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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my dd to have the biggest room?

181 replies

reddaisy · 26/08/2010 19:53

I want my 18-month-old dd to have the double bedroom in our home. She currently has the box room and her toys are ALL over the house and her clothes are in with mine.

DSD, 13, has the double second bedroom. And I want them to swap rooms. There is enough room for a bed, chest of drawers and we could put her television in there. She also doesn't spend much time in her room when she is here.

DP doesn't want them to swap because DSD is the eldest and he doesn't want to upset her I think.

Bit of background, when we moved into our three bed house DSD was with us for one full week out of two. And it was before we had dd. Now she is only with us on Wednesdays and every other weekend.

It bugs me that DD doesn't have a space to play and that the larger room is empty most of the time. So, aibu?

OP posts:
spybear · 27/08/2010 13:47

YANBU why have all that space going unused. If said DSD was your DD and at uni or something and not using her room much then im sure you'd just do what is best for the family that is there for the majority of the time.

DogDays · 27/08/2010 13:48

I'd give the bigger room to the resident child. That is just common sense tbh.
All I ever see on here is "oh you can't risk hurting the non-resident-childs feelings" but nobody seeems to give a shit about the resident child who is often playing second best out of fear of looking "favoured".

myredcardigan · 27/08/2010 13:51

YANBU and I'm surprised at the flaming you're getting on here.

I think if DSD lived with you it would be entirely different and indeed when she spent a significant amount of time with you, she was given the bigger room.

However, for the sake of a few days a month I think the box room will suffice. What if her father had moved in with a woman who already had children? She would then need to bunk down with a step-sibling. She is fortunate to have her own room at all IMO.

I think on MN there's a lot of 'second wife bashing' which is ridiculous.

hifi · 27/08/2010 14:27

yanbu,it would piss me off.if you explaie would agned to dsd im sure she would agree.

Nemofish · 27/08/2010 15:36

yy the resident child can end up being sidetracked for fear of the non-resident child feeling that they aren't the 'favourite!'

Tbh too often I see non resident children coming over on the weekend, ordering their parent and step parent around like servants, treating their step siblings poorly, having not to lift a finger for themselves, getting bought whatever their hearts desire while the resident children have to abide by a whole different set of rules! Hmm All bourne out of guilt. Not surprising but not good for children to grow up like this!

MorrisZapp · 27/08/2010 16:45

YANBU at all. Silly for a bigger room to go to somebody who won't be keeping all her stuff in it. Presume DSD keeps the bulk of her clothes, books etc at her main residence.

If you did it in the context of redecorating etc DSD may well see it as a bonus anyway - it's only precious adults who obsess over who got what sized room etc.

piscesmoon · 27/08/2010 19:14

It is quite simple-your DD doesn't need a big room at her age, she won't be in it except to sleep, whereas a 13 yr old will be in it when she is there. By the time your DD needs a room to herself (in 5 yrs time) the DSD will be an adult and they can swap.

mumbar · 27/08/2010 19:20

Ok im back - I posted yesterday after talking to friends dsd 11.7. I asked her to read thread today (after giving her the ball park and saying stop if it upsets you).

She has asked me to post this:

'for all those having a go at the op consider the fact that dsd has a room in her mums house, and that its fair dd has the same decent room at her mums house. When I visit ddad and dstepmum and dsis x2 I come to visit them NOT sit in a room on my own. I don't have my own room at dads house as I only visit in school holidays - I live quite far away. My dad and step-mum have offered me the small room and for my dsis' to share but it seems silly. I can go to my dads room for piece if I want it, use pc in there etc and stepmum ensures my dsis' give me that space. Dad has talked about doing the loft conversion for him and step mum then dsis1 will get their bedroom, dsis2 will get the double and I can have the small room to myself. But it really doesn't matter to me'

I'm not in a step family myself but hopefully this adds another pov for op to consider. BTW friends dsd was really shocked that anyone would think a room would show how much you love a child - she thinks the fact her dad and especially stepmum when her dads at work buy her school clothes/shoes, get haircut etc when she's down along with her dsis' make her feel treated as an equal.

proudnsad · 27/08/2010 19:30

Y are BU.

Bedroom allocation does matter very very very much to many stepchildren. It still hurts me to this day, the decisons made by my father and stepmother re bedrooms during a 5 year period. It was a very clear 'you are not as important as the real children'.

It's bathtime...

To quote Arnie, I'll be back!

piscesmoon · 27/08/2010 19:35

You have to ask yourself that if you separated from DP and he had a new partner and DC would you want your DD relegated to to the smaller room because the new partner didn't realise that she had 2 DCs and not one? OP has 2 DDs and the eldest should have the bigger room, unless she really doesn't mind.

crazykat · 27/08/2010 19:43

Why not just have DSD and DD share the bigger bedroom? That's what we do with DSD 8 and DD 2.7. That way there are no arguments.

I can see why some people are saying that giving DSD the small room would make her feel she's not as important as DD, but consider how DD will feel in a few years - that DSD is more important.

It's a catch 22 situation, not wanting either child to feel the other is more important. If they share a room then neither one is being treated as a priority.

