MIL has crossed the line... don't know what to do?

[PiscesLondon]

firstly, i'm not a MIL basher at all. my MIL is helpful, kind and a good person and we get on well.

i don't post alot but some of you may remember a couple of months back i mentioned on a thread that my MIL had a dangerous dog (pitbull type) it's HUGE, very possessive of MIL and goes absolutely beserk when my 9 month of DD is at her home. when my OH and i visit with DD, we insist it's locked of the room, actually locked out with the key in the door (she has locks on every door) but TBH we don't visit much (about once a month) because the dog barks and growls non stop and it's not nice to sit and listen to for anyone. PIL come to our home instead once a week to see baby and MIL takes her out for a few hours to the park or to visit MIL's brother.

from the word go OH and i have insisted that MIL doesn't take DD home with her on the days she takes her out. last time dog was around a child (MIL'S nephew) the dog went for him god forbid if the dog got out of the locked room their is no way MIL could control it. she has agreed with me and told me she understands although she still makes the odd snide comment about it not being able to get through a locked door.

today she took my DD home with her for the day behind my back and i'm thinking that this may have been a regular occurance. i'm really hurt that she hasn't respected my wishes and angry that she thinks she has the right to take such a risk.

OH and i have spoken to her, obviously the first thing we said was that we weren't happy that she went behind our backs. her response was that she locked the dog out all day and that she wasn't stupid. she was really defensive and a bit pissed off and said 'it's pathetic' normally i would be so angry and lose my temper but i stayed really calm and explained that as a mother i didn't want that risk being taken. TBH i am a bit pissed off with myself as i felt really awkward and was worried about upsetting her too much, now i feel i didn't stand my ground enough and i need to make it clearer that it's my child and my rules. OH lead the conversation and basically said she was a great grandmother and the problem wasn't with her, just the dog but she better not do it again. 'ok' was her response

i'm still angry, my daughter's safety is more important that anyones feelings and had it been a member of my family i'd have gone beserk! AIBU to want to bring this up again and make it clear that she does this again and she isn't seeing her without supervision?

what would you do in my position? i'm genuinely upset about this.

"Your focus has to be the safety of your dd and not MIL's feelings."

I agree - and maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea if your MIL did got upset. She doesn't seem to be taking you and your situation seriously at all, and is too soft with the crazy dog.

Your MIL is a stubborn lady who believes her dog is a nice animal who would never hurt a baby. Your brother disagrees and won't take his son round because of the dog. Seems she has her rose-tinted specs on.

Since she's STILL taking DD to her house after you and your DH specifically asked her not to I would question whether the dog is actually locked away for all the time your DD is in the house. After all MIL believes the dog won't harm DD.

Who's going to end up hurt because of her stubbornesss? Your DD.

There are battles with MILs that us DILs need to chill about - this isn't one of them. Your DD comes before MIL, never mind what illness MIL has.

Id rather a family rift than my DC being attacked by a dog

I am uneasy that you are going to let her have your DD every single week. It wouldnt be me!

Pisces what did you do in the end? It IS a hard situation to be in, but you did not cause any rift, it's MIL's attitude that is the problem.
I know it's the dog not the breed but this dog does sound like it is big and powerful and not really a suitable dog for a domestic environment with children near.
Really I think you must not compromise on this, conflict or not, angina or not.

Your mil should not have your dd at all unsupervised. She has proved herself to be untrustworthy and ignorant of danger.

I think you would be quite mad to continue contact outside your home.

Option a - upset someone that has done wrong.

option b - put your dd at massive risk.

If it helps then picture the potential injuries your daughter could sustain from this dog. They wouldnt be minor, that is if she even survived an attack.

Firstly let me say I hate all the MIL bashing that goes on here, yes some do deserve it and there are some monsters out there, but a lot of the time there are some DIL that just like moaning.

I would also like to say that I am a dog lover and would love to have a dog, unfortunately our lifestyle wouldn't be good for a dog right now so we don;t have one.

