To argue with his family's Etonian tradition?

[wisteria12]

My DH has never been uptight or proper; that's why I married him. We never really discussed education properly before our two DSs were born - I suppose I was afraid that this would happen, and it has. DH and I will never come close to being able to afford any private education personally, and he knows I'm totally against it. Despite this, his parents (who are uptight and proper) keep dropping hints about them "financing" our son's education.

He personally doesn't seem in raptures about the idea, but I know that he feels very pressured to conform; he, his father, his grandfather, his great-grandfather and so on have always automatically gone to Eton. His family are direct descendants of Charles II and the royal houses of Europe, and then there's me, about as far away from that lifestyle as possible. I have a feeling that his parents will never speak to us again if we don't appease them, and I don't want to cause fractures in the family, or make things tense for our children.

However, I, and to an extent, my DH, have very different views and ways, and I can't help feeling that I will never be able to live with myself if I let his parents commandeer the most vital and formative years of our son's lives. Not only do I not agree with private education in concept or practice, having had plenty of experience of the people in produces, I don't want to send my two boys away from us and from their sister in an impenetrable bubble over a hundred miles away.

I really don't know what to do, the registration deadline for our eldest is approaching, tensions are high and nothing seems to be resolved. So I ask you this; am I being unreasonable?

"His family are direct descendants of Charles II and the royal houses of Europe, "

you PONCE
educate your kids as you want

you have a id CALLED ALGERNON?

that WILL help him fit in

Pointissima is right and there is some uninformed nonsense talked about the evils of boarding. There is no doubt that Eton is an exceptional school with exceptional opprotunities. As one poster said, if a child is unhappy he may be withdrawn. The Head teacher of one poster's child who said that a child of 13 is a very different person with different needs to a younger one is also worth heeding if you are at all interested in the prospect of boarding.

Children can and do get in from state schools as the early test you are talking about is a kind of iq test to attempt to test for potential, not a test of what has been taught. Eton has an enormous number of bursaries for families unable to afford its fees. You suggest your son might not make the cut which would solve things.

There is a big practical problem in that since you and your husband are so very anti the idea (as you have every right to be given your husband's feelings about his experience). As you seem so intransigent about the idea, surely you will never feel positive about the choice, even if you acquiesce (and if your son passes the exam). This will inevitably pass to your son who would probably find it very difficult to settle when he knows his parents are so unhappy, even if he agreed to give it a try. So from a happy family perpective the whole enterprise is impossible

The real question is whether it is more important to you to appease your in-laws and keep the inheritance by making a move so clearly against your family wishes or to live your family life as you see fit but be unable to depend upon inheriting money to help fund your lives. Surely the decision is clear? If not and you feel unable to manage financially without your in laws then you will need to acknowledge this and go along with their wishes. Just make sure you stop presenting this to your son as an abandonment of him and a separation from your family as it does not need to be either of these provided he goes from a secure, supportive and loving background.

Sorry to go on but I also take issue with the idea that schools make people dysfunctional. They don't. Families do.

I agree that it is wrong to present boarding schools as an evil per se. On the other hand, it is perfectly possible and permissible to say "yes, Eton may be wonderful, but we think we have something to offer as a family that is more wonderful still". This is what I feel about my own childhood: a boarding school wouldn't just have to be exceptional to outweigh what I had at home, it would have to be totally out of this world. If the opportunity offered to send my own children to boarding school, I would feel the same about them: it's not about denigrating boarding school, it's about valuing what we can offer at home.

of COURSE boarding schools screw some kids up
oyu nutter

It doesn't matter if there isn't a single child in the universe that's been screwed up by boarding school: what matters is if the OP feels she can offer her son something at home that is better suited to his needs than boarding school.

X is good does not = X is best

it does certainly not= X is best under all circumstances

And feeling that Y might be even better than X does not = an unreasoning prejudice against X.

