Not giving my DS's friend an ice cream after he didn't even try his dinner?

[whoopdeedoo]

My DS's best friend from school came over to play and for tea today. I dread it when he does as he is such a handful, climbs on everything, pretty rude and just doesn't listen, drives me mad....today I stopped him opening the cupboards in the kitchen right in front of me and asked what he was doing - "looking for a snack" came the reply . I said I would cook dinner - did he like rice - no. OK - do you like pasta - yes. Do you like sausages? Yes. So I made sausage pasta.

Once on the table I get "I don't like it" and he refused to even try a piece of sausage. I am pretty strict with my DC's eating their dinner before being allowed dessert - if they don't eat enough of their main meal they don't get one and they don't get any other food before bed - pretty simple and effective for us. My DC's both ate their meals, encouraged by the temptation of ice cream to follow. But DS's friend did not eat anything at all. I was left wondering if it was cruel/not my place to refuse the friend an ice cream, but feeling that it was unfair and a bad example to set my DC's to give him one after they did as they were asked.

Luckily the friend's mum turned up to collect him and in all the fuss the ice creams were momentarily forgotten so I dodged the issue, but AIBU to not want to give him an ice cream?

Sausage pasta (veggie sausages, lots of additional veg) is a staple in our house too!

I'd've done the same as OP. Worst case scenario, surely, is that his mum picks him up, you mention that he didn't eat tea, & it's then her job to find him something suitable to stave off any potential overnight hunger pangs.

Really not a big deal, & a perfectly reasonable 'house rule'.

We have fruit/yoghurts as pudding most of the time, & I don't use treats as bribes as such, but it's understood that if you don't eat the food on your plate then you obviously don't have room for anything else.

& yes, this does have the benefit of ds getting through more healthy stuff than he would by choice. That boy would eat his own bum if you offered him ice cream to follow.

yanbu - tbh I would ahve simply ds to ds you can have ice cream later (when friend gone) as you've eaten dinner.

FWIW I have been in this situation where ds friends ask after 1 mouthful whats for pudding. I use to say xxx if you eat your dinner. Then as ds ate they would sit pushing their round the plate and keep looking at me. Their mum would over praise for eating so well if they ate a bite so really had no chioce but to give pud as put in awkward position. Solved it by answering nothing when asked about pudding and offering fruit for after or if hungery etc. They do ask for biscuits and crisps which I will doll out after a meal if its eaten and if not somehow I've run out

Poor little guy. And now his mum will be exasperated with him/embarrassed and he'll feel punished twice, for the horrid crime of being 4 and not eating unfamiliar food.

whoopdedoo I try to relax the rules when we have play dates and explain to my DC's that it's not the same if you are at someone else's house. I usually ask the Mums of the kids we have over what kids like and don't like before they come so I have a fighting chance of feeling like no one leaves starving! I also say that I won't be too strict on eating and that gives Mums the opportunity to say if they would prefer kids didn't get dessert unless they eat their main course.

I think you sound quite reasonable but I do think that a 4 year old isnt always good at saying what they want. Mine are fussy eaters and still dont like tomato sauces at 8, 6 and 4 so although they might think they like sausage and pasta wouldnt if it then had a tomato sauce on it. I think children understand about rules and that the rules for guests are different than the rules for them so even if the child annoyed me / didnt eat etc I would still give them the nice pudding. All these people though who are saying they dont give treats for eating I dont know how you get themt to eat ....

ok - to those who said it, I accept it isn't my place to discipline someone else's child, tempting though it is , to those who say I should have given him ice cream, what would you have said to your own DC's who have just watched friend eat absolutely nothing and then get an ice cream? If DS thought he could do the same at other peoples houses I would be ! I had already attempted to settle an argument over who had which set of cutlery by telling DS that friend was the guest and so could choose....followed by friend giving it lots of "Yes - I'm the guest so I'm in charge/can do whatever I want" etc etc

Fgs - sausage pasta isn't steak tartare.

