shit-stained pants left on kitchen floor

[YesBut]

Am I unreasonable to find this offensive?

Unfortunatly regardless of how many times someone says "you don't want the kids turning into him or you" it is not easy to deal with hearing this. The OP is on her knees basically she is hurt, and more than likely scared of the unkwown...now for a "normal" relationship to break up this would not be the case but this is an abusive relationship and it really is going to take baby steps to get the courage to walk away.

I really hope the OP is ok and feeling better today.

TLE - I know it's not easy, but ffs, she has the kids to think about! Re-read what he has done to them (and that's only what she's told us). I know it's hard - but it's harder for her kids. She has a choice, they don't :(

She has been offered a place to stay - she needs to take her friend up on that offer and stop making excuses - her KIDS deserve better than this.

Chippin, its not that easy to see things that clearly. If it was then there would not be so many women in the same situation.

I am not saying you are wrong just that it is harder than it seems.

Which is why its more helpful to keep reiterating that she is in an unacceptable situation. It's normal to her, but she needs to be reminded that its not anywhere near normal and there is help available.

TLE - I do understand that, but what's the alternative? Telling her that it's ok to stay until she thinks it's not 'normal'?

I think she needs some hand holding, some hugs and some cold hard facts & shoving in the right direction - which is OUT of there!

yesbut - you need to think about your name... yesbut, it really sums things up doesn't it.

You can't wait until he does something even more despicable.... GET OUT NOW - please x

Sorry i didnt mean it to come across that way!!!

TLE - I know what you mean :(

I just get so frustrated. I want to go around to her house, bundle her and the kids in the car, bring them here, then find a hitman way of getting him out of the house, the house sorted out & have her & the kids HAPPY instead of living like this :(

I get so upset & annoyed that there is nothing I can do except encourage yesbut and others to GET OUT.

Chipping I know thats why i offered to help if she is not too far from me.

You ARE an emergency, so if you cannot hold on to speak to WA contact whatever mental health provider is closest to you. They will listen and help you to listen to yourself. They will also help you to make plans to change. You are not alone. I can tell you are torn and he knows it too and he is using everything that he knows about you to ensure that you do not leave him. But leave him you must. At the minute you may not believe that, but deep down you know it.

The question is: When?

You are in love with a man who no longer exists (and maybe never did). You live with a man who doesn't love you and is a complete arse. You have always put others before yourself and you feel that by making that break from your XP you are putting your own needs above that of your dc's (and XP's?) but this is not the case. Your kids are being adversely effected, your XP is becoming more depraved. I hope you realise that this time your needs and those of those around you coincide. This madness needs to stop for all involved.

It is time for a change. And it looks like you are the only person who can do it.

OMG [gobsmacked]

Please leave... there will be tons of your friends in RL who will have had an idea of what's going on, and tons of MNers who will help.

I have caught up a bit more on thread and I am feeling that my post, encouraging you to do something, anything to make you feel better about yourself, is a little shallow, given the level of abuse you are suffering. However I still feel that if that is all you can do, it is a start, at least. Until you value yourself, there is no way on earth you will ever believe that anyone else should ever value you in the way that you deserve.

I know abusive relationships both as a child and as an adult, sadly . History really does repeat itself and I know that is something you don't want to believe. My current relationship is no where near as bad as you describe, although it is abusive (emotionally) I try to blinker myself from this fact, owing to the fact that I don't really know what a normal relationship is. I am learning from MN, and I know I deserve more, but then DH is saint compared to a lot on here, so it confuses me. Anyhow I am babbling now. He is not as bad as my father, which makes me feel guilty somehow, for thinking of him as I do.

But my point is, whether you believe it or not, op, you are worth more than this. And history will repeat. I am certain that this is not what you want for your children.

I urge you to call WA and get help in taking the next step. It maybe scary but your children will thank you for it one day.

I think I have CAT set up, so I am here to talk of board if you want. But please, listen, when I say you deserve better than this.

Where are you, let somebody, friend, one of us come and get you out of there. Please.

Yesbut

I have been thinking about you all last night. Your relationship echos my previous one so much it hurts.

I really want you to take the advice of the ladies on here, I know how it feels to be forced into sex by the person you should be able to trust. My ex (ds1's father) had sex with me 2 weeks after DS1 was born and even though i was crying and screaming at him to stop he just carried on regardless. I spent the next 22m sleeping on a 2 seater sofa.

I cannot stress how much you need to get yourself and your children away from him ASAP.

This will seem like one of the hardest things you have ever faced or done..BUT YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS.

I don't really know what to say. I was very ill yesterday and my head is still fuzzy.

Rape is no longer a danger, as I kept my distance for so long. So it can't really be included in the current situation.

Quite apart from any doubts and uncertainties I have (because it does become very hard to see one's own situation clearly) I don't want to use the "abuse" angle. I want to quietly walk away with dignity, or for him to walk.

It is important that I keep things on good terms for the sake of the children. The younger two get on well with their dad most of the time.

Forgotten what else I was going to say, still not feeling well.

Thank you forall thesupport

TheLadyEvenstar, that is awful

Yesbut please take note of what the ladies on here say and forget keeping things on good terms for the children. because if they get on well with their dad they will regardless.

I don't know. If I am feeling brave later I may ask exp if he had a chance to ask his mum if she would help him financially.

yesbut, please use the help you have been offered!!! if your friend has said she will let you stay there as long as needed then get yourself there now.

For the last couple of months, I havebeen telling myself that next "incident", I will go. Take thekids and go to my friend's house. But there hasn't been an incident. So is he just being extra careful, or do I actually have things all wrong and there is no problem?

op, look at this way: he is vile. he leaves his faeces on the kitchen floor. he is teaching your older children habits which will be difficult to break and which will impede their lives. even if you are not ready to think about his abusiveness to you, why on earth would you spend anymore of your time in his company? why would you let your children spend time with a filthy, foul mouthed creeature like this? if he wasn't related to them, would you think he was fit for them to spend time with? i think you need him removed from your house, or you need to leave, as soon as possible.

and i do think you need to think about the damage he has done to you, but i think extricating yourself and your children from this situation should be your priority and if acting first and thinking later facilitates that, then that's what you should do.

Fucking yuck...get rid