MIL has crossed the line... don't know what to do?

[PiscesLondon]

firstly, i'm not a MIL basher at all. my MIL is helpful, kind and a good person and we get on well.

i don't post alot but some of you may remember a couple of months back i mentioned on a thread that my MIL had a dangerous dog (pitbull type) it's HUGE, very possessive of MIL and goes absolutely beserk when my 9 month of DD is at her home. when my OH and i visit with DD, we insist it's locked of the room, actually locked out with the key in the door (she has locks on every door) but TBH we don't visit much (about once a month) because the dog barks and growls non stop and it's not nice to sit and listen to for anyone. PIL come to our home instead once a week to see baby and MIL takes her out for a few hours to the park or to visit MIL's brother.

from the word go OH and i have insisted that MIL doesn't take DD home with her on the days she takes her out. last time dog was around a child (MIL'S nephew) the dog went for him god forbid if the dog got out of the locked room their is no way MIL could control it. she has agreed with me and told me she understands although she still makes the odd snide comment about it not being able to get through a locked door.

today she took my DD home with her for the day behind my back and i'm thinking that this may have been a regular occurance. i'm really hurt that she hasn't respected my wishes and angry that she thinks she has the right to take such a risk.

OH and i have spoken to her, obviously the first thing we said was that we weren't happy that she went behind our backs. her response was that she locked the dog out all day and that she wasn't stupid. she was really defensive and a bit pissed off and said 'it's pathetic' normally i would be so angry and lose my temper but i stayed really calm and explained that as a mother i didn't want that risk being taken. TBH i am a bit pissed off with myself as i felt really awkward and was worried about upsetting her too much, now i feel i didn't stand my ground enough and i need to make it clearer that it's my child and my rules. OH lead the conversation and basically said she was a great grandmother and the problem wasn't with her, just the dog but she better not do it again. 'ok' was her response

i'm still angry, my daughter's safety is more important that anyones feelings and had it been a member of my family i'd have gone beserk! AIBU to want to bring this up again and make it clear that she does this again and she isn't seeing her without supervision?

what would you do in my position? i'm genuinely upset about this.

careful TBH the MIL's point of view is irrelevant - it isn't her child.

dog owners love dogs, yes, but as an owner you need to be responsible and know how your dog is going to react and take precautions, so no one suffers, even if you only do it for the dog.

Pisces You need strong support from your dh on this one.

thanks for the links ladies, they shall be getting printed off and i'm going to have a look for more.

i'm an outspoken and strong person in 99% of circumstances, but this feels so awkward IYSWIM? because she is a grown women and i know she sees me as a silly young woman (she must do after the lack of respect she has shown me)i don't like confrontation with people who i'm close too but not too close too, far prefer it with strangers or close family! ; )

OH is working away next week and won't be here to back me up when she rings to take DD out. i can just imagine if i tell her that she has to mind her at my home or she doesn't see her it will cause world war 3, or upset, tears and a rift. of course this is no way as important as my DD's safety but it's still a bloody crap situation for all involved.

To be honest, if she hadn't been 'caught' by your FIL's scattiness, she would have carried on taking your baby to hr house.

How do you know that she hasn't been taking the baby there all the time. Also, if she is lying about that she may well be lying about the fact she has locked the dog up.

She loves the dog and doesn't think he is viscious. She thinks your concern about the dog is 'pathetic'. So I would bet that she has completely over-ridden your concerns on this and is letting the dog out as well.

But if you tell her to mind your daughter at your house-how do you know she will?

Hasn´t she had enough chances?

I also am a dog lover who would want that dog never be in the same house as the child.

at the end of the day if that dog bites your child (however mildly) then the dogs life is forfeit - it is not caring for the dog to put in a situation where it might through carelessness be allowed access to a child it evidently wants to be nowhere near.

oh, and dogs can and do break through locked doors when really distressed (especially if the door is of the cheap MDF type or even the pine panel type - they only have to break the joins, not the lock). not likely - what is more likely is for it to be let out by human error - mistakes do happen.

Pisces I feel for you but honestly, you must stand your ground.
Feel so strongly about this as I was bitten by a dog when small, parents' friend's dog- a normally docile dog, had always been fine, until the one day that he wasn't. Minor bite, no lasting damage, but enough to give me a lifelong aversion to most dogs. Other parents and children are not so lucky when a dog attacks.
As for confrontation, she's forcing you to be confrontational here, as she has been so confrontational herself.

To be honest I wouldn't even let her mind your DD in your house, how do you know that when you go out she won;t need to pop back home for something?

As I said, I usually hate the MIL bashing threads but this is not that kind of thread. She has gone against your wishes and only admitted it when caught out. She knew she'd done wrong and knew you'd be cross with her but then she starts to belittle you and make you feel like you are in the wrong. If this thread has shown you anything, you are not wrong.

She may be right and nothing happens to your DD, but what if she's wrong, are you prepared to deal with the consequences all beacuse it may (OK will definitely) casue some trouble.

You need to get you DH to back you up on this and let him know how strongly you feel, its not because it his mum, it the dog.

