Not giving my DS's friend an ice cream after he didn't even try his dinner?

[whoopdeedoo]

My DS's best friend from school came over to play and for tea today. I dread it when he does as he is such a handful, climbs on everything, pretty rude and just doesn't listen, drives me mad....today I stopped him opening the cupboards in the kitchen right in front of me and asked what he was doing - "looking for a snack" came the reply . I said I would cook dinner - did he like rice - no. OK - do you like pasta - yes. Do you like sausages? Yes. So I made sausage pasta.

Once on the table I get "I don't like it" and he refused to even try a piece of sausage. I am pretty strict with my DC's eating their dinner before being allowed dessert - if they don't eat enough of their main meal they don't get one and they don't get any other food before bed - pretty simple and effective for us. My DC's both ate their meals, encouraged by the temptation of ice cream to follow. But DS's friend did not eat anything at all. I was left wondering if it was cruel/not my place to refuse the friend an ice cream, but feeling that it was unfair and a bad example to set my DC's to give him one after they did as they were asked.

Luckily the friend's mum turned up to collect him and in all the fuss the ice creams were momentarily forgotten so I dodged the issue, but AIBU to not want to give him an ice cream?

Totally agree with Colditz.
OP, you seem to have a negative opinion of this child (rightly or wrongly), and as such you are most concerned with the example you set to your DCs.

When we have DDs friends to visit (they are all approx 4yo) I tend to be more concerned with how the visting child is managing in an unfamiliarish environment IYSWIM. My DCs will be fine cos they are in a familiar environment and have their mummy to hand!

I think if you have negative views of this child, and you are not happy with his behaviour, then you shouldn't have him to visit. If you DO chose to have him visit, then you should speak to his mum beforehand to find out how she wants you to deal with any issues.

Hi Pavlov, haven't seen you here since we were both suffering from awful morning sickness!!

I think it was Pavlov! It was such a lovely thing for her to have done, given the fact that - horror of horrors! - I hadn't eaten my main course. The fact that I can look back on it now and think fondly of her says so much about the approach she took. The alternative would have been for me to sit, upset and embarrassed, whilst they all ate a pudding that I didn't get. What a lovely, gracious hostess she was. Taught me more about being mannerly and kind than about expecting puddings!

YABU. The child is not yet five!

You sound like you don't like this child much anyway - you dread it, he's a handful, rude, drives you mad, etc. Maybe an idea not to invite him again.

And my DS likes sausage, likes pasta, likes broccoli, likes tomatoes, but there's no way he would have eaten it the way you served it. I wouldn't thank you for it either.

charlie!!! How are you? how is your baby ? how old now? its gone so fast hasn't it? bear cub is almost 8 months now! And I can eat. Boy can I eat. The instant the placenta came out, I demanded toast .

And, I often skip dinner and go straight for phish food ice cream myself these days .

TBH I decided today should be the last visit because as you say, I do have a negative opinion of him and find it pretty stressful when he comes over. I also don't feel I could ask his mum how I should deal with any issues and that can't be right can it? I think she struggles with him herself.

To those of you worrying about how he feels in an unfamiliar environment - please don't. Take my word for it he is very much at home and confident!

Sounds like a win-win all round

sausage pasta is yummy.
if i was in your situation i would have offered him a quick alternative such as a sandwich that he could supervise you making [ie no excuses not to eat it]
so he's getting something he likes and wants, and is being fed. if he ate that he could have ice cream.

and pudding is at every dinner in our house. could be fruit, ice cream, chocolate bar, flapjack. small portion. why not have a treat after your meal? my DD's are all healthy and normal sized, dont really understand why a bit of pudding is so bad. but then again, a lot people have no idea of portion control, so i suppose if you are giving big meals you wouldnt think of pudding. id rather my DD's finished their meal and could choose to eat more, rather than be pressured into finishing a massive plateful.

I don't get hung up on what other people's DCs eat when visiting my house. They are guests, after all, and there are standards of hospitality to be extended to guests whatever their size (and however much you mutter to yourself under your breath ).

In relation to the "how do you get them to eat without the reward/bribe aspect?" point, we don't normally have dessert at all, so whatever the main course is is what they have for dinner. Sometimes I might get something in but it's an occasional thing (I do normally get a pudding when DS has a friend over, admittedly, but don't generally mention it in advance).

At 4 or 5 I generally offer either
(a) nice sausage, potatoes and peas
or
(b) nice fish fingers, potatoes and peas
(checking with child which they would prefer).

