To think my dd is NOT A LIKEABLE PERSON??

[proudnsad]

She's six. She's a feisty, intelligent, wild-haired tom boy with a laugh like Barbara Windsor.
But she is so horrible! I don't mean tantrumy and difficult (though she is those things too). She is rude, anti-social, unfriendly, has no empathy and is soooo selfish.
Her older bro is a sweet-natured, calm, kind kid. It upsets him how unkind and ungrateful she is to him.
She routinely wakes us all up in the morning, sometimes during the night, with huge
meltdowns along the lines of 'I'VE GOT A BOGEY UP MY NOSE' or 'I'VE SPILT MY WATER' or 'DB'S BREATHING'.
She refuses to do anything she's told. She rarely talks to other dc who come to chat, in fact she fixes them with this chilling look that would scare Beelzebub.
I could go on forever. As I started writing this I realised I didn't know where to start or stop.
I tried talking to her this morning after she woke us up in a massive strop because she couldn't get her dressing gown down. Cuddled her (that's one good thing,she loves affection and is very cuddly funnily enough) asked her about all the anger. But she's six, how the hell does she know how to explain it?
I try to praise and encourage and I tell her about much I love her.
But she's just not one of life's natural nice people and I don't want that to affect her experiences as she gets older iuswim?
Oh my god she's doing it again, gotta go!!!!

Just to say that you sound like you are doing your best proud'n,!
I have a difficult 5 year old, some similar things to you, and while I am sure most of it is my rubbish parenting, some of it is just his personality-the refusal to do as he is told, the frustrating rudeness sometimes to adults (basically ignoring them when they speak to him) but sometimes I think, he is just in his own head so much, that he doesn't see it as bad; he just shuts people out of his world sometimes.
On the plus side he is astoundingly funny and curious and bright and imaginative, and I would totally hang out with him if I didn't have to, on a good day.
The only thing I have found, is that when I get shouty (say when I have pms) nothing works. When he is raging and I crouch right down, wait until he calms down a bit, and then talk really quietly, it helps.
I wish I was a less impatient person, because I often think that the problem is really that we are not well matched as parent and child iyswym.

Ooops, didn't notice was old thread! Have read whole thing now...

Two things.

I come from the flip side of the coin. DD very kind likeable biddable etc etc (I am aware that this sounds boasty it's not intended that way honestly!!). I worry that she is too eager to please that she makes herself unhappy trying to be liked so am working on her being more assertive. Just wanted to show you can't win

Secondly happy birthday proud DD

I could respond to posters stating that I don't love or like my daughter and/or am not helping her, but I will sound defensive and I'll be accused of only listening to positive responses.

It's the constructive advice/hopeful anecdotes that are helpful to me and all of us with a challenging kid.

I feel compelled to remind people AGAIN that I started this thread TWO YEARS AGO (the thread title itself shocks even me and of course I realise some will be at the wording).

I don't want a 'girly girl' or any other girl. I want dd, whoever and however she is, but I want her to be calmer, to help her with the anger, and to get on in the world.

The one big difference to how I was two years ago - I am much calmer (as is my dh) and we are able to have deeper and more productive talks about her behaviour which helps.

Tory thanks! x

I have posted many times about my own daughter. She was very difficult even as a baby. She would scream hysterically every time i changed her clothes or her nappy, if i wasn't quick enough with her milk she would shout at me. She was only tiny! I couldn't calm her at all.

As she got older she would try to control everything. Which way i walked down the road for eg. I know a lot of toddlers do that but it was extreme.

I always loved her obviously but found it very hard to connect to her. It was almost like she couldn't really hear me.

Even now she reacts in ways i don't expect she would go on and on and on at me about things and just not stop. It was like she couldn't control it. She would be constantly arguing about everything and would never just accept no or do as she was told. We always joke that she should be on a debating team.

It was always so much about what she wanted that i used to think she was selfish. She would never wait for anything, it was always me now!

I use past tense because things have improved a little over the last year or so. She is 6.

My daughter was born into a very difficult situation so i have never really known if its just her personality or a result of what was happening before and after she was born. I can't see how it couldn't have affected her but perhaps she would have been difficult anyway.

Its taken me a really long time to realise that a lot of her behaviour is due to insecurity and anxiety. She doesn't show this in an obvious way. She doesn't look insecure at all but will just behave very difficultly.

Over the years things that i have found that help . . .

Being firm about certain things. Such as not asking for things over and over. No is no etc.

Being relaxed about others. I know that sounds vague but what i mean is i have picked my battles about what is really important so that she isn't overwhelmed with restrictions. It also means there are some aspects of her life which she has a lot of control of, such as her clothes. I think this is important.

I've taught her to calm herself down. Sitting with her getting her to breath in, breath out, talking in a calm soothing voice. I couldn't believe how much that helped! Reassuring her at the same time.

Reducing the stress in house. If we are calmer, she is calmer. Its unbelievable the effect that's had!

Realising that a lot of it is to do with anxiety. Just knowing it helps although its hard to remember when she's being difficult. That hasn't been diagnosed by the way, just what I've realised.

I've realised it affects her behaviour when we have an exciting occasion coming up, when things are changing around her, when she doesn't know what to expect. I now make sure i explain things properly so she knows what to expect.

I have to go now but will post anything else i remember. Im not sure if any of this is relevant to you but thought id share my experience anyway.

Ok just remembered another one . . .

Spending time just the two of us. It felt terrible when we first did this properly and i saw her face and how happy she was!

We go see a film or to one of those ceramic cafes and she absolutely loves it. I realised that some of her behaviour was attention seeking and desperately trying to get me for herself.

