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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friend is not being unreasonable?

157 replies

TheFruitWhisperer · 27/08/2010 13:02

Shes planning a wedding. On a cruise ship. It sounds great to be be honest, totally her kind of thing.

Trouble is that shes in knots about asking people to go, as she thinks that family and friends wont want to go because of cost/convenience etc. It will probably be around £1400 each to go and have the holiday on the cruise after.

I dont think thats bad, after all its what she wants, would be a group holiday and fab that everyone could be there together, we've all got over 2 years to save for it. But some friends I understand, will probably have to scrimp. And some of her partners family members have said they'd be very upset if the two of them did it without them there.

Shes very worried she'll have crap turn out and upset the fam, and I want some MN back up to say shes not being unreasonable, this is their big day so she can do what she wants and be happy! (Ive also said we can put her back in her wedding dress for an additional party when she gets back, so if anyone did miss out they can see it again!)

Shes surely not being unreasonable, is she?

OP posts:

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/08/2010 14:01

< applauds Headbanger >

I see your 80 quid dress, and I raise you £50 from a Chinese supermarket

Headbanger · 27/08/2010 14:02

£50?! That really IS impressive!!

Obviously that should read 'a while ago', of course...

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/08/2010 14:06

Exotic weddings that she attended, or exotic weddings that people went and did on their own?

Maybe you are right to say nothing, but if she does come sobbing that people are saying they won't come then I think you have to be honest with her. Making soothing noises and making her think that she's being hard done by will do her no favours in the long run.

jumpingjackhash · 27/08/2010 14:11

I think you should talk to her about this, if you're a good friend that is. Clearly she already has some doubts or appreciation that some people won't go or will feel upset at being unintentionally excluded, so IMO it would be wrong of you not to point out some of these very valid points.

I'm all for couples having the wedding they really want, but this smacks of cheekiness, expecting others to stump-up so much to indulge her wishes to this extent.

If I was invited, I would refuse to go, I'm fortunate enough to be able to afford this, but would rather spend my hard-earned cash on something other than someone else's wedding and honeymoon.

OrmRenewed · 27/08/2010 14:13

1400 for a cruise? No thanks. I rarely spend that much on a family holiday and I'm fairly sure I'd hate a cruise.

Is she BU?. It's her wedding. But she is also nbu to think she may have problems with the guest list.

OrmRenewed · 27/08/2010 14:14

Eh? 1400 each!

Bloody hell

jumpingjackhash · 27/08/2010 14:14

Out of interest, what does her fiance think of the idea?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/08/2010 14:15

... Headbanger - 13 years ...

lucky1979 · 27/08/2010 14:15

I think how much people spend on their wedding is totally up to them, whether it's 100,000 grand or 50p and a (literal) bag of chips.

It's asking other people to pay which is the problem I think.

lolapoppins · 27/08/2010 14:18

Even if it was my closet friend in the world, I couldn't go to a wedding like that. no way on earth I could pay for my family to go, and even if we could save that kind of money, it would go towards a holiday of our own, or towards a newer car/house repairs/things for ds etc.

She's NBU for choosing what to do for her wedding, but that's a lot of money to ask people to save up, especially for something like a cruise which I guess wouldn't be many peoples choice of a holiday anyway.

YellowDaffodil · 27/08/2010 14:19

SINBU to want it SIBU to suggest it though.

A couple of years ago some friends of DH and mine decided to get married on one of the Greeks Islands.

They then went down to the Travel Agents got all excited and decided they were doing it in 3 months time, not the same time the following year as they originally planned.

DH had not long been made redundant and had just found himself another job but was earning less. We said we couldn't afford it. Friend asked DH to be best man and gave us the dates. We explained our little one was starting school and we couldn't afford it. They changed the dates to a few weeks later and booked - they then gave us all the information as the group booking would be cheaper for everyone.

We ended up going, putting it on the credit card and leaving DD with Nanny as it was no kids.

