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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Children getting changed in front of the opposite sex for PE-age 8 and 9

331 replies

Ayerightyouare · 03/08/2010 22:25

I am new to posting,not lurking,and after a fab glass or two of Spar 2 bottles for £7.50 am off and running dear children at their grans for a sleepover,ahem
My children,boy age 8,and girl age 9,expressed extreme anxiety over the "changing for PE arrangements"...ie the girls had to get changed in front of the boys and vice versa,in the same classroom.
I saw the headteacher about this before the end of last term,and, to the point, was told that "Well,Mrs insert name,you are the only parent who has brought this up,I like children to be children,innocent,there is no problem,we don't have the staff to supervise 2 different sex groups,there is no problem,the children are okay with it,and you are welcome in to come and see them change in front of each other"
I told her about some of the,for want of a better word,pornographic things that I had heard children of this age speak about.
I do not agree with her,for the sole reason that my children have told me that they do not like this.And,I will not come in as a stranger and watch children changing when I know my own children's feelings on the matter.I explained that children in the school system are not going to go against their teacher when they know that they have no choice in the matter.
I really felt patronised TBH.
Now,in the last week,I have had an example of "creative writing" left on my kitchen table by a 10 yr old girl.I have lots of my children's friends around,and they often do "arts and crafts" at the kitchen table.
Here is what she wrote:

"My Daughter's name, you are a dick head, you suck dick, eat shit, you fancy name of boy,and have sex withname of other boy every night.
name of other boy has cheesy nipples and you suck them every night.Just to tell you how do you know boys name has cheesy nipples do you suck them, got it, you suck other boys name dick don't you? "
I mean,come on,this is a 10 year old girl.It is not her fault,she is just showing what that age group has been exposed to via the media.Her Mum is very very strict.
When the school term commences,I am making an appt with the headmistress and basically demanding that she allows children to retain their dignity when getting changed.I have spoken to my daughter regarding this piece of creative writing,she has just turned 9,and she is very uncomfortable about getting changed in front of boys considering what she has now been exposed to."Sucking Dicks" indeed. Am I being Unreasonable ?

OP posts:
nasdaq · 05/08/2010 22:50

I am not from the uk and I would be very unhappy with the convention of not protecting the privacy of children.

I mean at nursery they have to have a private area to change babies.

Is this serious can boy and girls get changed in front of each other in the uk? Really?

onedeadbadger · 05/08/2010 22:55

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sleepingsowell · 05/08/2010 22:56

nasdaq, why would they not? What would be wrong?

PixieOnaLeaf · 05/08/2010 23:20

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nasdaq · 05/08/2010 23:30

Surely children have a right to privacy, simple really.

mattellie · 05/08/2010 23:59

Pixie, thanks yes DD is very mature for her age, I think. Comes from having to learn to do all her own blood sugar testing and insulin injections at the age of 6 so she could go on Brownie camp!

The whole body image question is a tricky one, I think, as there is a vast disparity in the age at which it becomes an issue for DCs. One of DD's friends started getting her periods in Y5 and I can see how that might affect your point of view about changing in front of boys.

Leaving aside the stranger aspects of the OP,I don't think the idea of a 9-year-old girl being worried about changing in front of boys is that odd. It's definitely something a school should be aware of and able to accommodate if necessary, perhaps as others have suggested with some sort of simple dividing device.

elphiethropp · 06/08/2010 00:09

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PixieOnaLeaf · 06/08/2010 00:48

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TheBossofMe · 06/08/2010 06:04

Pixie - isn't the point that they shouldn't have to ask to change in privacy. Puberty is a challenging time for girls (and I'm sure boys as well) and they shouldn;t have to be "singled out" for going through something natural and inevitable.

BTW - school knickers and vest??? By the time I was 9 I was in a 34B bra and the school knickers didn't fit, so I was in M&S finest. I can assure you that a sanitary towel would have been very clearly visible!

And if you think 9 year old boys don;t try and sneak a peek, you have a very rosy image of boys of that age!

gorionine · 06/08/2010 08:38

School nickers and vest? it is the first time I hear of them before, is it a common thing?

gorionine · 06/08/2010 08:39

should read either

  • it is the first time I hear of them
or I have never heard of them before

Got a bit ahead of myself thereSmile

TheBossofMe · 06/08/2010 09:07

We had school knickers and vest, but only until we were about 7 - after that, it was ordinary M&S!

