Not giving my DS's friend an ice cream after he didn't even try his dinner?

[whoopdeedoo]

My DS's best friend from school came over to play and for tea today. I dread it when he does as he is such a handful, climbs on everything, pretty rude and just doesn't listen, drives me mad....today I stopped him opening the cupboards in the kitchen right in front of me and asked what he was doing - "looking for a snack" came the reply . I said I would cook dinner - did he like rice - no. OK - do you like pasta - yes. Do you like sausages? Yes. So I made sausage pasta.

Once on the table I get "I don't like it" and he refused to even try a piece of sausage. I am pretty strict with my DC's eating their dinner before being allowed dessert - if they don't eat enough of their main meal they don't get one and they don't get any other food before bed - pretty simple and effective for us. My DC's both ate their meals, encouraged by the temptation of ice cream to follow. But DS's friend did not eat anything at all. I was left wondering if it was cruel/not my place to refuse the friend an ice cream, but feeling that it was unfair and a bad example to set my DC's to give him one after they did as they were asked.

Luckily the friend's mum turned up to collect him and in all the fuss the ice creams were momentarily forgotten so I dodged the issue, but AIBU to not want to give him an ice cream?

I'd have offered him a bit of toast or something, but mainly so he didn't go home saying I'd given him "Nothing to eat."

As for the ice cream, I wouldn't have given him one, but I would also have had a word in my DCs ears to say that they would have to wait till he had gone to get theirs.

I have a DD who is a horribly fussy eater. I get very embarrassed when people ask what she'll eat and jump through hoops trying to tempt her to eat things that she then won't even try. I would prefer it if they offered her what they are having, and if she won't eat it, tough. She needs to learn how to eat to be sociable and that if she can't be bothered to try new things then SHE is the one who loses out. People having to fuss over finding her something she will deign to eat is unacceptable IMO. She will not starve if she misses one meal.

If I sound harsh - well I was just the same as she was and eventually I got over myself and realised I was just making myself look stupid.

I do sympathise but IMO, this is too young for grown-up concepts like 'our house, our rules'. Lots of young children are freaked out by unfamiliar tastes and textures - even by kitchens and crockery that looks different.

I have a vivid memory of a friends mum dishing up a strange lentils and couscous kind of meal when I was about 7 and had only ever encountered meat and potatoes/veg. I didn't say anything but really couldn't eat it. She was very kind, and gave me home-made cake instead. I've never forgotten her! She obviously explained to my mum because I got another dinner when I went home.

greensleeves...if you put it like that

I probs wouldnt.. I would moan at him when I got him home for not eating a nice meal made for him etc.. and then I would feed him before bed

Hulababy I have been known to say jokingly to adults.. you didnt eat your peas you wont be getting dessert.. but you are right I dont follow through with my threat

and yes I would offered a sandwich alternative

fm wanders off muttering about thinking things through before posting random thoughts

One night of just ice-cream and no main meal would cause no harm, I reckon - be a nice memory, it seems.

I think it is unreasonable to refuse a 4 yr old an ice-cream, if you were happy to give one to your children, at the same time. Irrespective of whether or not he had eaten the delight that I'm sure is 'sausage pasta'.

Any other action would have been unthinkable, and quite mean. It's probably for the best if he's not going to be coming to your house anymore.

(A 4 year old! )

I'm interested to hear people differentiate between main course being "healthy" and pudding being "unhealthy". If you only offer healthy options for both then surely it doesn't matter how much of each they eat...?

DD is a good eater. DS is finickity. If he only wants to eat plain yoghurt and banana for his tea then so be it.

To be fair, OP said NONE of the children got icecream

But I do think that you have to go easy on a 4 year old regarding food

I would have given dessert. Sounds to me as if you should invite the mum to stay with her ds next time you get together if you are struggling to manage his behaviour.

I think sausage pasta is nice and my (v nearly) 4 yr old loves it.
Yanbu to withhold dessert - I would do exactly the same & would talk quietly to own dc to explain that they might need to wait for pudding.

Omg to greensleeves - 'gobbets' of food and Victorian table etiquette? Could you be more insulting?! I think it was a reasonable post to make as many of us have probably struggled with similar dilemmas as far as friends of dc are concerned. If you haven't then lucky you - you are truly blessed.

I meant the gobbets/Victorian post as a joke

I have had children over who wouldn't eat anything and I was mortified about it

Aw come on he's four!

I think it's a bit much to be worrying about house rules where a four year-old is concerned.

