shit-stained pants left on kitchen floor

[YesBut]

Am I unreasonable to find this offensive?

yesbut

God when you've been in an abusive situation for so long it's very hard to see your situation as abuse and you make so many excuses to not end the relationship which others may take to mean that your situation is either not that bad or you are not doing your duty to your kids.

But that's not it - I think that after years of putting up with shit you either normalise it or have such low self esteem that you cannot cope with idea of being treated with respect.

I think that Women's aid is free from a landline - please go back to your friend and hold on the line - alternatively email them. You need help.

You say the kids have a good relationship with him - they can continue to do so. But are you sure that this good relationship is for real or rather that they try to please him.

You are sleeping on a windowsill in your own home. Please please do not normalise this.

There a book called 'why does he do that - inside the minds of controlling and angry men' - it's by Lundy Bandcroft (I think). What's great about this book is that if you are in a situation where you are unsure if it is abuse it makes our situation pretty clear pretty quickly.

Wishing you the best of help in real life.

The relationship is over. There is no relationship in any way, shape or form. It's just the logistics of separation that complicate things. Oh, and the fact that I am a useless coward.

Thanks for the book recommendation, I will look for it in the library.

You're not a coward. It IS hard to see the wood from the trees when you're in the situation.

It's easy for people to say 'I wouldb't put up with that' - 'kick him out' - 'you need to think of your children' - but it's not easy and thinking of your children is probably what has stopped you leaving him before.

But it's certainly doable.

bloody hell this happened to my mate few yrs ago bit more complicated but they were married and joint owners,we tried everything from me being there all the time with my dcs to her going out loads and leaving him with kids.He stuck it out and she moved out for her own sanity in the end. He didnt leave skiddy pants on the floor tho.I realise there are loads of reasons to stay but even more to clear off. If the law wont help you then you may have to. Dont waste yours and the kids lives living like this. I left my ex very violent partner 23 yrs ago at 19 with 2 kids have never looked back. Had to start again and live in unsuitable places for a while but we were all together and safe.Good luck and dont wash his bloody clothes.

YesBut.

I do not mean this to be hurtful, although it is not going to sound good. I have been guilty of the same thing myself, and it's a mistake a lot of women make besides you and me.

You are not a useless coward. You are neither useless or a coward. What you are is someone who is fooling herself that you have even the smallest bit of control over the situation. You have convinced yourself that sleeping on the windowsill will protect you from rape. You have convinced yourself that not making waves will spare you from dealing with any kind of ruckus your H wants to create. You have convinced yourself that you are responsible for the quality of the relationship between the DCs and their father.

You have adopted a coping mechanism, as many women do, because if you were to allow yourself to see the thinness of the thread by which you are hanging, and the children too, it would paralyse you with terror.

You are as free from immediate danger as he chooses to allow. You can do or say nothing to diminish the threat he poses to you, or increase the threat he poses to you. He does as he pleases, and he will do it without regard to your behaviour or your words. You have absolutely no control or influence over the situation. You are living on a leash.

This may seem stark, and I hope I have not been brutal. You need to go to WA or Refuge and start to build up your self again, start to trust your own perceptions, and start feeling on your own behalf again.

xxxx

From Women's Aid site:
Unfortunately calls are not free from any mobile but the Helpline is a freephone number from any landline or public telephone. Calls to the Helpline made on Orange, Virgin and 3 networks do not show up on your phone bill. Other networks are also working towards this, but you will need to check with their customer services team if you are concerned.

I don't know what network you're on, but Virgin has a list of charity numbers that are free on Virgin. Women's Aid isn't on there, but there's some other organisations that might be relevant to you.

www.virginmobile.com/vm/genericContent.do?contentId=freephone.charities.helplines.howdoi.sm117

Some are national (Refuge- 08088089999), and some are local domestic violence helplines.