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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my dd to have the biggest room?

181 replies

reddaisy · 26/08/2010 19:53

I want my 18-month-old dd to have the double bedroom in our home. She currently has the box room and her toys are ALL over the house and her clothes are in with mine.

DSD, 13, has the double second bedroom. And I want them to swap rooms. There is enough room for a bed, chest of drawers and we could put her television in there. She also doesn't spend much time in her room when she is here.

DP doesn't want them to swap because DSD is the eldest and he doesn't want to upset her I think.

Bit of background, when we moved into our three bed house DSD was with us for one full week out of two. And it was before we had dd. Now she is only with us on Wednesdays and every other weekend.

It bugs me that DD doesn't have a space to play and that the larger room is empty most of the time. So, aibu?

OP posts:
skidoodly · 26/08/2010 20:49

Well when there is another child it will be the obvious thing to do.

RedRosie · 26/08/2010 20:50

Perhaps you ARE A Wicked Step Mother after all ...

Be kind to her. It pays off in the end.

Can't you just leave it for two or three more years? I value my relationship with my DSD very highly, and would never have risked it in this way.

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 20:50

There is already a computer desk in DSDs room which she used to use for homework when she was with us more often and DP uses the dining table to spread his work out so apparently him working up there is no good Hmm

OP posts:
Tootlesmummy · 26/08/2010 20:51

Agreed SGM.

witlesssarah · 26/08/2010 20:52

As a child of divorce I can't tell you how important it was to me to have my bedroom in my dad's house, despite the fact that I only came every second weekend. It still makes a difference to me (35 years later) that my stepmother decorated it for me as a surprise before she had decorated the rest of the house when they first moved in. I understand your practical concerns, and keep it under review but at this tricky time (13 and with a newish sister) you're in a position to make a real difference to her relationship with you and with her father.

skidoodly · 26/08/2010 20:54

Well if he needs a dining-room sized table to spread his work out on, he'd never be able to work in the confines of the boxroom :o

That would drive me bonkers. Tell him it will be good mental discipline not to take up so much space.

spikeycow · 26/08/2010 20:55

Do you think she'd be open to the idea of moving now or soon?

nancydrewrocked · 26/08/2010 20:59

skidoodly speaks sense.

Tippychoocks · 26/08/2010 21:03

Your DD could have the dining room a a bedroom so that she can play in her room on the same level as you in the kitchen/wherever.
Though I wouldn't like sleeping on a different floor from mine. hmmmm (thinks)

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 21:10

No-one is moving downstairs to the dining room. All children are sleeping on the same floor as the adults. I wouldn't let either of them sleep next to the front door a floor below us.

Spikeycow - I don't know whether she would be open to moving or not.

I will speak to DP and either we will agree to drop it and wait for a couple of years/new baby or bring it up at a family meeting and let it be discussed openly where something whether it is storage/swapping etc has to be decided.

OP posts:
skidoodly · 26/08/2010 21:10

No, dining room bedrooms are terrible. They're even shit in a student house share. Don't DO IT! (as my 2 yo DD would say).

I actually think it's a quite unreasonable of your DP to be insisting that he takes up so much family space when there is an available desk upstairs that he could easily use.

MoralDefective · 26/08/2010 21:12

DSD is as much your DP's priority as his daughter with you is,he has to treat them equally as is appropriate to their age and needs....imho..when you got with him you knew he had his daughter and she comes even before you,dsd comes as part of the package and should keep her own room....it's hard enough being 13 without feeling 2nd best to your half sister

LucyLouLou · 26/08/2010 21:15

I get the impression you expected people to agree with you reddaisy....has your POV changed at all?

RedRosie · 26/08/2010 21:21

I second LucyLouLou.

Please think again.

harassedinherpants · 26/08/2010 21:21

YANBU.

My dsd is 11 (almost 12)and doesn't have her own room at our house, in fact her bed folds up under dd's when she's not here! Neither does she keep anything here. Her choice not ours, it's just always been that way. She has storage space in the room she shares with dd (4) but she never uses it. She refers to her mums house as home, she has her own bedroom and her own stuff there and she brings what she wants with her when she comes ever other weekend. That's how she seems to like it.