Pisces YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE!!!!!!!!!!

There is no way on earth I would let her have my children alone.

Fisrtly, you have already made it clear that she is not to take your DD to her house and she has done, it also looks like she wouldn't have told you but heard your FIL on the phone so knew you knew.

Secondly, there has been no real apology, she thinks you're making a fuss over nothing, that would not install any confidence in me that she would stick to my request.

If I were you, I would try looking for some photos of dog attacks and what they can do - doesn't have to be children, show them to your DH and your MIL and any family member who chooses to say anything or cause trouble.

The last thing I will say is are you (and your DH) prepared to put your child's life on the line so as not to cause a family upset?

Good luck and stick to your guns

personally, if I was suspecting she had done it before then the trust has gone and I would put a stop to unsupervised access and I would have dh tell her, so he can be the one causing the friction and so it shows he supports the decision rather than daughter in law calling the shots. Both young children and animals are unpredictable so not a good combination with a dog like this. Essentially it comes down to a choice between a grandchild and a dog...

pisces, your MIL is one of those stupid head-in-the-sand people who think nothing bad could ever happen to them.

sadly dog attacks on children are very very common - only the really tragic cases are publicised, and they are nearly always family dogs not strangers dogs in the park etc

there is no way my child would be in that house ever WITHOUT US PRESENT, mil HAS SHOWN TOTAL DISPESPECT FOR YOUR WISHES

I WOULD ALSO CONSIDER REPORTING THE DOGS DANGEROUS "FORM" TOO, TBH
theres always the chance of it hrting someone elses child if it got out by accident (and it will, one day, the door will be left unlocked for seconds while MIL gets distracted....then it will be too late for second chances)

could the rspca go round and explain to her that it's a serious situation for a small child & give her some advice - perhaps on rehoming.

I am a dog lover but would not keep a pit-bull terrier. These dogs are untrustworthy and dangerous. They have killed children, other dogs and seriously injured adults.

There's always the danger that MIL might forget to lock the door where she keeps this dog and he might escape.

Can't think why anyone would want to take a risk like this.

Intil the dog has passed or is given away I wouldn't allow her to have my child at all.

Have I got this right:

MIL has taken DC back to her home when you've made a point of asking her not to - she does not respect your request.

There is a dog at her home that has a history of behaving aggressively towards children. Although MIL says that it is kept away from DC.

She does not take your fears for your child's safety seriously - MIL thinks she knows better.

If it were me then the welfare of my DC would come first. I would ask my DH to support me. My MIL would no longer be allowed to have my DC unsupervised because I could no longer trust her to do as I asked re an important issue or to be honest about what she did when she had DC on her own. MIL would not be happy but would it would be the consequence of her own decisions.

Also, if it is legally defined as a dangerous dog then you need to inform the police.

YANBU, I am usually the first person to defend MILs on here, but she lied about something that is clearly very important to you and she sounds like she is a bit blind to the dog thing.

So no more unsupervised visits for Gran while the dog is still in the picture.

i haven't read the whole thread but, my two pence worth:
grandma or not, she has no right to do things behind your back, what's the problem, she thinks you don't know what you doing or does she knows better?, also, why does she need to take her to her house, nobody is stopping her from seeing her in her own, which i wouldn't do after this, and she said ok, does it mean ok, i'll do what i want...?

and i had dogs as a child, and dangerous breeds too, but they were always controlled and obediant, if you need to lock a dog behind a door to prevent him to attack someone, you should not have that dog in a home, maybe a shelter or a farm, or give it to someone who can control him, or call an expert and see if the behaviour can be modified, i don't think the breed is the issue here, maybe the dog is angry 'cos he is locked up the whole day, i know i would.

I think the problem is the breaking of trust. You asked her not to take your DD to her house and she did behind your back.