Some other friends were then invited with kid but told they could only go for the week as the second week was the couples honeymoon. They went for the fortnight and said bollocks to it as it was their family holiday.

Cue the bride spending the entire week we were there trying to dictate to us what to do as the whole week was about her and then sitting sour faced when any of us dared to enjoy our holiday that we paid for.

Non of the brides family or friends attended and boy did she make the rest of the guests suffer for it!

To top it all off she was slagging us off on facebook before we even got off the plane because she didn't like DHs speech and we apparently swore in front of the grooms parents. Fair enough we may have sworn but they didn't care and have known us longer than her.

Moral - Any bride wanting her dream day on someone elses holiday is asking for trouble. There will be resentment somewhere along the line.

myredcardigan · 27/08/2010 14:22

So, say I was invited,

Me, DH plus 3kids from 3yrs-7yrs.

5x £1400= £7000

So, she'd be asking me to spend £7000 on a 'holiday' which wouldn't be a holiday at all as I could never relax on a cruise with such young children wondering where they were and what they were climbing on. I'd spend the entire week stopping them falling overboard!

Has she actually thought about the cost to those with children? Or the idea that a cruise is in no way child friendly unless we're talking a baby.

Btw, I know the sides are high etc but so was our balcony when my 2yr old dragged 3 chairs to stack on top of each other so she could jump in the pool below. She's nearly 5 and to date she's had 7 trips to A&E including two broken bones and 3 sets of stiches. I have never been once with the other 2.

sayithowitis · 27/08/2010 14:22

She is entitled to have her dream, just not to expect others to pay for it, because her dream will become their nightmare.

We are a family of four. So it would cost us £5600 to attend. That means we would have to save a minimum of £2800 for each of two years ( probably less than 2 years because presumably the money would need to be paid about 8 - 12 weeks in advance). Our total holiday budget for this year was £150 ! We only managed a couple of (cheap) days out! Even if it was just DH and I ( our DCs are grown up, but still financially dependant on us) it would still cost far more than we could afford. And it would mean him using up precious holiday entitlement. I am assuming it would be during school holidays? If not I would also lose pay from work as any time I take out of school holidays has to be unpaid! Even if this were my wedding I couldn't affoed to attend, let alone somebody else's!

HarderToKidnap · 27/08/2010 14:22

My friend recently got married in Sorrento. Ceremony was in a park overlooking the sea, passers by stopping to watch. Reception on a clifftop terrace overlooking the sea, fairy lights strung through fruit trees, alive swing band. It was all BEAUTIFUL and just fantastic and guests varied from people who flew in in the morning and flew back next day on Easyjet to people staying two weeks in 5 star hotels over the wedding period. So it was in almost everybody's reach to attend and still gorgeous, warm and exotic. Can she not think of something similar?

curlymama · 27/08/2010 14:26

I would love to go to a wedding abroad, and I'm patiently waiting for one of my friends to decide they want to get married that way and invite me! But I would not want to go on a cruise, sounds like my idea of hell tbh.

If that's how she wants her special day to be, then of course that is up to her and not at all unreasonable. It is however unreasonable of her to get upset that lots of other people don't want to go. she will need to accept that. Saying that people have two years to save is irrelevant. If I was going to save up for a holiday, I'd want it to be somewhere that I chose to go. If the bride gets upset by feeling that her wedding must not be important to people if they won't save, then I'd point out to her that those people could well be offended that she doesn't care enough about them to feel that their presence is important. She is the one choosing to make it difficult for her guests.

TheFallenMadonna · 27/08/2010 14:26

She will have a crap turn out unless she moves in very different circles to the majority of us. If she wants to do a cruise ship wedding, then she should have one, but sending out invitations is setting herself up for disappointment IMO.

