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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my dd to have the biggest room?

181 replies

reddaisy · 26/08/2010 19:53

I want my 18-month-old dd to have the double bedroom in our home. She currently has the box room and her toys are ALL over the house and her clothes are in with mine.

DSD, 13, has the double second bedroom. And I want them to swap rooms. There is enough room for a bed, chest of drawers and we could put her television in there. She also doesn't spend much time in her room when she is here.

DP doesn't want them to swap because DSD is the eldest and he doesn't want to upset her I think.

Bit of background, when we moved into our three bed house DSD was with us for one full week out of two. And it was before we had dd. Now she is only with us on Wednesdays and every other weekend.

It bugs me that DD doesn't have a space to play and that the larger room is empty most of the time. So, aibu?

OP posts:
RedRosie · 26/08/2010 20:31

I don't think that the OP is an Evil Stepmother at all. I on the other hand ... Wink

But it WOULD be unkind to move a teenager. Please don't. Sad

She will only be staying with you for a few more years. My own DSD (now 22, and we are pathetically grateful to see her at all these days) often brought a friend to stay at this age - which was good for her and allowed us (especially her Dad) to meet them as DSD lives 200 miles away. It was lovely to have her room full (they take up so much space, and travel with so much STUFF!) of lovely teenage girls.

Please think again OP. It won't be forever.

spikeycow · 26/08/2010 20:32

This is why I wouldn't be able to step parent. I would want my child to be the priority. I don't think it's fair that the resident child has the boxroom actually but it's a bit of a what can you do situation. Which you already know. I'd resent it massively.

LittleSarah · 26/08/2010 20:32

Stewie - Good point, I've been thinking about when ds gets older and how we would work out our space, I'd happily have smaller room and give larger ones to dcs.

Rollercoasteryears · 26/08/2010 20:33

I'm astonished by the number of people who think you are being unreasonable. You're not.

When you moved in, it made perfect sense - your DSD lived there as much as she lived with her mother. She doesn't any more. Her primary home is now with her mother and she's with you a minority of the time.

I don't have DSCs but I did spend my teenage years staying periodically at my remarried dad's house and his three younger children all had their own rooms - I slept on a blow up bed in a spare room which was used as a utility room and was filled with junk. Not exactly welcoming, but I knew it wasn't my home. It would have been nice for it to have been made a bit more homely, but I never thought I had equivalent room rights to the children who lived there all the time.

I do agree with two points that others have made:

  1. There probably isn't any urgency - you could do it in a couple of years when DD really does play in her room; and
  1. It would need to be handled carefully and with the involvement of DSD - I like the idea of explaining the practical problems to her and asking her if she'd mind swapping rooms or if not, then having a toy chest in her room - you might find she actually prefers to have a smaller room which really is all hers and which she gets to redecorate...
LittleSarah · 26/08/2010 20:33

For me it is the age thing. At only 18 months it makes no difference to OP's dd, only to the OP herself. I would wait, broach it in a few years when it might be the most practical approach.

glasscompletelybroken · 26/08/2010 20:33

reddaisy I'm sorry you have had such a lot of negative responses - you may have done better to post this on the stepparenting page where people would actually have some idea where you're coming from. I don't think you are being at all unreasonable but it would need handling very carefully. It would be different if your DSD lived with you full time but it's a waste of a room at the moment. All teenagers want to do is lie on their beds and watch TV anyway - you don't need a big room for that!
I completely understand your feelings and think most other step-mums would as well - even if they didn't go as far as agreeing with you!

skidoodly · 26/08/2010 20:34

Also I don't see why not moving the rooms now means they have to stay as they are until the DP's daughter leaves home.

If we were talking about a child of primary school age and a teenager who stayed a few nights a week then I think the priorities would be different.

By the time this girl is 15 or 16 she will be much easier to talk to about things like this and far less likely to be upset about it.

I would leave it a few years until it actually matters where your DD sleeps. At the moment it really doesn't, so making the move now looks petty.

sorrento56 · 26/08/2010 20:35

Talk to your dsd and ask how she feels about changing her room.

puddlepuss · 26/08/2010 20:35

OP, your feelings are honest and natural. When I nannied I thought I loved the kids I looked after but then I had my own and I realised there was no comparison. I love my dh to the ends of the earth but it's nothing compared to what I feel for my children. The important thing is that you accept and encourage that both children are your dp's proirty - the fact that you are putting so much thought into this decision says to me that you do.

foreverastudent · 26/08/2010 20:35

How bib is DSD's room in her Mum's house? Surely most of her stuff is kept there and her room at yours is mostly empty?

