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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Children getting changed in front of the opposite sex for PE-age 8 and 9

331 replies

Ayerightyouare · 03/08/2010 22:25

I am new to posting,not lurking,and after a fab glass or two of Spar 2 bottles for £7.50 am off and running dear children at their grans for a sleepover,ahem
My children,boy age 8,and girl age 9,expressed extreme anxiety over the "changing for PE arrangements"...ie the girls had to get changed in front of the boys and vice versa,in the same classroom.
I saw the headteacher about this before the end of last term,and, to the point, was told that "Well,Mrs insert name,you are the only parent who has brought this up,I like children to be children,innocent,there is no problem,we don't have the staff to supervise 2 different sex groups,there is no problem,the children are okay with it,and you are welcome in to come and see them change in front of each other"
I told her about some of the,for want of a better word,pornographic things that I had heard children of this age speak about.
I do not agree with her,for the sole reason that my children have told me that they do not like this.And,I will not come in as a stranger and watch children changing when I know my own children's feelings on the matter.I explained that children in the school system are not going to go against their teacher when they know that they have no choice in the matter.
I really felt patronised TBH.
Now,in the last week,I have had an example of "creative writing" left on my kitchen table by a 10 yr old girl.I have lots of my children's friends around,and they often do "arts and crafts" at the kitchen table.
Here is what she wrote:

"My Daughter's name, you are a dick head, you suck dick, eat shit, you fancy name of boy,and have sex withname of other boy every night.
name of other boy has cheesy nipples and you suck them every night.Just to tell you how do you know boys name has cheesy nipples do you suck them, got it, you suck other boys name dick don't you? "
I mean,come on,this is a 10 year old girl.It is not her fault,she is just showing what that age group has been exposed to via the media.Her Mum is very very strict.
When the school term commences,I am making an appt with the headmistress and basically demanding that she allows children to retain their dignity when getting changed.I have spoken to my daughter regarding this piece of creative writing,she has just turned 9,and she is very uncomfortable about getting changed in front of boys considering what she has now been exposed to."Sucking Dicks" indeed. Am I being Unreasonable ?

OP posts:
textpest · 04/08/2010 12:58

I am a teacher and have woked in Y3,Y4 and Y5 - apart from one class where the girls changed in the toilets for religious reasons they have all changed together with no complaints. Some of the Y4 girls tried it on because Y6 had changing rooms and they wanted to use them.

OP does your daughter perhaps not like PE and thinks this will get her signed off for the term?

SpanishHarlot · 04/08/2010 13:19

Stormy Weather...I am with you...there is a lot of abuse going on here which really concerns me.

My daughter is 7 and would certainly not want to get changed in front of boys either.

I would have confronted the mother of the child who wrote the note and said that I did't think it appropriate for a child to be writing things like that as it was hurtful to the recipient.

As for the headteacher comment, I would have reported that to the governors as that is entirely innappropriate.

ah well no doubt you will all tell me to f**k off now but that just shows how small minded you all are...

rusmum · 04/08/2010 13:26

why would we tell you to .....?

We are all expressing our thoughts on your situation! No one is right or wrong. My 6 year old would think nothing of striping off anywhere. As yet she has no body consciousness or awareness of the boy/girl thing!

Iklboo · 04/08/2010 13:31

If it means anything, all the language in the note is used on a very regular basis in South Park. Maybe the writer of the note is allowed to watch South Park and copied the kind of stuff Cartman comes out with every (yawn) episode?

wonka · 04/08/2010 13:50

My oldest two are 7 & 6.. I've never asked them about changing arrangments for PE..
If they felt concerned enough to mention it to me I would probably try to think of ways to make it more comfortable for them like wearing their PE shorts in as has been suggested before.. Not running to the school.
The Note however I would be concerned if this came home with one of my children as it sounds very intimidating especially if yours is a bit on the innocent side. I would be showing this to the school as it sounds like the whole class need talking to about the language they use to each other..
I'm sorry your first post has been so badly received.. don't let it put you off MN is a wealth of help and knowledge most of the time!

haoshiji · 04/08/2010 14:02

When you say get changed in front of the boys. What distance are we talking - the other end of a room or 30cm away?