I'd have given them all ice-cream and Sausage pasta is good btw.

I think the problem is that sometimes it's easy to forget just how literal you have to be with some kids.

Personally I'd be mortified if someone left my house hungry but that's just me.

Can't believe all this food nazi stuff about "good foods" and "bad foods".
Kids need a broad range of foods - a balanced diet - which means there is no such thing as a good/bad food.
Stop shoving your own food hang-ups onto your kids.

Greensleeves - sorry! Am 37 weeks preggers and seem to have lost any ability to detect sarcasm along with the ability to see my feet.

lol at not being able to see your feet

if I get any fatter other people won't be able to see my feet

and I am not even pregnant

Greensleeves, you are funny.

I definitely wouldn't've made the poor little beggar sit & watch my dc tuck into ice cream.

(I know the OP didn't!).

If we have 'playdate' guests, so everyday house rules & general mucking in, as opposed to a party, then pudding is usually various fruit to choose from - I have friends with sundry no sugar/halal/nut allergy/no milk from battery cows/no Nestle type rules for their dc, so frankly it's much less grief to just hand over a banana.

But I'd still expect any of mine to eat a polite amount of anything their host dished up, short of curried eyeballs.

I agree 4 is a bit young for this 'punishment' but I do tend to think kids get away with being too fussy these days..

I have had various friends of DS1 (9) over, who

• don't eat any cheese 'except mozzerella'
• don't eat pasta
• don't eat baked beans
• don't eat tomato sauce (pasta type)
• don't eat rice
• 'only likes' fish fingers
• will only eat something if it's smothered in ketchup [bleurgh...)

The 'don't eat' tomato sauce & 'don't eat' cheese kids just declared their hand as the shared pizzas were arriving for DS's party tea and the no-cheese child refused to believe it was mozzerella on the pizza 'cos it 'wasn't white enough'

Grr......

None of them have real allergies... they are just allowed to be fussy. Or don't get very varied meals at home perhaps.

Meanwhile I remember feeling for the friend who came round and said excitedly that the chicken wraps were the 'best tea he's ever had'... I don't think he was being uber polite!

BTW - to the OP - when my kids were this young I found a 'choose it yourself' option worked quite well

e.g. big bowl of plain pasta
bowl of veg
jug of sauce
grated cheese
bowl of tuna/ ham etc

each child could choose the bits they wanted, and if they had plain pasta with ham/cheese then fine....

I don't offer pudding as a "reward" for eating food a child would otherwise decline.

I can't see what that would achieve. Seems massively illogical.

If you are in a situation where your children really must eat everything they are offered, however much it a. repels them b. they aren't actually hungry, then why is there a pudding as a reward? Surely it would be an economic issue, so you should just offer them the food there is, with no pudding?

And why send the message out that you have to be rewarded for eating healthy food with some empty-calorie, sweet carbohydrate horror?

And, yes, it's not good manners wrt your guest.

Weirdness on stilts.

A few weeks ago my 2y10m year old refused food at preschool. Very unusual for her, as she's a good, relaxed adventurous eater. She came home (hungry) sadly telling me that she's been very silly and she was not allowed cake, but had to watch the others eating theirs. Nursery confirmed that, yes, they had witheld her cake as she'd refused her main food. The other children were allowed theirs.

Three days later she comes down with chicken pox, explaining her out of character behaviour.

Makes me sad even now to think of how my poorly little girl was 'punished' and went even hungrier when she wasn't very well, and the pitiful thought of her being singled out for no cake amongst her friends.

I think you can only address eating behaviour in context over time. One dodgy meal refusal is no big deal. Better a child eats nothing but ice cream on a single occasion than goes completely hungry. I'd rather my child ate only 'junk' as a one off than ate nothing.

OP, the right thing is to let the parents address the problem. Your role is that of hospitable host. Your children will understand that different families have different rules.

I think you were mean to exclude him from the ice cream to be honest. He's four years old I'm sure you could have explained to your children after he had left why he was allowed one even though he didn't eat his dinner

Like some PPs I can't see the logic of giving pudding as a reward to help kids eat their meals. Surely that is just reinforcing that the main meal is shit.
I would have given the child some toast or something and some ice-cream if that's what your DCs were having. Surely the kids would understand that it was a one off because their friend was in a strange house eating strange food (I mean strange like unfamiliar I'm not suggesting you are strange ).

"I can't see the logic of giving pudding as a reward to help kids eat their meals. Surely that is just reinforcing that the main meal is shit."

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