Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my dd to have the biggest room?

181 replies

reddaisy · 26/08/2010 19:53

I want my 18-month-old dd to have the double bedroom in our home. She currently has the box room and her toys are ALL over the house and her clothes are in with mine.

DSD, 13, has the double second bedroom. And I want them to swap rooms. There is enough room for a bed, chest of drawers and we could put her television in there. She also doesn't spend much time in her room when she is here.

DP doesn't want them to swap because DSD is the eldest and he doesn't want to upset her I think.

Bit of background, when we moved into our three bed house DSD was with us for one full week out of two. And it was before we had dd. Now she is only with us on Wednesdays and every other weekend.

It bugs me that DD doesn't have a space to play and that the larger room is empty most of the time. So, aibu?

OP posts:
Fizzylemonade · 26/08/2010 22:44

YANBU, I never got a choice on bedroom size, or to pick which I thought was best.

You want to know how we decided which rooms to give to my 2 children? The heavy sleeper is in the room above the kitchen so will sleep through the dishwasher being emptied by dh at 6am on weekdays, and the one who wakes easily can sleep in the room above the lounge which is silent at 6am!

I think if the situation were reversed and your DSD had a brother or sister in her mother's home who had the biggest room but was only there on average 2 nights out of 7, how would she feel?

I think it is perfectly reasonable to state that you love your child more than your dsd as long as you don't show that there is a difference.

Sweeten the deal with redecoration and something that would mean a lot to her. But I agree with the wait a bit longer part but not so long that you are pregnant with the next one.

And no, I am not a step-mum but I have plenty of friends who are and have seen first hand the minefield that is being a step-parent.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/08/2010 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 22:48

This is starting to get tedious. When did I say it wasn't her home too? In fact, I explained how she has everything she needs here and doesn't have to bring things over from her mum's for that very reason.

When did I say she wasn't part of the family? She is very much a part of the family.

If you want to criticise my viewpoint then that is fine, but read my posts more thoroughly before you accuse me of being crass.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 26/08/2010 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nemofish · 26/08/2010 22:50

Isn't crass a bit old fashioned now? Surely vulgar is the new crass?

FrameyMcFrame · 26/08/2010 22:52

I don't understand why your toddler has so much stuff, surely it's just toys and clothes?

All of my toddlers clothes fit into one chest of drawers plus his bedding.

He has two big boxes of toys and a bookcase... easy to fit that into a boxroom, especially as toys generally live downstairs until they're quite a bit older.

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 22:52

Yes, I have read the posts. I have said and I believe that she has TWO homes. But she has one main residence.

I am not perpetuating any myth thanks.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 26/08/2010 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 22:57

Good try Nemo, but your gavel use seemed to be premature.

FrameyMcFrame,I know that some toys would always inevitably be downstairs but I would prefer her to have a larger room as a base for her things.

I think it would be preferable for DSD to have a room that was just hers albeit a small one than for her larger room to get taken over by DDs toys if that is the route we go down instead.

OP posts:
cumfy · 26/08/2010 23:04

Glad to see so many viewpoints. All 2 of them!

Seems a really interesting question. Hope DSD might be open to discussing what might be an appropriate point in the future to swap. Answer could range 6 months to NEVER.....who knows. YANBU in expressing these views.

cath476 · 26/08/2010 23:07

Reddaisy,
I am in a similar position to and completely understand your viewpoint. I have just read this to DSD (15yo so admittedly a little older) and asked her opinion. She said she thought the fair thing to do was to let the little one have the big room as
"The DSD has her own space at home with her mum and all her stuff is there and DD has all her stuff at her home. It wouldn't bother me to have the smaller room cos we both have a room each. I wouldn't need a big room here. I do think DSD needs a room at her Dad's though cos when I come here I can have my own space away from the little ones but I don't care how big it is as long as it's mine. It's a good idea to decorate it though cos I feels more like it belongs to her then and it's not just a guest room. I wouldn't like the boys (my ds's) to play in my room when i'm not here though cos then it's not really private is it? It doesn't make me feel like you love me less than the boys because I have the smallest room, I just don't need as much space cos they've got loads of toys and I'm not here all the time. It wouldn't be such a big deal to me."
This is not a direct quote but she used words to this effect when we talked about it. Just thought you'd like to hear from the perspective of a teenage DSD. She really can be so lovely sometimes and we are very proud of her!

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 23:17

Cath476 that is lovely. What a considered answer from her. Thank you for her viewpoint, it is useful. I do think sometimes we underestimate teenagers. DSD is 14 next month so she might be approaching a time of more stable hormones or maybe not!

