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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

shit-stained pants left on kitchen floor

183 replies

YesBut · 20/08/2010 11:23

Am I unreasonable to find this offensive?

OP posts:
YesBut · 20/08/2010 22:48

I can stand on my own 2 feet, just the escaping and confrontation I struggle with. Because it's sp complicated with kids. If it was just me, I couldwalk away any time.

OP posts:
Nemofish · 20/08/2010 22:51

I could cope with a bit of fucking swearing. I am quite sure your friend meant the offer and had thought about it first... I certainly would (think about it and mean it)

Don't suppose you are in Yorkshire?

Spacehopper5 · 20/08/2010 22:52

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YesBut · 20/08/2010 22:54

Unfortunately not Nemofish, we are in thesouthwest. I could pop dd1 in the post to you though...

OP posts:
YesBut · 20/08/2010 22:56

Spacehopper, I took the kids away for a week and they were all calmer, esp ds1, so sweet and concernedabout me and supportive. So often at home he ends up sounding like his dad.

OP posts:
Nemofish · 20/08/2010 22:57

Nah, stupid postie will only leave her in the recycle bin and forget to put a card in the letterbox again...

FWIW I would have offered my services as chauffeur for a rescue operation to your mates house Smile

BeerTricksPotter · 20/08/2010 23:01

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Spacehopper5 · 20/08/2010 23:02

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swallowedAfly · 20/08/2010 23:04

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Spacehopper5 · 20/08/2010 23:08

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Spacehopper5 · 20/08/2010 23:13

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Spacehopper5 · 20/08/2010 23:14

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swallowedAfly · 20/08/2010 23:22

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brightongirldownunder · 20/08/2010 23:30

Yesbut - you have lots of good friends. We all care about you. You are an amazing mother, especially considering what you've had to cope with. You must confront this situation now, before it sends you back to that horrible dark place you were in.
I can totally understand why you don't want to leave the security of the village, but please don't let this monster of a man put you through any more crap.
You've done so well so far and life could be so much better if you just got him out of your life for good. Follow the advice given here and stay in touch with your buddies.
xx

mathanxiety · 20/08/2010 23:40

It's all truly horrible. And it's abuse, and your children are suffering too.

Take your time to get organised, go to WA and talk with them, or to Refuge. Make plans, take steps. Take your documents like birth certs and school and medical records to your trusted friend's house, plus financial records and lease agreements, records wrt your car if you have one.

I think if your friend said you were welcome, she meant you were welcome warts and all, and I'd be willing to bet she knows your DS swears, and has taken that into account. My guess is she is very worried about you or she wouldn't have offered.

The first thing to attend to is the strengthening of you, because your children need you to be strong, so a few sessions of talking to someone from WA might really help here.

Ask for help with finding alternative housing or at least knowing what your options might be from your local CAB -- they will tell you how to go about finding somewhere else or maybe even getting the H out of where you are, which might suit you better. You will have to be prepared to make some compromises and do the best you can with what lands in your lap when this point comes. So you need to be mentally prepared to take the leap. Once you have taken even a few mental and physical steps towards freedom you will feel stronger.

gtamom · 21/08/2010 08:41

You are doing more harm to those children by staying there than you would be by moving them. You have a friend who offered to let you stay. Basically, you have an out and are ignoring it. Think of your poor children, not how hard it will be.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/08/2010 10:45

Sorry for the harsh tone of this post but i think the situation requires it.

Im sorry, but you are an adult with free choice, (whether you exercise that right or not is your choice) i just feel so sorry for your children. I really pity them. They shouldnt be living in this situation. How can you not get them out of there, i cant understand how you wouldnt move heaven and earth to get them away from this man. There are so many options open to you and your hust sitting there! You do realise that by staying there with all your excuses, in all likelyhood, your sons will grow up and become this man, your daughters will become you! How the hell can you let that happen.

DO SOMETHING NOW!

Snobear4000 · 21/08/2010 13:04

Best thread title yet.

Mummy2Bookie · 21/08/2010 14:34

Ohh... Yuck. I would be pissed off too. A grown man leaving them on the floor. It's just disgusting. Why does he poo his pants? Can he not wipe or something? Confused

mathanxiety · 21/08/2010 17:30

It's a much grosser version of mooning and it's also a version of 'marking' -- he is operating on an animal level here.

Plus, it is a gesture of complete contempt and hostility towards YesBut and the children, their home and their relationship.

And deep down this man has absolutely no self respect, or self esteem. Nobody with an ounce of self-respect would do what he does. He is not rescue-able. He loathes therefore he lives.

And, YesBut, he has dragged you down with him to the point where you actually pick up the soiled pants and wash them. I know you hate confrontation, and I know you are probably shaking in your shoes at the thought of any resistance, but please, take the pants and dump them somewhere away from home. Put them in a bag, take them to a public litter bin, and dump them, if you can't take them out and burn them. When he asks where his pants are, say "What pants?"

grapeandlemon · 21/08/2010 17:41

What an awful situation. What an animal. Was he always this disgusting or did he build up to this? You sound so ground down you don't realise that he is basically telling you how he feels about you and the family home.
This sounds harsh but what are your children learning about from your relationship? That you pick up shitty pants left in the kitchen with no words of complaint? For your children's sake get out now before it's too late. I feel for them so much ESP what you said about ss and borderline abuse when they were younger. I really don't know what you are waiting for.

dittany · 21/08/2010 17:49

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TheLadyEvenstar · 21/08/2010 17:55

It is easy to sit here and type to the OP, "i don't know why you are still there"
however when in a situation like this, having been emotionally beaten down, you struggle to find the strength some days to even function normally.

OP, this is a hard situation for you, i understand. However there are some ladies on here who have advised you to contact WA or Refuge. I know this will be hard and at times seem almost impossible but I and others on here believe in you because once upon a time we were you. And we all made it through the other side to tell the tale.

I will say you do need to move the children before they become their father and I will help in anyway possible.

I am in South East London, not sure where you are but if there is anything I can do please let me know.

mathanxiety · 21/08/2010 18:12

That is so true, TLE. What you can cope with on a daily basis dwindles down to practically nothing in the end.

No need for a drastic leap into the unknown right away. Build yourself up a bit by going to WA you need to experience how it feels to be cared about before you can start dealing with it all. And you will need the support that is there for you. Imagine help and support, not just you and the children all on your own. Try to envision how things could be better. It is possible.

ChippingIn · 21/08/2010 18:19

YesBut

How are you today?
Have you made any plans?

I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said - so I'll just reiterate - this IS abuse. You need to get out or get him out.

You don't want your kids turning into him or you do you???

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