to be upset my dd1 dont want me visiting her in hospital after her birth

[notfeelinggreat]

she now 41 weeks and she just told me she don't want me going to see her or new baby in hospital and i have to wait while she comes home after being in over night or more .

i understand if that's what she wishers but it as hurt me lots in fact am crying over this, i don't interfere usually but i have told her i am very hurt over this and asked why she don't want me visiting , she didnt really have an answer, but i think it may be her boyfriend or is she ashamed of me? i know they need time when then the baby comes as a family but i would live a little visit to see it, i know she worked up at this moment in time as she just wants her baby out.

am i being unreasonable to think i should be able to go and see my grandchild in hospital after its born? as anyone else had this and still been able to go and see when they come?

she wants me to have the baby when she goes back to work but yet she closing me out so ealy on.

OP it is her baby and she is the mother - it has nothing to do with you.

YUABU.

Mother and baby should have time to bond, it is very important. Stay away.

I will be telling my parents-in-law (no family of my own thankfully) that when number 3 is due, they will not be seeing him/her for at least 2 weeks and when they do they will not be allowed to hold him/her.

notfeelinggreat - I think the best way to procede would be to get your mind of yourself and your "hurt" feelings and think about what might be going on with your daughter right now. Any day now she's about to push out her baby However she wants to go about this let her do it her way - this is not about you.

To get back to the OP, perhaps some of the hurt comes from her DD not "really" having an answer as to why she doesn't want visitors.

The OP has been left to speculate, sometimes painfully, as to Her DD's reasons and this, in itself is hurtful.

I think it might be wise just to leave it and see what happens. She could have her DC early in the morning and be home later that day or she could be in for a few days if she has a c-section.

Could it be that her DPs parents are also keen to see the baby and they feel that it's fairer to ask you both to wait a day rather than have potentially lots of people coming in to visit a few hours after the birth?

uh oh beware granzilla

I don't remember where I read it, but there was a blog entry from a grandmother who was dealing with the same situation, who had come to terms with it all by realising that when her daughter was little, she was at the centre of her daughters world, but that as her daughter grew up, and found a partner, that pushed her a little further away from the centre, as did moving away, getting a job, and having a child of her own. Whereas for the mother (grandmother), the daughter (new mum) always stayed right at the centre.

She had come to accept that the relationship looked different from each side, and that that was normal.

She wrote it much more beautifully than my attempt to explain it, and it fit so well. It's true - whereas when you're younger, the first person you would call on if you're in pain is your mum, as you grow up it changes to partners (or friends) and hard as it seems, that's part of having an adult relationship with your children.

I dont think you are being that U imo...I had my mother at both of births...big whoop!...shes your mum ffs not your MIL!...my mum saw her grandchild straight after birth gave me support and love and then left me to be with my DDs and my DH I was not pissed off she was there?? does this sound like something she would normally request?...try not to let it affect your relationship with your DD and visit her as soon as she 'allows'

chunkypickle you've put it v well, I was thinking the same thing but along the lines of, my children would always come first, and my mother's children would come first for her too, but my mother's needs come after my children's and my dh's as her mother came after us and my dad...

being a mum is all about loving someone more than they'll ever love you imo.

I think she may well change her mind. I know my way of dealing with the utter terror of labour was to close down. The thought of anyone being around - even my mum - felt unbearable as I could barely cope as it was (ds was prem & I was being induced).

My way of coping is to be alone & at those times the only person I can bear to have near me is DP. And I totally love my mum but she often fusses & needs mothering herself & I just needed to look after me and DS.

For me it felt primal. The urge to withdraw and protect both me and DS. Almost to hide.

But after DS was born - & actually the labour was OK - I felt different.

It sounds like the OPs daughter is feeling scared and fed up, so cut her some slack. Those people posting saying 'well, I just wanted everyone with me in hospital' - good on you, but have the imagination to understand that not everyone is like you. We are all different, we all cope in different ways.

Sometimes it's not about you - sometimes it's about how the other person feels. And a pregnant woman, or a woman giving birth, has every right to behave 'irrationally' or in a 'hurtful' manner.

If you love your kids, you recognise that one day they will leave you & be separate from you. It will KILL me when my DS doesn't need me, but at the same time I'll be proud of him for making his own life, away from me. I'll respect his wishes, even if I don't agree with them.

BTW, I am pregnant and deeply hormonal, so sorry if this is all of a gush.

RobynLou, that's lovely.

I guess it must be hard as a mum to realise that your child's DP has replaced you in the 'prime support' role.

