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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL has crossed the line... don't know what to do?

204 replies

PiscesLondon · 22/07/2010 21:49

firstly, i'm not a MIL basher at all. my MIL is helpful, kind and a good person and we get on well.

i don't post alot but some of you may remember a couple of months back i mentioned on a thread that my MIL had a dangerous dog (pitbull type) it's HUGE, very possessive of MIL and goes absolutely beserk when my 9 month of DD is at her home. when my OH and i visit with DD, we insist it's locked of the room, actually locked out with the key in the door (she has locks on every door) but TBH we don't visit much (about once a month) because the dog barks and growls non stop and it's not nice to sit and listen to for anyone. PIL come to our home instead once a week to see baby and MIL takes her out for a few hours to the park or to visit MIL's brother.

from the word go OH and i have insisted that MIL doesn't take DD home with her on the days she takes her out. last time dog was around a child (MIL'S nephew) the dog went for him god forbid if the dog got out of the locked room their is no way MIL could control it. she has agreed with me and told me she understands although she still makes the odd snide comment about it not being able to get through a locked door.

today she took my DD home with her for the day behind my back and i'm thinking that this may have been a regular occurance. i'm really hurt that she hasn't respected my wishes and angry that she thinks she has the right to take such a risk.

OH and i have spoken to her, obviously the first thing we said was that we weren't happy that she went behind our backs. her response was that she locked the dog out all day and that she wasn't stupid. she was really defensive and a bit pissed off and said 'it's pathetic' normally i would be so angry and lose my temper but i stayed really calm and explained that as a mother i didn't want that risk being taken. TBH i am a bit pissed off with myself as i felt really awkward and was worried about upsetting her too much, now i feel i didn't stand my ground enough and i need to make it clearer that it's my child and my rules. OH lead the conversation and basically said she was a great grandmother and the problem wasn't with her, just the dog but she better not do it again. 'ok' was her response

i'm still angry, my daughter's safety is more important that anyones feelings and had it been a member of my family i'd have gone beserk! AIBU to want to bring this up again and make it clear that she does this again and she isn't seeing her without supervision?

what would you do in my position? i'm genuinely upset about this.

OP posts:
Eglu · 22/07/2010 22:42

I think next time the PIL come to see you, then MIL doesn't take your DD out anywhere. THat will make it clear that you no longer trust her.

StayFrosty · 22/07/2010 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellymelly · 22/07/2010 22:45

I would be very very angry in your situation and I am a dog lover.The issue is that she went against your wishes and did something behind your back,clearly feeling that she knows best.The dog is obviously a danger to your DD and there might be a situation,e.g. a fire,when she would feel she had to go and let him out.You have said no clearly,to your DD being in her house without you,and she should have respected that,even if she doesn't agree with you.

yikesascorpiobaby · 22/07/2010 22:48

Agree with Stayfrosty, non negotiable.
I would not let MIL look after dc again.
Seriously.
How can you enforce this though? I would never let her have dc unsupervised again, EVER.
It only takes once.

bumpsoon · 22/07/2010 22:48

i know someone who's dog jumped/barged its way clean through a partition wall , plaster ,wallpaper and all to get to a cat , so i would still be nervous eeven with a locked door . If i was you i wouldnt let your DD go anywhere with the MIL alone until the dog has died /been rehomed .

Original poster
PiscesLondon · 22/07/2010 22:53

i'm going to sounds like a pathetic schoolgirl here but when she rings tomorrow (she offered to take DD for a couple of hours whilst i attend an appointment - this was before we knew she'd broken our trust) am i just supposed to say no? i don't really want to have a long conversation on the phone over it, i'd rather it was done face to face, even though it feels awkward to me.

why oh why didn't i let out my true feelings earlier?

OP posts:
DinahRod · 22/07/2010 22:53

It sounds as if it's only going to be a matter of time before there is an incident with the dog involving another person. An aggressive dog and a vulnerable baby/unpredictable toddler, not good. Presumably it's taken on walks? Your MIL has other visitors to the house? It's very concerning.

YANBU.

yikesascorpiobaby · 22/07/2010 22:55

Pisces I hope your dh backs you up on this. This issue is really serious. I feel so cross with your MIL on your behalf.

I would say to her, or get dh to say to her with you there, that she must get rid of the dog or not have dc in the house. Or that she can only ever see dc when you are there, and not in her house.

Had to make a fuss re smoking with my dm and it did sink in. Know it is not easy.

What is it with people and these kinds of dogs?? I went on a school camping trip once with 11 yr olds and one stupid teacher brought her alsatian. To a campsite full of kids! It bit one of the other teachers and she still didn't take it home!!! Wtf??!

yikesascorpiobaby · 22/07/2010 22:56

Pisces when she rings tomorrow, tell her that she is NOT having your dc. That's it.

