to be upset my dd1 dont want me visiting her in hospital after her birth

[notfeelinggreat]

she now 41 weeks and she just told me she don't want me going to see her or new baby in hospital and i have to wait while she comes home after being in over night or more .

i understand if that's what she wishers but it as hurt me lots in fact am crying over this, i don't interfere usually but i have told her i am very hurt over this and asked why she don't want me visiting , she didnt really have an answer, but i think it may be her boyfriend or is she ashamed of me? i know they need time when then the baby comes as a family but i would live a little visit to see it, i know she worked up at this moment in time as she just wants her baby out.

am i being unreasonable to think i should be able to go and see my grandchild in hospital after its born? as anyone else had this and still been able to go and see when they come?

she wants me to have the baby when she goes back to work but yet she closing me out so ealy on.

people have used the word Cruel, said the DD is cutting the mum out etc. All vet odd and extreme reactons.

The childcare arrangements they have decided on are a completely separate thing. The OP (and other posters) seems to think that her agreeing to look after the baby sometimes gives her the right to visit soon after the birth, when really it's completely unrelated.

Clearly the OP is having a very emotional reaction to her daughter's wishes, an over-reaction in my opinion and she needs to step back and look at the bigger picture and get a grip on her emotions.

very not vet!

I would pretty much place a bet that your dd and her dp had a discussion and that she was adamant she didn't want his mother there so he put his foot down and said if his Mum couldn't come then you couldn't come!

I can understand why you are upset OP. It might just be different family set ups and individuals. After my husband, my Mum was the first person I wanted to see our baby. She was waiting outside (as I had a c section). I knew how excited she was and I would have felt mean telling her not to visit for a day or two, but that's just me.

Unfortunately though you are just going to have to respect your daughter's wishes or it could cause the situation to turn into something much worse. You cannot exactly turn up unannounced or unwanted. She might change her mind anyway.

I personally think it is being very precious of your DD to not have immediate family at the hospital. I wouldn't have dreamed of excluding my family or DH's, although I would have expected them to ask before turning up. They did, so everyone was happy!

However your daughter has the right to request this and there is not much you can do about it. She may well be different with the second!

why on earrth is the op overreacting, it's her grandchild, the new grandchild will mean almost as much to her as her own children, especially as the op's dd wants her to look after the baby. Her DD is treating her like the paid help.
Mumsnet encourages families to be far too insular nowadays and it's really sad and scary.

I think she is over-reacting because she says she is crying over it and says "am i being unreasonable to think i should be able to go and see my grandchild in hospital after its born? "

there is no should about it, what the OP thinks should happen is not what is important here. The OP's DD should be able to make her own choices about what she feels is best for her and her new family immediately after the birth.

chipmonkey - good point.
also agree with bruffin - a village makes a child and all that.

The OP's dd clearly very much wants her mum involved in her new baby's life. She wants 12-24 hours to get to grips with the physical shock, too.

I don't see how wanting a few hours with her partner and new baby equates to the OP's dd being insular and mindless of the importance of family and community. It's a few hours! A few hours. Come on, folks.. think about it!

My grandmother told me that when she had her babies (all eight of them) she spent 10 days in bed alone with her baby. She grew up in the tightest knit community you can imagine. The rest of the community busied themselves taking care of first her house, feeding her husband and later when she had more than one, tending to her other children while she recovered from the birth. My dh's family, who are from a tightly-knit farming community, always offer to do housework/cooking in those early days.

This nonsense that it's all about "meeting" the baby, having "cuddles" and who's in the first photographs is rubbish. The OP could easily offer to do something helpful like make some meals or go round her daughters and tidy. Yet the dd, who is about to give birth, is precious for considering she might want to prioritise first bonding experiences with her child/perhaps establishing feeding vs allowing her mum to have this modern experience of grandparenting that - far from being family and community orientated, is actually about fulfilling the OP's desires.

A baby needs to attach with its parents and particularly seeks out its mum, especially if its feeding. Grandparents are secondary, like it or lump it.

OP, this was my experience of an early visit.