And MumCentrePlus - saying she's not your MIL is a bit mean to MILs - she's the other granny. I guess some woman do still rely on their mum's for support, but a lot of us don't and therefore see our mums visiting as no less stressful than ILs.

I can see both sides.

I had my mum and husband with me at the birth, but that was all - no other visitors. I needed my mum there, but I appreciate that different people have different relationships with their mothers, in laws etc.

The other thing is that you (and your DD) do not know how the birth will go. It may go great, your DD may feel elated and welcome you to the hospital with open arms. I did this with DD1. No major problems, and I was happy for the world and his dog to come and visit me at the hospital.

However, the birth may not be great and she may need that time to get herself together. I had this with DD2, it was a horrendous experience, I was catheterized after the birth and I just didn't want people coming to see me whilst I was in that state, having physio post birth.

It really isn't about you - Giving birth can be hugely traumatic and your DD will need to do what gets her through the situation best. I think if you can see this, it is less hurtful because it is not personal.

Good luck though, and hopefully you'll get a call to go and visit when all goes well and your DD wants to show her shiny new baby to the world.

I know that when I had DD I had planned to stay in the MLU for a couple of days and didn't want any visitors for 24 hours. We are very close to both sets of parents and I am closer to my Mum than anyone else in the world (I am an only child) but I really wanted that first day to be all about DH, me and this new life we had brought into the world. I just wanted some time alone before showing her to everyone.

In the event I didn't go to the MLU, didn't have time, was discharged after 5 hours and was begging my parents, his parents and any old Tom Dick or Harry to come ASAP so I could show off how clever I was ! In fact my Mum was in the hairdressers and I was so eager to parade DD that we went there on our way home from the hospital with our 4 hour old baby

So you may well find that, when it happens, your daughter has a complete change of heart

OP, you say that you have a 3yr old - so you've fairly recently been through what your dd is about to go through.

When you had your 3yr old, when did your dd want to come to visit you? and when did you want her to come and visit you? Did you have different expectations then? Or if your mum is still around, when did she visit you and when did you have visitors in hospital?

And did she see you early on, maybe in pain or struggling against tiredness or having a succession of visitors and not being able to get started properly on breast feeding or getting out and going to the loo without blood leaking out all over the place or who knows?

But she might have been there and thought - if it ever happens to me, I'd like it to happen differently.

People are expecting to stay less and less time in hospital these days - ds1 is 5, ds2 is 2 and even between those two, first time around people were talking about staying in hospital for a day and then an overnight and going out. Second time, the overnight had shifted to being the night the baby was borning and going out the next day - as it was I stuck around for 4 hours before going home. She might be hoping that the same will be happening for her - just enough time in hospital for getting tidied up and sorted out and then home. There must have been a point when you were having your 3 yr old between the baby being born and getting washed afterwards, getting checks done, having a snack, that you were just getting over giving birth and then you were relaxed and ready to see people (other than partner and medical staff!) - and that if people had come in earlier you would have felt uncomfortable. Your dd doesn't know when that is going to be for her so she is trying to make sure that she isn't caught out by anyone turning up when she isn't ready to see them.

Could you maybe say to her that, if she ends up in hospital for more than a day, then could you pop in during visitor hours just for 10 mins, bring her anything she wants and see both dd and baby.

Do you think she is worried that you are going to try to turn up as soon as the baby is out, before she has had a chance to have a shower or get cleaned up or talk through personal stuff with the doctors and midwives or even have a cuddle with the baby herself?

There are lots of posts on here where new mums have had horrible experiences where their mum or MIL has barged in and taken over the baby while the poor new mum who has just had the baby can't get their baby back or is trying to breast feed for the first time with an unwanted audience or just wants to go to sleep while the baby has a sleep and can't because there are people there.

It's worth reading some of them to get their point of view. If you do ask your daughter again, you need to be sure that you will reassure her that you won't visit until she is ready to receive visitors, whenever that may be for all the different reasons, and let her know that she can change her mind at any time, you still love her and will be there for her.

Yes, she's your dd. But she's also got a great extra load of horrible hormones whizzing around inside her, if it's her first child she has probably read or heard about all sorts of scare stories, is worried about how labour will affect her and how she will cope afterwards.

and remember too that it is very easy to tell people before the birth that you don't want visitors and then, if things go well, you feel OK, you can change your mind and people will be pleased. But, if you tell people that you will have visitors, but things don't go as well as you hope, or you are feeling rotten, whatever, it is much more difficult to tell people not to come once you have already told them that they can IYSWIM. So hopefully she is just giving herself the space in case she needs it but knows that you would love to come if not!

oops. sorry, didn't realise that was quite such a long post

Anotherone saying that I don't think your DD is cutting you out from your grandchild.

