MIL has crossed the line... don't know what to do?

[PiscesLondon]

firstly, i'm not a MIL basher at all. my MIL is helpful, kind and a good person and we get on well.

i don't post alot but some of you may remember a couple of months back i mentioned on a thread that my MIL had a dangerous dog (pitbull type) it's HUGE, very possessive of MIL and goes absolutely beserk when my 9 month of DD is at her home. when my OH and i visit with DD, we insist it's locked of the room, actually locked out with the key in the door (she has locks on every door) but TBH we don't visit much (about once a month) because the dog barks and growls non stop and it's not nice to sit and listen to for anyone. PIL come to our home instead once a week to see baby and MIL takes her out for a few hours to the park or to visit MIL's brother.

from the word go OH and i have insisted that MIL doesn't take DD home with her on the days she takes her out. last time dog was around a child (MIL'S nephew) the dog went for him god forbid if the dog got out of the locked room their is no way MIL could control it. she has agreed with me and told me she understands although she still makes the odd snide comment about it not being able to get through a locked door.

today she took my DD home with her for the day behind my back and i'm thinking that this may have been a regular occurance. i'm really hurt that she hasn't respected my wishes and angry that she thinks she has the right to take such a risk.

OH and i have spoken to her, obviously the first thing we said was that we weren't happy that she went behind our backs. her response was that she locked the dog out all day and that she wasn't stupid. she was really defensive and a bit pissed off and said 'it's pathetic' normally i would be so angry and lose my temper but i stayed really calm and explained that as a mother i didn't want that risk being taken. TBH i am a bit pissed off with myself as i felt really awkward and was worried about upsetting her too much, now i feel i didn't stand my ground enough and i need to make it clearer that it's my child and my rules. OH lead the conversation and basically said she was a great grandmother and the problem wasn't with her, just the dog but she better not do it again. 'ok' was her response

i'm still angry, my daughter's safety is more important that anyones feelings and had it been a member of my family i'd have gone beserk! AIBU to want to bring this up again and make it clear that she does this again and she isn't seeing her without supervision?

what would you do in my position? i'm genuinely upset about this.

Sorry, I sounded quite bossy then. Didn't mean to

YADNBU. Your MIL has proven herself to be perfectly capable of ignoring and belittling your wishes and concerns and then lying to you about it. She clearly doesn't even believe the dog poses a threat to your DD, in which case how can you expect her to be as vigilant about keeping them apart as you are, quite apart from the honesty issues?

However, I do think you should ask your DH to be the one to tell her she's not looking after DD next week and why. It could get quite confrontational and, without wishing to generalise, a son can probably get away with a bit more directness than a DIL (or AIBU?)

one ting nobody have said yet, whatever you decide and end up doing, don't let it make you feel bad about yourself, you are a good mother and have your child's best interest at heart, if you have to cut access to your mil, don't feel guilty, just think you are protecting your child.

YAabsolutely and definitelyNBU. Does your MIL not read the newspapers?? How on earth could she put one of her grandchildren at risk like that. I would be so furious I wouldn't be responsible for what I'd say to her.

i can't tell you how valuable your comments have been, it's really helped me assess the situation clearly. thanks so much for everyone taking the time to reply.

so far, i haven't spoken to her today. DD and i have been out early and won't be going back home until later, so nothing else has been said as yet. OH has told me he has said his piece to her and that he's keeping out of it now. he seems to believe she won't take the risk again but i NEED to say more. i am so angry that i didn't get my point across properly when i had the chance. quite how i'm going to bring it up and word it, i don't know?

i haven't made a decision about what will happen in september, i'm thinking maybe she can have her for the few hours in her sister's house, or her brother's house so that DD still gets to see the family (she enjoys this as she is made such a fuss of) i will insist on dropping DD off and picking her up 3 hrs later after college, and MIL must take her mobile phone. but then can i take the risk? how can i be certain she won't go against my wishes again? my mother and best friend are livid (my mother never gets involved but i had to tell her in this instance for some advice) they are saying she's alot safer in nursery and that MIL was so out of order for disregarding my wishes as a parent - basically what alot of you are saying.

i think it's obvious that even with OH and i present, it's not the greatest idea to visit with DD. it's not fair on the dog i suppose and then we'd be sending MIL mixed signals.

