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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not giving my DS's friend an ice cream after he didn't even try his dinner?

294 replies

whoopdeedoo · 20/07/2010 20:33

My DS's best friend from school came over to play and for tea today. I dread it when he does as he is such a handful, climbs on everything, pretty rude and just doesn't listen, drives me mad....today I stopped him opening the cupboards in the kitchen right in front of me and asked what he was doing - "looking for a snack" came the reply . I said I would cook dinner - did he like rice - no. OK - do you like pasta - yes. Do you like sausages? Yes. So I made sausage pasta.

Once on the table I get "I don't like it" and he refused to even try a piece of sausage. I am pretty strict with my DC's eating their dinner before being allowed dessert - if they don't eat enough of their main meal they don't get one and they don't get any other food before bed - pretty simple and effective for us. My DC's both ate their meals, encouraged by the temptation of ice cream to follow. But DS's friend did not eat anything at all. I was left wondering if it was cruel/not my place to refuse the friend an ice cream, but feeling that it was unfair and a bad example to set my DC's to give him one after they did as they were asked.

Luckily the friend's mum turned up to collect him and in all the fuss the ice creams were momentarily forgotten so I dodged the issue, but AIBU to not want to give him an ice cream?

OP posts:

Jamieandhismagictorch · 20/07/2010 20:34

How old?

Doigthebountyeater · 20/07/2010 20:34

Your house - your rules.

supersalstrawberry · 20/07/2010 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisisyesterday · 20/07/2010 20:35

no yanbu, i'd have done the same

but sausage pasta???

LadySanders · 20/07/2010 20:36

perfectly reasonable of you especially since you had gone to the trouble of asking what he would like to eat and making it for him.

Hulababy · 20/07/2010 20:37

I don't make visiting children (outside of family or family friends) follow our house rules. Playdates means little ones change the way they normally are.

I would have offered the cild some bread and butter to have with/instead of his meal, and then a small amount of ice cream. I'd have also made sure his mum knew he'd not eaten much so she could give him some supper shoul she wish.

I don't like using sweet treats as a reward, or even a bribe, to finish a meal either.

RedArsedBaboon · 20/07/2010 20:37

I would just let him eat the dessert and not make any fuss. I really couldn't be arsed to worry about whether someone elses dc ate or not. Just tell the mum that he only ate dessert.

ilikeclunge · 20/07/2010 20:41

thats a bit mean. probably go to school now and call you a witch hun

usualsuspect · 20/07/2010 20:42

I would have given him an ice cream .. but then I've never used dessert as a reward for eating dinners..

BrownPaperandString · 20/07/2010 20:43

I don't like the sweet treats as a bribe thing either but we have real trouble with DD in that she will say she's had enough dinner (when she's had one mouthful) as all she wants is pudding. We have to manage it somehow and that seems to be the only way forward for us with her, so I do understand why you do it too.

It's tricky but I think if it was me and the friend was going to be coming over alot, then I would say to the mother that that is what we do at meal times and is she ok with that. If she isn't ok with that, then she can collect him before dinner!

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 20/07/2010 20:43

Yeah, your house, your rules, but IMO your rules are bogus. Not healthy to be so controlling about food or to use pudding as a reward. Sorry to be blunt.

madhairday · 20/07/2010 20:45

I had exactly the same situation tonight with ds' best friend, also with the ice cream dessert. I asked him to at least try his pizza, telling him that in this house we eat some of our firsts - well, first. After some sulking he did, then I asked if he liked it, he said no, so I asked if he'd like some bread, he said no. But because he tried it I gave him some ice cream (didn't eat much of that either!)

I do like to keep our house rules to a certain extent as I want my dc to see me being consistent, but probably would have let him have it anyway tbh - some battles aren't worth it.

faddle · 20/07/2010 20:46

I would not have given him an icecream. My house, my rules. I dont see it as giving a bribe to eat the main meal, if they dont eat tea, and then fill up on icecream, they would be doing that every night.

madhairday · 20/07/2010 20:46

(Just to explain here that he'd had the same pizza exactly another time and had eaten every bite, so I wasn't being mean encouraging him to try some!)

Jamieandhismagictorch · 20/07/2010 20:47

I think if he's over about 8, or if I knew him and his parents really well and knew what he'd normally eat I'd push it a little, BUT, in general, I don't much care what other people's DCs eat in my house.

I have a DS who is very fussy (was almost food phobic when he was younger), and he still reverts to this when he eats at other people's houses. I know others find this exasperating, but it means I'm chilled about visiting kids and their funny ways. The visit should be more about the playing and the social interaction than the food, IMO.

OTOH, sound like this one is a little difficult in other ways

usualsuspect · 20/07/2010 20:48

The phrase 'my house my rules' really gets my back up ..do you all live such rigid lives?

Original poster

whoopdeedoo · 20/07/2010 20:49

They will both be 5 in August.

Thisisyesterday - what's wrong with sausage pasta - penne, pieces of fried sausage (I even took the skin off!), tiny bits of broccoli cooked with the pasta, all mixed with tomato sauce - what's not to like ?!

I ask him round because the two boys love spending time together and aren't allowed to sit next to each other in class (too troublesome!) I also really like the boy's mum and know that me taking her DS home helps because she is working full time and has childcare issues. She also has my DS round to their house (with babysitter) so I feel I need to take my turn.

OP posts:

14hourstillbedtime · 20/07/2010 20:51

I have the 'three bites rule': DS (3) has to eat three bites of whatever he is served before he can declare that he 'doesn't like it'. But, when he says he doesn't, then I will (try...) not to make a big deal of it, and offer him the next thing (pudding, whatehaveyou)

smallorange · 20/07/2010 20:52

I'd have given him the ice cream. He's there for a treat not for you to try and address his behaviour.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 20/07/2010 20:53

My daughter will not eat anything that is mioxed together and definitely not something that is in a tomato sauce.

BrownPaperandString · 20/07/2010 20:53

Can anyone help by offering another alternative to witholding pud until a decent amount of dinner has been eaten?

Or should we just not have any pudding and sort the prob that way?

LadySanders · 20/07/2010 20:54

i don't see how it's 'controlling' to want your child to eat healthily... i agree that its pointless trying to force kids to eat things they don't want... and that dessert shouldn't be a 'reward' for clearing a plate... but children do need to eat a balanced and healthy diet... and ice cream with no main course isn't that.

if you're succeeding in getting that message over to your own kids, why spoil it by changing the rules for guests?

usualsuspect · 20/07/2010 20:55

Because they are guests ..he came round to play, not to fit into ops lifestyle

thesecondcoming · 20/07/2010 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 20/07/2010 20:57

But if you gave her a plate of sausages, pasta, peas, sweetcorn, runner beans, tomatoes etc all done separately she would have cleared the plate. We don't do puddings here full stop, just fruit or yoghurt.

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