Dd has been in the smallest room since she was born, and my ds2 (14 when dd was born) had the 2nd double room. When he started using the the house as a b & b, as teenagers do, I asked him to move into the smallest room and he did. He didn't feel pushed out or that I didn't care for him!

Neither dsd or ds2 (ds1 left home) have felt left out!

Also, I refer to my sd as my sd because that is what she is, equally she refers to me as her step mum, because that's what I am! Of course I love my own children more than I love sd, and equally she loves her mum more than me. It's ridiculous to flame the op for saying such! Loving your children is a natural thing, but loving step children is something that has to be worked at....

skidoodly · 26/08/2010 21:23

You don't have to love them the same, but you should realise that they are all equally important and treat them as such.

Prioritising some children in the family over others is horrible.

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 21:24

Hmmm. I still think I am right! But, I did expect more people to agree with me.

I think it has been quite a controversial topic and one that people who have not been a stepparent, stepchild, or are living in some kind of blended family will ever fully be able to understand.

And it has made me consider the fact that the move could cause damage which I absolutely do not want to do.

The thread has probably made me think that a discussion is the way forward as opposed to me and DP making a decision and imposing it.

Perhaps I could ask for a bigger house with equal size bedrooms in the mumsnet xmas appeal?!

OP posts:
LilyBolero · 26/08/2010 21:25

I totally don't get the 'oldest child gets the biggest room' argument - why does the oldest child have this privilege? Given that an average age difference is 2 years, this means that throughout childhood the eldest is 'favoured' - how truly medieval!

We split the rooms as needed - so dd has the smallest room, but has it to herself, the 2 older boys share the biggest room, the baby boy shares with us. When we do the loft, the 3 boys will all go in the loft.

OP - I don't think you are being unreasonable at all - it makes a lot of sense to actually use the space more practically. What about having a whole sale shift around - so dd goes in your room, you and dh go in dsd's room and dsd has the smaller room , but gets to redecorate it etc. It needn't feel like rejection to dsd, it's just sensible!

Fwiw, all of mine have played in their rooms as toddlers.

QueeferSutherland · 26/08/2010 21:31

I don't think yabu!

The double room is only in use a couple of days a week.
Soon DD will want sleepovers.

Iwould talk to DSD and ask her if she would move, but make her think it's her idea to move rooms. Sweeten the deal with the promise of a new docking station or TV. Can you put a 'phone in the boxroom?

When my ex's Dad had a new baby with a new woman, the baby was put into a double bedroom and ex and his twin brother were put into a teeny tiny boxroom. More like a cupboard. That was U.

MoralDefective · 26/08/2010 21:33

Surely working at loving your step children means just that,working hard to make them feel welcome and loved and wanted,sometimes going that extra mile in order to do so.If she doesn't mind moving then that's fine,but it is still her home aswell....I'm not going to 'flame' the op,just to suggest it's never easy to be 13.

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 21:35

Skidoodly, they are both equally as important to DP but not to me.

I will reiterate that it does not mean that she is not important in our house and I do love her but quite unlike the love I feel for dd.

We are quite sensible, for example DD had about £20 spent on her at xmas because we were strapped for cash and she didn't know what xmas was and DD got quite a lot spent on her.

It did make me sad that dd did not have lavish gifts but she did not need them I thought it would have been churlish to have spent exactly the same on them. And that was a joint decision by me and DP, so sometimes DSD is prioritised in our house.

And I do not have equal say or authority over DSD, so it works both ways. Her mum and dad make decisions for her, I have a say but they have the final word which is how it should be even if I don't always agree.

But my biological children will always be my priority. And actually since I acknowledged that and accepted that it has made relations between us more comfortable.

OP posts:
FrameyMcFrame · 26/08/2010 21:38

yabu,
my toddler doesn't even have his own room yet, doesn't need one, he plays downstairs.

cat64 · 26/08/2010 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 21:42

MoralD, It definitely isn't easy being 13 and she already can be prone to thinking the world is against her so maybe waiting would help that.

And DP moving out of the dining room is a whole other thread.

OP posts:
honie · 26/08/2010 21:45

I think no one can say if you are bu, your dsd might love the idea of a freshly decorated bedroom, in the boxroom!

Talk to her!