Why are you still thinking of giving in to her?

Your daughter does not have to be alone with your MIL for them to have a relationship imo.

YANBU, and it sounds like she will do it again too.

I have to disagree with most posters here and say I do think YAbitU.

CAREFUL - can i ask why? would be genuinely interested in your opinion.

Have to agree with diddl - whats going to change in septemeber?

Is it worth the risk?

As everyone else has said, the owners always say, he's never done anything like this before - well of course he hasn't otherwise he'd have been destroyed!!!! Are you prepared for your child to be the first one that the dog attacks properly.

And as for your DH not getting involved anymore, this is the safety of his daughter, he's involved whether he likes it or not. I suggested before and I'll repeat, get some pictures to show your DH and MIL.

DO NOT GIVE IN UNLESS SHE ARE 100% SHE UNDERSTANDS AND IS GENUINELY SORRY!

Hi PiscesLondon, just read through this thread & I also want to say that YANBU, definitely not. I would certainly never allow my DS (age 2) anywhere in a house with a pitbull / rottweiler in it, and generally I don't trust dogs around toddlers, particularly toddler that the dogs are not familiar with. I know people have different opinions about dogs & how safe they are, but I go by what my DP has told me, who has had dogs all his life & adores them: that at the end of the day dogs shouldn't be trusted blindly, particularly around children, whatever their owner says.

I would be really pissed of if a family member or friend didn't take my concerns seriously & to be honest if I were you I wouldn't risk it. I'd sit down my MIL (if you feel comfortable doing it), together with your husband, and have a very open & honest conversation. If she minimises the whole thing in any way (even implicitly) it seems to me you then have to find the courage to say that you simply won't allow your daughter with her because you don't feel certain she'll follow your wishes. She won't like it & will probably react badly, but it's up to your DH to deal with that, and it's really really not worth taking the risk.

Oops sorry posted too soon.

The way I read it, you like and respect your MIL and generally have a good relationship. She has herself agreed that the dog is not safe to have around your DD, and has agreed to lock the dog in another room when your DD is present.

You say she takes your DD out for a few hours, to the park or visiting her brother. I'm assuming she can't just visit her brother whenever she feels like it. And you said yourself it was very heavy rain, which I suspect which is why she took your daughter home rather than to the park.

I agree she shouldn't have done this behind your back but it does seem a bit of an unfair rule anyway, to not allow her to look after her granddaughter in her own home.

Dogs can't get through locked doors. You have raised it with your MIL and asked her not to do it again, and she has said OK.

Sorry, I realise this might sound like I'm trying to be unpleasant but I'm not, just trying to think of it from your MIL's point of view.

Careful, why on earth is it 'an unfair rule'?! There's a reason for the rule: there's a pitbull in the house!! You are wrong about dogs not being able to get through locked doors. As other posters have said, in some cases yes they can get through locked doors. But more importantly, it's the sense of non-safety that this situation creates in the OP, why the hell should she have to wonder/worry all the time whether the MIL makes a mistake (mistakes DO happen, you know)& leaves the door open?

And at the end of the day, why is it important to see the MIL's point of view in this case? The parents of the child have made a decision- a perfectly fair & justified one- & the MIL needs to respect their wishes, particularly in such an important matter!!

YANBU. I would not trust her alone with your DD again. There may be other issues at a later stage that your MIL disregards because she thinks you are being "pathetic" (niiiice) - not worth taking that risk, imo.

You want to know how to bring it up with her - it's going to happen immediately she asks to have DD again. You are going to say "No, you cannot have her on your own because you went against my explicit wishes and I cannot trust you". BUt you can say it in whatever way you like - and I would imagine it would create a row, wherein you can get as angry as yoy want to. What happens next is going to be a bit tricky though.