I had DS a few months ago, was discharged a couple of hours later mum was at home when I arrived and before he was 6 hours old all 4 grandparents were visiting (they asked when we called to say he'd been born and we felt we had to say yes). I really wish we'd had more time. I was utterly knackered from being up all night, was feeling sore and had a flood of blood every time I moved (sorry for TMI but you know how it is), was still shaking from the birth, couldn't trust myself to stand up and desperately wanted a proper shower (not the cold drippy shower in the only toilet working on the labour ward) some food and some sleep. The grandparents were so excited and kept wanting cuddles and photos. I was getting increasingly desperate as he'd not fed since birth and was feeling that desperate primeval 'get off my baby' feeling. I ended up hiding upstairs crying with the exhaustion and emotion of it all and when they'd gone I was on the phone to the hospital midwives because he'd got in to that too sleepy to feed state.

Mum and MIL are usually VERY thoughtful considerate people but with the excitement of it all they didn't really think. When they got home the phoned each other and realised that they hadn't been very helpful and both phoned to apologise. No harm done in the end but it did make the first day much more stressful and upsetting than I'd hoped and I was a bit tearful about the lack of consideration for me for the first week. It would have been MUCH better if I'd had a bit of time to recover, have shower/sleep/food and to lie in bed getting baby to feed. I can't see that that would have cut them out in any way and it would have been much better for us. With hindsight I wished we'd waited till the next morning.

Your DD doesn't know what her experience will be like. I had an easy birth and had bf before. She might not be so lucky. It's not at all unreasonable for her to want to see how she feels and then make a decision. I'm sure you feel you'd be considerate but it's easy to get caught up in the excitement. Just give her space and I'm sure she'll be keen to see you in a very short time.

Right. OP, I think you should read, and re-read, and then RE-READ the two posts above mine. Seriously.

I don't know what you're normally like, but (I'm trying to be kind here- I keep having to backspace and edit), you sound incredibly pushy, and self-centred right now. Rather like a friend's mother, who my friend had to ask not to come.

Your daughter has made it absolutely crystal clear that she wants you to be a massive part of her child's life with the childcare. But you're still driving yourself into a tizz because she wants to spend the first day after the labour and birth resting and recovering? Today, women are only kept as long as staff think there's medical need really, and sometimes not even that. She really, really, really might not be up to visitors.

It's a good thing she did ask you to help with childcare later on, isn't it, though. So you do have that reassurance that she wants you to be part of her child's family.

I am also going against the grain. I couldn't wait for my family to come and see me. In fact i preferred that they visit me in hospital so that i wouldn't feel the need to entertain them at home.
I can understand why the op's daughter may not want her mother there, but i would feel pissed off if i was the op, particularly as she is going to provide childcare.

She might change her mind when she's had the baby and want you around after all. Sounds like your DD is simply fed up with being pregnant, don't blame her, she's overdue and it's baking hot right now. YANBU to be upset at being shut out right now but neither is your DD.

YANBU to be upset, because it is the birth of your grandchild, but you woould BU not to respect her wishes.

My parents and PIL live far away and couldn't visit in hospital. Before the birth, I was sad that they couldn't live closer so they could visit. But after the birth (a long induction and eventually a c-section), I was glad that they couldn't come, because I didn't want my mum to see me looking so awful (all she would have done was worry about me) and all I really wanted to do was sleep - my SIL who lives nearby, visited me in hospital, without asking and it was the last thing I wanted.

She might change her mind, but otherwise, it's probably better for your relationship if you just wait until she says she's ready for visitors.

(By the way, I might be biased as I had a horrendous time pre- and post-birth in hospital and was driven mad by other people's visitors not respecting visiting times or maximum number of visitors while I was squashed in a bay with 6 women and their babies - I would have loved the person next to me to be your daughter and not had any vistors.)

Jeez so even when they have just had a baby a woman must always put what other people want ahead of what she wants?

I have sons, I am pretty sure if they have children I won't be seeing them immediately after the births. The new mum's needs and feelings are more important than the grandparents (or anyone else involved actually).

I´ve always considered myself close to my Mum, but tbh, after giving birth, my 1st thought wasn´t -must see mum!

Parents were told immediately, but visited the next day.

Had I not felt so well, who knows?

Arses - my issue? I thought I'd been clear enough, but here goes.

I have not ascribed outrageousness to the OP's DD. Nor have I said she is crazily selfish. Those are your words. I pointed out the fact that the OP's DD did not really have an "answer" as to why she didn't want her mum there. It's the lack of an explanation that is possibly leading to hurt, as I have said in another posts.

All the possible reasons you give for the DD not wanting her mum there are valid ones, but they haven't been stated by the DD, leaving the OP to making unhappy inferences.

