To think my dd is NOT A LIKEABLE PERSON??

[proudnsad]

She's six. She's a feisty, intelligent, wild-haired tom boy with a laugh like Barbara Windsor.
But she is so horrible! I don't mean tantrumy and difficult (though she is those things too). She is rude, anti-social, unfriendly, has no empathy and is soooo selfish.
Her older bro is a sweet-natured, calm, kind kid. It upsets him how unkind and ungrateful she is to him.
She routinely wakes us all up in the morning, sometimes during the night, with huge
meltdowns along the lines of 'I'VE GOT A BOGEY UP MY NOSE' or 'I'VE SPILT MY WATER' or 'DB'S BREATHING'.
She refuses to do anything she's told. She rarely talks to other dc who come to chat, in fact she fixes them with this chilling look that would scare Beelzebub.
I could go on forever. As I started writing this I realised I didn't know where to start or stop.
I tried talking to her this morning after she woke us up in a massive strop because she couldn't get her dressing gown down. Cuddled her (that's one good thing,she loves affection and is very cuddly funnily enough) asked her about all the anger. But she's six, how the hell does she know how to explain it?
I try to praise and encourage and I tell her about much I love her.
But she's just not one of life's natural nice people and I don't want that to affect her experiences as she gets older iuswim?
Oh my god she's doing it again, gotta go!!!!

ps Wow that looks harsh in print. I'm quite pumped up from a bad morning with her.
She's amazing and I adore her. It's just such an ongoing struggle.

awww :(

Only have a 2yo, so no advice I'm afraid, but hopefully someone will be along in a minute with wise words/sympathy :)

She is only 6, this post makes me sad. My parents didn't like me either. Children know.

Do you think there could be a reason why she acts this way? like maybe she knows she isn't the favourite. Or that she has asperbergers or for some reason doesn't seem to have much empathy for other people?

My friends dd is a bit like this and I have thought she was 'difficult' from birth. How strict are you with her? My friend has let her dd get away with so much and always ends up giving in to her demands that she has got worse and worse. But in the end the amount of attention she gets everyday because of her strops and her over dramatism is unbelievable and it is no wonder that she does it.

You say you cuddle her and praise her - do you tell her off, send her to her room, discipline her?

Oh dear! That's the trouble with children isn;t it? We love them to distraction but we don' always like them and we can't choose their qualities for them.

If it helps at all, I find that extreme personality traits are at their worst in children, and do mellow a bit with age.

At six it's hard to imagine an upside to her traits, but at 36 she might be a world leader or a captain of industry! Empathy and social skills need to be learnt, we are not all born with an abundance of them. She'll learn as she goes along that she won't get the desired response from people if she shouts and stamps and demands her way through life, so she will have to adjust evenually, for her own good.

And try not to lay it on too thick in front of her about how great her brother is in comparison . It won't help.

No she's not got asperger's or similar. No, I don't have a favourite child (tho I take your point that I have to be very careful about her not feeling like that. I think I am careful. I try. Who knows?).
I do like her. I adore her, she tickles me and amazes me. But the key thing here is 'I' like her, I'm her mother so think she's wonderful but I have to be realistic about how others find her and respond to her.
What I meant is she is not very likeable to the rest of the world and I find her VERY VERY challenging!

Nikki - oh my GOD do we punish her!! She is always being punished and disciplined but of course I then feel bad and don't want her to feel like the 'naughty' one all the time, so I try to balance it with praise. I think it's called tying yourself in knots?!

Fellatio - thanks, what a brill post. I've been waitin' and a-prayin' for the mellowing to begin. But she is only six (she tells herself, rocking backwards and forwards)

Cool proudnsad, but if you like her and you deal with her every day other people probably like her too. She sounds like a budding mad scientist in the making (clever and reclusive) so just let her get on with it..

My niece is 6 and is brilliant. Comes out with the funniest things is very affectionate etc but my god can she tantrum. My sis and her family went out for day in our home town apparently she screamed all day, can't remember why now. We put it down to her being 6! I'm sure everyone who heard thought she was horrible but she's not like it all the time. I wouldn't worry. Continue to discilpline when naughty praise when good and I'm sure as she gets older shell realise the world is nicer when you're nicer.

I'd recommend the book the challenging child by Stanley Greenspan. She sounds a bit like ds3. He's lovely and actually thinks about other people a lot but is very easily knocked off course. If things aren't just right in his eyes/mind then he'll start to panic and shout and tantrum. It took me a long time to realise how sensitive he is because he is so loud, shouty & stroppy. His way of trying to retain control i think.He's actually much more sensitive than ds2 who more obviously shows when he's scared.

The above book really helped identify what was going on with him (and in our responses). And whilst he still has his moments things are calmer.

proudnsad - no advice just sympathy, my DS is similar, very challenging, always wants to be in charge of every situation and any other child he plays with (which doesnt go down well) ends up falling out with evryone because they inevitably want to go off and play with someone else/play something else, at which point he will get over emotional/over dramatic and have a massive strop. Its so hard because he often ends up beinf disciplined/punsihed lots and lots and its so sad to see him so unhappy for a significant proportion of the time. His dad despairs of him andI end up defending him and it sets up a very unhealthy dynamic betweeen us all as a family

Nice is an interesting concept . As a child, it means doing as you are told. But following orders isn't necessarily a good trait as you get older. Using your initiative is more valuable.

My DD at 6 wasn't bothered about having friends at all. I was very strict, so we had lots of meltdowns (both me and her!). Meanwhile, everyone likes her older brother, because he is kind, empathetic and does what everyone wants - maybe that contributed to my DD's character!