To those flaming the OP for suggesting they swap - what if OP and her DP have another daughter together? Should they have to share the small room so that DSD doesn't feel pushed out?

weirdbird · 27/08/2010 22:08

YANBU

I have just swapped my eldest DD out of the large bedroom that she has had since we moved into this house into the small bedroom so the 2 younger ones who have more "large" stuff have enough space.

I sweetened the deal by letting her choose the wall colour and making it more "grown up" but it was either that or she was going to have to share with her 3yr old sister in the larger room and I did not think that this was a good idea for her when she has homework etc and wants to read in bed which she would not have been able to do when sharing!

JaynieB · 27/08/2010 22:19

I don't think your reasoning is unreasonable, but it does matter how this is received by the DSD.
My DSD had the tiniest room in our house and managed to spread stuff all over the house, so I suggested we sacrifice the spare room, which was a double so she could have more space (and I didn't have to put up with stuff all over the house). It worked v well until DD came along - now there's stuff all over the house again!!
I think the idea that your DSD gets a room thats appropriate for her needs and so does DD is fine. But as many have already said, you just need to do this in a way that doesn't make her feel unwanted.

ChippingIn · 27/08/2010 22:31

YANBU

I would sell the swap to her on the premise that you need to move DD's toys from being all over the house, to being in her bedroom and as there isn't enough room in the small room you will have to put some in the big bedroom too and now that her Dad is working from home he needs some storage so will be putting stuff in there as well, but DSD can have the small room all to herself, complete privacy and decorate it how she likes - I really can't see her complaining... I think most girls that age would rather have a small room to themselves than a bigger room with little sisters, Dads and SM's in it!!

She can't expect to have a big room, while you all struggle for space, when she's hardly there and FWIW if they were both mine I'd say the same AND if we needed the small room for something else (Dad to work in!!) then they'd have to share - full sisters, half sisters, step sisters or aliens!!

piscesmoon · 29/08/2010 15:43

I would think that you could swap if you sell it correctly, as suggested by ChippingIn-all new stuff and own decoration. The important thing is that she feels happy about it.

theredhen · 29/08/2010 16:36

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Step children should be made to feel that your home is their home BUT resident children quite often only have one home. I think you have to look at the bigger picture, if she has a nice room at her other home, then I don't see why she can't compromise in your home.

RunawayWife · 29/08/2010 16:43

YANBU your DP is being a prat,

Change the rooms round while he is at work and tell him to lump it.
There is no point in a child that uses a room for 3 days having a double room while your own DD is stuck in a tiny space.

lizardpoisonsspock · 29/08/2010 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunawayWife · 29/08/2010 16:46

also I am sure your SD has a bedroom to her liking at her mothers.
Your DP sounds like he had absent parent guilt syndrome.

And if you pay towards the upkeep of the house you should be able to allocate the rooms as you wish.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 29/08/2010 17:46

How would your dsd feel about sharing her room with your dd, but having the little bedroom as a sort of den/study, where she could go for a bit of peace and quiet? Your dd could keep her toys in her bedroom, with the understanding that she wasn't to touch your dsd's stuff.

That way your dd would get a bigger room and your dsd wouldn't feel like she was being pushed into the smaller room.

prettybird · 29/08/2010 18:16

Not quite the same situtation but when I was a teenager, we moved back to the UK - I was 15. My (younger) brother and I had to negotitate you got the bigger bedroom. I got the bigger room but he got the better furniture to enable him to make the most of his room.

And when I went off to uni 2 years later, h immediately swapped into the room (I remember feeling a wee bit resentful that he got to take the better furniture with him Wink) - even though I still spent all the Christmas and Easter breaks at home as well as at least a month in the summer (depending on whether I got a holiday job close to home or in the uni town), plus a weekend mid term - so probably even more time than the dsd in the OP.

all families involved negotiation: the OP's partner should talk to his dsd and not just assume that she will feel unwanted if she moves into the smaller room. For all he knows, she might be embarrassed by the bigger room and/or irritated by the constant presence of dd's toys all around the house. She might also like the chance to decorate and furnish her own "den". But if he doesn't ask, he'll never know.

BrightLightBrightLight · 29/08/2010 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunawayWife · 29/08/2010 22:28

She is not the resident child in the house, am I right in thinking it was never "her" family home with her mum and your DP?

My view is the child that lives there full time, the child who's main/only home it is need to have the bigger room.

You would not give up your own bedroom for a guest that came once a week would you?

I think you need to sit her and your DP down and tell them both your DD will be having the room as your step daughter is not in it full time and does not need so much space for the times she stays with you.

If your DP don't like it tell him get over his guilt issues and lump it

piscesmoon · 30/08/2010 16:32

DSD isn't a guest-she is part of the family! It isn't her fault that she is only part time.
OP seems to think that they are a family of three and yet DP knows they are a family of four. He has 2 equal DDs.
A toddler doesn't need a bedroom other than to sleep in-by the time she does her sister will be 18 and can be a guest.
The important thing is to discuss it with DSD-maybe she will see the sense of having the smaller room and not mind-especially if she has a bigger room with her mother.

prettybird · 30/08/2010 16:40

But when you go to Uni, you still "live" at home - just not full-time any more - and are not a "guest" so why is that different?

But we are all agreed on the need to talk it over with her.