OP I've been in the situation you were in, having said upfront that ice cream is for those people who have eaten their meal. When the visiting child won't touch it then I either make mine wait until after the child has gone to have their ice cream or given in. Tbh I don't know which is best.

YANBU.

I don't 'bribe' my child to clear his plate, but I won't 'reward' for failing to even try his dinner.

My house my rules. I'm not going to change how I do things (and therefore put ideas in to DS's head about what he might get away with in future) because he's got a friend over.

I wouldn't dare serve that sausage pasta recipe to any child I know!

Sausages and mash, yes. Pasta with tomato sauce or bolognese sauce, yes.

DD has a friend for lunch tomorrow - she chose Gnocchi with Gorgonzola Sauce for her visitor.

i'd have given him the ice cream. he is a guest. i'd have explained to ds that we are kind and hospitable to guests, even if they do silly behaviour.

Very few of my sons' friends eat much of the food I give them. I think children are often quite nervous about eating food at other people's houses. I normally only do 'kids food' like fish fingers and chips, sausages and mash etc when friends come round and would only offer them something like bolognese if I had checked before with the parents that the child liked it.
I have the rule 'no pudding if main course isn't eaten' with my kids and do have quite a few rows about it, especially with DS2 who's paranoid about veg. But I would never dream of punishing someone else's child because he didn't eat his food. Playdates are about fun, not food policing.

nagoo - don't you teach your DCs not to embarrass visitors? That's the important lesson here, IMVHO.

Or more likely, slouching, his mum will give him some toast & an apple when they get home, & not make any sort of a big deal out of it, because it really isn't one.

poor little boy, I bet he was ever so confused.

new food, new rules, and a rather spiteful adult who appears to be in charge.

I would have given him the ice cream, and explained that it was only given becuase it was a special occasion and that it wasn't something that could be expected on a daily basis.

I've posted about an experience I had many years ago when I went to a friend's house for dinner. She lived with her grandparents who had cooked stew (my all time least favourite dish). I remember feeling awful, sitting staring at the plate when her Granny leaned across, and very gently said "it's OK, you don't have to eat it". The plates were removed, and then we all got pudding - butterscotch angel delight and pears. That was 31 years ago, and that memory is still with me.

Your house, your rules, if you like. Personally, I prefer to make mealtimes as relaxed and as enjoyable as possible when we have visitors, esp. young children in an unfamiliar environment.

YABU.

iwth visiting chgildren, if they don't eat your food, you give them something they will eat, such as toast.

if, as you say, children can learn about new rules in a host family, then host children can learn about how to treat guests appropriately, and making them sit and watch, at the age of four, another child being given icecream and having to miss out because they were in an unfamiliar place with no familiar adults and unfamiliar food and were too scared to put something they had never seen before into their mouths - very very mean.

Aw, he is only 4. Still, a nice memory for him when he is older - the time he had to watch everyone eat ice cream.

Raven, I hope you're right.

Had a difficult experience recently when mum of child invited to play punished her after for something I thought was not really a big deal, to be expected, kind of funny although totally unacceptable for safety reasons, my fault really for not helicoptering, ended well, and was mutually concocted by my DC. Wish I'd never told.

maisie i remember that story you told, would never have been able to tell you when, or who had said it, but remember reading it on here somewhere, i expect on a thread like this!

woopdedoo i personally think YABU. for all the same reasons as the others saying YABU.

ah I do love sausage pasta so thinking of coming to ops for tea as ds allergic to tomato sauce. I promise to eat it all

Ah, Maisie, that is a lovely story.

Let the kids eat ice cream for god's sake!

Usualsuspect, I hate 'your house, your rules' too, it doesn't exactly conjure up an atmosphere you want to be part of.

Hang on colditz and crackfox - before branding me spiteful and criticising me for scarring a poor 4yo for life, I didn't actually give any of the dc's an ice cream so he didn't get left out at all! I was asking people's views on my feeling that I didn't want to give him an ice cream - I felt it would be unfair on my dc's (and set them a rubbish example) but at the same time I felt it would be being a bit harsh on the visitor!