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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my dd to have the biggest room?

181 replies

reddaisy · 26/08/2010 19:53

I want my 18-month-old dd to have the double bedroom in our home. She currently has the box room and her toys are ALL over the house and her clothes are in with mine.

DSD, 13, has the double second bedroom. And I want them to swap rooms. There is enough room for a bed, chest of drawers and we could put her television in there. She also doesn't spend much time in her room when she is here.

DP doesn't want them to swap because DSD is the eldest and he doesn't want to upset her I think.

Bit of background, when we moved into our three bed house DSD was with us for one full week out of two. And it was before we had dd. Now she is only with us on Wednesdays and every other weekend.

It bugs me that DD doesn't have a space to play and that the larger room is empty most of the time. So, aibu?

OP posts:
JustKeepSwimming · 26/08/2010 20:17

I can see your logic, really I can, but no.

The main logical objection is that toddlers don't play nicely upstairs in their rooms anyway, however much you might want them to :)

If there is lots of wardrobe space in DSD's room then i think it's perfectly reasonable to use some of that for DD (maybe her 'out-of-season' stuff?), though obv not popping in and out for stuff when she's there.

As others have said, in a few years time when DD would actually appreciate the extra space, DSD will probably not be coming as much as she does now and you can have a more rational discussion with her then.

SocialButterfly · 26/08/2010 20:18

I think its just the way it goes, DD2 has about 4 times the amount of toys DD1 has - well they all take up more room - massive barbie house v's a Nintendo DSI if you see what I mean, but she is in the box room because she is the youngest and we just work round it.

I think you may have had a case if you had discussed it when you moved in to the house but to ask her to move now would be unfair and make her feel second best.

SocialButterfly · 26/08/2010 20:19

Sorry just re read you moved before you had your DD - in which case think its just tough luck.

mazzystartled · 26/08/2010 20:19

yab wildly u
your dd can have it in 5 years when dsd is off to uni or whatever.

FerminaUrbinoDaza · 26/08/2010 20:20

YABU and YANBU. It's up to your DSD really.

There would have to be of her own free will or it'll cause awful resentment to her step-sister. You need to have an (as) adult (as possible) discussion with her about it. explain that there is a pressing practical/organisational problem that the family need to find a solution too(toys).

I'd go along the lines of we need to solve this, so, how would you feel about swapping rooms with my DD? How about us putting some storage for my DD's toys in your room? Ask if she has any ideas herself. Make it clear that her feelings on the subject are important and will be respected.

Maybe she allowing her to choose the decor would be an incentive?

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 20:20

Skidoodly, actually I disagree. My daughter is my priority and my DSD is DP and his ex wife's priority. That is not to say that her needs aren't important to me and in no way is she a "poor child."

The very reason I am on here posting is to get objective views as I realise I can be biased towards my daughter and my DP is very prone to putting DSD first when she is with us so that she is happy.

I think maybe I will either speak to her - we have regular family "meetings", or I might leave it as it isn't a big enough issue whilst DD is so young.

We can't extend as we are in a rented house. If we could find the money to move then that would be the perfect solution!

OP posts:
FerminaUrbinoDaza · 26/08/2010 20:21

...solution to (toy storage)...

skidoodly · 26/08/2010 20:21

You are trying to make this decision about numbers and logic because they are on your side, but really this is about feelings.

What you propose to do will hurt a young girl's feelings and make her (correctly, it would seem) feel pushed out. The only beneficiary of this new arrangement will be you. Your DD is too young to notice or care.

Basically you want to make her sad so your house will be a bit tidier. Or more accurately because you want the "hierarchy" you mention to reflect the new order, ie that you and your dd are more important.

mamatomany · 26/08/2010 20:22

And what if the step daughter doesn't go to Uni, or stays at home to study ? Is this poor child stuck in the box room at 15 whilst her 25 year old sister is occasionally popping home, after all it's her room ?

