Not giving my DS's friend an ice cream after he didn't even try his dinner?

[whoopdeedoo]

My DS's best friend from school came over to play and for tea today. I dread it when he does as he is such a handful, climbs on everything, pretty rude and just doesn't listen, drives me mad....today I stopped him opening the cupboards in the kitchen right in front of me and asked what he was doing - "looking for a snack" came the reply . I said I would cook dinner - did he like rice - no. OK - do you like pasta - yes. Do you like sausages? Yes. So I made sausage pasta.

Once on the table I get "I don't like it" and he refused to even try a piece of sausage. I am pretty strict with my DC's eating their dinner before being allowed dessert - if they don't eat enough of their main meal they don't get one and they don't get any other food before bed - pretty simple and effective for us. My DC's both ate their meals, encouraged by the temptation of ice cream to follow. But DS's friend did not eat anything at all. I was left wondering if it was cruel/not my place to refuse the friend an ice cream, but feeling that it was unfair and a bad example to set my DC's to give him one after they did as they were asked.

Luckily the friend's mum turned up to collect him and in all the fuss the ice creams were momentarily forgotten so I dodged the issue, but AIBU to not want to give him an ice cream?

All this "all main before delicious pudding" rule does is make fat children and obese adults.

and miserable arse-clenching food-obsessed parents

Op, yanbu. No harm done.

my rule of thumb when small children come to tea is.

chicken nuggets
chips

ice cream or yoghurt.

Boring I Know but pretty safe, and it won't kill them.

It's none of your business whether a visiting child eats his main course or not, I would always give a visiting child desert and think parents that don't are very very horrid and arrogant. Arrogant to enforce your rules on someone else's child, all he will think when he left your house is that you're a horrible woman. Your poor child too, watching you upset his friend. Very clear that you don't like him and this seemed like a good excuse to be mean.

My ds is a super taster, when he was three/four he went to a friends to play and she served cumberland sausage(we only have vegetarian), deep fried and so my ds wouldn't eat them so he got no ice cream. He is very well behaved and eats all vegetables, none of those were offered.

So YABVVVU.

OMG, he's not even five. Sort yourself out OP, you are not the parent here.

Not giving a visiting 4 year old an ice-cream because you are worried that your own kids will be corrupted is a bit precious, tbh.

What about showing them about the importance of hospitality? To me that is a bit more important than whether they finish the food on their plates.

And tbh fear of the "witch huns" would make me give anyone an icecream. Would they turn you into this year's must have pushchair then?

Yuk, sorry that pasta sounds vile, my 2 wouldnt have eaten it, all seperately maybe, but that concotion no way!
My DD1 (nearly 9) would have made a decent attempt if she was a guest because she has lovely manners and hates to hurt peoples feelings, my DD2 (nearly 3) no chance!

I would have given the ice cream, and would have been upset if my child had been "punished" in such a way when out, especially when only 4 !

op YANBU.

I wouldn't have served icecream for any of them. (Would have simply given it to my kids after the child had gone) I have a faddy eater if she is invited on a playdate I make sure the mothers know what she is like and they can cater for that (she likes plain things no sauce no tomato no cheese) however if the rule in that house is eat some of the main meal before dessert then I woudl expect her even when she was 4 to comply by that rule. as this is school age kids we are talking about he should already be used to different rules in different places. If I have a child over this is a conversation I have with the mother before hand so I dont need to do the "do you like pasta / do you like sausages" conversation. one of my favourite conversations about this was about ds whom had been invited to a meal (least fussiest child Ive ever known he will try anything)

mum to friend "is there anything he wont eat?"

me "No he is fine you can serve him anything

ds "thats not true mummy I dont like steak"

que friends mum bursting into laughter going "Thats fine we will not be serving steak"

I wouldnt be able to eat Sausage pasta as I am wheat intollerant but I would let any I went to a meal with know of this before I went and it has never been a issue. I would however always eat parts of a main course at a dinner party evne if it was stuff I didnt much care for, To me thats called having manners and yes I would then expect pudding after..

What's with all the smug comments on threads about kids being good eaters of a varied diet, and one person even suggesting that kids who are fussy "aren't offered a varied diet at home" or are fed crap....I take it they have not been unlucky enough to have a fussy eater.

this has turned into a debate about food, whereas as i understood it, it was a question about whether it is reasonable to ask a child coming to your house to comply with your own rules. i find it amazing that people think it's reasonable to change rules purely for a visiting 5 year old.

my son's best friend comes from a household with very different rules than ours - for instance they have no bedtimes for kids - but when the friend stays over at ours, he accepts that he goes to bed when ds1 does rather than staying up til midnight as he does at home.

how is this ice cream issue any different?