In your situation I would be worried that she'd also allowed the dog in the house behind your back. If she doesn't respect your wishes about the first how can you trust her to respect your wishes about the 2nd.

what does your dh say after the chat? is he anxious as well?, you might need to agree in a common position and then talk to her again, sort out new rules you feel comfortable with.
and i agree with stripey, he obviously thinks that the dog is no danger, she lock him up while you are there, but... who knows what she does on her own.
also the dog needs to be sorted out, you don't want to have legal responsability if he attacks anyone, especially a child, and i can garantee the neighbour won't be so understanding even if the dog only attemps to bite, and surely that dog cannot be happy, and a chance of breed is not the answer, all dogs can show aggresive behaviour, they need structure.

I had an issue like this with SIL's dog. When DD was 2 the dog (a collie) ran across the room and jumped up on DD, she went straight over backwards onto a stone flagged floor, by sheer chance she landed on her bum and DH grabbed to stop her going back any furhter, if she'd gone backwards any more and hit her head...well, anyway, I still have nightmares about it.
My SIL basically said we were over reacting and there was nothing wrong with her dog, despite it being basically uncontrollable.

For this reason I do not vist SIL unless my brother has locked the dog up first.

Your MIL clearly can't see she had gone behind your back and upset you, and that you are concerend about her dog. This suggests that she probably would let the dog out at some point as she does not acknowledge either your feelings or concerns. She really does not seem able to comprehend how upset you are. If she does not take this seriously I shudder to think what else she'd decide "doesn't matter".

Sadly DD was also attacked in the street by a dog and when DH whacked the dog off DD, all the woman said was "he doesn't normally do that".

DH hates women with dogs they can't control, and certainly I would never let my child within a mile of a dog with an owner who doesn't give a shit about anything except her dog.

I have a similar situation with my Grandma's aggressive dog (has bitten several children in the past ). I refuse to visit her house with DS as I don't want to take the risk of the dog somehow getting into the same room as us.

We don't join family occasions when I know the dog will be there.

My father is under strict instructions never to allow DS in the same vicinity as the dog when he take DS out for the day.

If he ever broke my trust and did endanger DS then he wouldn't be allowed to take him out alone again.

If your MIL couldn't be trusted to abide by your wishes not to take DD home then how can you trust what she will do in future?

I have a similar situation with my Grandma's aggressive dog (has bitten several children in the past ). I refuse to visit her house with DS as I don't want to take the risk of the dog somehow getting into the same room as us.

We don't join family occasions when I know the dog will be there.

My father is under strict instructions never to allow DS in the same vicinity as the dog when he take DS out for the day.

If he ever broke my trust and did endanger DS then he wouldn't be allowed to take him out alone again.

If your MIL couldn't be trusted to abide by your wishes not to take DD home then how can you trust what she will do in future?

Pisces, perhaps you need to show your DH this thread, to convince him that you are not being unreasonable. You write that he feels he has said his piece and trusts his mum to respect your wishes now.

I don't agree, I feel that your MIL will continue to ignore your wishes. As has already been written, she was caught out in one lie. How certain is your DH that she didn't lie about anything else.

I also think it very telling that your DH's brother has no qualms about not allowing your nephew to visit MIL.

This dog is dangerous and it's only a matter of time before something happens.

I would be suspicious of her claim that she locked the dog out (or in a room?) all day. Either she is neglecting the dog or stretching the truth. I think it is incredibly irresponsible to own a dog that you can't physically control, and you are right to question her judgement. Apart from anything else, what kind of life can the dog have in these circumstances?

Looking on the bright side, as a parent you can choose not to let your MIL look after your child by herself. Unfortunately you can't make her feel happy about this or force her to understand your point of view.

merrymouse - well put re "as a parent you can choose not to let your MIL look after your child by herself. Unfortunately you can't make her feel happy about this or force her to understand your point of view."

Pisces, the bottom line here is that you no longer trust your MiL to follow your wishes so it's a no-brainer - she shouldn't look after your DD on her own.

Long story, but I put DS in nursery at considerable cost rather than let MiL look after him as I can't trust her.

You must go with your gut instinct.