MIL has crossed the line... don't know what to do?

[PiscesLondon]

firstly, i'm not a MIL basher at all. my MIL is helpful, kind and a good person and we get on well.

i don't post alot but some of you may remember a couple of months back i mentioned on a thread that my MIL had a dangerous dog (pitbull type) it's HUGE, very possessive of MIL and goes absolutely beserk when my 9 month of DD is at her home. when my OH and i visit with DD, we insist it's locked of the room, actually locked out with the key in the door (she has locks on every door) but TBH we don't visit much (about once a month) because the dog barks and growls non stop and it's not nice to sit and listen to for anyone. PIL come to our home instead once a week to see baby and MIL takes her out for a few hours to the park or to visit MIL's brother.

from the word go OH and i have insisted that MIL doesn't take DD home with her on the days she takes her out. last time dog was around a child (MIL'S nephew) the dog went for him god forbid if the dog got out of the locked room their is no way MIL could control it. she has agreed with me and told me she understands although she still makes the odd snide comment about it not being able to get through a locked door.

today she took my DD home with her for the day behind my back and i'm thinking that this may have been a regular occurance. i'm really hurt that she hasn't respected my wishes and angry that she thinks she has the right to take such a risk.

OH and i have spoken to her, obviously the first thing we said was that we weren't happy that she went behind our backs. her response was that she locked the dog out all day and that she wasn't stupid. she was really defensive and a bit pissed off and said 'it's pathetic' normally i would be so angry and lose my temper but i stayed really calm and explained that as a mother i didn't want that risk being taken. TBH i am a bit pissed off with myself as i felt really awkward and was worried about upsetting her too much, now i feel i didn't stand my ground enough and i need to make it clearer that it's my child and my rules. OH lead the conversation and basically said she was a great grandmother and the problem wasn't with her, just the dog but she better not do it again. 'ok' was her response

i'm still angry, my daughter's safety is more important that anyones feelings and had it been a member of my family i'd have gone beserk! AIBU to want to bring this up again and make it clear that she does this again and she isn't seeing her without supervision?

what would you do in my position? i'm genuinely upset about this.

No, it probably can't break through the door, but the MIL still totally disregarded the parents wishes.

yanbu - your dd shouldn't be in a house with a dangerous dog - even if it's locked up. This is what you asked & believed your mil was doing. She lied so you dd shouldn't go to that house again whilst her pitbull is there.

I really feel for you and have recently been through a similar experience but the safety issue was much less of a risk than a dog like the one you are describing. I ended up falling out with my own DM horribly and we are only just getting back on good terms.

The trouble is that it boils down to 2 things; trust and risk.

Your MIL insists that she locked the dog out all day but for one thing, you do not appear to believe that. In addition she has broken your trust by going against a specific, justified request from you and your husband regarding your daughters care. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, she only needs to slip up once in her efforts to keep her dog from your daughter and tragedy could be the result. All the tearful apologies in the world wouldn't make up for that.

Family child care is tricky because no matter how easy going you think you may be, there are some issues that you will feel are non-negotiable. As you put it, 'my child, my rules'. If the relative in question decided to bend or break these rules, you are suddenly, like now, in a horrible, stressful and awkward situation.

You can't back down because the issue is far too serious, but short of laying down the law (and being seen as controlling and ungrateful to boot) and hoping for the best there is not much you can do.

In the end, in our situation, we have spent the last fortnight settling our DD into nursery, which I never thought I would do so young (1yo) as we had offers of childcare from both mums and I work PT. My DM still has a part in our DD's childcare as I always wanted that but now if we have problems again, we can increase her nursery hours and put it down to 'how much she enjoys/ is getting out of it' rather than another nasty row about keeping our DD safe to the extent that we as her parents are comfortable with.

If I were you and you actually need your MIL to have your DD sometimes (which it doesn't really sound like) then she would need to change her attitude ALOT before I trusted her not to take DD to her home near that dog. If you don't need her to have DD for you and she maintains her huffy (and probably will do as SHE sees fit, again) attitude, i'm afraid she would have cooked her goose in my book and wouldn't be taking my DD off on her own again.

God, I've rambled. Sorry

YANBU It would take me a long time to rebuild my trust with her. I would want more than an okay - I would want to her to tell me she understood my concerns and then slowly rebuild your trust from there. Keep inviting her over but don't let her take your DD out by herself until you trust her completely not to do this again. It's not an unreasonable request given the history you've mentioned. Make sure OH is on side you don't want to destroy the good relationship that you seem to have with her.

MIL lied and broke the agreement to not take the op's daughter home. How do you know that the dog is locked away the whole time?

Oh and YADNBU

The crux of the matter here is the breach of trust. The OP had asked her MIL not to take her DD to her home - MIL did! She has proved she can't be trusted.

Personally, I would only allow her to visit at your own home, would give up the unpleasant, awkward visits to her home, and not allow her to take your DD out with her on her own at all.

I'm a dog lover and have had a number of dogs over the years (a cat these days, as our present home isn't suitable for a dog as the garden is open to the road), but I've never understood this need to have such dogs as pets.