I am very lucky, all my dcs eat all vegetables (except broad beans, why????), most fish, most meat, rice, pasta, potatoes....

ds1 is a super taster and so he's bland bland bland
ds2...no sauces thanks
dd1 and ds3 eat pretty much everything, even curry.

But that's luck as well as offering good food. I would never expect a visiting child to be the same and who am I to judge or teach? My dcs probably wouldn't eat couscous and peppers, which is a reasonable dish in some houses.

Rules about behaviour are one thing, making a child eat something they don't like or punishing them is really rather different. I wouldn't confiscate toys from a visiting child for using naughty words or make them sit in time out, either.

LadySanders - I agree that the OP is about the extent to which you impose your house rules on visitors versus adapting yourself to your visitors' habits and preferences in order to make them feel happy and comfortable.

I think there is a lot of give and take in the trade-off between the two. Imposing your own, routine parenting rules on a visitor as a matter of course seems pretty uncivilised to me, however.

Posie Parker because broadbeans taste horrid?? like pieces of flour no matter what you do to them lol...

i don't see withholding ice cream as being in the same league as a time out.

ds1 came home from bf's house once very upset because he had been, as he put it, 'forced to eat a potato'. i spoke to the mum and asked her not to force him to eat stuff he hates as i don't make an issue out of food at home. however, if she'd told him that he couldn't have a dessert because he hadn't eaten any of his main meal, i wouldn't be remotely bothered.

LS....come to my house then and listen to my dcs protest if no 'special treat' and 'time out' I promise no ice cream is worse. To a child being told no ice cream is the same as being forced or punished.

I find it extraordinary that some of the posters here are saying things like 'yuk, sorry that pasta sounds vile' and other negative comments about what the OP chose to cook.

How unacceptably rude.

You're all sausage nazis.

OP - YANBU.

I think the food choice was unfortunate - if asked mine would have said yes to sausage and pasta separately but no to sausage pasta tomato sauce and broccoli all mixed up. I never mixed stuff for visiting kids; too risky.

We also had a 'tasting' rule - you have to try it before you don't like it, but if you don't like it you don't have to eat it (super taste sensitive DS1 with small appetite = fussy eater).

I think it is ok to impose your rules on visiting best friends who come often - in our household they lose guest status pretty quickly and have to fit in with how our family works.

As a mum I liked it that my kids learned that different houses had different rules and that's OK and you have to learn to fit in. I especially liked houses where parents were nice but stricter than me - I thought a bit more discipline was good for them! grin

oops.

Think it is very hilarious how this is now a debate on sausage pasta. (no thanks, since you ask

OP, I think it be wrong to withold ice cream in this case. I don't like the whole offering pudding only if main course is eaten thing anyway, but clearly this is your prerogative when it comes to your own kids. I don't think it would be right to impose this on another child, especially a four year old.

Seriously whats the problem with Sausage Pasta?

What I'm beginning to realise as a parent is that food culture/behaviour and food rules can be so different in different homes.

I am very like the OP, we have a rule that you have to eat a reasonable amount of main course before pudding (not using pudding as a reward for clearing your plate, and no one has to clear their plate, but it is important to get a good variety of foods) and DS has been eating what we eat from very young - we would have sausage pasta in tomato sauce, no problem.

But, some other DC just eat whatever they like, and many seem to only eat very plain food/"kids' " food like chicken nuggets and recoil in horror at things I've made like soup, shepherd's pie etc. I would tut tut at this except you can never be sure if it's parents pandering to them or genuinely picky eaters who've resisted all efforts to get them to eat normally. There could even be SN issues eg even mild ASD can involve a lot of strong food preferences like not mixing foods together.

So, I now butt out really and don't sweat it. If they fuss, I offer a plain sandwich or similar. Everyone gets pudding but I might explain to DS that he still needs to eat sensibly.

If an adult guest didn't eat his/her sausages, would you withold the wine and the pudding?!

I also hate the 'my house, my rules' approach - it makes my teeth ache. Unless the child is planning to smoke indoors, vandalise my property or attack us I would be a bit more flexible. Do you give visitors a copy of your rule book/file when they arrive, or do you send it in advance to allow them to come prepared?