I've not had any problems with visiting children eating either of those (did have some blips when I tried cooking the sort of things my DCs eat quite happily). I know plenty of children who don't like pasta in tomato sauce (DS used not to, although he's getting better. He'd eat it plain or with pesto, though. And he has friends who only like it plain) so I steer clear of that.

Pavlov! yes, dd is nearly 9 months old too. It is brillliant not being pregnant eh?

Yes- bring on the ice cream! I thin it was you that had a particular problem with garlic. Yuk, wasn't it awful. (hijack over)

In my house, my DC have always understood that the same rules don't apply to guests.

They know they must eat their salad/veg but that I will not insist for guests because they are err....guests Four kids aged 5-17 and this approach has never caused me any problems.

Desert is not a regular event in this house, people can have fruit, yogurt etc, occasionally ice cream or cake yum,but if I have planned to give them desert everyone gets one, it's not conditional on eating the main, it's only food!

Bit of a digression, but I do get a few problems with children who apparently CAN'T AT ALL drink water.

Sometimes we have juice (sometimes lemonade!!), mostly we don't because I don't consider it essential and don't always buy it.

Children who tell me they can't drink water are offered milk, then sympathy if they still insist They always drink the water in the end.
(yes, even you DD's friend who is 11 who tried to tell me she was allergic to water!!(grovelling apologies if anyone really is allergic to water btw !!!!!!!!!!)

I tend to generally be sympathetic to faddy visitors, and always offer bread or toast if they don't like the meal I've cooked.

This sympathy stems from dealing with my own DS1 (now 17) used to be unable to tolerate food that was mixed up, or touching, or mashed, or slimy, or red or icy or fizzy or spicy or squashy or yellow or with a sauce or gravy .. ....(Laydee turns into a quivering wreck remembering how trying he used to be ....He still couldn't force down mashed potato to this day!

PS veggie sausage pasta with broccoli peas and sweetcorn rocks!

All those who said .. he should have been allowed ice cream...

Lets reverse this round for a minute..

your 4 year old has gone to a playdate where he is getting his tea. YOu pick him up and mum says .. he didnt eat his tea but he has had some ice cream

I can see the thread now..aibu to think my son shouldnt just be fed crap on a play date

frasersmummy - if that happened for DD it wouldn't bother me - for the same reasons that I said for still giving the child ice cream at my place. Besides I know my DD is a good eater, loves her food and eats a well balanced diet - so one day of eating ice cream before a main meal won't hurt her.

In answer to the how do you get them to eat - we don't have pudding as a rule - dd thinks yoghurt is Very Exciting, poor lamb; and the deal is if she's hungry enough for pudding, then she's hungry enough for the main course. We try to frame at lerast having some as being respectful to the person who made the dinner (not put quite like that), though we don't expect clean plate by any means. Works ok atm - time will tell, i guess. I think not having pudding as a rule is key, though.

Another question...

For those who would refuse the child icecream if he didn;t eat his main course...

would you follow the same rules for an adult dinner guest?

frasersmummy would you really really give a shit if your child went on a playdate and only ate ice cream?

I am at the pernicketiness of some people

I thought I was a bit of a diet militant

but some of you are stark raving bonkers

and you have no manners either, treating a guest with such brusque inflexibility

Exactly. DS doesn't normally have ice cream, and normally DD and he are fighting over who gets the last piece of broccoli, so if he has ice cream and no main course one day his legs aren't going to turn green and fall off.

A difficult one. DS did this in a caf today. His mates ate all their food and got ice creams. He only got his if he at at least some of his dinner, which he did.

and this "my house my rules" stuff?

it's just fucking rude, and antisocial!

Nope. Playdate rules are different to house rules.

I would be thinking "you little horror, you had it only last week at home, why did you show me up today?"

YANBU to refuse him an ice cream.

YABU however to think that because he says he likes sausage and pasta, he's therefore going to like pasta sauce with tomatoes and sausage and broccoli

And YABU to leave a 4 year old hungry because they won't eat what you cooked. Couldn't you have given him some bread and butter and fruit or something?

"to those who say I should have given him ice cream, what would you have said to your own DC's who have just watched friend eat absolutely nothing and then get an ice cream?"

I would have given them both the icecreams and afterwards told my ds the anecdote of the English king (?George) who picked up the chicken leg and gnawed it to put a foreign visitor at ease.

But then I'm not even any good at disciplining my adult dinner guests.

god I'm glad I don't have to come and play at some of your houses

with your orrible little gobbets of fried sausage and your grim Victorian table etiquette