Now DD is 9 and old enough to be in charge of lots of things, and we get on fine (generally). Those traits that were so unpleasant at 6 have actually been excellent for taking charge. She's still not empathetic, but she does now understand how to follow house rules to get what she wants, and is brilliant at taking responsibility and using her initiative - scarily so!

I say hang on in there with being strict, and I'm sure it will all work out well. Just remember there are lots of other families with the same predicament. I'm already dreading teenage years...

I had to tell my DS many many times it was o.k. to FEEL angry or frustrated, but that yelling and freaking out is not an acceptable way of dealing with it.

Being very consistent about this, and continuously correcting behaviour if encessary, helped a lot.

At this age you can have good talks too, and teach empathy, asking her how she would feel if someone was unkind to her etc. etc. If a friend falls over, tell her to go and ask if she is o.k and can help. It is a fine line between nice manners and actually developing empathy. I found this helped.

sorry no good advice but I think you are right to be concerned about it and look for ways of helping her to change her behaviour. I wouldn't trust that it is all alright and it'll come right of its own accord.

Is this her character, was she always a bit this way or has she changed since starting school or something like that?

I've had to teach dd (7) about controlling her anger. She has a wicked temper (something I don't seem to possess) that would come out of nowhere.

We had a talk (similar to Chandon) about appropriate ways of showing and dealing with feelings and it seems to have worked tbh.

Do other children give her a wide berth at school, and has her teacher made any comments that imply that she's overbearing or difficult?

Is it worth involving her in some activity, eg. karate/judo. Perhaps if she has a lot of rage or frustration (and some of us just do!) that will help her get some of it out.

Has she ever been assessed for Aspergers?

My daughter can be similar to that, although with her being our first, I guess we just thought that was "normal". Every stage she goes through seems to be heightened to the extreme - but now I also have a DS2 like that, so I am used to dealing with it. (Fortunately my DS1 is very chilled out!!!!)

I find with my DD1 that traditional punishments don't work very well. Manipulation seems a better way, although sometimes when I lose my rag and patience wears thin, we revert to traditional ways. Her stubborn nature means that when she gets punished she gets even more stubborn and defiant - it can be quite scary to observe..

Anyway, the book suggestion about the highly sensitive child is a very good one as when I read it and DD1 was about 3 years old I wish I had read it sooner. My DD is also highly perceptive and part of her temper comes from that too.

Good luck, I know how challenging and rewarding they can be all wrapped up in one. My mum has been having DD1 for a week and is pulling her hair out lol xxx

DS2 is a very challenging child. From birth until he was about 5 I thought we'd never find a way to deal with his ferocious will without cracking up. He suddenly leapt forward a stage emotionally, and it all got easier. He is still difficult, grumpy, anti-social etc, but he is also kind, funny, affectionate and bright. We have focused on getting him to moderate his behaviour for his own good, and at 7 he is much better at biting his tongue/sitting on his hands and not telling other people some unsavoury home truths. I have explained to him over and over again that you have to care about other people's feelings if you want them to like you, that throwing your weight around is not a good method of getting your way, that kindness is important. He is getting there, but my God it's been hard work. On the plus side, no one will ever make DS2 do anything he doesn't want to do, he is fiercely independent and doesn't need the approval of others, and he has no fears about forging his own way forward. I maintain that a lot of these 'difficult' traits are positive in an adult, and have just worked on getting him to try harder socially so that he has empathy when he takes over the world. DS1 is also strong willed and determined, but he has the inbuilt charm to manipulate people without them realising it

No experience, but from what you've said, I think I would like her, she sounds cool. Whether I'd want to be her parent is a different matter

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows you have described my DD1 to a tee. My mum just rang me to say that they went to the market and walked past a watermelon seller.

The guy wouldn't cut one up for my mum as they only sold them whole and my DD (5) said to him "can't you see that my grandma is too old to carry one so big and she will be really upspet now that she can't have any watermelon!" the guy laughed so much and gave them a piece!!!

My DB recommended this book:
www.amazon.co.uk/Different-Children-Needs-Understanding-Personality/dp/1590523121/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1281691145&sr=8-1. I didn't find it useful (couldn't tell which "type" me or DSs are ) but he did because his dd is a very different creature from anyone in our family and it helped them get along ...

I would try not to punish too much, just reward good behaviour and withdraw attention from bad. I was a pain as a kid, and grew up well balanced and reasonably well liked.

I try very hard no to compare my children, and to stop them criticising each other. Do read Horrid Henry and work on how you would do things to make that family more functional.

If she is happy then don't worry about friends, she may be on a different planet to them, but she will meet people she really clicks with as she grows up.

Another interesting factor is birth order. She has an easy older brother, so she may well be trying to be as different to him as possible, second children often are a huge contrast.

Good luck!

Proudnsad I feel your pain! DD is seven and a half, and I really worry about her interations with others. She can be incredibly empathetic sometimes, but is often overbearing, aggressive, bossy and doesn't read social cues very well. I love her to bits, but I don't always like her, and I worry about how she will get on with others - she doesn't really have any close friends. Mind you, she's not that interested in other girls, generally - she prefers the boys!

Have you ever watched 'child of our time' with Dr Robert Winston? They did this 'big personality test', which I did online - it showed that I score low on 'agreeableness', as I think DD would too. Agreeableness is seen as how eager to please you are, and how much you consider other's wishes above your own and will fit in with them. Scoring high in agreeableness means you are likely to be popular, but also likely to be taken advantage of, whereas being low in agreeableness means you're more likely to be a leader, innovator, break away from the pack, kind of thing. Maybe this describes your DD too - you can comfort yourself (like I do) that maybe she won't be 'easily led' as a teen, and will forge herself a great path in life out of sheer cussedness!