Your MIL appears to think you are an over-protective loon - that's not respectful of you or your wishes. So far she has kept the dog locked away; who's to say that at some point she wouldn't decide to "introduce" the dog to your DD 'under supervision', just to get them used to each other? And that could go so very bloody wrong. Several of the more recent stories of child-mauling have involved grandparents' dogs, iirc - they just don't seem to get it, for whatever reason.

Your OH has to be more involved with this - it's his DM, fgs, and his DD too. He's not God, he doesn't hand down his Word and everyone listens and makes notes - sometimes things have to be said more than once to the same person for reinforcement - "saying your piece" isn't always good enough.

Anyway - I remember your previous thread about her and I really think you have to just tell her that she's blown it and she has no one to blame for it other than herself.

Yes, the word 'pathetic' grated on my nerves too... would really really hate someone in my family (or anyone else really, but family even more) to say something I feel so strongly about is pathetic.

I find confrontations really hard, so I sympathize with that aspect of it, yes it won't be easy to deal with the whole thing with her. But what's your alternative really? I think it's really important to get your DH on board, even if he throws a strop, he needs to be involved & that will take a lot of pressure off you.

YANBU.

You asked her not to take your daughter to her house hen she has her. She did.

Did she tell you she had done it or did you find out another way?

I think you need to say more. Saying if you trust her to look after her, you should trust her judgement, is just ridiculous. You asked her to not do one thing, she did it, how can you trust her to lock the dog away if she says she will?

Your daughter is far more important than her feelings. Plenty of children have no grand parents, they do fine. Hell, some of us do fine without parents.

I think I'd put the baby in nursery, tbh. If your MIL is not a mobile phone person then you cannot make her like them or use them effectively in the way that many people would. And to ask her to have the LO regularly but only go to other people's houses is weird and just won't happen, long term.

I agree that the dog can't get through a locked door.

However, if they are caring dog owners, the dog isn't being locked up for hours on end, they are opening the door so that they can pop in to play with the dog, check it has enough water, find out why it is barking and annoying the neighbours etc. etc.

This is what happened when my parents put their rather bouncy dog in another room when my children were small. The difference is that when the dog did inevitably bound in to see everybody, any adult member of the family could restrain it if necessary.

Fact 1, Your mil has a vicious dog.

Fact 2,The dog has already gone for another child.

Fact.3.So frightening was the first attack that the child's father will no longer take his child to the house.

Fact.4 Your mil has proved herself to be untrustworthy, a liar and disrespectful or your wishes.

What else do you need to hear that will reassure you that YADNBU.

Do not ever let your MIL have your DD until the dog is gone.

I once dealt with a case where a young dog belonging to a pub was attacking babies/toddlers in their beer garden. I remember the dog warden saying "once they have attacked once they will do it again"

There is no way I would be leaving my DD if there was the slightest doubt in my mind that she was totally and absolutely safe.

And she thinks your being pathetic ? Maybe she'd like t speak to these parents (apol for DM link !!) www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1138608/Baby-boy-mauled-death-dogs-bitten-20-times.html

perhaps your MIL needs to read this www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1297053/Toddler-mauled-death-FIVE-pit-bull-terriers-horri fic-attack.html

sorry x post

careful if the MIL did indeed acknowledge that the dog is dangerous then I would agree with you. But she doesn't. She has even dismissed the dog's attack on her nephew as 'playing' and describes the op's worries about the dog as 'pathetic'. This is why I wouldn't trust her in the OP's position. Because the MIL does not believe that her dog is a danger. So it is quite possible that she is not going to be 100% strict about keeping the dog locked away from the baby. After all, she doesn't see her pet as a vicious animal. So the baby's parents CANNOT afford to trust her with their child.

Dog owners love dogs, so their opinion of their dog will be very different from everyone elses. I wouldn't be surprised if she introduces the Op's child to the dog just to prove that it's okay, then down the slippery complacent slope we go!