Oblomov · 04/08/2010 15:18

This thread has gone a bit mad.

BUT
Ds1 is 6.5 , year 1, just finished. for the last few months, has been saying he doesn't want to get changed infront of anyone. not even at home, me whipping off his dirty shorts to put on a new pair.
I thought this was odd. none of the other parents have said their children were saying this. they have been changing alot recently for all their pe practise for sports day.

I thought this came later. like body consciousness came at 10 or so. so i am shocked and saddened by why ds1 is feeling like this.

SirBoobAlot · 04/08/2010 15:33

TheBossOfMe - we were supervised changing at secondary school.

SpanishHarlot · 04/08/2010 18:46

it wasn't my situation but I just felt the vitriol being fired at the OP was a bit strong don't you think...we are supposed to be given people a bit of advice on here not slagging them off.

PixieOnaLeaf · 04/08/2010 19:39

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katiestar · 04/08/2010 20:14

Children of Y3 and over are supposed to get changed separately I think.They certainly do at all the primaries I've been involved with
YANBU I get very annoyed when mothers think its ok to bring big boys of 8 and 9 into womens changing rooms

Feenie · 04/08/2010 20:33

There are no official guidelines, afaik.

Spacehopper5 · 04/08/2010 20:46

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PauloNuttella · 04/08/2010 20:47

When my dd was 5 or 6, she couldn't care less if she stripped off in front of the whole class. Now she's nearly 9, she just wouldn't do it.
At home, it's not a problem, but at school, although the behaviour maybe can't be considered sexual, for an 8 or 9 year old girl to have the boys saying stuff like "Oooh, I can see your boobies, let me have a feel" is very intimidating (even when most of the girls don't actually have breasts) and I wonder how many adults would feel uncomfortable with comments like this, let alone a child!
My dc's school split the dc's up to change, because they've found that nasty, thoughtless jibes do make some children very unhappy about p.e.

I'm really shocked at a lot of you MNers on here. I think this has been MN at its worst.
Sure, there's a chance the OP may be a troll, like any poster on any thread, but haven't any of you considered that she may genuinely have worries about this?

blueshoes · 04/08/2010 21:12

OP has raised a valid concern. If a child is concerned about changing in front of the opposite sex at this age, the school needs to make provisions.

I do send my dd to an all girls' school and now feeling quite glad of it since some schools and parents apparently don't take a child's need for privacy seriously.

Glad this thread has calmed down. Yesterday's posts reminded of a bunch of witches swooping around on their broomsticks, and it was not the OP.

rusmum · 04/08/2010 21:25

genuine Q- what the hel is a troll?

scottishmummy · 04/08/2010 21:29

troll=internet user who purposefully/maliciously posts provocative content to get a reaction.taking the piss basically

PixieOnaLeaf · 04/08/2010 21:31

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PauloNuttella · 04/08/2010 21:38

Pixie - my dc's had no body image problems, until other children at school make inevitable coments about body image (I've been a 9 year old girl, I remember).
At 8 or 9, dc's are far more self aware, and outside influences are stronger than when the child is only 5 or 6, when home is the biggest influence of all.

PixieOnaLeaf · 04/08/2010 21:49

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rusmum · 04/08/2010 21:52

THANKS didnt know. WHY????

PixieOnaLeaf · 04/08/2010 21:54

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MadAboutQuavers · 04/08/2010 22:13

I'm fairly new to MN and I've found some of the posters on this thread incredibly abusive. "Playground bullying" and gang-mentality displayed by grown women is highly unpleasant; jumping on the bandwagon to give the OP a personal dig isn't the most intelligent response.

For what it's worth OP, I don't think YABU at all.

scottishmummy · 04/08/2010 22:20

there's the rub maq,opinions differ.you in turn are now having a go at posters calling them abusive and playground bullies.so does that even things out?the pleasure of mn you will get divergent opinions expressed,and vociferously too.

Lougle · 04/08/2010 22:23

What about suggesting that the school has a screen that can be pulled across the classroom to provide separate changing areas, OP? They are very inexepensive, and then there is no issue regarding supervision. Perhaps you could fundraise to purchase it for the school.

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