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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL has crossed the line... don't know what to do?

204 replies

PiscesLondon · 22/07/2010 21:49

firstly, i'm not a MIL basher at all. my MIL is helpful, kind and a good person and we get on well.

i don't post alot but some of you may remember a couple of months back i mentioned on a thread that my MIL had a dangerous dog (pitbull type) it's HUGE, very possessive of MIL and goes absolutely beserk when my 9 month of DD is at her home. when my OH and i visit with DD, we insist it's locked of the room, actually locked out with the key in the door (she has locks on every door) but TBH we don't visit much (about once a month) because the dog barks and growls non stop and it's not nice to sit and listen to for anyone. PIL come to our home instead once a week to see baby and MIL takes her out for a few hours to the park or to visit MIL's brother.

from the word go OH and i have insisted that MIL doesn't take DD home with her on the days she takes her out. last time dog was around a child (MIL'S nephew) the dog went for him god forbid if the dog got out of the locked room their is no way MIL could control it. she has agreed with me and told me she understands although she still makes the odd snide comment about it not being able to get through a locked door.

today she took my DD home with her for the day behind my back and i'm thinking that this may have been a regular occurance. i'm really hurt that she hasn't respected my wishes and angry that she thinks she has the right to take such a risk.

OH and i have spoken to her, obviously the first thing we said was that we weren't happy that she went behind our backs. her response was that she locked the dog out all day and that she wasn't stupid. she was really defensive and a bit pissed off and said 'it's pathetic' normally i would be so angry and lose my temper but i stayed really calm and explained that as a mother i didn't want that risk being taken. TBH i am a bit pissed off with myself as i felt really awkward and was worried about upsetting her too much, now i feel i didn't stand my ground enough and i need to make it clearer that it's my child and my rules. OH lead the conversation and basically said she was a great grandmother and the problem wasn't with her, just the dog but she better not do it again. 'ok' was her response

i'm still angry, my daughter's safety is more important that anyones feelings and had it been a member of my family i'd have gone beserk! AIBU to want to bring this up again and make it clear that she does this again and she isn't seeing her without supervision?

what would you do in my position? i'm genuinely upset about this.

OP posts:
OrmRenewed · 22/07/2010 21:50

SHe's said OK. Isn't that enough?

lowenergylightbulb · 22/07/2010 21:51

YANNNNNNNat-allBU.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 22/07/2010 21:52

TBH if I was in you position I wouldn't be letting MIL see her again without supervision EVER.

secunda · 22/07/2010 21:52

YANBU. Sometimes you need to really shout at people to get your point across. I think you were a bit too laid-back about it.

HumphreyCobbler · 22/07/2010 21:52

I wouldn't trust her with my daughter on her own. It is beyond my comprehension that someone should want to own a dog like that anyway, but then I am not a dog lover.

It always seems to be a relative's dog that is especially dangerous to children too, rather than a dog owned by the immediate family.

mitochondria · 22/07/2010 21:52

YANBU.

Why does MIL have to "take" daughter somewhere without you? Is she providing childcare for the day?

I'd be very very cross too - it's not just about the dog, but more that she deliberately went against your wishes, and presumably lied to you to.

Can you trust her not to do it again?

lowenergylightbulb · 22/07/2010 21:53

No Orm, the OP had made it clear that she didn't want her kid in the house. How can she now have any confidence that the MIL will (a) not take the child to her house again and (b) lock the dog away?

SpiderObsession · 22/07/2010 21:55

Bring it up again. This is not a situation to sweep under the carpet. It sounds like there is a real chance that this dog would go for your DD if it's not put away properly. Your MIL needs to know this is a "deal breaker". She takes DD back to her house she doesn't get DD anymore.

LolaKnickers · 22/07/2010 21:56

agree with insertwittynickname.

She may intend to lock the dog out all day, butI can imagine a gradual erosion of this - just while I feed it, just to tell the dog to be quiet, etc etc

I get annoyed by far less serious things (white bread, too many biscuits etc) so definitely not unreasonable in the case of a big snarling dog.

booyhoo · 22/07/2010 21:56

i wouldn't let MIL have her again after that. that is a real breach of trust and the fact that it was about safety of your DD and not just something like giving her sweets behind your back would make me sooo angry.