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/08/2010 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hairytriangle · 26/08/2010 20:24

YABVVVVVVVVVVU! Doing this would qualify you as a wicked stepmother at least in your DSD eyes.

emmyloulou · 26/08/2010 20:24

Skidoodly, actually I disagree. My daughter is my priority and my DSD is DP and his ex wife's priority

That is why you are being vu, you will be pushing her out she is a teen and will know this.

Tippychoocks · 26/08/2010 20:24

I don't think it's that U. I gave my daughter the biggest room as her stuff is chunky Grin, I am allowed to spread myself all over the house so it makes sense I have the smallest room. I am always baffled (sorry, tangent) by parents who hav ea big master bedroom just for sleeping and cram children into smaller spaces. Lego takesup space, peopleGrin.

Talk to your DSD in one of your meetings and suggest swapping all the rooms, yours included, as DD doesn't have enough space. Hopefully she will then suggest herself that she have the smaller room. If she's got any sense though, she'll get a lovely re-dec and nice things thrown into the deal Smile

JustKeepSwimming · 26/08/2010 20:24

If you think of them as if both your own children then the eldest would probably have had the bigger room, younger the smaller one.

You may have put them together in the bigger room, possibly, or not (friend of mine is keeping her 2 DDs separate, younger one in boxroom), and just dealt with the toys as other people do.

But when the eldest left for uni/left home, there would probably have been a discussion about younger moving into the bigger room - pretty sure that's normal.

lulabellamozerella · 26/08/2010 20:25

When I was at school, one of my close friends was made to swap rooms with her half sister when she was 14 I think. Her half sister got the bedroom she'd had ever since her parents had split up 9 years earlier and she got the smaller room. Her half sister was 3 months old in a double bedroom.... she never got on with her DSMum again and decided she didn't want to stay over there again as she felt unwanted. However, I do see that your situation is slightly different so I think your family meeting idea is a good one.

Tootlesmummy · 26/08/2010 20:25

It isn't a competition between you and your husband about who is the highest priority. When you married DH you knew he had a DD and you therefore should treat them all the same.

skidoodly · 26/08/2010 20:26

If she's not your priority then stop calling yourself her stepmother. You're just her father's girlfriend.

corriefan · 26/08/2010 20:26

YANBU unless dsd is particularly insecure, she must have a bedroom at her mum's house that she considers home?
For me going to my dad's for weekends my brother and I were in a spare room with bunkbeds and took clothing for the night and we would have slept where we were told! I'm sure dsd will understand, small children's toys take up much more room and your dd is there 24/7.

FerminaUrbinoDaza · 26/08/2010 20:27

Skidoodly, actually I disagree. My daughter is my priority and my DSD is DP and his ex wife's priority

YABtotallyandutterlyU

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/08/2010 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucyLouLou · 26/08/2010 20:27

Since you've admitted your DD is a priority over your DSD, I think you are even more unreasonable. You may just be coming across badly, but it sounds like you would prefer your DD to have the room regardless of the circumstances....Hmm

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 20:27

Sorry, I really don't have two equal children. My dp does. I have a daughter I have born and I have a stepdaughter I met when she was 10. I love them both but it is highly unrealistic for me to feel the same about them.

I do love DSD and yes our relationship can be extremely complicated sometimes but in no way would I want her to feel pushed out. And I strive every day to do the best by her. I had a stepfather so I know how stepchildren feel. So I will say it again, the whole reason I am posting is to have objective views on whether I am being unreasonable.

It doesn't help matters that DP now works from home and has taken over the dining room so that we can't sit and eat as a family anymore.

OP posts:
Tootlesmummy · 26/08/2010 20:30

It's not about feeling the same about them it's about treating them the same and making them feel that they're equal in your house.

Morloth · 26/08/2010 20:30

Don't do it, it will just cause upset.

Hurt her feelings for some extra storage space? Crazy talk.

LucyLouLou · 26/08/2010 20:31

What Tootles said.