She wants her private space!

Being her mum, yes you will have seen it all, but I would have been mortified if my mum had been sitting there seeing my blood-stained sheets, and I would not have wanted to get my boobs out for clumsy breastfeeding attempts.

I don't want my mother there when I give birth, we are close but I only want DH supporting me - is that cutting her out?

If it's a simple birth and I'm only in hospital overnight then I won't have any visitors at the hospital - why would my mother have more right to visit her grandchild than my inlaws.

It's their grandchild as well and with the limits our hospital puts on how many visitors at one time it would involve 2 seperate visits at a time when I'm trying to recover from giving birth.

If I'm in hospital for a couple of days then of course they can visit - and I didn't read anything that suggested that the OP was banned from the hospital for whatever the duration of her stay just asking her mum to wait for 24 hours.

I am so thankful that my daughter understands that she is still my baby girl, even though I have been with her as she has given birth to my darling grandchildren.
She is always my concern, as she is having no 4, I nag her about iron & sleeping etc, I have the kids when I can so she can rest, (haha, she is a force of nature)
Of course, I want to be there to welcome our newest little one into the family, but most of all I want to support her & her lovely partne.
After our wonderful granddaughter was born DD called in to see my mum, her nan on the way home from hospital as Mam was very frail. I thought that was one of the kindest things, and she named DGD after her.
Maybe OP's daughter is scared and feels out of control & will want to show off her baby after the birth, I do hope so. It has been my privilege and joy to see my grandchildren's births.
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"am i being unreasonable to think i should be able to go and see my grandchild in hospital after its born?"

Yes, if it´s not what your daughter wants.

Why do posters think that the OPs daughter is cutting her out?

Try "she didn't really have an answer". And the OP's unhappy speculations in the face of no answer.

And if that doesn't fit, consider the fact that the DD wants her mum to look after the baby when she goes back to work.

Why must she have an answer?
Why can´t the OP just accept her daughter´s wishes-even though they are hurtful to her?

The OP has had her babies and did things how she wanted.
Now it´s her daughter´s turn.

I didn't say she must have an answer, but her lack of an answer creates an area for misunderstanding and hurt.

Did the OP do what she wanted at her births? I may have missed this.

Well if she didn´t, it doesn´t mean her daughter can´t!

Yes it does create misunderstanding, but if they usually have a good relationship then I would try not to dwell on it too much.

OP doesn´t have to look after the baby if she doesn´t want to.

Her daughter has asked her not to visit in hospital-not told her she can never see the newborn.

It´s more than likely that she wants to see how things go.

I still maintain that when your mind is off yourself and on the other person, you don't feel 'hurt.' I don't particularly like the 'hurt' word - it gets branded about to imply some intentional injury was done. This poor girl is just about to give birth - it's called 'labour' for a reason, and she needs to prepare herself and concentrate on the task at hand.

In Ireland, only one person is allowed at the birth so I find the thought of mums as birthing partners really weird, actually. It's really not a right for a grandparent - despite the eternal pfb status of her dd1 - to be at the birth or to visit in hospital.

Also, let's have some sense of perspective about how long the OP's dd1 is likely to be in hospital. I gave birth at 2.20am and despite having a catheter/forceps delivery, I was discharged at 7pm the following day.
So, if my mum had been about, she would have missed out on a maximum of 12 hours of my new baby's life if I had chosen as the OP's dd1 has done. Chances are, if the OP's dd1 does have complications that mean she will be in hospital for longer, she will change her mind.

However, it is not a mean, malicious or hurtful thing to be frightened of the hours after birth before you even deliver and to question to what extent you want someone who loves you to be there to fuss over you. If it were a week's ban, maybe there would be a case to answer.. but some of you are choosing to interpret it as something to do with the grandmather rather than the more likely truth, that the OP's overdue daughter is simply freaking about birth.

As for you echt, what is your issue? You think the OP's dd1 is outrageous for wanting her mum involved in her child's life after those 12-24 hours immediately post-partum, as clearly her only motivation then will be to make a lackey of the OP and save on the quids when she goes back to work. No chance, then, that the OP's dd1 is a) too scared of birth to contemplate the aftermath, b) embarassed about her mum seeing bloodstained sheets or her clumsy attempts at bfing, c) worried her mum will fuss and/or take over (as even the very best mums can do in this situation, against their better instincts) when she is feeling vulnerable that she doesn't know what to do herself. So, if the OP's dd1 has any humanity or vulnerability in herself, this equates to her being crazily selfish and wanting to snub her mother unless she is doing the work of a cleaner or nanny? Big leap, wouldn't you say?