StealthPolarBear · 06/08/2010 09:19

What the hell has gone on on this thread? Why are people I used to think were reasonable posters being bullies? Ironic on a thread about not wanting to get changed in front of others.

FWIW I think if a 9yo girl doesn't want to get changed in front of boys then that's a reasonable concern that should be addressed. I don't think it's indicative of her getting body hang ups from home! I can't quite remember what I thought about this at that age, but can quite well believe I'd have started to feel uncomfortable too.

PlanetEarth · 06/08/2010 09:27

Long and weird thread, but my girls both started to want privacy around that age, from us as well as boys at school. They also had to get changed in a mixed classroom, and from what parent helpers have said, yes the boys do try to look at the girls while they're changing. Not great!

FranSanDisco · 06/08/2010 09:35

Last term dd was in yr 4. She said the boys had started to whistle at the girls who wore the cropped vests but still ignored the girls in proper vests (girls like her Smile). The teacher put a stop to the whistling. Dd is now much more aware of her body so I can see it being a bigger issue this year (yr 5). The funny thing is she swims competitively in a mixed squad and happily stands around talking to boys in a swimsuit which covers the same body she tries to hide in class.

Oblomov · 06/08/2010 10:01

"If either of them complained about changing for PE, then I would, of course, do something about that.

However, I have managed to raise children without body image problems, so I don't have that concern."

Pixie, I didn't like your comment either. I took it to mean thta my child had body image problems.It would sadden me to think that ds1(6.5) had body image problems. As I have no body image problems of my own AT ALL. but why would he not want to get changed all of a sudden ?

Please answer me this.

oh and by the way, glad to see 2 posters with young children on pumps. makes me happy to see that. i am quite proud of mine. most people think it is a pager and that i am a ponce. i want them to know thta it is a pump !!

PixieOnaLeaf · 06/08/2010 12:32

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Oblomov · 06/08/2010 12:36

yes diabetes. excuse typing , have ds2 asleep on me.
so what would prompt a ds aged 6.5 to not want to get changed for pe, or to be all shy about being seen in his boxers, at home, then.
i tgink this iss odd and can't imagine why.

Oblomov · 06/08/2010 12:40

he also tells me ' i have a beautiful body. AND supersoft skin. just like ds2. don't i mummy"
"yes darling. you do."

so why the shyness. he is sooo yoiung. where has this come from ?

PixieOnaLeaf · 06/08/2010 12:49

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PixieOnaLeaf · 06/08/2010 12:51

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Oblomov · 06/08/2010 12:55

and when we went camping ', witsun, he wouldn't go and brush his teeth becasue he was in his pyjamas. "i don't want anyone seeing me in my pyjamas". so i told him that everyone went to the shower block/brush their teeth in pyjamas. and not to worry. nothing wrong in pyjamas.

and also when we were camping his shorts were all dirty, or wet or something. so i went and got a new pair. told him to whip them off and i'd put the new ones on. but he insisted, "inside, inside the caravan, so no one would see."

and i asked him, last week, to open the back door and throw ds2's very smelly nappy outside. and i would put it in the dustbin later. "i can't i'm only in my boxers. i don't want anyone to see". but i'm naked he said. no i said you've got boxers on so its fine. naked means no clothes on at all. just your body which is lovely. he he he said and ran off laughing, whilst i chased him.

all odd. why so shy, so young ?

PixieOnaLeaf · 06/08/2010 13:05

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AuntieMaggie · 06/08/2010 13:06

Haven't read the whole thread, and am Biscuit about some of the nastiness at the start of the thread...

Anyway... changing in front of boys in year 6? No way! I too was wearing a bra aged 9/10 and it was bad enough having them pull my bra straps in normal classes and trying to cop a feel!

And as my sister told everyone about the hair on my body I wouldn't have wanted people to know about then that made it worse!

Not sure what the answer is but if the child feels uncomfortable there is a problem.

Oblomov · 06/08/2010 13:08

"i don't want anyone to see me"
thats all i can get out of him. they are only year 1, so they chnage in the classroom. all the boys and girls together.