Its helped hugely with our relationship.

Proud don't let the more extreme and unhelpful posters upset you. This thread is obviously very useful and supportive to a lot of people, me included, and I think it's great that you've come back and updated - it gives a whole extra perspective and dimension to it to know how things have developed over two years.

It was really interesting to me, too, to see what I wrote about DD at the beginning of this thread:
"Proudnsad I feel your pain! DD is seven and a half, and I really worry about her interations with others. She can be incredibly empathetic sometimes, but is often overbearing, aggressive, bossy and doesn't read social cues very well. I love her to bits, but I don't always like her, and I worry about how she will get on with others - she doesn't really have any close friends. Mind you, she's not that interested in other girls, generally - she prefers the boys!

Have you ever watched 'child of our time' with Dr Robert Winston? They did this 'big personality test', which I did online - it showed that I score low on 'agreeableness', as I think DD would too. Agreeableness is seen as how eager to please you are, and how much you consider other's wishes above your own and will fit in with them. Scoring high in agreeableness means you are likely to be popular, but also likely to be taken advantage of, whereas being low in agreeableness means you're more likely to be a leader, innovator, break away from the pack, kind of thing. Maybe this describes your DD too - you can comfort yourself (like I do) that maybe she won't be 'easily led' as a teen, and will forge herself a great path in life out of sheer cussedness!"

Well she's 9 now, and she's still that girl! Some days she delights me with how bright and funny she is, how determined and tenacious, how confident. Other days I despair for exactly the same reasons; the endless arguing about EVERYTHING! the fierce temper, the absolute determination to always have the last word, the tenacity about controlling everyone and everything, the confidence that she is always right, even when all evidence suggests the contrary! But the good days far outnumber the bad days now, and I can really see her strengths as a person developing. What made a big difference for us was quite an extreme course of action (and not one I'm suggesting as a solution for others, before anyone jumps on me - I'm just sharing my experiences)... I took her out of school to try home education. For DD, I think a lot of her stress was occurring due to her interactions with other children at school; she would come out of school so angry every day, full of tales of conflict and perceived injustice. Underneath all the anger and bravado she's actually a very sensitive child, and I think it was really taking a toll on her. Her school work was suffering too because she spent a lot more time and energy fretting and seething over her interactions with others than she did about learning. Now she's HE she gets the one-to-one attention from me that she craved, and can socialise with other children in smaller and more manageable doses. She's still a very strong character, but she's definitely maturing and mellowing a bit. She's a lot happier in herself than she was before.

I'm certainly not suggesting that everyone with a challenging child should HE them, just pointing out that situations can and do change, and that things can improve when the child's needs are met or when the pressure is taken off them in some way.

I have a friend with an agreeable daughter. When our children were younger we would see each other a lot and it was horrible! I would talk about the difficult time i was having and she would say "well just explain it to her!" as though it hadn't occurred to me to do that! She didn't believe me when i would tell her that i did all the same things she did but my child reacted differently. I told her that i felt she had a child who was more of a pleaser but she took it offensively. She completely believed that her child's easy nature were down to her fabulous parenting and mines awkwardness was down to me being crap. I stopped seeing her because it just made me feel rubbish. I would explain til i was blue in the face but she didn't get it.

Then she had another child [evil laugh]

I cross-posted with poo earlier - what you've written totally resonates with me, too. DD finds transitioning activities and change very tricky, and those points are often triggers. YY to this "Its taken me a really long time to realise that a lot of her behaviour is due to insecurity and anxiety. She doesn't show this in an obvious way. She doesn't look insecure at all but will just behave very difficultly." I think that if DD can't control things then she becomes anxious and that manifests as bravado and temper. It's hard to spot because in other ways she is incredibly confident, so it took me a long time to recognise that she's a sensitive little thing underneath it all.

Poo my best friend also had a very easy first child. She never ever rubbed my nose in it or made me feel that she was a better parent, but after she had a very very strong-willed second child she did confess that she thought her first was so easy because her parenting skills were so good. Ah how I laughed at with her.

I worried about how others would see my much adored eldest. I worried too much. I worried FOR him.

He walks around with a target on his head that says "If you mock me I'll go nuclear and be most amusing" I worried about that.

We have managed over the last 3 years to teach him strategies that make his natural 'target' less apparent and less fun for others, he is still a square peg in a round world but rather than worry so much, these days I celebrate it.

proudnscary Your dd sounds fantastic, and I am sure she IS hard work but I am also sure that as she grows, she'll discover tactics that will help her, and one day I am also sure that you'll look at her with utter pride in both her, and your enduring love. She'll probably be a kick ass strong woman!

It's hard to spot because in other ways she is incredibly confident, so it took me a long time to recognise that she's a sensitive little thing underneath it all.

Yes! It makes you wonder just how many other parents completely miss this.

NonAstemia/LeQ/AldiWhore/Poo -

Am now taking said daughter, 8 today, for her birthday meal and cinema trip with 6 of her friends.

She has been great today and I had a great 'birthday bath chat' with her, drawing on lots of things posted on here. Told how amazing she was, strong and clever and how much we loved her and what an interesting life she's going to have doing something remarkable whatever that may be please God let it not be the world's biggest bank heist! Also talked briefly about her anger and how that didn't mean there was anything wrong with her, just who she is and I will help her with it and help her channel it etc.

Happy Birthday Proud's DD! Have a to celebrate the positive aspects of being a stroppy princess.

Just after DD was born, a friend of her dad's did us a horoscope. She prophesied that DD would either be a politician or an assassin!

Happy birthday to your DD :)

Happy birthday Proud dd !

Hope you'll all keep on being proud, and no-one being scary !