Cory. Sorry if I have given you the impression that I think the child should go. I think it is a tough family decision and will be different for everyone. OP has posted asking for opinions. She is clearly feeling obliged at least to consider the offer of financial support. If estrangement from the in laws is too high a price to pay for doing what she believes to be right for her family then she must embrace the decision postively for her child's sake. If she eventually chooses to go along with the grandparents then she should not feel bad about her choice because she is not abandoning her son or giving up her parenting of him and if, in the end, he is unhappy, there is nothing which may not be changed by withdrawing him. When we say we could never send our children as we have too much to offer at home we are feeding her own fears instead of suggesting that there might be another way, while still being a good mother. If she was as sure as all that of her own position, she would not be posting.

Do we know that this decision is entirely about "fears", jem? If I decided to keep my children at home, it would certainly not be about any fears of boarding school: it would be about not wanting them to miss out on the alternative. Persuading me that there was nothing to fear would be irrelevant: you'd have to persuade me that the gains would outweigh the losses.

People who send their children to private school do not necessarily (pace MN) do so out of a fear of state education: a fair few do so because they think their particular private school has more to offer- their fears would be about their children missing out on this.

I think it would be perfectly fair for the OP to argue that being educated at home simply has more to offer. If that is what she feels.

Did I read somewhere that ILs couldn´t afford Eton but now can?

What if they suddenly couldn´t again?

Apart from the fact that you & husband don´t want him to go, he doesn´t want to go...

It´s a no brainer!

Alaska nebraska. I believe many children are very unsuited to boarding and many children will have had experiences that hurt and damage them. The same is true of growing up in a day school but the relief of leaving school to go home to family each night is taken away. I also strongly believe that boarding is not to be countenanced before 13/14 years of age, though I understand that many will disagree with me (and am unlikely to call them "nutters" for doing so). I believe that experiences at boarding school may "screw up" (whatever that means) a child if aided by parents who are inadequately listening to their child or supporting them in the best way they can.
(eg: take them out if necessary) The OP referred to boarding school as an "impenetrable bubble". It does not need to be and these children still have parents who, hard to believe as it may be, are allowed to parent them. Whether they take up the option is another matter but if not then I would argue that boarding school might well be as good an option as being at home.

The complicating factor in this case is that if the ds was unhappy and had to be taken out of Eton, there would (by the sounds of it) be a family rift and the ds would feel directly responsible for it. If the ILs refuse to speak to their other son because he changed his mind about registering, then presumably they would never speak either to the OPs dh or her ds again if he asked to be withdrawn and the parents supported that. And no dobt they would let their grandson know what had caused the rift. That seems to me a heavy burden to lay on a 13yo.

I'd agree in general that "you can always withdraw them later", but it doesn't really sound like that's the case here. If there is to be a rift, then I personally would think it better if it happened when the adults could shoulder full responsibility.

Also, didd's point about the money is well made. If their investments came a cropper a few years ago, they might do so again. And coming from Eton to the local comprehensive might be a bit tough.

So, yes to boarding school as an option in theory, no to boarding school as the only valid option, and a big NO to putting your son in the power of toxic relatives.

Cory I think we are kind of singing from the same page. However this particular problem is not about our feelings about boarding school and the incentives or disincentives, gains and losses offered to us. By fears I meant primarily OP's fears about losing the close knit family unit she values but given her husband's feelings I think fears of bad boarding school experiences for her child are likely too. (surely we would all fear that in day or boarding school)

If I were in the OP's situation with her own moral and personal objections to private education opinions and her husband's negative experience I believe I would just say no. However, despite humble social and educational origins, my husband and I are (for now!)financially secure and independent. Money makes these decisions much easier (as do working class but bright and sensible grandparents - but we can't choose those) She is clearly in a dilemma regarding the wider family though, referring to and this seems to be upsetting everyone, including her husband who, it seems, has not said "no thank you" to his parents. This means things are not simple for her and the implication is that there will be family estrangement which will have serious repercussions - emotional and financial. The losses therefore will be considerable to her - how they are to be weighed against having a teenager away at Eton only she can know. I am just pointing out that - notwithstanding her husband's experience which of course matters greatly in reaching a decision - Eton in 21st Century is nothing like Dickens' Dotheboys Hall. Ask people with children there.

