To think my dd is NOT A LIKEABLE PERSON??

[proudnsad]

She's six. She's a feisty, intelligent, wild-haired tom boy with a laugh like Barbara Windsor.
But she is so horrible! I don't mean tantrumy and difficult (though she is those things too). She is rude, anti-social, unfriendly, has no empathy and is soooo selfish.
Her older bro is a sweet-natured, calm, kind kid. It upsets him how unkind and ungrateful she is to him.
She routinely wakes us all up in the morning, sometimes during the night, with huge
meltdowns along the lines of 'I'VE GOT A BOGEY UP MY NOSE' or 'I'VE SPILT MY WATER' or 'DB'S BREATHING'.
She refuses to do anything she's told. She rarely talks to other dc who come to chat, in fact she fixes them with this chilling look that would scare Beelzebub.
I could go on forever. As I started writing this I realised I didn't know where to start or stop.
I tried talking to her this morning after she woke us up in a massive strop because she couldn't get her dressing gown down. Cuddled her (that's one good thing,she loves affection and is very cuddly funnily enough) asked her about all the anger. But she's six, how the hell does she know how to explain it?
I try to praise and encourage and I tell her about much I love her.
But she's just not one of life's natural nice people and I don't want that to affect her experiences as she gets older iuswim?
Oh my god she's doing it again, gotta go!!!!

Op doesn't seem to mind at all.

I've had difficulties with my own daughter so its really interesting for me to see how things have progressed for the op.

I have reported KatMumsnet's post as inappropriate.

I would also like to know why it would be "best to let this lie"

Oh gawd sorry I reported my own thread!

I thought as it was two years old and had been inadvertently resurrected I'd ask for it to be removed, there is no evil MN agenda or anything untoward.

Yes I have been happy to respond today and am extremely grateful forsupportive posts and to hear from people who are in similar situations.

It is still an ongoing issue for me and if it's helpful/interesting/useful then who I am I to suggest it's removed, sorry.

my DD was like this from around 2 to 10.

She's in her 20s now and is amazing, bright, popular, kind, politically aware, popular, fiercely intelligent and a delight to be around.

What turned her around was that we never gave up on her (tempting though it was, no-one can every understand the despair you feel at times), kept imposing boundaries - she kept breaking them but that's what she will always do - so lots of small boundaries are best. let her get her boundary breaking thrills from being late home or not tidying her room rather than anything more serious. Mine now loves things like sky diving, paragliding, bungee jumping - and no fairground ride is every scary enough .

The woman who ran the nursery she went to as a toddler had been through a similar thing with her daughter (who was a delightful teenager at that point) and it was a huge comfort to me that what she described going through was so similar to my experience.

hang on in there proud you will get there in the end

and dear MN mods I do think that if an OP returns to a resurrected thread then there might be merit in not letting it lie :)

@thingamajig

I have reported KatMumsnet's post as inappropriate. This is a brilliant thread and has given me food for thought regarding my mum, myself and my daughter.

Agreed this is a brilliant thread full of advice and support, however the OP has been in contact with us, and we posted on her behalf.

@Proudnscary

Oh gawd sorry I reported my own thread!

I thought as it was two years old and had been inadvertently resurrected I'd ask for it to be removed, there is no evil MN agenda or anything untoward.

Yes I have been happy to respond today and am extremely grateful forsupportive posts and to hear from people who are in similar situations.

It is still an ongoing issue for me and if it's helpful/interesting/useful then who I am I to suggest it's removed, sorry.

See, no evil Mumsnet agenda!

On a serious note - apologies if I didn't make my first post very clear

Oh this is an eye opener and pffers such great advcie and debate. What a great thread.

I posted a few weeks ago about my neice who is, as op describes her daughter.

I was convinced that my niece is the way she is because of her upbringing, but i have changed my mind and now believe that it is just the way she is, her personality. This thread has influenced this.

DN does not have endearing personality traits, the selfishness, the ungratefulness, the sneery looks at anyone daring to talk to her...the antisocial behaviour, willlfulness and disagreable/argumentative attitude cause her to be very unpopular.
She is domineering and manipulative and is hyper aware of what presses different peoples buttons..its like a talent and she picks up on this very very quickly and uses it to its full advantage.

She has been like this since being teeny tiny. sadly, she is an unpopular and lonely child.

At age 9, i hope that things will improve when the penny drops that she is bieng judged by people and how she negatively affects other people,however, nothing seems to bother her ever.