My brother got married overseas, completely reasonably as it is where he lives and where his wife comes from, and had friends and family who couldn;t attend. We turned it into our family holiday, but it cost about twice as much for one week as we normally spend for two weeks - and still nowhere near £1400 per person!

morganlebuffay · 27/08/2010 14:29

How bloody much?

I wouldn't even consider going. Maybe if it was my sister's wedding, but I'd let her know my thoughts before she made it definite.

It's not just the money either (although that is a ridiculous, ridiculous amount of money to ask people to spend). People only have limited holiday allowance from their work, and will resent the assumption that they're happy to use up a chunk of it to attend a wedding. Especially people with children who cleverly balance every bit of holiday they get to maximise childcare during the school holidays.

It is absolutely ridiculous, I can't say it enough, to expect other people to save for two frigging years, just to attend somebody else's wedding! I have a list a mile long of things I's sooner spend two years' savings on. Assuming I could - or wanted to - scrimp and save at all.

sungirltan · 27/08/2010 14:30

my friend is at a wedding in mauritius right now. it is the wedding of her dp's brother. my friend and her dp felt totally obliged to go, especially as dp/the groom's dad refused already because of the cost. this holiday/wedding has wiped out all the savings my friend and her dp had which were for a deposit for a bigger flat which would then lead to trying for a baby and a few other things.

if i was invited to a wedding inside a holiday all i'd think that my dh wont commit to it because of work and i will have to go on my own (though thats our issue not a bride's!)

sallyseton · 27/08/2010 14:35

Oh my god your friend is mad!

Quite literally the only way I would attend is if the bride and groom paid. Are they billionaires? And even so, not everyone can take 2 weeks off work or entertain the idea of being trapped on a cruise ship with a boatload of wedding guests for two weeks. Sounds hellish, and actually could be quite a good idea for a modern Mike Leigh tv play.

So if I. Goes ahead, their wedding would cost the bride and groom £2,800. Even factoring in other costs, I'm guessing still under £5000. That's incredibly cheap for a lavish "dream wedding". I think your friend's being sneaky and cheap. Don't let her talk you into it.

TwentiethCenturyHeffa · 27/08/2010 14:36

There's no way we could afford to spend that much going to a wedding. I'd be a bit if a friend of ours had a wedding like that and actually expected us to go. I'd have thought that getting married on a cruise ship was ideal for anyone who didn't want anyone else to attend.

freespiritedgirl · 27/08/2010 14:37

The bridge and groom are entitled to have whatever kind of wedding they like but if they want it to include a cruise

they will exclude a large number of people who are unable to pay for it
not everyone will want to spend their annual holiday for one (or more years) on a holiday of her choosing.
some close family members and friends will feel under pressure to attend at whatever cost and will really resent this
she will be regarded by some as selfish and self-important for suggesting that her guests might like to spend this sum of money in order to attend her wedding
many of the costs are being transferred to her guests
it's a bit like selling tickets for her wedding
will they have a gift list too? or just request the money?
does she think she's in 'Hello'?

As you've probably gathered that I've had first hadn experience of this kind of thing and have not been impressed.

paisleyleaf · 27/08/2010 14:38

If you're not taking DCs and it's just a couple going it's about £3000 plus several hundred pounds for days off the ship, bar bill, tips. As well as all the special clothes you'd need to buy just to eat in the restaurant.
That's more like £200 a month for families scrimping to have to save over the next couple of years.
It's too much.

freespiritedgirl · 27/08/2010 14:42

Of course, I may have posted in haste. Is your friend planning to pay for everyone to go away with her for the cruise so they will be her guests? Like Phillip Green and his parties. I suspect not.

sallyseton · 27/08/2010 14:45

This is AIBU by stealth, right?

Bumperlicious · 27/08/2010 14:47

Why can't the cruise just be her honeymoon? Usually if people go some distance to get married it's because they want to do it in private.

There is no-one I like enough to spend £1400 and 2 weeks with for their wedding, possibly not even DH

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