Sorry Cory, crossed posts. Agree with you. I guess if the grandparents allowed their son to remain at Eton while unhappy for the sake of what ever it is they want from a school then they might well feel the same about a grandchild. Best of luck to you OP and I hope you resolve things and manage to remain on speaking terms with everyone.

Do you live in or near London ? What about Westminster...weekly boarding and very prestigious.

And I also don´t see why grandparents should offer an alternative tbh.

They have offered Eton-presumably for the "family tradition".

Op should just say yay or nay, shouldn´t they?

Wisteria- just to let you know

my friend and his brother went to a very prestigious northern catholic boarding school. They got scholarships and came from a working class single parent family. Older brother sailed through, 1st from Oxford and is now a very successful consultant dr. From his accent you would never guess his roots.
Younger brother struggled with undiagnosed dyslexia and adhd, barely passed through a lesser uni. Neither are married (one divorced). No kids. Both have noticable low self esteem. Their sister, who went to local comp, runs her own business and is much more well adjusted socially than her brothers. Married with children.

Go with your instincts. By far the most likely indicator of success in later life is how happy they are as a child.

Some children really do thrive at boarding school, others do not. If you and your child do not wish to go, then dont.

^ Ampleforth?

Hi,
In the end it is your decision(not the ILS) and it is about how you and your children would feel about boarding. However as a parent with boarding school children I think it is important to add do remember that the adults (eg the consultant OctaviaH mentions) you see who boarded previously did so 10/20/30 years ago and boarding schools have changed dramatically (thank goodness)!!
Good luck with your decision.

Eton is a fabulous school which provides its pupils with a first-rate academic education.

I?m less convinced about the whole networking/contacts thing as this is really only relevant if you?re going to be a lawyer, banker or some branches of the medical profession. It won?t help if you?re going into, say, education, the media, advertising and other ?creative? fields which, given what the OPs and her DH do, seems more likely for their DS.

DH and I were both privately educated (and have nephews currently at Eton) so have no objection to it in principle, but agreed early on that we personally would not send DCs away to board because in our own experiences it makes for less-close family ties.

Fortunately because we were in agreement, we were able to present a united front and I think this is the crucial first step for OP and her DH. Wisteria, once you?ve established that, you might find it is possible to just say calmly and factually to ILs that you?re very grateful for the offer but after due consideration, much family discussion and a visit to the school you have decided it isn?t the right place for your DS. Good luck.

n't believe you've managed to have two boys with this man and yet have never had a serious discussion on the matter!

If you are genuinely anti-private education and your DH seems ambivalent either way, then I would say a polite thanks but no thank, but you would greatly appreicate it if they would start a savings plan to help fund their university education.

If you can be swayed on a more local private education, at a decent day school, (where there may be an option of boarding weekly at 13) then suggest as a compromise they might like to help with that instead. After all, if it really is the boys' education they are concerned about rather than just keeping them in a privileged ivory tower of social exclusivity, then they won't argue too much with that, even if they are a little disappointed that the family tradition had been broken.

But I'm a bit curious - you say you don't want your boys to turn out like the kind of people you know who had very privileged educations/backgrounds, but they can't be all bad - you married one! And he obviously isn't a horrible snob, if he was prepared to marry someone from outside his highly priveliged circle.

Also, just to hark back to a previous poster, you can actually attend Eton as a day pupil.

Is the sister being sent to Roedean or are they not bothered about her?

Look, it's nice that they offered (although I grew up in Windsor and those boys were FUCKED UP) but it's exactly that. An offer.

Ultimately it's the decision of you and your DH, paticularly as you are basing your decision on what's best for your DS, not what some family tradition requires!

How upset and angry will you feel if DS does suffer from homesickness or get bullied or ANYTHING bad in fact, despite the fabulous connections and privelege?

there are lots of good reasons not to go along with this - they have a sister,you don't want them to board, etc etc... some people don't realise how important sibling relationships are (i'm guessing they won't have been close to their own having boarded at Eton!)

agree local private school is good compromise - if they want to help. if all they want is to push their agenda on you, then the 'Eton or nothing' stance is what they'll stick to and there is no reason for you to accept that level of interference with how you raise your children.