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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my dd to have the biggest room?

181 replies

reddaisy · 26/08/2010 19:53

I want my 18-month-old dd to have the double bedroom in our home. She currently has the box room and her toys are ALL over the house and her clothes are in with mine.

DSD, 13, has the double second bedroom. And I want them to swap rooms. There is enough room for a bed, chest of drawers and we could put her television in there. She also doesn't spend much time in her room when she is here.

DP doesn't want them to swap because DSD is the eldest and he doesn't want to upset her I think.

Bit of background, when we moved into our three bed house DSD was with us for one full week out of two. And it was before we had dd. Now she is only with us on Wednesdays and every other weekend.

It bugs me that DD doesn't have a space to play and that the larger room is empty most of the time. So, aibu?

OP posts:
warthog · 26/08/2010 21:46

i think you're very realistic.

i see your point about room sizes.

but seriously - bide your time until your 2nd dc comes along. then you will have a very clear case. she might even offer to move. but don't do it before then. put a chest of toys in her room and leave it at that.

LucyLouLou · 26/08/2010 21:47

Again, reddaisy, you may just be coming across badly, but your attitude to your DSD is really quite upsetting. Even if it was definitively fairer for your DSD to have the bigger room, it sounds like you'd still want your DD to have it, simply by virtue of the fact that she is your DD. Apologies if I've got that wrong, but from your posts, it seems like that's the crux of this and that's quite disturbing to me. This situation is not about who you love more, or who you have the right to love more if you like, it's about treating the DCs fairly, and it doesn't really sound like you even think you should. Difficult situation, I quite agree, but I'm finding it hard to have much sympathy for your perspective.

MoralDefective · 26/08/2010 21:47

I agree with cat64...don't think i would rock the boat:)

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 21:48

She wouldn't be playing up there on her own, but it would be a base for all her stuff. And 18month olds have a lot of stuff.

I think maybe I should organise a site visit for a group of randomly selected mnetters and then maybe you would see what I mean?!

OP posts:
bumpsoon · 26/08/2010 21:48

I dont think from a practical point of view that you are being unreasonable ,infact i cannot work out why anyone would think you were ? However how you go about the room swap is very important indeed ,you need your dsd on board 100% before going ahead with it and tbh at 13 she shouldnt be too difficult to bribe Grin

MoralDefective · 26/08/2010 21:50

ooooh ...can i come?Grin..i'll bring the cake

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 21:51

LucyLou, I think you are getting that impression because I am not being apologetic about feeling differently about them both.

And you are wrong, I am on here to ensure that they are treated fairly. Not to convince strangers that I am being reasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 21:52

Moraldefective, defintely bring some cake. I missed out on some battenberg at work today due to a meeting that overran. That has distressed me more than the room situation, maybe I should post about that instead Grin

OP posts:
DinahRod · 26/08/2010 21:52

My older two are 6 & 4 and it's only in the last year that they have been playing up in their bedrooms rather than around our feet. So I reckon you have another 3 or 4 years before you need to make the room swap an official one by which time she will be thinking college/uni etc and is often the time when bedrooms get reassigned in any family.

But like the others have suggested, talk to DSD.

Tillyscoutsmum · 26/08/2010 21:53

I don't think YABU. Your dd is there every night. Your dsd is only there 1-2 nights per week. She presumably has a bedroom at her mum's house and doesn't have or need that much stuff at her dads. It is much more practical for her to have the smaller room.

It makes no sense for your dsd to have the bigger room. There is a real step mother bashing mentality on MN sometimes Hmm

Bink · 26/08/2010 21:53
  1. Dp asks his daughter if he can use her room as a workroom when she's not there. Dp gets big table to work at & puts in big room. (All parties aware that on Wednesdays, when dsd is using the big room, they might have to eat in the kitchen/round the TV.)
  1. OP gets nice big toy chest and puts it in dining room for dd's toys.

Solved.

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 21:53

Uh oh, I just realised I will probably get accused of caring more for cake than dsd now. To prempt any suggestion of that, I love cake more than dsd and dd Grin

OP posts:
MoralDefective · 26/08/2010 21:54

But you did ask if we thought you were being unreasonableConfused

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 21:56

And I also can spell definitely btw. I typed too quickly in a previous post. Can't be a wicked stepmother and a poor speller. It would be too much!

OP posts:
Laska · 26/08/2010 21:57

I think you need to be extremely careful when handling step kids (having been one myself). Anything that makes her feel pushed out could well sour your relationship with her forever.

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 21:59

Moral Defective, Yes I asked. I thought and think I am being reasonable.

I asked to see if others thought I was BU. I didn't post to convince others of my viewpoint is what I mean, I posted to gather opinions and mull them and the situation over which I intend to do.

So thanks to everyone who has posted. It has made for thought provoking reading.

OP posts:
foreverastudent · 26/08/2010 22:02

2 words - boarding school Grin

LucyLouLou · 26/08/2010 22:05

No, I'm getting that impression because of the way you talk about prioritising the DCs. Loving your DD more than your DSD is completely distinct from the way you treat and prioritise the children, that's down to a conscious knowledge of what is fair (or rather should be), how you love them is down to emotion, which you can't rationalise.

I don't think you're a wicked stepmother at all, I think the fact that you're asking the question in the beginning is good, but I just don't think this was ever a genuine dilemma for you, it seems more that your attitude was "this is how I think and I want you all to back me up and I won't really care if you disagree". That probably sounds quite harsh, but that's what I'm getting from your posts....

JeMeSouviens · 26/08/2010 22:05

YANBU, we had DSD swap to the smaller room as she was with us alternate weekends, it made sense. If she were with us full time, sure as the eldest she'd have the bigger room. We decorated it very nicely, and even though she commented it was very small, she accepted it the reasoning behind it.

SlackSally · 26/08/2010 22:13

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I agree that your DD won't need the bigger room for a while, so it makes sense not to rock the boat for a couple of years. But if and when she does, it makes perfect sense to move DSD into the smaller room.

She's not often there and she has her own room (presumably) at her mum's. I'm sure overall she'd still have more space.

Like an earlier poster, I've never understood the idea that the eldest automatically gets the larger room. Why? Talk about prioritising one child over another...

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 22:13

If I didn't care if you disagreed, why would I post at all? If I wanted people to agree with me, I would ask my RL friends who would not be objective.

I knew it was a controversial topic so I knew there would be strong feelings either way. I posted to get a selection of views and I think it is divided. Although clearly more people think I am BU.

The thread has digressed into other areas which is where you are right, I don't really care what posters think - only we know how things regarding priority work in this house.

I think my suggestion is logical but I am willing to accept that it could pose problems and that will influence how DP and I move/decide not to move this issue forward.

It isn't a dilemma for me, you are right again. I know what I think is the "right" choice for me. But I am the matriarch of a family, I need to do what is right for all.

OP posts:
Nemofish · 26/08/2010 22:31
Jenbot · 26/08/2010 22:34

I think you should leave dsd in the bigger room for a couple of years. Just thought I would add my vote that way!

SingleMumAndProud · 26/08/2010 22:34

Could you not swap rooms with her? I have a very small bedroom and the biggest room in the house is for my 2 toddlers to share and have all their crap in. Works really well for me as all I need is a bed and a wardrobe.

logi · 26/08/2010 22:35

You are not being unreasonable...i would swop bedrooms i assume your dsd belongings are at her home(mums),why should your dd be in a small room when there is a bigger room left empty most of the time....swop.

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