SalFresco · 22/07/2010 21:57

YANBU

The fact it has already gone for a child would make me extremely anxious.

NarkyPuffin · 22/07/2010 21:57

"last time dog was around a child (MIL'S nephew) the dog went for him"

My child would not set foot in that house.

lifeas3plus1 · 22/07/2010 21:58

I think YAB a teeny bit U.

She said the dog was locked out all day.
Both your husband and yourself asked her not to do it again and she agreed to that.

I'd leave it for now and save "Shouting to get your point across" for the next time she goes behind your back with anything. You never know it might of been a one of and you won't need to talk to her again.

SenoraPostrophe · 22/07/2010 21:59

I don't know, the dog is in a locked room after all.

if it was around the child, it would be a different thing.

Pluto · 22/07/2010 21:59

YANBU and given the circumstances you were amazing to stay so calm...but I think this was probably the right approach this time. I don't think you should bring it up again unless you aren't convinced by her agreement. If you have even the tiniest doubt that she can't be trusted then you'll have to have a plan B.

If there is ever a next time (whether you believe her "OK" or not is so important in all of this) then you must consider what your other options are.

thisisyesterday · 22/07/2010 22:01

i guess it depends how well you trust her

do you totally believe that she would lock the dog out the whole time? if so then no problem

if you have any concerns that she would allow it into contact with your daughter then you are well within your rights to not allow her to take her there

booyhoo · 22/07/2010 22:01

lifeas3plusone, with something as important as my child getting it's face ripped off i wouldn't be risking her "going behind your back with anything" another time. sorry but OP and her husband had expressed their wishes and MIL agreed to this and now she has gone behind their backs, i wouldn't trust her not to do it again. and the risk isn't worth the benefit of the doubt.

wannaBe · 22/07/2010 22:02

I am going to go against the grain here and say that you are overreacting.

The dog was locked away. Your daughter was not at risk.

If you trust your mil to look after your child then you have to trust her judgement as well.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 22/07/2010 22:03

The MIL has defied the request to keep the child away from a possibly dangerous dog (certainly an aggressive one) and thinks that the OP is being pathetic by making a fuss.

I would not trust her to not do the same again to be honest. And if something were to happen, you would not be able to not blame yourself as she had done it before, IYSWIM.

YANBU _ I would not allow your child in her house as long as she has the dog. I would also not let her take her to the park again by herself. This sounds harsh but she has proven that she can't be trusted. I would not allow my family to sway me, nor tell me I was being unreasonable as my child is irreplaceable.

kitbit · 22/07/2010 22:03

If she didn't agree with you and went against your wishes behind your back I wouldn't trust her not to do it again since she obviously doesn't see your point. If she doesn't see your point she wont stick to it.

OK if it's "please no sweets" but if it's a dangerous dog that has already attacked a child and snarls when your baby is nearby, there would be no way I would put the safety of my child about the slightly ruffled feathers of MIL who is an adult and should know better. If the dog attacks your baby it's not just "oh dear, MIL made a mistake".

FakePlasticTrees · 22/07/2010 22:04

I think you have to stop her having your DD alone. She can see your DD at your house, or with you or DH with her too, but I wouldn't take the risk.

LolaKnickers · 22/07/2010 22:05

I don't think it really matters whether the dog was locked away. The issue is the MIL made a promise, relating to a concern which you may not agree with but is very real, and then broke that promise and rode roughshod over the parents wishes.

wannaBe · 22/07/2010 22:05

so do people genuinely think that a dog can break through a locked door then?

NarkyPuffin · 22/07/2010 22:07

I adore dogs. I would not have my child in the same house as a dog like that. It takes a split second for something to go wrong eg someone not shutting a door properly.

hairymelons · 22/07/2010 22:07

Definately NBU.

'Ok' is not enough, she should have been really sorry about going behind your back. She said it was 'pathetic'? She ought to want to protect your DD as much as you do, and you ought to be able to trust her to do so.

I also agree it has potential to be a slippery slope. I would be hopping mad about the abuse of trust and anxious that it could happen again. Not on.

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