2010 13:54

Even for my dearest friend in the world I would not go to a wedding like this. Even if DH and I had a spare £2800 to burn I would resent being asked to spend any more than the briefest of times on a cruise ship holiday, which is my idea of hell. Your friend has the right to get married wherever she likes, but not to expect anyone to turn up.

TFW maybe you could show her this thread? Or if that's a bit harsh, you could point out the financial implications. For most people this would mean foregoing their own holiday to go on hers?

thatsnotmymonkey · 27/08/2010 13:55

Stewiegriffithsmom I feel the same way. If someone told me I had to holiday with my extended family I think I would throw myself off a tall building.

fruitwhisper please show her this thread. I think it is important for her to realise what she is in reality asking.

Can I ask? Is she quite young,say under 30, possibly more like early 20s??

Headbanger · 27/08/2010 13:56

100k!?!?!?!?!?

This gets me so fucking cross I can't stand it. A while bag some haggard, orange-tinted old bint from a Wedding Mag, whose ENTIRE JOB is to persuade fools to be easily parted from their money, said very sweetly on BBC Breakfast News that of course different couples spend different amounts on their weddings - it just depends how much wedding means to you!

I was incanfuckingdescent. Our wedding meant everything to us (and 10 years later we're still married, incidentally Wink) and cost very little - partly because we had very little, and partly because I can think of better ways to spend two grand than on a horrifically vulgar dress that will never be worn again. (I drew my dream dress on a sheet of A4 paper, my Mum made it out of silk we bought from the local market, specially ordered in for £80, and my Granny embroidered exquisite butterflies and roses on the bodice. And a friend made a gigantic chocolate cake. and the week before the wedding my husband and I sat up all night making fudge and wrapping it up as gifts for the guests).

I realise IABU now, but honestly - the outright fucking ostentation and vulgarity of weddings today turn my stomach, so they do.

You're all going to flame me, right?! Can I claim PMT privileges Grin?

Original poster
TheFruitWhisperer · 27/08/2010 13:58

You are right Alibaba, this is the first flourish. I think its also fuelled by various friends having exotic weddings abroad recently too.

Shes not yet said anything specific to the family but shes said for ages she wanted to go off somewhere sunny like the US and get married.

I think, I should probably say nothing. And only if she asks say, well we can afford it (theres only the two of us and the baby wont cost any more) but perhaps you have to consider that so and so wont be there.

OP posts:
thatsnotmymonkey · 27/08/2010 14:00

My wedding which had 160 in the day and a further 100 for the night cost less than £6000, including a dress that was £1500(I know madness!). Me and Dh paid for all of it but £1000, which my mum insisted we have for the "big day".

It was the best day ever and 5 years on it is still talked about by friends and family as being truly unique and a really great time.