Are you planning on any more DCs? I take it if you did then those 2 would share the big room and DSD would get the boxroom?

It sounds as though there is more to this than rooms. Do you feel like your DP prioritises his DD over you and yours? Because if this is the case then you both need to work it out, a room swap alone wont do it.

Nemofish · 26/08/2010 20:39

Oh yes step parenting topic would have been better, not AIBU!

If you love your dsd, and enjoy being able to spend time with an older child who isn't as demanding as an 18 month old, and can talk about music and teen crap things, and you love her and have a good relationship - then moving rooms and bribing with redecoration won't harm that.

We did that with dsd and dd and it didn't harm their relationship / our relationship at all. In fact dsd is a sweetie who will let dd into her room to pilfer her lego and pinch her cuddly toys! Grin

TrillianAstra · 26/08/2010 20:39

I am the oldest and my brother had the bigger room, because smaller children 'play' more.

Have an adult discussion with your DSD, regarding how much space they each needs, ans offer redecoration and new stuff as an incentive to move when your DD is big enough to play on her own in a room. There is no reason to swap the rooms now.

Nemofish · 26/08/2010 20:40
Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 20:41

I posted it in AIBU because if I had posted it on stepparenting then only stepparents would have replied and actually I wanted to get a broader feel of whether I was BU or not.

And to the poster who said if they were both my children then the youngest would have the smaller room then that is not the case. If they were both my children I would put them in together and move DP out of the dining room and into the boxroom with his work stuff so we can eat around the table as a family every evening. And if they were both my children the rooms would be in use every night.

And I didn't "admit" to not prioritising DSD. I stated it quite openly. My DSD does have her mum's house where she spends most of her time so I'm sure she considers that to be home.

I definitely do not want to store up resentment for the future from my dsd so I maybe we can discuss as some posters have suggested so we are not imposing a decision on her.

There is so much emotion attached to such decisions that I still believe my idea is more logical but I realise that might not prevent it from being damaging.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 26/08/2010 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleSarah · 26/08/2010 20:42

Wait. I really think wait.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/08/2010 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 26/08/2010 20:44

Just give it a couple of years reddaisy, a 16yo is completely different to a 14yo and a 3/4yo will actually be able to appreciate/use the space more.

Your DH's crap is another story and has nothing to do with step families because we too suffer from DH's crap all over the place.

RonansMummy · 26/08/2010 20:44

I'd ask DSD, she might not have a problem with it, especially with the option of redecorating.

If she objects could you move YOUR bed into the box room and give DD your double room? You could keep your clothes in DD or DSD room.

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 20:44

For info, she has a room of knick knacks, clothes etc at our house. We have always provided everything so she doesn't have to be transient in our home with a bag full of clothes from her mum's house. When she needs something, we get it for her.

And she lounges on her bed most of the time when she is in her room, I just thought that would be easy enough to do in the boxroom Wink

OP posts:
skidoodly · 26/08/2010 20:47

For the moment, could your DP make some space for himself in his DD's room when she's not there?

As in, leave her in the big room but let it also be used as his workspace?

Getting him out of the dining room seems more of a priority than giving a double bedroom to a toddler.

If there are genuine problems with space for the family, then of course she must compromise.

I just don't see how putting the baby into her room is going to solve anything.

Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 20:47

Yes I think I will wait. We are planning another child and then I would probably still suggest DSD had the boxroom and the baby shared with DD. Because DSD would appreciate the privacy of having her own room more than the little ones.

OP posts:
Original poster
reddaisy · 26/08/2010 20:48

And, it is a box room. There is no way it would fit a double bed and therefore me and DP in it. So that suggestion is out.

OP posts:
MoralDefective · 26/08/2010 20:48

Oldest kid gets the biggest room....always has been in my family...18 old month doesn't care but 13 year old does...i only got the big room when my brother left home,and did't expect it earlier....yabu....our two boys shared the biggest bedroom for years,DP and i had the middle size and DD had the smallest...one double bed took up less space than two singles and we were tidier and spent less time upstairs in our room.

corriefan · 26/08/2010 20:49

Stewie- I was like that, my mum's was home and my dad's was my dad's and his wife's where we stayed sometimes. Not calling my dad's 'home' wasn't sad for me at all(although there were other issues with step-parents). My dad has always been my dad, no doubt about it and we are still very close, we've just been on holiday together, but home was at my mum's. I can remember feeling sorry for friends who chopped and changed between parents all the time and would go and live with one when the other pissed them off or whatever. Are children really so fragile?