Also, the dog has attacked before - any dog of mine would not have had another chance, it would have been put to sleep for attacking a child, no matter how attached I was to the dog. Mind you, cocker spaniels aren't known for their viciousness.

could she rehome her dog? Surely she would do this to have her grandchild at her house?

wannaBe, her MIL wasn't exactly contrite which doesn't give the impression that she takes this very seriously. So whether or not the dog could bust through a locked door is beside the point- they asked her not to have DD in the house at all and she went against their wishes. And clearly has little respect for their wishes.

the thing that strikes me here is that the dog has already gone for your MIL's young nephew. and she hasn't seen fit to rehome the dog / get it neutered (?or has she) / get it trained better.

So YADNBU - she doesn't want to learn from the one incident that's already happened, she has ignored your wishes. She isn't demonstrating any awareness about this.

yanbu - if it was me i would have the dog put down, i would not let my child go round there unsupervised at all.

it's not that you are punishing your mil, you are not putting your dd in a dangerous situation that will cause you immense anxiety when you are not there.

you must be firm on this and make sure your dh backs you up. don't think of it as a fight, its your decision, don't stress about whether she's offended, its no reason for her to take offense, thats your decision and thats that.

I am a HUGE dog lover, I don't have one of my own atm, but my parents do. One is amazing with the kids (truly brilliant, I know I can leave DS in a room with her and nothing would happen)
The other one of them is very possessive of my Mum and snarls and growls at DS when we're there. We are UBER vigilant and the dog wears a muzzle at all times, there is no chance of harm. (seriously, I'm not an idiot and I know dogs well - there is always someone between the dog and my DS and I trust my parents completely wrt this)

OP you are not being unreasonable in the slightest. Her comments, the fact she's broken your trust, gone against your wishes and hinted that she thinks you're being OTT would mean that, if I were you, I'd never let your child in that house again as long as the dog is there.

YADNBU - Its a trust issue. How do you know she won't lie again? How do you know the dog really will be behind a locked door? Why is she so stupid to have such a dog in the first place??

Why is the dog still around if its gone for a child? That's terrible.

Sorry but there's no way she'd see my dc again unsupervised (bear in mind I am a control freak but in this case I think its justifiable).

Can you ever trust her again now? I'm not sure I could - there would always be that doubt.

I wouldn't be letting her take your DD anywhere unsupervised tbh - she can visit at your house.

YANBU.

I wouldn't want her to take DD out at all. My PIL (who I do trust) seem to have an obsession with taking DD1 out when they visit - nice of them to do so to give us a break, but tbh I'd rather they played with her at home.

I once saw the damage left by a dog that had ripped it's way through a locked doorway. It was a large American bulldog type dog, not sure if bigger than the dog in the OP.

It was not a pretty sight, the owner of the dog told me that it had taken all of 30 seconds give or take for the dog to get through the door. She had run outside to hide form the dog and watched the rest of it unfold through the window.

This from a dog she had had all of it's life and whenever I saw the dog was lovely and mild mannered. She had to have it put to sleep because he seemed to get aggressive overnight

I say this as a dog lover and dog owner. No chance I would give MIL the benefit of the doubt when she has already gone behind your back, not worth the risk imo.

YANBU.

But, your MIL's reaction might have been out of embarrassment. She was caught doing something she was asked not to do and she got defensive.

But, for me personally I wouldn't want my DC anywhere near a dog like that, especially with it's past history.

As PPs have said, one mistake could be tragic. Upsetting your MIL should be at the bottom of your list of worries.

It doesn't matter if the dog is locked up. As another poster said, it only takes a split second for something to go wrong- if she opened the door to feed him, let him out in the garden etc. You MIL should not have a dog that 'goes for children'. Why put a dog before her grandchild's safety?

I would be fuming as well.

YANBU.

She'd not be having unsupervised time with my child again, & we'd not be visiting her house whilst she owned this dog.

What mumoflittlemouse said.

Your MIL obviously thinks you are BU/over-reacting, & she's clearly demonstrated that she can't be trusted to respect your wishes.

YADNBU!! How dare she go against what you have asked - and more worryingly not see the dangers for herself. I love my mum - but i dont think she should be driving - i have told her she is never to drive my youngest son ....if i found out she had gone against my wishes i would go mad. Luckily she has always respected my wishes

thanks for all the replies so far, you've been really helpful.

my head is everywhere, i just don't know what the next step is. the way i feel right now i DO NOT trust her. i did trust her, just not the dog. now my trust for her has gone.

i brought up the dog going for her nephew, she told me the dog was playing. yes, seriously, this is what she said. needless to say her brother doesn't take his son their anymore.

i'm hurt that she's broken my trust, why would she do this? why would she jeopardise taking her GD out and spending the day with her? it's obviously because she thinks i'm an idiot.

i can't let this go, but i don't know how to re-approach it.

YANBU, you cant trust her not to take DD to her house, how can you trust that she will keep dog locked away.
Also, while a dog cant really get through a locked door, when MIL goes to open door to let dog out, I can imagine that a pit bull type dog could flatten MIL pretty easily and get past her to OP's DD.

The real deal breaker here though is that MIL doesnt really see a problem with it, and is not taking OP's requests seriously.