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AIBU?

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Original poster

To argue with his family's Etonian tradition?

241 replies

wisteria12 · 21/07/2010 17:25

My DH has never been uptight or proper; that's why I married him. We never really discussed education properly before our two DSs were born - I suppose I was afraid that this would happen, and it has. DH and I will never come close to being able to afford any private education personally, and he knows I'm totally against it. Despite this, his parents (who are uptight and proper) keep dropping hints about them "financing" our son's education.

He personally doesn't seem in raptures about the idea, but I know that he feels very pressured to conform; he, his father, his grandfather, his great-grandfather and so on have always automatically gone to Eton. His family are direct descendants of Charles II and the royal houses of Europe, and then there's me, about as far away from that lifestyle as possible. I have a feeling that his parents will never speak to us again if we don't appease them, and I don't want to cause fractures in the family, or make things tense for our children.

However, I, and to an extent, my DH, have very different views and ways, and I can't help feeling that I will never be able to live with myself if I let his parents commandeer the most vital and formative years of our son's lives. Not only do I not agree with private education in concept or practice, having had plenty of experience of the people in produces, I don't want to send my two boys away from us and from their sister in an impenetrable bubble over a hundred miles away.

I really don't know what to do, the registration deadline for our eldest is approaching, tensions are high and nothing seems to be resolved. So I ask you this; am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 21/07/2010 22:40

His best friends are called Jago and Ted.

Job done. He so doesn't' need Eton!

mumeeee · 21/07/2010 22:42

wisteria12 You say your DH didn't like Eton and your DS doesm't want to go. So I would just say no. They are your children so you and your DH make the decisions about thier education. Not your PIL.

Original poster
wisteria12 · 21/07/2010 22:43

Lynette - Haha, well it's the west country so Jagos are two-a-penny down here, and Ted's hardly posh. Having said that, he's Algernon so I suppose you have a point!

OP posts:
itsonlyajob · 21/07/2010 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LynetteScavo · 21/07/2010 22:45

Ah, you are the one who has given her DC fabulous names!

LynetteScavo · 21/07/2010 22:46

And thus lulled in laws into a false sense of security.

kickassangel · 21/07/2010 22:50

tbh, if they are saying they'll paying for eton or nothing, really they're trying to control, rather than help, you.

it sounds like your dh agrees with you, but is scared of the almighty row if he disagrees with his parents, which is horrible to deal with. does he think they will cut him off like his half brother?

it will be their loss, not his, if that happens.

meadowlarks · 21/07/2010 22:51

Haha, Algernon was a rare moment when everyone agreed. If anything, it lulled me into a false sense of security!

itsonlyajob - Yes, I feel better for us all being decided. Perhaps we can actually move on from this mess.

meadowlarks · 21/07/2010 22:51

kickassangel - Basically that's the situation. But, we just have to risk the argument, to be honest, it's gone too far already.

Original poster
wisteria12 · 21/07/2010 22:52

Lol, forgot to log out before. Sorry for any confusion!

OP posts:
kickassangel · 21/07/2010 22:58

well, we are fully aware that there may well come a time when we either stand up to PIL, and risk being cut off, or do something we think is wrong for dd.

tbh, when you think of it like that, it's a no-brainer, you'd be mad to do what they want, but the pressure is so insidious that it's almost impossible to sidestep it.

why not just not register him. next time THEY raise it, have a prepared answer ready.

e.g. you know we were never happy with the idea, now we have decided it is not best for us, or our ds, so we won't be doing it.

don't go into reasons why. if they say, 'but what about' just answer, 'yes, we were aware of that, and it formed part of our decision, but we have still decided not to do this'

good luck.

milou2 · 21/07/2010 23:00

I don't think this is the sort of decision you need to explain or justify to the grandparents. Informing them of your decision is one thing, needing their approval is quite another.

Toxic Parents is a very helpful book!

Original poster
wisteria12 · 21/07/2010 23:00

kickassangel - That sounds good, thanks.

OP posts:
mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 21/07/2010 23:08

Glad it's all decided and you, your DH and DS are happy with the decision

mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 21/07/2010 23:08

I am also a lover of his name - fab

Vallhala · 21/07/2010 23:12

It's a weird world, Wisteria. Some of us would give our right arms to have a relative offering to give our children an independent education.

Of course, the decision should be entirely yours and you shouldn't be put under pressure by anyone to go against your morals and ideals. I just can't agree with them and would love to have your dilemma. In fact, it wouldn't be a dilemma if I were in your shoes!

Given that you feel as you do (though I can't get my head around it!), stand firm and politely decline. This really is a case of "Your sons, your choice".

