Not giving my DS's friend an ice cream after he didn't even try his dinner?

[whoopdeedoo]

My DS's best friend from school came over to play and for tea today. I dread it when he does as he is such a handful, climbs on everything, pretty rude and just doesn't listen, drives me mad....today I stopped him opening the cupboards in the kitchen right in front of me and asked what he was doing - "looking for a snack" came the reply . I said I would cook dinner - did he like rice - no. OK - do you like pasta - yes. Do you like sausages? Yes. So I made sausage pasta.

Once on the table I get "I don't like it" and he refused to even try a piece of sausage. I am pretty strict with my DC's eating their dinner before being allowed dessert - if they don't eat enough of their main meal they don't get one and they don't get any other food before bed - pretty simple and effective for us. My DC's both ate their meals, encouraged by the temptation of ice cream to follow. But DS's friend did not eat anything at all. I was left wondering if it was cruel/not my place to refuse the friend an ice cream, but feeling that it was unfair and a bad example to set my DC's to give him one after they did as they were asked.

Luckily the friend's mum turned up to collect him and in all the fuss the ice creams were momentarily forgotten so I dodged the issue, but AIBU to not want to give him an ice cream?

As a counter anecdote, as a child I was always expected to clear my plate, and I certainly wouldn't have got pudding without it (pudding was a rarity though). I'm now a size 8 and really not that fussed about food, I prefer savoury to sweet (main courses to puds) and am not fussed about ever having a pudding at home.

So we don't always turn out overweight with food issues?

I agree we don't but food is such an emotional subject.

Food/love/nuturing

I think that those of us who have been unhappy with the relationship we had with food as a consequence of what was expected in our homes are v critical of what we do with our children.

Also, when anybody has a child you don't know who you're getting and their attitude to food may be cause for you to rethink everything you know.

Blummin' minefield I tell you!

AGree that your downfall here may have been putting the tomato sauce in and assuming the kid would see that as normal food.

Has taken YEARS to get my two to eat anything in a sauce.

have to say i don't do the eat all your dinner before dessert rule, i thinkt that something to eat is better than nothing, i tend to make fruit salad for dessert so its upping their five a day intake. its difficult when its someone elses child, but do see your point about bad example to own kids,think i'd have let it go tbh and explained to my kids later, other peoples kids are like russian roulette aren't they??

I'm with char, go with the fruit. Don't make a decision on pudding until they've eaten something, and then you can breezily say 'oh it's only fruit for pud'. Appetites come back when that's the option!
I'm lucky though, I have an Austrian aupair and she's absolutely terrifying.

I would not have eaten sausage pasta but once i cooked 3 different things for this child and she didnt eat any, very annoying.
I would try and get out of inviting him again,rude little git.

Well I am biased as I am from a long line if picky eaters (though eat pretty much everything now).

I agree with everyone who said that many children would have expected sausages with plain pasta on the side, not what the OP served. Disliking good on a sauce is very common for small children.

I also think that you wouldn't refuse to give an adult guest desert if they didn't eat all their main course.

If in doubt I would always serve something like sausages & chips to a strange child.

Of course it was do much easier when my dd was little - the standard fare at a playdate was chicken nuggets & smiley faces! (before we started to be paranoid about what people thought...)

must admit my DC eat sausages, tomato sauce, pasta and brocoli, but prob would not eat it if it`s all mixed up.

Also, as they are only 4 I think YABU.

In this case I would offer some bread and butter, to make sure guest not hungry.

I'm intrigued by what in the world everyone else eats - 95% of our meals are sauce based and it would never have occurred to me that anyone would consider that strange to eat or unusual. (And I mean it when I say I'm actually slightly confused about what else you eat - this is what my Dad cooked and my husband cooks so it's all I know!)

So good I know that before DS is old enough to start bringing other kids home - will have to be wary!

Once again - plain pasta? I am going to have to start a new thread about this, aren't I?

Habbibu - plain pasta with butter is delicious.

(if it's good pasta and good butter).

but maybe only us supertasters can appreciate its delicate flavour

I could never eat plain pasta ,but my fussy eater ds always loved it and would eat platefuls

I think children's palates must be far more varied than is generally assumed - mine don't really like bland food (ate puttanesca sauce tonight), but friends dd, whose family are adventurous cooks and eaters, only likes v plain stuff despite constant exposure to very varied and lovely food.

I don't understand this comparison to what you would and wouldn't do with an adult. You aren't here to teach adults how to eat - they should have learnt that when they were children. However, you do have a responsibility to educate your children when it comes to eating, as they haven't grown up yet.

My DS wouldn't eat pasta on its own either, Habbs - but he will eat it mixed with mince and veg. We don't tend to have heavy sauces (don't do tomato) so he does pick out the pasta and eat it on its own - but it is flavoured by whatever it's with.
As an aside, butter and black pepper on pasta is lovely!

I think 4is still quite young to be going out to tea without a parent,not too young just still small.As a veteren of 3 boys I do have some rules which I make clear are non negotiable;and if I think the child is likely to have a problem with these I explain at the beginning!example would be no toys on the table.However I would never make a visiting child eat any food they did not feel comfortable with,at that age anything strange can be scary however ridiculous that might seem to an adult,sometimes just the fact that it hasn't been cooked by mummy or approved by her is enough to freak them out.I vividly remember being horrified at having to eat at friends houses and I wasn't fussy.
I always ask the parents what they are comfortable with and would cook that ,having said that my mum once said that my db ate anything but cheese,he ate nothing but cheese all day!
In a similar situation I wouldnot have assumed that sausage and pasta in this particular way would have been familiar to the child(although I would happily eat it),I would have reassured him that it was fine ,offered a sandwich and given pudding without comment.if subsequently questioned by my ownchildren I would explain that eating at another house can sometimes be a bit daunting and a bit of kindness goes a long way.
Those people going on about not anting their child to have ice cream in the evening should make this clear when arraginv the tea but is important to remember that the point of going out to play is to learn in about socialising and mostly to have fun,it is not my business tp punish a visitor

I think I would have tried to offer something else that he liked, but YANBU to not give him an icecream - it sounds like you waited til he had gone to give your DS an icecream, which was the right thing to do, otherwise that would be a bit mean. I would rather my DS was sent home without anything, than without tea but with an icecream, because at least I could feed him when he got home.

But some kids are just not very adventurous and when you said sausage and pasta, perhaps he literally thought of sausages and plain pasta, so you could have made him something like a cheese sandwich.

i grew up with the rule if you don't eat all your dinner you don't get pudding and if you choose not to eat your dinner it was breakfast time before you ate. tough. and there was no option my mum put out your dinner and you ate it. that was the rule for visitors to. to those saying its wrong to use pudding as a reward i think its more if you DONT do it you DONT get pudding. like if you DONT put away your toys you DONT get ice cream tonight.

i hate fussy children and i hate the parents who give in to them more. my 7yo bil is the worst he wouldn't drink a glass of milk i gave him cos it wasn't organic. WTF??? he will only eat certain brands of certain foods. If your child won't eat the food then they go hungry and then the next meal. its a complete power play. a night of hunger will not hurt them.

the OP is so NBU. parents need to stick by their rules all the time for them to work. if the other childs mother has a problem then don't have him round for tea.