Teapot13 · 22/07/2010 22:57

Others have covered the points but I just have to post. Please, please do not let your child go to that house. You MIL is probably a nice person but it sounds like she doesn't appreciate the danger. If my dog "went for" a child it would be destroyed. That's what any sane, responsible person would do. There's really nothing more to say.

By all means have MIL over and let her have a relationship with your child but you need to be in charge and you obviously cannot trust MIL with regard to this issue. Personally, I would have a hard time trusting her at all after this.

LolaKnickers · 22/07/2010 22:58

Pisces - I would go with just saying no thank you when she phones. Explain face to face later, but if she asks when she's on the phone then I would explain, in a calm manner that you made your wishes clear, they weren't unreasonable and you don't feel you can trust her.

GiddyPickle · 22/07/2010 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoonUnitAlpha · 22/07/2010 22:59

Yes, when she calls tell her you can't leave your dd with her as you don't trust her anymore. You're very sorry about it but your child's safety comes first.

yikesascorpiobaby · 22/07/2010 23:02

Pisces stick to your guns- dc savaged by dog or huffy MIL? No contest, surely.. your instincts are screaming no, you're the parent, trust your instincts.

lowrib · 22/07/2010 23:02

The main problem for me is her attitude.

She's not accepting what a dangerous situation it could be, acknowledging your fears as very rational, or that the dog going for her nephew was a serious thing.

With that attitude, and the breach of trust, I would not trust her at all.

It's a horrible situation because she's not being reasonable at all. You need to stick to your guns, but I appreciate it must be very difficult as the potential for causing a family rift must be a worry.

What is your OH saying about it now? Have you shown him this thread?

Eglu · 22/07/2010 23:06

When she calls tomorrow, tell her you are taking DD with you to your appointment.

gomummy · 22/07/2010 23:09

I qualify this by saying I am a huge animal lover.

I would never again ever let MIL have your DD unsupervised. Ever.

Original poster
PiscesLondon · 22/07/2010 23:17

YIKES - that is exactly what my instincts are doing, and i had an uneasy feeling today when she took her.... she has angina and i'm worried that any stress or upset i cause will cause her to have a heart attack or something!!! pathetic, i know!

lowrib - the rift thing is a huge worry. i don't want OH falling out with his parents, nor do i want to fall out with them, especially as DD is getting christened soon. how awkward would that be! of course once she tells other family members they will get involved and i just know a rift could be caused. OH has backed me up, got a bit touchy at first cos it's his mum and he loves her but he loves his DD more and is not willing to take the risk. he actually said he felt his mum had took the piss out of me. but he will leave it be now, he won't say no more. i still feel their are things that need to be said.

OP posts:
LolaKnickers · 22/07/2010 23:22

So the choice is she has an angina attack or your baby is attacked by a dog.... I'd leave her to the angina.

OnEdge · 22/07/2010 23:26

She lied about taking your DD to her house.

She could lie about the locked door.

This is a disaster waiting to happen.

My mate's husband is a maxillofacial surgeon and he said that when he has to fix children's faces after dog bites, it is very often the grandparent's dog, and often at times like xmas and bank holidays.

Good luck.

StayFrosty · 22/07/2010 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vallhala · 22/07/2010 23:37

YANBU in being furious with your MIL. Regardless of what the reason, you told her not to behave in a certain manner with your child and she disregarded you.

YABU in calling the dog a "pit bull type", I suspect.

Original poster
PiscesLondon · 23/07/2010 00:20

i need to sleep on it and see how i'm going to handle it in the morning.

everyone's advice has been great so far, thank you.

vallhalla - the dog's mum was half pitbull, half american bulldog and it's father was an american bulldog.

OP posts:
Mowiol · 23/07/2010 00:33

"YABU in calling the dog a "pit bull type", I suspect." Eh? that is irrelevant. It is a dog with a history of biting apparently. The OP said it was big and aggresive. Under no circumstances should the OP ever allow her mother-in-law to take her child to that house.
My MIL had a nasty little cairn terrier when my two were little and I made it clear I hated the little s**t. She never got my kids at her house without me and my husband until that dog was dead. And I do like dogs before anyone accuses me otherwise. Her dog was spoiled and ruled the roost - a common problem with people who treat dogs like humans.
So the OP must follow her feelings - it's her child and she has the right.

Vallhala · 23/07/2010 00:42

"So the OP must follow her feelings - it's her child and she has the right."

Which is pretty much what I said, Mowiol. I agree entirely. If anyone went against my word wrt my DDs, about a dog or anything else, I'd be fuming.

Pisces, thanks for the explanation. I have never knowingly met a PBT, though I've had my suspicions and I know those who have met both "type", crosses and full PBT, as well as those who own and work with them outside of the UK. Those people have had nothing but praise for the dogs they know or own, but this is clearly a different situation.

A dog with such as this is not ime a lost cause, it's how the owner behaves and trains him and their sense of responsibility which is the issue. Sadly for all concerned it seems that your MIL is indeed the problem.