TillyTellTale · 22/07/2010 01:59

Could you tell them that for you to agree to sending your sons to Eton, they will also have to pay to send your daughter to an equally expensive school? Or would they actually agree? Because if they wouldn't, arguing about sexism might help you paper over the cracks caused by your wish to keep your children at home.

P.S. Completely understand your decision- would never send sons to boarding school.

BaggedandTagged · 22/07/2010 02:18

The issue with all the boarding school debates is that it turns into the ultimate "anecdote=data" argument between the "My DH went to [insert school] at 17 and is scarred for life" and "I went to boarding school at 2 and loved it"

It's horses for courses. Some children suit boarding school at 8,11,13,16. Some never do. Some beg to go. Some would go and sleep under a railway arch to avoid it.

All schools are different too. Some do more frequent weekend exeats than others (although most prep schools have exeats every other weekend). Some are more academically rigourous than others. It's a question of choosing a school to suit the child.

So, OP, YANBU, but given your own bias, make sure that it is your son's choice and that he's not just parroting wheat he thinks you want to hear. I also agree that the GP's should pay for all the GC to go private or none of them. I also think they are BU for being so stuck on Eton. For a start, I think they'd be quite surprised at how it's changed since DH's day. For an academic child from a standard mc background (am assuming your DH is neither an oligarch not Bono ), I would argue that there are better options.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 22/07/2010 02:38

Oh, lord, Algernon is a fantastic name. What do you call him? Algie? What are the other children called?

Sorry, hijack.

If your in-laws really cared about his welfare they'd concede the weekly point, at the very least. The fact that they won't even meet you to that extent is very telling; they want everything absolutely their way for really no good reason at all.

And eek, telling your son that if he goes to Eton he'll be "special" is an argument against it in the first place, to me. I'd not want to bring my son up thinking that he's special because of where he went to school. And the divide with your daughter. No. The in-laws are horrible evil controlling toxic snobs, who want to control their bloodline despite the fact that their own son is a disappointment to them, and the sooner the confrontation happens the better.

If they cut you off entirely, it's a bonus, frankly.

But you know this, so, sympathy to your husband, who has clearly suffered here.

cory · 22/07/2010 07:55

Valhalla, I imagine that the OP feels that she can provide something equally valuable for her children by bringing them up at home. I think this is the sensible way to look at it: not by outbidding each other with horror stories, but admitting that there are two potentially good alternatives on offer.

I have to admit that I have always put down my own confidence (and very good academic education) to the fact that I waqs brought up at home by my parents and attended a local school. On the other hand, the boarding school I visited briefly in my teens clearly also had many good things to offer.

But in the present case, it would seem that there is a serious downside to the boarding school alternative in that the OPs son's education would be totally in the hands of controlling relatives who could suddenly decide to stop payments if he displeased them. Too big a risk imho.

cory · 22/07/2010 07:57

My verdict would be: never become dependent on somebody you do not trust. Whatever the perceived benefits are, chances are the price will be too high to pay.

pointissima · 22/07/2010 08:22

Have you been to look? Have you talked to boys there? Boarding schools have changed so much over the last 20 years.

Tradition is a bad basis for decision about you child's education; but so is prejudice about boarding/public schools etc. I know that MN orthodoxy is that boarding scholls are Evil but you and your ds should really look at it for yourselves.

Your son would be 13 and ready for a bit of independence by the time he went. The education is fantastic and, whilst of course it has its share of appalling, over-privileged types, most are NOT like that. Given that these days it is so difficult to get in, most are also very intelligent and the chinless wonder element has virtually gone

A friend's son went off there last year and she says that the main change that she noticed was that he now makes his bed and folds his clothes automatically

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 22/07/2010 08:35

Does anyone ever read the thread anymore? Sorry, point, but loads of people have asked this after the OP said that she and her son have gone for a tour. Her husband didn't come because he's so traumatised from the place that he couldn't bear to set foot in it.

And cory makes an excellent point: "there is a serious downside to the boarding school alternative in that the OPs son's education would be totally in the hands of controlling relatives who could suddenly decide to stop payments if he displeased them"

janajos · 22/07/2010 08:38

Can I just say that if you and your husband could never afford it, then have you/he considered that Eton is a lifestyle, all private schooling is, and your children will need to fit in out of school as well, houses, holidays, clothes will be scrutinised whether you like it or not. I would consider carefully, your PIL might be willing to pay the fees, but will they want to fund the lifestlye too? (not against private schools, my sons go to prep, but does need thinking about) btw we are not hugely rich either!!

MarshaBrady · 22/07/2010 08:40

You know the least desirable thing isn't Eton (I'd quite like a look or the offer, not sure what I would do) but the controlling nature of the offer.

And for that reason, and given if it is not what any of you want, you are right to decline.

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