The fact that she wants her mum to take care of her child later is a another matter. The DD is clear enough about her need in this respect. The disparity between being very clear when she wants her mum for a considerable commitment of her time, and unclear when turning her down for a visit, accounts for my metaphorically raised eyebrows.

And please don't tell me what I'm thinking, you're not a mind reader - stick to what I say.

There does seem to be a massive amount of projection and over-reaction on this thread, to be honest. 'Cutting her mum out'? Really?

Grandparents do not have an automatic right to be there.

OP - it's understandable you might be feeling upset but I'm sure your daughter has her reasons. I hope you are not trying to make her feel bad about this.

Op is clearly not making her daughter feel bad! She is hurt and weepy (guess she is not enjoying seeing daughter stressed and tired) and had a grumble here. There is a lot if bollocks on this thread. It is not unreasonable to be upset, it would be unreasonable to override her daughters wishes.

Go the whole hog honey. Tell your daughter how proud you are that she feels comfortable enough to ask you to give her some space. I think this indicates a lovely relationship between you two.

Hope all goes well, and your fears regarding the babys health are unfounded.

Dry your eyes. She'll probably be home within 24 hours and then you'll have the rest of your life to bond with your grandchild. Dont be such a drama queen! This is your daughter's time, not yours.

Echt:
RE: "And please don't tell me what I'm thinking, you're not a mind reader - stick to what I say. "

This is neither a court of law nor a university tutorial. A discussion board such as this one, particularly when dealing with domestic and emotional issues, invites the reading of minds. Your post illustrates how you, too, have been mindreading and extrapolating:

e.g.

in response to being asked why other posters felt the OP's dd1 was "cutting her out", you responded:

^Try "she didn't really have an answer". And the OP's unhappy speculations in the face of no answer.

And if that doesn't fit, consider the fact that the DD wants her mum to look after the baby when she goes back to work.^

I feel there is adequate text here for me to draw an inference here, and to apply language to that inference that makes sense to me. If you want less reading of subtext in your posts, you could add more detail to direct other posters in their thinking. In your post above, you mention the clarity of the OP's dd1's communication with her mum relating to a) her future childcare arrangements and b) who she would like present at the birth, as a reason for "metaphorically raised eyebrows" despite knowing nothing of the detail or context of either of those discussions. You are reading between the lines, as did I.

Words, words, words: they're all we have to go on. In your words and their placement relative to the words of other posters, I read a judgement of the OP's dd1 which I responded to.

I don't think the disparity in the manner of the OP's dd1's communication regarding two separate issues means very much at all. I don't think we can possibly read anything into it given that we don't know anything about the dynamic of the OP's relationship with her daughter or, for that matter, the internal dynamic of the OP's dd1 relating to the imminent birth.

However, we will project and intepret based on the words we read; post responses that are reformulations of our own thoughts and experiences and, to strip it down, attempt to read minds. None of it is objectively true in any real sense. So I make no apologies for not sticking to your words or reading your mind. The board (and most human intercourse) wouldn't get far without it.

" This is your daughter's time, not yours. "

Gagghh! I hate that idea (sorry reasonabledoubt). No-one is an island. Why do we have to have 'our time' - in most cases any event involved many people to differing extents. Do we really demand the right to play the leading role at the expense of other people. And does that mean that means that when we've done with child-bearing, weddings, christenings, all the BIG events, that we should just quietly accept being shunted off to a corner to watch passively while other people live their lives. Fuck me! Where's the phone number of that clinic in Switzerland?

If you can't have a day's rest after you've just given birth, when can you?? I remember being shunted out of the recovery room after my first c-section and being expected to greet relatives and pass my baby around within hours. To serve what purpose?! Could they really not have waited a day?

Unless my DD / DS & DIL want me there, I won't be rushing to the hospital the minute their babies are born.

I watch those American birth programmes sometimes, where the whole family is waiting outside the delivery room, camcorders at the ready, and it makes me want to puke. Is nothing sacred?

Quite agree. I had a chance to recover before my vistors turned up. But I was happy to see my parents and MIL long before I'd have been happy to see every other bugger who wanted to come

But when my first son was born I was aware that it was my parents' 'time' as well to a different extent. First grandchild is significant too.

dontdisstheteens - I think when you go all weepy and 'hurt' it DOES give people a guilt trip and make them feel bad. In a siuation like this I believe the OP must keep her sensibilities in check around her daughter. Her own sensibilities are not a priority - it's the daughter who is in the crisis situation - just about to give birth.