NEVER EVER let her have DD unsupervised.

She LIED to you once and could do so again.

DDs safety is more important than any family feelings.

OP, I know you are worried about causing a family rift, but your MIL's brother has already stopped taking his son to her house. I don't think you will cause a rift at all.

YANBU at all. I would not let my kids into her house with a dog like that. I would not give a damn about erring on the side of caution. Let her see your child at your house. You would never forgive yourself if something went wrong.

No pisces, you are not being silly. Ignore.

If you waited for the dog to 'actually attack someone' then that would be silly, in the extreme. The idea surely is to prevent a tragedy not ensure there is one and then say. 'see, I told you'. Honestly.......

You are not being silly, unreasonable or PFB - this dog has proven it can't be trusted, your MIL has proved she doesn't respect your views.

A dog is a tame wolf, some are more tame than others. Don't let anyone tell you any dog doesn't have the potential to be dangerous. (I say this as someone who grew up with dogs and with a family that own a lot of dogs.)

'Growled & jumped up' at a child would ensure my child was never under the same roof, Avril. Not bloody silly AT ALL.

I make no bones about disliking dogs anyway, but this thread has shown a lot of dog-lovers - posters who would absolutely have a powerful dog in a household with a small child - saying that the MIL is clearly not recognising the risks in this situation.

Complete no-brainer.

To all of you doubting this could be a serious situation I saw a placid family dog attack a toddler very recently - no provocation, has children in home it lives in so used to them. Not very amusing and one of the "safe" breeds too. Even the most trusted of family pets can cause damage, if it is one that is not used to children (obviously) and seems aggressive then frankly there would be no excuse in the world that would allow me to let my mother or mil take my child near that dog. And I am a huge dog lover!

YANBU

Really Avril - would you risk your DD???

Sorry - I haven't read the whole thread, just first couple of pages.

I love dogs, and am very biased pro-dog, but.... noooooo YANBU!! There is no way you can trust these dogs near your child when your MIL is not respecting your boundaries and rules. I trust any dog to react 'predictably' to me (ie I'm confident in interpreting a dog's reaction to me), but when I see a dog on a small child's level, you just can't take the risk. I would never put a child in that position. Dogs and small children do mix, but only with an enormous amount of care and caution.

thanks for all the opinions guys.

UPDATE - spoke to OH earlier and said (yet again) i felt the air still needed to be cleared and rules established so when did he feel it would be the best time to approach his mum again? his reply was 'it's up to you, whatever you want to do' i then said i wasn't sure i wanted her taking DD from our home when she visited, but would possibly let her take DD to her brother's (baby loves it their) on the condition she has her mobile and i check up for my own piece of mind, i then asked him what he thought..... this is the best bit.... he said he thought if i did that then i would be being a bit of a 'CUNT' yes, a cunt as you can imagine i FLIPPED OUT, i said his mum was a c*nt for putting my DD's life in danger, totally direspecting my wishes as a mother, lying to me and sneaking behind my back. i brought up his dad dropping DD at 6 weeks old (hospital dash the lot) i know i probably overstepped the mark by calling her that (i hate the word and don't think she is one) but i won't have anybody call me that. he's on the couch tonight and can seriously fuck off. i'm handling this myself and will not seek his input again. i've tried my best to deal with this in a way that won't cause major upset or a family rift but now i need to speak my mind. all the advice so far has helped so much and helped me work out what i want to say, so thank you.

Sorry your OH has been an arse, Pisces - no need to call you that at all!! Ever. I think you need to look at placing your DD in a nursery instead of trying to placate MIL, seeing as how your OH doesn't seem to be as supportive as you thought.

Not surprised he's on the bloody couch! That was out of line. He probably just doesn't want to face a confrontation with his mother so wishes you'd leave it alone. But you can't leave it alone because it's too important.

Shitty situation your MIL and now OH have put you in

don't know if this said already but when you say dangerous dog / pitbull type - aren't they actually illegal. should she have the dog at all???

YANBU

Blimey, does he use the word 'cunt' often?

Not saying he should or shouldn't, just that if it's out of character then he's probably feeling quite beleagured at the thought of his mum's tears etc when you tell her she can't look after dd...

He is totally out of line & so's his mum - you're just going to have to stick to your guns here.

Just keep remembering that the family ructions will have blown over soon enough, but you have to protect your daughter from your MIL's well-meaning idiocy.

I think you should just go for the 'broken record' technique - 'I've sorted dd's care, it's really nice of you to offer, MIL, but it's all taken care of'.

& if/when she challenges it, just say: 'We have very different ideas - I know you think I'm over-reacting about the dog, so I don't want to put you in a position where you're having to stick to my rules when you think they're daft - I just don't want to fall out with you over this'

& keep repeating.

Any argument from her, shove one of your dog attack news cuttings under her nose (preferably one of the depressingly frequent cases where a GP's dog has savaged a tot) & explain point blank that after this week, you don't trust her not to take dd to her house, you don't trust the 'locked door' to keep the dog from dd & you are sorry if she thinks YABU, but it's non-negotiable.