I would have felt the same at her age, the important thing for me would be that I had my own space where no-one EVER ENTERED than had a larger room which was a bit of a free for all.

And her older sister at her mum's house is basically living at her boyfriend's house now and only pops back a couple of times a month and DSD keeps complaining because she says it isn't fair because her older sister won't give up the biggest room there!

OP posts:
lilackaty · 26/08/2010 23:19

My xh's gf is about to have a baby. They live in a 3 bedroom house. Adults have biggest room, my 2 share a room and the baby will have its own room, which is the smallest room. My kids (10 yo g & 7yo b) are there 2 nights every 7. I am not sure how long they can be expected to share a room but in your case I would talk to dsd and the offer for her to decorate the room is a lovely one.

Nemofish · 26/08/2010 23:33

Yes reddaisy, obviously I wasn't meant for a career in gavelling, I will have to give up that dream. Smile

sanielle · 26/08/2010 23:35

reddaisy

I think you have 2 options.

  1. Wait until you have another dc

or

  1. Tell DSD that your DH will be needing office space now in the double bedroom, so her options are share with her dad or let her little sister share with dad.

This means at very least you get your dining room back and at best get dining room back and toddler in to new room. Your dsd will bitch and moan a bit about how life is unfair because teenagers do that, but she won't feel that she's lost out because of your dd which would cause resentment of you and her. She'll just think adults are rubbish. WHich she probably thinks anyway

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 23:37

It is a sad day but surely a gavel is too heavy for a little clown fish to lift anyway?

I have a little clown fish on my charm bracelet by the way - they are my favourite fish! And strangely aggressive in the ocean.

OP posts:
mumbar · 26/08/2010 23:38

I don't see why it would be a problem.

My friends got dsd who had her own box room to stay in when she visited. Then her and dh had dd2 who got the small room and dsd stays in dd1 room when she visits. She does not have a room of her own and visits every school holiday.

I asked dsd what she thought as shes down at the mo - told her about this thread - she said it doesn't bother her as she has her own room at mum and step dads. She said I bet if you explained to dsd the reasons - eg dd has more room to play, can have privacy as dd will be happy playing then she would be surprised if dsd had a problem.

BTW this girl is 11.

HTH

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 23:40

Sanielle, that is a good idea. Thanks. I think the whole space thing in general is really starting to bug me so getting something sorted with the dining room would definitely help.

OP posts:
mumeeee · 27/08/2010 00:16

YABU, A 13 year old needs her space and will spend much more time in her room then an 18month old. An 18month old should have most of her toys down stairs

Rockbird · 27/08/2010 01:16

YANBU. Surely your dsd would prefer a room of her own, without your wardrobe or your dd's toys or whatever stuck in it, her own room not a part time room.

And as the owner of a small house and a toddler I would love dd to have a big enough room to store all her junk in so I don't have to be tripping over it in the rest of the house.

You're not kicking her out on the street fgs, just giving her a room that doesn't have to double up as anything else. That's better not worse.

sapphireblue · 27/08/2010 07:29

I can understand why you want to swap, but you need to be very careful. DSD could end up feeling pushed out and sidelined now that you have your new baby. Have you discussed it with DSD to see what she thinks about it?

Rockbird · 27/08/2010 09:02

I bet if you told her that space is getting tight and she has the choice of the bigger room and sharing it or the smaller room that was totally hers she'll jump at the small room. I would have.

witch000 · 27/08/2010 13:08

YANBU !!

I'm sure if you asked her she wouldn't mind.
It does seem pointless for DSD too have the biggest room when she is hardly there.

ForestryTrees · 27/08/2010 13:24

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and this is why, when I leave DP and his child behind - I would never, EVER get with anyone that had children again. Way too complicated and I'd always want my own prioritised. Too many feelings of resentment, jealousy, bitterness, judgement - never again.

YANBU. The child that LIVES there should have the bigger bedroom IMO - but then I am a self confessed wicked stepmother so ...

BonniePrinceBilly · 27/08/2010 13:39

Those saying how dare you prioritise your DD over your DSD seem to have no problem with vice versa though? One little girl should have a tiny room while one big girl should have a big room in one house and presumably a good room in another house? And no-one should dare think of hurting her feelings by suggesting she might switch? Hmm

Treat them equally. By which I mean what would you do if she wasn't a DSD but a DD. In this case why not just ask her what she thinks about it?