Its very very difficult and incredibly sad, because i cant see that she has any happiness at all.
Hoping it will turn out ok as it has for so many of you who have shared on here.

Yes, why Kat?

I've just read the whole thread and found it extremely interesting.

I have the utmost admiration for the op in her honesty and acceptance of others' (mostly) constructive criticism.

Once in a while I find a thread which is of personal significance to me and this one has given me added insight into a personal problem.

I for one think that this thread belongs in active conversations for as long as people want to read it and post on it.

Sorry, x-posted - too slow!

Great thread full of interesting thoughts and opinions.,

Good luck op, hope dd enjoys her birthday tomorrow, and sounds like you're doing a great job.

As long as you don't mind op? Its your thread after all

I think you are secretly very proud of your DD being this way and think she is very special because of it.She is picking up on this.Most kids don't WANT to tidy their room and may try it on with a strop, but as a parent it is your job to make sure she realises sharpish that stropping gets them nowhere.
a good piece of advice is that kids need to 'feel sad for being bad'

PooPoo - no I don't mind. I've got a lot out of it actually, I just felt sort of freaked out to see it come back round. And thanks for your input.

Oopsi - you are way off the mark. I am absolutely proud of my daughter for all her attributes, but I posted in desperation. I have very down moments - many of them - where I feel I'm failing her, where I can't cope and dearly want to do right but her but seem to get it all wrong. And your advice that kids need to 'feel sad for being bad' is absolutely dreadful.

Zuzu - thanks for the support.

Nosleep -

I think your little girl is who she is and you should love her for who she is not what you want her to be. She doesn't sound dissimilar to me at her age but my mother wanted a pretty girly yes girl who loved parties just like her. She got a determined, serious, headstrong girl who didn't want to follow the crowd. I'm now 51 and I am still trying desperately to do something to please my mother and know I never shall. The most annoying thing is that she will criticise my dd for being too quiet or falling short of her ludicrous expectations and I have spent the last 14 years supporting the confidence of a shy, quirky 14 year old who I think is fab and she undoes months and months of esteem building in a nano second.

I think you might need to concentrate on the "She's amazing and I adore her"

Maybe spend more time with her, just you and her - go on some outings together or visit friends together.
Try not to compare her so much with her brother who you have an easy relationship with.
Think about all the different ways there are of growing up female. Consider your own upbringing and how that may affect your relationship with your daughter.

Wishing you and her better times ahead, and the development of a great, empathic, mother-daughter relationship.

It can be wonderful to have a daughter. Enjoy her as much as you can

And good luck too with getting any support that either of you need to do this

marriedinwhite - Good for you for doing your best for your own daughter. Remember your mother cannot really undo the good work of esteem building that you have done with her - because you are her mother and that relationship will matter most to your dd

' she woke us up in a massive strop because she couldn't get her dressing gown down. Cuddled her '

can't you really not see how you are reinforcing this kind of behaviour?

'feel sad for being bad is a phrase coined by a child behavior guru.I'll see if I can dig out the reference.

Interesting to read the whole thread.
I think that your DD sounds brilliant. Its great when children know what they are about, and you say yourself she has lots of friends. She could still mellow a bit in time, or you will just have to look forward to the day when she is running the country.

"She is rude, anti-social, unfriendly, has no empathy and is soooo selfish".

The OP's DD doesn't sound "brilliant" to me, hiveofbees and to be honest, this is the sort of child whom I would stand up and move away from in a public place, or who would slowly but surely cause my friendship with his/her parents to diminish and decline.

The fact that serious behavioural problems are still ongoing would concern me greatly.

I know oopsi's post was blunt but I too have seen this advice from a child behaviour expert and see nothing wrong with it. Cuddling a stroppy angry child is surely reinforcing the-ir behaviour, isn't it?

if you're considering my post unhelpful, think again. counselling is very much needed in this situation.

You would move away from a child like this in a public place or not be friends with the parents?

I like children who have an opinion, and sometimes it takes them a while to learn to be polite.

Yes, I like kids with opinions too, yes I would DEFINITELY move away from children like this in a public space and yes... I would have difficulties maintaining a friendship with people whose offspring are constantly attention-seeking and obnoxious in public with nothing done about it. Sorry but this is how I feel.

and more than anything they each need their own parents to love them and think they are great. and not to dislike them, or pretend they like them because there will be an undercurrent of dislike in the pretence.